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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 13/04/2019 12:40

I have a fourteen year old dd, so not much younger than you were then. The thought of her ever being in a position where being prostituted was her only option is heartbreaking. Prostitution is essentially rape. Many women choose not to tell anyone about a rape, and this is their right.
My only worry is that this is a huge thing to carry all alone, and that if it is having an impact on you at any point then getting some help might be a good idea. Clearly you were failed by the adults in your life, and then abused by adult men. I am so sorry op.
You deserve a happy family life. I don’t see how anyone who loves you would think badly of you for your terrible childhood. Do you feel guilty ? Because maybe that is making you worry about how he would react. You have done nothing to feel guilty about, it is the men who abused you who should carry the guilt.
Anyway, it is your choice whether to tell him or not. Can you put it in the past if you don’t tell him, or will you be worrying that he might find out ?
Flowers for you op.

medusa83 · 13/04/2019 12:41

Don't tell him. It was a lifetime ago, and tbh at the age of 16 I'd view it more that you were a child victim of grooming and not some evil hussy.

Move on and forget it. I was off the rails at 16 and also moved out. Heroin addiction, (again, what is now recognised as) grooming and all the death threats etc that go along with it, DV and multiple suicide attempts. My life was a mess and I felt guilt for many years. However, I'm not that person any more and it's irrelevant to my life now, my career or my children. I'm a respectable member of the community! My husband knows some of it, but not all. Give yourself a break and don't tell him, if you think he'd react badly.

rwalker · 13/04/2019 12:42

The ship has sailed only tell him now if there was a chance he would find out .

Poppy43 · 13/04/2019 12:43

Pluckedpencil has explained why so perfectly, because this isn't their secret. So easy to give life changing advice when you're not the person who has to admit the secret.

BoglingToAswad · 13/04/2019 12:48

Just pointing out that alot of people have had hard childhood but didnt turn to prostitution

So you think prostitution is something to be ashamed of? Can you explain why that is?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/04/2019 12:54

I'd be absolutely gutted to discover a serious partner had been a sex worker and hadn't told me despite conversations over past sexual partners.

Can't believe many people would be happy to discover it tbh.

SteveTheSpiderPlant · 13/04/2019 12:55

@Pluckedpencil totally agree with you.

OP - I wouldnt tell him at this stage. No good can come of it. If you had been a party girl and attended orgys every weekend people would say its not his business. If you had a one night stand every weekend people woukd say its none of his business.

As long as you have a clean bill of sexual health then how many partners you have had is irrelevant as is the circumstances that you came to have them.

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 12:56

Cupcakedrama you sound like you had a very similar start to me then Sad So glad you didn't have to turn to what I did and you could afford to eat and live

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 13/04/2019 12:58

I think it’s gone way past the time to tell him, there is nothing to be ashamed about

Though I have a to say I’ve been quite surprised on this thread by the understanding as usually strippers etc are the devil incarnate

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 12:58

medusa83 so sorry to hear what you went through. You are incredibly brave and strong Flowers

OP posts:
BoglingToAswad · 13/04/2019 13:00

Remember that all these people saying "I would tell him" don't have to tell him and don't have to risk their whole lives on this. In five minutes they will be reading another thread about how to cut vegetables or something.

Saying 'I would' is not the same thing as saying 'you should'. The OP is obviously conflicted about keeping it to herself or else she wouldn't be asking the question.

As a sex worker I do have an insight into how people react to learning this sort of thing, and it really depends on the person you are telling. In my opinion 16 is far, far too young to have the emotional maturity necessary to make an informed decision about entering prostitution and she was clearly coerced, so I have no idea why anyone would blame her or think of her differently.

I worry about the burden placed on her if she feels like she is keeping a secret, but only she knows how he is likely to react.

LEELULUMPKIN · 13/04/2019 13:04

No I wouldn't. "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there." (L.P.Hartley)

You were very young and desperate.

Forget it and be proud of the life you have now.

medusa83 · 13/04/2019 13:06

Thank you, lovelyissues, but I am not that strong really! Just a bit less naive now than when I was at school! Put it in a box in your mind - forgive yourself and move on.

Stupid things you did when you were a child do not define the adult you are today.

