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Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 13/04/2019 11:29

Don’t tell him. There is no point now. It was a life long before he met you and you have a right to that.

Blankspace4 · 13/04/2019 11:30

OP - focus on today, your family together and your future together. This didn’t happen whilst you were together and your circumstances were very different.

You are not obliged to tell him and in my opinion you shouldn’t.

wisequartet · 13/04/2019 11:30

Good to hear your experience CocoButta. Sorry you've had those reactions xxx

CryptoFascist · 13/04/2019 11:30

I really don't think you should or need to tell him. You were very young and vulnerable and you were exploited. That's it.

He might struggle with his feelings if you tell him and may very well confide in a friend. Then it will become common knowledge and you'll be seen by judgemental people as "the ex prostitute".
You have a lovely life now and don't need that part coming back to spoil it.

CupcakeDrama · 13/04/2019 11:30

This reply has been deleted

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EmeraldShamrock · 13/04/2019 11:31

I'd be devastated for my DP if he was a teenager backed into a corner forced into sexual work to survive, yes it happens to teen lads too.
I would understand his reasons for keeping it to himself.
I am more concerned about what you went through rather than how you survived. You've come so far.
Ignore the judgy posts.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/04/2019 11:31

LovelyIssues

I appreciate it was totally different for me as I chose to leave home, and I could have gone back anytime. As far as my parents were concerned anyway - as far as I was concerned there was no going back. But that was pride, not because they were awful. They were lovely, I just wanted to life my own life, I’ve always been really independent. Pretty much my first words were ‘Me do’.

I am VERY sorry that you didn’t have parents that looked after you and made you feel loved, safe & secure. 🌷

When I was 18, I lived in a city where loads of the uni students were escorts/sex workers as it was good, ‘easy’ money to pay their way through uni having fun at some blokes expense. I was frequently encouraged to join them in doing it, but I chose not to.

Looking back now as a stable adult I could have made another choice. I now know I could have possibly gone to a local council etc but at the time I was very naive and honestly to me it felt like the only choice

I’m sorry you felt like it was your only choice. Maybe that’s part of going from a crappy home life too... I knew I could get a second job, worked weekends, or evenings babysitting or whatever. I was confident I could support myself without feeling forced into sex work.

I Do NOT judge you for what you did, not one bit. But I do think that people owe their partners the truth about their life history. It shapes who we are, it means they can understand us better, it means they can make choices about the person they choose to spend their life with. I think it’s dishonest not to disclose significant information. That’s my opinion, plenty of people disagree.

As I said, I think he deserved the truth long before you had children.

You also would have benefitted from telling him because you’d know that he accepts you & loves you knowing your past and you wouldn’t now be worrying over whether you should tell him or not and now risking him leaving you - whether that’s because of your past or because you lied (by omission).

———————————— however....

All of the theoretical rights and wrongs are unimportant at the moment though. All I’m
concerned about now is YOU. It feels like you want to tell him so you’re no longer carrying this secret around with you, no longer feeling like you’re hiding part of yourself from him and want him to tell you that it doesn’t matter, that he loves you anyway. If you feel like you’re living a bit of a lie or feel you want to be loved by him if he knew the truth then I think you need to tell him now, otherwise you’re always going to have that niggle of ‘would he still live me if he knew’.

Personally I think he’s every right to be angry you didn’t tell him much sooner, but if he can’t get past that and feel protective of the 16 yo old you and love you still, then is he the man you want to marry anyway?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/04/2019 11:31

You don't have to tell him, but...... Does this feels like a crunch time for you - before the wedding or never?

I tried to disassociate myself from being that person for that year.

If you are trying to dissociate from it, that means you have strong feelings about it and you are unhappy about the place it has in your life.

We've briefly discussed previous partners, maybe I should have told him then

That might have been a good time, but it depends. It might be worth having a think about why you didn't tell him then. Did you feel unable? Not feel you could trust him with that aspect of your past?

I hate this 'before we get married ' stuff, as if getting an official , legal certificate that is easy to get out of is a more of a commitment then buying a house together or having kids.

Doesn't matter if we hate it or not. To the OP this marrriage is an important milestone.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think you should tell him. Make a big thing of it. Because it's a big thing to you. Secrets break intimacy. Do you want intimacy or are you happy with just getting along together? It sounds as if when you marry him you want him to know who you are and who you have been. You do have the right to ask that from a life partner. If he can't accept it then maybe isn't the right man to marry after all.

Don't burden him with it

He is her husband and life partner. If it's a burden then it's a burden he should be proud to share with her.

I agree that some counselling is a good idea but counselling is not a substitute for being able to talk about her own past with her own husband-to-be.

