To think dd should slow down with her bf?

[conceptionpregnancy]

So my dd met her bf when she was 17 at sixth form, and he was 20 at a nearby university.

Dd will graduate next year, and they've already planned to move in together, probably in a shared house or rent a flat of their own.

Her bf is a junior doctor and so will have a decent income in a few years.

THey've already started talking that in about 5 years after graduation they can buy their own place. Her bf is keen to marry, settle down and have some children. She really wants a dog.

AIBU to think that they should all slow down a bit, and enjoy being young?

I'm also concerned that she's sticking to the first person she's dated. Doesn't she need to get out a bit and explore.

I guess, I just don't want her to be tied down in a few years as "the doctor's wife". She's a very bright girl herself..

I'd love for someone to tell me that their experiences were wildly different.

And your wish will come true ExtraPineAppleExtraHam

Dh and I didn't even live in the same country for the best part of the first 9 years, as I wanted not only to graduate but to get a PhD and he needed more job security. So plenty of time for either of us to go out and do what we liked.

I decided against staying in halls at uni and instead moved in with my full time working boyfriend and I didn't get the full experience.

Since the OPs dd is about to graduate, this is probably not too much of a problem. Besides, many universities only offer hall accommodation for the first year these days: after that, everybody is expected to move out. And I don't know of anywhere that offers dorm accommodation. My own dd attends a HE institution which does not have halls at all- she's fine socially.

You can't be that spontaneous as you have to sort of 'check in' with your oh. So if you and your bf arrange to go to the cinema on the night and then after lectures everyone goes for drinks and you have to go to the cinema even though you'd rather have stayed out.

Surely that would equally apply if you had arranged to go to the cinema with a friend?

You can't really go travelling for months at a time once you are financially responsible for a house and one or both of you is working full tome.

But unless the OPs dd has inherited money, surely she will need to work fulltime, boyfriend or no boyfriend, once she has graduated? Which will be several years before they plan to buy the house.

Ditto spontaneously moving to a different part of the country

Spontaneity will be equally affected by the dd's job, surely?

In my case, we planned where to live from a discussion of both our careers. No, I can't suddenly and spontaneously decide to depart to the Outer Hebrides, but that's as much to do with my own need to keep my job as to dh's. Adult life means a certain amount of planning. But if you are good at planning you can still have a lot of fun.

I'd love for someone to tell me that their experiences were wildly different.

I 'played the field' and 'explored'. I could write a fucking book but no one would believe it. I'm actually amazed I'm still alive given some of what I've seen in the news in the past 30 years since I was 18, and I started a couple of years before that.

I'm now the mother of 3. However they want to live their life, I'm all for it as long it's not involving criminality. It's not my life to lead and I'm not interested in being a judgemental cow visiting my experiences on them because they're mine and not theirs.

@dronesdroppingzopiclone I'm far from judgemental but I think they should reconsider what they want from their lives and whether they need to seek domesticity so early on.
Here's an example. In my early twenties, I went to Spain for two months to learn Spanish with a girl who was also in a long term relationship with a boy from school. We went out most nights, rang our bfs when we got back, not because we had to but just because it was good to talk to someone back home about all the bonkers things we'd done. In a club one night, she kissed a Spanish guy and spent the rest of whole trip on the phone to bf, wracked with guilt, crying, trying to get him not to call off the wedding.
It is completely natural to go for things full throttle when you're young and passionate and full of life, you will never be able to live like that again! Why would you want to spend it resisting natural urges and being on the phone for half your life?

I'm a doctor's wife and you are the first person who has implied that it might not be a good thing. If your DD has a degree and a brain in her head she won't become "the little woman", if that's what you're worried about.

The main negative is that while he's doing his foundation years he will be working like an absolute dog for very little money. She won't see him unless she lives with him so it's actually probably better for their relationship if they do move in together, if they're this serious about each other.

Also when they do things socially with other doctors they will all assume that she is a doctor and when she tells them she isn't a lot of them won't know what to say to her. They aren't trying to be twats, it's just that a lot of them have no life outside of the hospital. It's understandable given the ridiculous hours they work.

I wouldn't be concerned about marrying the only boyfriend ever, more that I would want someone to pursue a career and have ambitions, if I thought that was a possibility. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

YABU OP. Basically you Dd and her bf have a vague plan to buy a house in their late 20s after being together nearly a decade at that point. Hardly rushing things!