MummyofTw0 · 13/04/2019 13:09

I wouldn't

It might change things for him

Let sleeping dogs lie

SoHotADragonRetired · 13/04/2019 13:12

a partnership built on lies

A lot of people have talked very grandly about lies and lying. It's pretty clear that OP's partner has never asked her "have you ever worked as an escort?" and had her answer "no". So how, exactly, is not mentioning it lying, any more than not mentioning that you used to be addicted to Fanta Orange at 16 or drank too much and threw up on your mate at that age?

OP has a clean sexual bill of health. It is not in any way relevant to who she is today and has no repercussions for her partner. The only way of thinking in which she "owes" the knowledge to him is a fucked-up misogynistic one in which she is FOREVER TAINTED because as a minor, in desperation, she accepted money in exchange for sex. You are basically saying she owes him the knowledge because he deserves to be able to reject her for being a victim of parental neglect and subsequently of sexual exploitation.

OP Flowers I am all for a relationship of intimacy and trust, but unless you truly can't live with not telling him, I would leave it in the past where it belongs. Like PPs said, it belongs to you. It's your life. And it's a mistake to buy into the pop-psych babble that everything is always better for being confessed and analysed and shared. In our shitty misogynist society unfortunately the consequences for you of trusting him could be very negative. I think you deserve happiness now. You're not obligated to burden yourself with the baggage given to you by selfish, shitty adults when you were just a child. Live well. Be happy.

xjox1983 · 13/04/2019 13:14

Honestly NO NO No

after years of being with partner i found out similar about my childrens dad
all the little thing he did since became big things as the trust was gone
due to the fact what i knew about his past was a complete lie

we split at christmas as the trust has gone forever

wittyusermane · 13/04/2019 13:16

I would put your history in the same sort of category as other forms of sexual abuse. If you had been a victim of another sort of sexual abuse then I very much doubt that people on here would be saying that you had some sort of moral obligation to tell your partner about it- I really don't see how this is any different.

Every single one of us is a different person now, compared to who we were 16 years ago. Assuming your sexual health was all clear when you met your DP, I can't see how this element of your past is relevant, or any of his concern.

I suspect the people on this thread giving you a hard time about not telling are doing so because they are judgemental fuckers, rather than having yours or your husband's best interests at heart.

Agree with those that have suggested counselling. I think the issue here isn't the fact that your husband doesn't know about it, I think it's your perception of that time in your life that needs to be unpicked. If you can make peace with it I don't think you will find the 'secret' so much of a burden x

wittyusermane · 13/04/2019 13:20

All day long this. @SoHotADragonRetired has nailed it here:

The only way of thinking in which she "owes" the knowledge to him is a fucked-up misogynistic one in which she is FOREVER TAINTED because as a minor, in desperation, she accepted money in exchange for sex. You are basically saying she owes him the knowledge because he deserves to be able to reject her for being a victim of parental neglect and subsequently of sexual exploitation.

BoglingToAswad · 13/04/2019 13:21

@xjox1983 When you say similar, do you mean that he entered sex work at a young age through desperation and coercion? Could you honestly not understand why someone would keep that to themselves due to the constant shaming sex workers face?

ittakes2 · 13/04/2019 13:22

It really depends how you feel about it. It happened before you met him and you are not obliged to tell him your sexual history. However, if you feel you want be honest with him will it bug you forever? Both answers are the right answers. Its what you want to do which counts.

madeofstarlight · 13/04/2019 13:25

Unless you desperately want to tell him, I wouldn't. It's really none of his business as it doesn't affect his life at all. It's your past and your story and yours to share if you feel you want to.

DowntonCrabby · 13/04/2019 13:26

No

The time to tell him was before you made the commitment of having children. Just live your life now, the past is in the past.

Newmumma83 · 13/04/2019 13:27

No .... what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him , does it really matter now? Is it relevant x x

MorrisZapp · 13/04/2019 13:27

No. But I do find it weird you find marriage a bigger line in the sand than having two kids.

medusa83 · 13/04/2019 13:27

I'll also just add that don't forget society's thinking on these issues has moved on dramatically. When we were young, 16 year olds involved in these types of activities were viewed as wholly responsible, now they would (rightly) be seen as victims of grooming. So please don't remember the past with the 'shame' that was common then - view it as we would now. A bolshy child asserting they are choosing to sleep with older men for money IS a victim. The real wrongdoers here are the adult men who are paying for sex with a 16 year old.

An what ADragonRetired said.