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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd should slow down with her bf?

164 replies

conceptionpregnancy · 12/04/2019 10:33

So my dd met her bf when she was 17 at sixth form, and he was 20 at a nearby university.

Dd will graduate next year, and they've already planned to move in together, probably in a shared house or rent a flat of their own.

Her bf is a junior doctor and so will have a decent income in a few years.

THey've already started talking that in about 5 years after graduation they can buy their own place. Her bf is keen to marry, settle down and have some children. She really wants a dog.

AIBU to think that they should all slow down a bit, and enjoy being young?

I'm also concerned that she's sticking to the first person she's dated. Doesn't she need to get out a bit and explore.

I guess, I just don't want her to be tied down in a few years as "the doctor's wife". She's a very bright girl herself..

OP posts:
Dimsumlosesum · 12/04/2019 12:05

YABU. It's her life to live. "enjoy being young" - what do you mean by that? It's not up to you, at all. Don't stick your oar in. For context, I met my now DH when i was 19, he was 25. We moved in together after 5 months, got engaged, rented and lived together and, though we had ups and downs (thanks to his MOTHER), we're still together, three kids and happy, almost two decades later. I don't know where life is going to take us. But I don't regret how we did things for a moment, and I very much appreciated my mum just simply being there and not judging.

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 12:06

WTAF is the big deal about 'going travelling'? A lot of people cannot afford that. I did, get raped, mugged, met loads of dodgy people, took a ton of drugs, wasted a ton of money I wish I hadn't. Big deal. Some people don't even like to travel, why's that a bad thing? I still love it myself, now doing more that the kids are getting older, but two of mine aren't really keen on it. Far be it from me to tell them they're wrong and I'm right.

NoSauce · 12/04/2019 12:06

Surely you saying anything to her about your concerns will only push her to carry on with her plans? Nothing you’ve said would worry me personally, she’s growing up and making decisions.

Is she an only child?

SuchAToDo · 12/04/2019 12:06

If they are happy and sensible and planning a solid future together and in live with each why would you want her to slow it down,?

You sound interfering op, tread carefully otherwise when they marry you are likely to be kept to the edge of their life (e.g they won't want you telling them when they can plan a family , how to raise a family, where they can live...and if this is how you are now, I can imagine you will be like that...you will be the classic mil from hellHmm)

Leave them alone, they are adults, their relationship is none of your business

Dimsumlosesum · 12/04/2019 12:07

I guess, I just don't want her to be tied down in a few years as "the doctor's wife"

How about you give your daughter some bloody credit? Why is it some people think that just because someone is someone's wife, it means the wife suddenly turns stupid and can't possibly think of anything to do for herself because now she's someone's wife? Jesus.

SuchAToDo · 12/04/2019 12:07

*in love

corythatwas · 12/04/2019 12:07

"Getting a dog and having DC young isn’t sensible if she wants short, medium and long term financial independence. If she doesn’t establish that after graduating it’ll be hard for her to WoH in a well paying job after DC."

Surely if the dd is now 21 and plans to settle down when she's 26, the first child is not likely to be born until she is at least 27? That would seem like plenty of time to establish her career first.

Her0utdoors · 12/04/2019 12:09

Bright girl? She is a woman for a start, who has the sense to both achieve a degree and sustain a committed relationship. Trust her, she is a credit to you as a mother.

ElinorRigby · 12/04/2019 12:12

There is something to be said for kissing a few frogs before settling on a prince.

Most of my friends who made early prince decisions split up - often acrimoniously - after a few years.

There are exceptions obviously.

But I think if you're from a culture which allows a bit of exploration (it doesn't have to be travelling the world) there's a sense that settling down with your first boyfriend can happen out of a fear of independence, a fear of being alone, a fear of finding out who you really are, a fear of making mistakes that can - in itself - be a massive mistake.

Typically medical students often end up with other medics because of the bizarre work rota/long hours - which are made even worse by current underfunding of the NHS. Relationships with non-medics are harder to sustain.

DoSomethingBob · 12/04/2019 12:12

We met at 18 and had both only had a couple of boyfriends/girlfriends before that. Married at 24, having had a huge amount of fun travelling and partying, carried on enjoying life to the max together and had kids at 29. 34 years later I don’t think either of us have any regrets that we didn’t play the field.