There's nothing to say you can't party, travel, study, anything really in a relationship that you can't do single. Even sex - they can have an open relationship (either as a one off, time limited or on going) if they both want. And if they don't want that then they aren't missing out by not doing it.

Also note that not everyone has a crazy, sex filled, sow their wild oats 20s experience. I wasn't in a relationship but I still wasn't kissing random people every weekend and having sex all over the place. Just didn't happen and that's fine because it's not my thing anyway.

your dd sounds like a dream child! wow, a degree, prospects, sensible forward planning with a guy training for a good job - what exactly are you moaning about?

So true. It's funny that on this forum there are so many threads about how as parents we are so hard done by. But this goes to show that kids can't win either. Literally no course of action is good enough.

None of your business. I was the same and met DH at 18. We married young and are together 20 years later and have DC.

My parents trying to interfere and judging us, for the reasons given in your post, permanently damaged my relationship with them.

Shut your mouth or you will force your DD to chose between you and her boyfriend. And it's far more likely she'll choose him and come to resent you for your meddling.

I don't see what's wrong as long as she does get some good work experience before considering marriage - and have a bit of her own adult life even if they live together

Women are allowed to work after marriage now, in fact that has been normal since the end of WW2. Personally speaking I've got a good job and have worked for a total of 19 years now, 17 of those years I have been married , I don't think being married really impacted on my financial independence.

Like others have pointed out in the real world there are loads of couples who have been together since uni. Yes people change but strong couples grow together rather than growing apart. Yes the foundation years are horrendous but it gets more predictable once they reach registrar, it would be difficult to have dc before that point but I'm sure your dd and her partner have the brains to work that one out themselves.

Also lots of couples who have been together since uni didn't have dc until their 30s (me included).

Or maybe they will split up who knows? Ultimately she needs to live her own life.

They are many, many, cautionary tales on this forum about women whose job has forever been (or stealthily become, I don’t know) secondary to their husband’s - they are not the higher earner, they pick up more slack at home, when dc are involved it makes sense that she cuts back her hours yada yada. To imply that being in a relationship has no impact on a woman’s career choices and outcomes is naive.

I met dh when we were at sixth form aged 16. We went to different universities but stayed together throughout, moved in together on completing our degrees.
We've now been together 30 years, married for 20 with a teenage daughter.

I've never had that fear of missing out.

Yes we've both changed over the years obviously, but we've changed together and we've still experienced life - just together.

You don't always plan when you'll meet the right person. It just happens. For some it's when they're a teen, for other they may be in their 50s or beyond.

My sister is a doctor and has managed to own a house, have children and pets without moving about all over the place. and I hardly ever refer to her husband as “the doctor’s husband”. Very strange, outdated concern and responses.

To imply that being in a relationship has no impact on a woman’s career choices and outcomes is naive.

It completely depends on the couple involved. Some men actually pick up slack too

YABVU and judgemental. DH and I are childhood sweethearts. Moved in together at 18, engaged at 19, married at 23, and still happily married now we’re in our 30s.

I really hope you haven’t mentioned any of this to your DD. It’s none of your business.

We were eighteen when we met. We were cautioned against settling down too quickly but whilst we waited to marry, we always knew we were the ones for each other.
Never ’played the field’ I think it’s unhelpful in learning about relationships. I think lots of casual relationships are a bad thing.
My career certainly took second place and I took on most of Day to day childcare but that was a clearly agreed choice. Personally, I don’t think you can have everything and someone or something has to compromise if you want a successful family unit as opposed to individual determination. I didn’t want my children so formative years to be dominated by poorly trained young nursery staff. We wanted to raise our own children. Maternity leave and pay coupled with breastfeeding meant it was logically me that had childcare bonus whilst we both supported his career.
I allowed my career to tick along and returned full time as youngest reached sixth form. I’ve been promoted twice since then and an executive level in a very large organisation. He’s still the main wage earner but I’m very happy.
We’ve travelled plenty.
We’ve not been left feeling we missed out and heading towards retirement we both know we enjoy each other’s company beyond anyone else’s, have shared ambitions and plans and are very comfortable. It’s nice.

Our daughter is planning to marry her first ‘proper’ boyfriend next year. We can all see their lives will follow a similar pattern. Her career as a doctor might we’ll go on hold for a few years but it will be a decision shared between them. They’ll grow old together too.

She has something good. Why try to undermine that for some nebulous notion that the grass is always greener?

You are my mum. She had concerns I was just interested in "playing house". I sort of was. I thought that was what I wanted. PLEASE support her with this. My mum didn't and things were never the same between us. She's long gone now but the rift is still incredibly painful.

