Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

[LovelyIssues]

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

Yes, because these things have a way of coming out.
Anyone who can't get passed this isn't worth knowing.
Plus starting a relationship based on lies is never a good idea.

Well I dont think its helpful saying there was no other choice but to sell your body.

This was 14 years ago so whether its happens anymore is irrelevant. im 30 now, the op is obviously much older now aswell shes not still 16 so not sure what your point is, whether it happens or not anymore?

You should of told him ages ago. I can see why you didn’t but I’d be pretty pissed off if I found out my husband used to sleep with people for money.

This is so incredibly unhelpful. OP was a 16 year old girl. 16, not a woman, a girl, still technically a child, not even old enough to buy alcohol yet coerced into a life she hadn't got the emotional skills to avoid. You genuinely think she's at fault for keeping something so deeply traumatic to herself?

Because I imagine you’d still judge a young woman forced into this situation today in exactly the same way CupcakeDrama. Am I wrong?

Well I dont think its helpful saying there was no other choice but to sell your body.

Well I don't think it's helpful commenting on someone else's experience when you have no idea what you are talking about.

You dont have to be ashamed
That's why you need to tell him.
Your reasons are so heartbreaking and he loves you and wants to marry you, so he should be willing to understand.

But be honest with him. Secrets come out, usually at the worst time in your life. Do it before it comes back at a time that makes its irreparable.

Absolutely not.

Former escort here, in a long term relationship with two DC.

I was a similar age to you at the time when I went into the sex industry. I was in a DV relationship though, which contributed to my 'lifestyle choice'

I wouldn't dream of telling my partner. He need never know. I live in a different part of the country now so no chance of it getting back to him through the grapevine.

The way I see it is, why risk him looking at you differently? He may be a lovely person, but you're not that girl anymore. I say girl because that's what we effectively were, at the time.

Leave it in your past where it belongs.

@How2Help
You don't think he has a right to know the past of a person he is going to marry? Op said she is 90% sure he won't find out, but what if he does how do you think he will feel knowing this has been kept from him rather than trusting him with it?

I wouldn't tell, I always maintain your sex life if the private business of the two people involved

BUT !! I am astounded (I'm not) at the hypocrisy on this forum - where are all those who "abhor liars"

That's interesting to know I'm not the only one lol thankyou Ivamisake

saying its a choice isnt judging. Ive seen threads on here before where the op is considering escorting and literally every poster says there is never a need and always other options

I haven’t been a sex worker but I did have a dysfunctional upbringing and ended up alone at 16. I ended up sleeping with a lot of men. In hindsight I was looking for love but just got used. But, as far as I’m concerned, it has fuck all to do with any future partners. Why should any of us have to tell a partner how many people we have slept with? Paid or not. I’m nearly 50 now and no man I have been in a relationship with has known about my past, it’s none of their business. I was also raped once, am I supposed to disclose that too? Someone’s sex life that predates their relationship is their own private business. If they want to disclose it, fine, but it is not an obligation and you are not “lying” if you keep quiet about it.

To be honest, cupcake drama, i think you were fortunate to be placed straight into a council flat

I wouldn't. I can't see the benefit of telling him at this stage. How would it help it? How would it help you? How would it help your lives together?

I wasnt, I got a hostel at 16 which was a flat but tempoarary accommodation. no different from the ops shared house.

temporary*

Nope. Don’t tell him it’s your past.
I think if it directly impacted him yes maybe but it doesn’t.
I’m assuming people on head saying it’s deceit and lies also feel the need to “confess” everytine they’ve had sex previous to their relationship. Just because you had sex as job doesn’t make it any different. We just have a weird socialisation that women using their bodies for monetary or sexual gain is somehow morally wrong but men filandering isn’t. Just let it pass will cause more problems than necessary .

I wouldn't tell any partner how many people I've slept with ever. Lesson learnt long ago. Any partner who pushed for info would be an ex sharpish.

cupcakeDrama
I haven’t seen those threads and I wouldn’t say that.
PlainSpeaking
Not disclosing something personal that happened before you met someone is not lying. If he asked her “were you a prostitute 16 years ago” and she said “no” that’s lying.

saying its a choice isnt judging. Ive seen threads on here before where the op is considering escorting and literally every poster says there is never a need and always other options

That's because this site is largely very judgemental about sex work. Can you really not see the difference between a grown woman choosing to do sex work and a 16 year old feeling like she has no option?

I don't think I'm being harsh at all, just saying it how it is. My friend who was a sex worker some years ago has just lost her four kids to her husband in a custody battle. The judge didn't feel she was the best person to keep them.
You are entering into a marriage which involves love and trust and a future together. I think it's wrong to do so witholding secrets like this.
If it was me and I have absolutely nothing against sex work, I could not enter into a marriage without this being discussed. It just isn't fair on your other half. How would you feel if he had kept something like this from you? I'll bet everyone would be screaming LTB!
If what you did is a deal breaker for him then why would you want to marry him?

I’d be pretty pissed off if I found out my husband used to sleep with people for money.

Let’s reword that, shall we @Order654? How would you feel if your husband said he had a neglectful or abusive family, was homeless and ended up being sexually abused because at the time he could see no other option?

Would you still be “pissed off”?

I’m genuinely shocked at the complete lack of empathy in some people.

My friend who was a sex worker some years ago has just lost her four kids to her husband in a custody battle. The judge didn't feel she was the best person to keep them.

There is no way that was decided solely on the basis of her having previously been a sex worker.

@madcatlady just saying it how it is.

Ah, that old chestnut. Like K Hopkins, I take it you mean “Just saying whatever I want because I lack empathy”.

No. What good will come from it?? Just no. Trust me on this. I've seen this situation unfold badly. I work in this field and past needs to stay in the past.