Your step daughter sounds like a very sensible and highly intelligent woman and I think you need to trust her to make the right decisions for herself.

SoHotADragonRetired · 12/04/2019 12:12

As long as she's not drastically limiting her ambitions to sustain an obviously not sustainable relationship... What's the problem?

People can grow apart, yes, but they can also grow together. I would discourage high-stakes and irrevocable acts in the early 20s like getting married, buying a house, or having kids, just because you do need some time and maturity ideally to commit to that, but they don't seem to be doing any of that, just talking about doing it down the line, at a quite reasonable age.

She's an adult. Some people are genuinely lucky enough to hit it right first time. Having each other to support, learn from, grow with, and have fun with, can be a wonderful way to go through your 20s.

DoSomethingBob · 12/04/2019 12:13

Not sure why I put step daughter. Sorry.

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 12:14

There is something to be said for kissing a few frogs before settling on a prince.

For some people. Pretty silly to drop someone you truly love and care about and whom you are compatible with to shag about and hope someone better comes along because you can't live your life anywhere but in the present.

notangelinajolie · 12/04/2019 12:17

Your DD and her partner have been together a long time so it's not as if they don't know each other very well so in all honesty I don't see why you are worrying so much. Age is just a number really and as long as they are mature and have a level head about their plans together for the future they have just as much chance (or slightly better imho) as anyone to make this work.

I stuck with my first and we're still happily stuck 30 years later. We weren't quite as young but still young by today's standards and by the age of 23 we'd bought our first house together.

Helmetbymidnight · 12/04/2019 12:17

i cant imagine being the sort of person who thinks your children is 'not your business'

its extraordinary - and i wonder what kind of family life they have themselves.

yeah op, id certainly have reservations but what can you do? just be there.

SoHotADragonRetired · 12/04/2019 12:19

Seriously, though, she's not getting married yet? Or buying a house, or ttc? So even if they split up in a few years, what's the problem exactly? Why would it be better for them to split up now?

I got together with DH at 20, we were serious from the start, and when I was 22 we were talking about marriage and kids some day, not because we intended to do it immediately but because we both needed to know we were on the same page and had the same goals. We married at 26; kids at 30, after having some wonderful fun together. 15 years together now, nearly 10 married, 2 kids, both have great jobs and no one has ever, ever referred to me as "the consultant's wife".

Whoops75 · 12/04/2019 12:19

Are you projecting OP

Do you regret settling down?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2019 12:19

Gosh you’re being very glass half empty about this relationship. There are many people in their 40’s and older, who have never found what your dd has now. Perhaps this won’t work out. However it sounds as though it is likely it will. Your dd and her bf have negotiated several hurdles already and are planning for the future in a mature and reasoned way. Are you not very proud of her?

JenniferJareau · 12/04/2019 12:22

I wouldn't worry about it. They are planning for 5 years time, anything could happen between now and then including them splitting up.

Moraxella · 12/04/2019 12:23

I’m a doctor and definitely the 2nd rung career in the relationship: I make it fit around my other half. He never gets referred to as a doctor’s husband? Many jobs are tied to one place or require relocation 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe she will get fed up of dating a junior doctor when he never comes home in time and can’t get guaranteed leave for their wedding? She might move on naturally, let it play out.

Thinkofsomethingoriginal · 12/04/2019 12:25

She sounds a very grounded young lady who has thought things through and knows what she wants. It think it's lovely. Good luck to her.

Bankofenglandfiver · 12/04/2019 12:25

None of your business and she sounds fine. Plan in place, not rushing. I don’t see the issue?

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 12:26

You should count yourself lucky that she's got her head screwed on. Sounds like she's doing seriously well for herself. Be happy she's in that position and that she's happy and chosen a good bloke by the sounds of it.

Can't believe some people find negativity in every situation.

I'd give my right arm to have been like her.

KetoCallie · 12/04/2019 12:28

Sounds like she has a lovely life ahead of her with someone she loves. I would be happy if I were you!

outpinked · 12/04/2019 12:30

She’s happy, has a degree of her own and her BF sounds grounded and bright. I wouldn’t be concerned about this! It may not last but if it does, at least she’s not shacked up with a drug addict.