By the way she was sort of right. After 12 years I was unhappily at the bottom of a cul de sac. I loved him but I wasn't where I wanted to be in life. I wish I could have confided in her at the time and asked for advice but I couldn't. The thought of asking her never even crossed my mind.....

It may last, if might not. She might be happy, she might not. You just need to be there for her.

That was 20 years ago. I don't believe the coupled-up, nuclear family route was ever right for me and I do regret some decisions I made but I needed to work it out for myself. Having the support of my mum would have made it so much easier.

@CherryPavlova I am so shocked at your blasé attitude that your daughter may give up a career for her husband. I do believe women can have more than we set them up to have, my husband has a bloody awkward career to work around but I have managed it, and not to the detriment of my children. If my mum wasn't supportive of my efforts I would have found it very difficult to stay motivated.

It's so concerning to see so many comments explaining how young relationships impact women, not men, and how accepting so many people are of this.

OP, I think most people have correctly said YABU.

Do not voice your concerns to your DD. I was in a very similar situation, we bought the house and the dog, then mutually decided we both wanted other things. My parents were a bit like you, and I didn’t feel I could look to my parents for support when I then needed it, as it just felt like they were thinking ‘told you so’. Just be there for your DD and support her in her decisions, so that she knows you will always be there for her, even if things don’t work out as planned.

I got married at 21.

Nothing about my life really changed. DH and I had (and still have) a lovely, warm, shared group of friends, plus our own friends like colleagues or those met through hobbies. We went to music festivals and holidayed together and seperately.

This did change slightly as we both got proper jobs; working full time will curtail the most freespirited person!

The gamechanger was kids, and we have 4 aged from a few weeks old to 7, so are at peak "military operation". Spontaneity does go (somewhat) out of the window then, although we still have weekend days where we'll all head out for lunch, and DH arranged just last night to go out for a meal with his mates this evening.

I really do think you're worrying too much and blaming lot of what is just normal rresponsible adulting on being coupled up. It isn't. There will always be the drudgery of bills to pay and exams to do. If DD wants to do that with a supportive loving partner then be happy she has one! If he isn't supportive or loving, that's the problem, not age.

She can hardly say "You wait around here darling, I'm going off on a shagfest and if at 30 I've not found anyone better, I'll settle down with you. BUT don't have a shagfest of your own because I'd be hurt by that - because I love you - and I don't want you to change your mind about me!" More to the point, DD doesn't seem to want that either!

@feduuup. I don’t recall saying she gave icing up her career. Many would think part time work as a palliative medicine consultant or GP wasn’t exactly a failure for our daughter.
I certainly didn’t place my career on hold “for my husband”; far from it. I did it because it was the best arrangement for our family and we believed strongly that we wanted to raise our children ourselves throughout their formative years.

We didn’t want to have to “manage” we wanted to enjoy our children, our lives and our work. I think huge pressure is put on women to do everything and that has a hugely detrimental effect on society as well as on individuals. I don’t think feminism is just about having a ‘fuck men’ attitude.

@CherryPavlova that's good for you, but your daughter needs to find her own path. If she wants to be a Dr perhaps her DH will be the one to go part time for a while, or be a SAHD? You seem to be expecting she will compromise way before any decisions have been made. Assumptions like that put pressure on women. Just because you didn't want to use "poorly trained nursery staff" you can't assume what your daughter will want/need to do when her time comes. Nice way to twist my words, you can use "manage" in a derogatory sense but I don't, we do manage despite people telling me "I can't have it all" we are very happy, I don't say fuck you to my DH but equally I'm not reducing my career until my children are in 6th form.

@feduuup she is a doctor and she certainly found her own path. He is also a doctor.
They will inevitably decide for themselves but trying to juggle a life with two entirely career focussed individuals means partnership and needs of children are a reduced priority.

So they are talking about settling down 9 years after meeting?

She was 17, graduates next year, 5 years after they want to settle...

Not sure what the problem is at all. In fact that's actually so normal.

needs of children are a reduced priority

Blimey some mums post on here because they don't want their daughter's to split up from their steady/professional/dependable boyfriends and you want yours to! Sounds like they both have their heads screwed on and if they lasted through uni then that is a good sign.

The "doctors wife"?! It isn't 1954!

Teateaandmoretea it’s not just about individuals, it’s about the society we live in and institutionalised sexism. The most non-sexist partner in the world isn’t enough to rectify the impact of patriarchy.