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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd should slow down with her bf?

164 replies

conceptionpregnancy · 12/04/2019 10:33

So my dd met her bf when she was 17 at sixth form, and he was 20 at a nearby university.

Dd will graduate next year, and they've already planned to move in together, probably in a shared house or rent a flat of their own.

Her bf is a junior doctor and so will have a decent income in a few years.

THey've already started talking that in about 5 years after graduation they can buy their own place. Her bf is keen to marry, settle down and have some children. She really wants a dog.

AIBU to think that they should all slow down a bit, and enjoy being young?

I'm also concerned that she's sticking to the first person she's dated. Doesn't she need to get out a bit and explore.

I guess, I just don't want her to be tied down in a few years as "the doctor's wife". She's a very bright girl herself..

OP posts:
Margot33 · 12/04/2019 11:25

I don't think it's your business. I met mine when I was eighteen and still with him nineteen years later. Let her be happy and enjoy living for now. If its's time to change course, she will do that when she wants to.

PeggySuehadababy · 12/04/2019 11:27

YABU and perhaps you know it already. There are plenty of couples who are incredibly happy with their first serious partner and others who broke up to explore and are miserable.

I knew when I met my husband that I wanted to spend my life with him, he's kind, hard working and responsible and a great dad. They have been together for years, sound mature and are happy together. Sure you want to interfere?

And at their age they can still travel and enjoy nights out with friends, they are not chained to a tree!

Ffsnosexallowed · 12/04/2019 11:27

I met dp when I was 19, moved in with him within a couple of months. 25 years late and I haven't missed out on anything. Be happy for her.

grannycake · 12/04/2019 11:29

My DH was 19 when we married 37 years ago - we are looking forward to a happy retirement together. Not all early marriages end in divorce

RasberryRoyale · 12/04/2019 11:29

I don’t think you are being that unreasonable. I don’t think you can say anything though as what they are thinking is natural steps in a relationship. I know someone who met her now DH at 17. By 20 they had a child, fast forward to the present day, more DC later and they bitterly regret settling with the first guy they went with and are trapped in a very bad marriage.

That being said, That sounds different to your daughter and her boyfriend. I wouldn’t say they are rushing into things. You might not like that he’s potentially going to be her only boyfriend but if she’s happy then Good Luck to her.

thecatsthecats · 12/04/2019 11:34

No, we're usually not the same person at 27 as we were at 17 but that's going to happen no matter whether you go 'exploring' or not.

Exactly! And it comes in so many shapes and forms, and often goes wobbly in the middle.

I mean, my husband and I went out drinking, clubbing and travelling etc a lot compared to our friends in our early twenties - which is entirely down to income, not being in a relationship!

I know other early settlers, and I know other wild oats types. Both have been happy and unhappy along the way. The one who married an abusive twunt. The serial dater who ended up being dumped by the guy who kept her at his beck and call for three years. The one who got out of a young relationship, did a few wild oats, then got into a serious relationship too fast at the grand old age of 27.

I am seriously baffled by posters who have reached an age where they can look down in judgement at this sort of thing, but have somehow avoided meeting people with a variety of different lives and experiences.

lostelephant · 12/04/2019 11:36

I'm also concerned that she's sticking to the first person she's dated. Doesn't she need to get out a bit and explore.

Your daughter has been lucky enough to find somebody she wants to be with long term the first time around and you're encouraging she ends that to sleep around? Confused

Stopyourhavering64 · 12/04/2019 11:37

I met my dh when I was 18 and he was 2nd yr Medic.....we've known each other 37 yrs and married 32 with 3 dcs....obviously had our ups and downs but we've shared so many great experiences together too....wouldn't have had it any other way ...oh and btw I have my own professional qualification so not known as Dr's wife 🙄

NunoGoncalves · 12/04/2019 11:40

I certainly wouldn't want to settle down that quickly!

But I know people who have and are still happily married with lots of kids.

So yes, I think YABU to try to make her live her life how YOU think she should live it.

NunoGoncalves · 12/04/2019 11:42

Also buying a house at ~26 and then starting to think about kids isn't particularly young, especially given that they'll have been together 9 years by that point.

ALSO why would she have to give up work and become "the doctor's wife" just because they own a house and have a dog?

You're projecting your own fears way too much.

