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Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 13/04/2019 12:10

@madcatladyforever

Absolutely.

In the end, these kind of big secrets will cause damage in some way or other, even if they never come out directly they will impact actions, behaviours and mental well-being.

NaturalBornWoman · 13/04/2019 12:11

Why on earth would you feel a need to confess all 'before the wedding' if you didn't feel this need before producing 2 children with him? Seriously, some people have very odd priorities.

Anyway. I don't think it's really his business, so no don't tell him.

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 12:11

Cupcakedrama again you could be totally right. Like I said now as an adult I can see there was other options. At the time I didn't know about councils helping out, housing benefit, social services lol I was very naive and unfortuantly easily talked into "well do you wanna have a roof over your head or not" it certainly never felt like the "easy option" Probably why 16yrs on I still struggle with it.

OP posts:
RomanyQueen1 · 13/04/2019 12:12

I can't believe how many people would settle for a partnership built on lies.
There's no shame at all, but if my dh told me this or I found out I'd finish it because of the lie, not the deed.

IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 12:12

these kind of big secrets will cause damage in some way or other

No, I disagree. What causes damage is the neglect or abuse that put a 16 year old child on the street. That’s what the OP needs to work though with a Counsellor.

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 12:13

IHateUncleJamie you are so lovely!

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 13/04/2019 12:13

It's a tricky one and this thread seems roughly 50/50 split. Sorry, I didn't realise you were engaged when I first posted, so there's an issue about whether to tell him before you marry? That's a lot of pressure for you. I read somewhere there's a 90% chance he won't find out. How likely is it really? No one can tell you, you have to try and weigh it all up. It could go either way. If you tell him now he may have doubts. If you tell him a few years down the line he may or may not take it better. If you don't tell him now, I don't think you should soon after the wedding. That's probably the worst thing to do. So it's either now or wait possibly years. If he really cares about you, he should be able to get past it either way.

IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 12:14

There's no shame at all, but if my dh told me this or I found out I'd finish it because of the lie, not the deed.

THE OP IS NOT LYING.

Also, your attitude is hardly encouraging. You’d finish it anyway? I definitely wouldn’t tell you then.

madcatladyforever · 13/04/2019 12:15

I think it was actually, she still has acess at weekends. It very much depends on the judge you get some are absolutely awful, others could not care less about things like that. This one did care about it.
Don't be naieve, these things happen. Custody can get extremely nasty and just because you are a woman does not mean you'll get custody of the kids.
My first husband was awarded custody of our son for 3 months then I went back to court and won custody back. It was bloody hard, and my life was on paper pristine at the time. I had to give up my job to get my son back, I was a nurse at the time, in order to prove I could look after him full time and give him a good home. In my mind that way of thinking is archaic, a working mum can be a good mother but not in the eyes of the judge I had.
Also not all men care about your past, my 2nd husband wouldn't have cared less if I'd been a sex worker before him. Those kind of things weren't important to him. We got divorced over other things.

CupcakeDrama · 13/04/2019 12:17

I wasnt involved with SS. back then when youre 16 they didnt care. My mum sent me down to the council once she stopped getting benefits for me she wanted nothing
to do with me. I lived in a hostel for 2 years which was a flat (own kitchen, bathroom etc) but part of a large house, full of druggies who broke into my property all the time and stole my money. Just pointing out that alot of people have had hard childhood but didnt turn to prostitution. If I found this out a out a partner it would change my opinion on them so best left alone I think.

miranda1511 · 13/04/2019 12:17

No

IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 12:18

@LovelyIssues I could easily have been in your position. My Mother was abusive and my Dad ignored me and the abuse. My Mother hated me because I was a girl. I had no self worth and zero self respect but I know now that it wasn’t my fault, just as none of this is yours.

The shame here belongs to your parents and the men who used you. Not you. Flowers

Pluckedpencil · 13/04/2019 12:20

I wouldn't because:
a) you don't know his reaction and it could leave your kids without a doubt
b) it's not necessary or relevant now
c) even if he is open minded, it will change the way he looks at you, even if it is just an overlayed of pity. I wouldn't want that
d) see above, I wouldn't want it to define me, which it would

3in4years · 13/04/2019 12:20

I would tell him. How could you not?

wisequartet · 13/04/2019 12:23

Cupcakedrama you're being super victim-blamey.

Poppy43 · 13/04/2019 12:24

@3in4years
There is no logic in disclosing this, none whatsoever in my eyes.

Aridane · 13/04/2019 12:27

Mad cat lady has gone mad!

Langrish · 13/04/2019 12:27

CupcakeDrama

“Just pointing out that alot of people have had hard childhood but didnt turn to prostitution.”

Absolutely, wouldn’t wish mine on anyone and I didn’t turn to prostitution. Could have though, if I had no other choices, which I thankfully did. Not everyone has.

Have a nice day.

Aridane · 13/04/2019 12:28

If you think someone’s past is their business you have to be happy for them not to disclose time spent in prison, having children, charges of DV, being out on the sex offenders register, anything

Aye - because doing sex work is equivalent to rape, violent assault, imprisonment ... Hmm

Pluckedpencil · 13/04/2019 12:29

Remember that all these people saying "I would tell him" don't have to tell him and don't have to risk their whole lives on this. In five minutes they will be reading another thread about how to cut vegetables or something. Everyone tells lies every day, usually ones to protect people's feelings or themselves. This is one of those. It's not a malicious lie, it's damage limitation. The truth can be incredibly self indulgent. Please go to your doctor and ask for a counsellor to talk through past abuse. That's what you really need. No need to jeopardize what you have xxxx

Marbsmumma · 13/04/2019 12:29

I wouldn’t worry too much about it tbh. Those says are gone and you’re a different person now. It’s not been relevant to tell him so far so I wouldn’t if I were you.

BeenHereForAges · 13/04/2019 12:30

Absolutely not OP. Leave it in the past. Enjoy your lovely life and family and be proud of what you've achieved by yourself. Good luck to you.

Vulpine · 13/04/2019 12:32

100% not. My dh doesn't even know how many people I slept with before him and I've never asked him. We are all entitled to have a past. Why do our partners have to know everything?

Huskylover1 · 13/04/2019 12:33

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by telling him this. At best he will be understanding, but then gutted and very sad. At worst, he could use it against you.

As someone who was married for 20 years, I watched my first husband turn in to a monster, before my very eyes when our marriage ended. As happy as you are now, please remember, than 50% of marriages end in divorce, and I guarantee you, that if this happens to you, he will use this against you.

It's in the past. Leave it where it belongs. You would be a fool to do otherwise.

Charom · 13/04/2019 12:36

The other point if you DP didn’t take it well, what is to stop him telling other people.

You were still a child, with no support. It’s in the past, leave it there. [flowets]

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