HotpotLawyer · 13/04/2019 11:32

“ have confided in men who said they loved me, even met men at kinky events, and had them do an emotional 360, and ride away on a high horse! It will always come up and even if it doesn’t, they treat you different, and think certain bad behaviours are now acceptable in your relationship. Men cannot get their heads around it.”

May they fall off their high horses and break their misogynistic necks (metaphorically, like the horses)

Misogyny, misogyny, misogyny. Propped up by the women on this thread who buy into it. Buy into the value if a woman being in her sexual ‘virtue’. Buy into the idea that her body is forever ‘damaged goods ‘.

Soubriquet · 13/04/2019 11:33

You should have told him when you started to get serious in the relationship

Now, I would keep quiet.

Jb291 · 13/04/2019 11:34

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of OP. It is absolutely your right to keep this private if you would prefer. If your husband loves and cares about you then his first reaction should be only concern about you and not judgement or shame.

Silvercatowner · 13/04/2019 11:35

retrospective hug for the little girl who found herself in that position. Go ahead with your life, love, and be happy

Another this.

Shocked by some of the responses on here - some posters clearly have no idea.

Langrish · 13/04/2019 11:36

CupcakeDrama

I agree with IncrediblySadToo I was kicked out at 16. got my own council flat”

That just doesn’t happen anymore.

EngagedAgain · 13/04/2019 11:37

If there's no chance he could find out I wouldn't tell him, and forget about it, as in don't let it eat away at you, or you will end up telling him. Or at least put it on the back burner. Who knows how things pan out. You should know him well enough about his reaction, but then people can always surprise us.

FeminismandWomensFights · 13/04/2019 11:37

OP i’m so sorry that you have had this sexually abusive experience in your life at such a young age. Flowers

I think long term you will know what- if anything- is right to reveal within your current relationship. if you haven’t already had professional emotional support to help you process this experience then I wonder if that’s something to think about first before you think about if or how to confide in your partner?

BoglingToAswad · 13/04/2019 11:37

Lovely there is no need to feel shame

She doesn't.

almondykess · 13/04/2019 11:38

@CupcakeDrama well, bully for you. Well done for preserving your "virtue", you must feel very proud that you can now use it to rip into other people who faced shitty situations as vulnurable children.

Ninkaninus · 13/04/2019 11:38

And I don’t actually think you had any obligation to tell him at any stage of your early relationship either. As long as you were healthy and had the relevant screening there is absolutely no reason you should have needed to tell him anything unless you actually wanted to.

Your past is yours.

NunoGoncalves · 13/04/2019 11:40

I don't really know why people think you should tell him. What good comes of telling him? Why does he need to know? I wouldn't want to know!

And on the flipside, lots of bad could come from telling him.

So it seems like an easy choice to me.

EdWinchester · 13/04/2019 11:40

I would tell him.

I don’t know if that’s right or wrong, but we don’t keep secrets and this is a pretty big one.

If my partner had been a prostitute for whatever reason, I would want to know.

CryptoFascist · 13/04/2019 11:40

Unless you're happy for his best mate to know, and his best mates dp, and her friends, and their friends, do not tell. I'm sorry but that's a real risk.

AnonymFriend · 13/04/2019 11:40

You're not obliged to tell him. But if he is a kind open-minded man, and you think it might make you feel better to tell him - to get his support and not have to hide things - then go for it. A decent partner should be supportive about this, not shaming.

Order654 · 13/04/2019 11:42

You should of told him ages ago. I can see why you didn’t but I’d be pretty pissed off if I found out my husband used to sleep with people for money.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/04/2019 11:42

OP this belongs to you. Not in a shame way, in a 'done with' way. It's your past, it's your history and you can choose who and how you share it, or if you choose never to tell a soul.

Not telling him isn't going to impact negatively upon him. It isn't detracting from your relationship and doesn't devalue your love and won't hurt your eventual marriage. He loves you, but he doesn't own you. Parts of yourself that you want to keep private even from him are absolutely fine. You owe him love, loyalty and kindness. So long as those foundations are there, you're going to be fine. Flowers

colditz · 13/04/2019 11:43

I read this while my own 16 year old is sitting next to me, playing Broforce on the playstation with his 12 year old brother. He's the same age you were, and I am horrified at the very idea that he would ever feel he had to sell his 16 year old body to a pervert that would pay for it, just to eat and be safe.

You were not an adult and you were not making adult decisions. You were a child left with very little choice. Legally, you would have been under the child protection act if this were to happen now.

It's on you whether or not you tell your partner but you absolutely MUST stop feeling guilty. You must.

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