DowntonCrabby · 12/04/2019 11:42

YABU it may work out and it may not.

They have already been together a few years and with her looking ahead to graduation it’s quite natural they’ll be planning what life may look like over the next x years.

You are absolutely entitled to your opinions by any input from you will have zero bearing on the future, other than to possibly push her away.

I have been with my now DH since 18 (mid 30’s now) it can work out. If you played the field more OP that was fine for you but it’s not the only way.

katseyes7 · 12/04/2019 11:44

My cousin started going out with her husband to be at school when they were 14. They got married at 22 and they were together (and very happy) until he died two years ago at the age of 52. They were both teachers, had 2 kids (grown up now) and neither of them ever went out with anyone else. They were best friends as well as husband and wife, and had the most amazing life together.

vjg13 · 12/04/2019 11:45

Is the point that you don't actually like him rather than your other "concerns"?

viques · 12/04/2019 11:46

What is her degree ? What is she planning to do with it when she graduates? Far more interesting questions than the information that she wants to get a dog!

Pollaidh · 12/04/2019 11:50

About half the couples I know (late 30s, early 40s) have been with their partners since university, because many people meet their other halves there and move in together after uni. I've been with DH since post-grad.

I've got two friends who met their boyfriends at school aged 16, have had no other boyfriends, and are still happily together 25 years later, having. Both husbands are in high flying jobs, and both the wives have continued with PhDs, and now have academic and corporate careers.

kaytee87 · 12/04/2019 11:53

Sounds like a lovely, sensible, young couple.
What's the point in kissing frogs if you've already found a prince?

So, yes, yabu. Plenty of doctors wives have their own careers too and even if she chooses to take a back step there's nothing wrong with that.

Adversecamber22 · 12/04/2019 11:56

They aren’t exactly rushing are they? DS has his first proper GF and they got together at 17, it’s almost a year. If they stay together and were planning on doing this in that sort of time frame I would be delighted.

I have a lot of life experience as single as didnt date DH till I was 31. I Travelled a lot and did loads but I wish we had met younger.

ControversialFerret · 12/04/2019 11:57

Met DH at 16, moved in together when I was 22 and got married when I was 26. Now aged 40 and still together and quite happy!

EvaHarknessRose · 12/04/2019 11:59

Careful what you wish for but I do get you. I have a niece who is doing the same and who we all wish would go off travelling by herself for a bit. Only difference is she will likely be the vicar's wife. Just keep focused on what she wants, what her goals and ambitions are and how to build a partnership where she is not just facilitating his.

decimalpoint · 12/04/2019 12:00

I don’t see the issue? Your DD has been with her bf for over 3 years (from age 17) and they are discussing long term plans about what they might do in 5 years? Sounds totally normal to me.

I think the idea of settling down with a ‘childhood sweetheart’ and missing out is such a personal thing, it would bother some people but not others.

Loopytiles · 12/04/2019 12:00

Getting a dog and having DC young isn’t sensible if she wants short, medium and long term financial independence. If she doesn’t establish that after graduating it’ll be hard for her to WoH in a well paying job after DC.

Which will be fine if they both want her to SAH, she enjoys that, they stay together happily and her DH stays well. But over half of marriages end, and their odds will be worse because of his job and their ages. In the event of a break up, almost all the financial risk would be hers personally.

Inmyvestandpants · 12/04/2019 12:01

It's funny to see how strong views can be on this subject. Both those who play the field and those who settle early can find happiness. To be honest, isn't the playing of the field a search for happiness? If you've found it, why keep searching?

LegoPeopleEverywhere · 12/04/2019 12:01

I've been with my DH since I was 17 and he was 18 (now mid 30s). Moved in together when we were 21/22. Don't feel like my 20s would have been better had I not been with the person I love/d.

Raspberry10 · 12/04/2019 12:03

So in 5 years when she’s 26 and her BF is 29 they are talking about buying a house and settling down. That’s hardly rushing it? If she’s met ‘the one’ she’s met him. Be happy for her that she’s not being dragged through loads of twat bf’s who don’t value her.the grass isn’t always greener.

DishingOutDone · 12/04/2019 12:03

So let me get this straight, you are complaining because your daughter is planning to settle down with a doctor but you'd prefer her to go out and shag a few other people first?

Or is the dog that's the deal breaker? Hmm