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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd should slow down with her bf?

164 replies

conceptionpregnancy · 12/04/2019 10:33

So my dd met her bf when she was 17 at sixth form, and he was 20 at a nearby university.

Dd will graduate next year, and they've already planned to move in together, probably in a shared house or rent a flat of their own.

Her bf is a junior doctor and so will have a decent income in a few years.

THey've already started talking that in about 5 years after graduation they can buy their own place. Her bf is keen to marry, settle down and have some children. She really wants a dog.

AIBU to think that they should all slow down a bit, and enjoy being young?

I'm also concerned that she's sticking to the first person she's dated. Doesn't she need to get out a bit and explore.

I guess, I just don't want her to be tied down in a few years as "the doctor's wife". She's a very bright girl herself..

OP posts:
ElinorRigby · 12/04/2019 12:30

I was very struck by reading this. I'd be worried not just by the stress on the young doctors concerned - but by the impact on partners and families. While we may like the idea of our children 'settling down' with partners who have a 'good job' and 'prospects', the reality is rather different...

www.theguardian.com/society/2019/mar/28/nhs-trainee-doctors-denied-leave-dossier-hospitals

tinkertinker1 · 12/04/2019 12:30

If she were my dd, I'd be happy for her! Happy that my dd was happy. Happy that she had met someone decent. Happy that she wasn't going from one relationship to the next. Happy that she was being used or abused (very common these days). Happy that she wasn't on the phone to my everyday crying due to some silly, petty argument that was the end of the world to her....the list goes on really.

So they want to settle down in a few years? Who knows, they might do! Or they could just be living in the moment and it could all fizzle out in the future.

Either way I think you are BU. They don't need to slow down, they are only talking about their futures probably because they feel very much in love. It's not actually happening now is it? They just have dreams for the future. Wether they come true or not remains to be seen.

But honestly, just be pleased your dd is in a settled place in her life. Much better than having constant drama/break ups.

KitKat1985 · 12/04/2019 12:40

I assume when you say she will graduate next year you mean from University? So if she was in 6th form when they've met they have been together 3 years right? Seems perfectly reasonable for them to move in together to me, and I don't see anything rushed.

Not everyone wants to 'play the field'. And if she's happy and he treats her well then what's the issue?

BlueJava · 12/04/2019 12:44

I'd think I'd let her get on with it and not say anything. Not saying for definite, but in all probability the relationship will run it's course soon enough, and if not then all good. I would ask her what she is doing after sixth form though in terms of studies/career.

thebabessavedme · 12/04/2019 12:49

your dd sounds like a dream child! wow, a degree, prospects, sensible forward planning with a guy training for a good job - what exactly are you moaning about?

its her life, not yours

Boysey45 · 12/04/2019 12:50

I'd just keep out of it and be glad shes not in an abusive relationship etc. I think time will tell what will happen. I don't know anyone who has stayed with a teen romance boyfriend, they all got bored eventually and moved on etc. I think she will want to go out with others eventually.

DobbyLovesSocks · 12/04/2019 12:53

To echo what others have posted: I met my DH when i was at Uni - he was working at the hospital i placed at (nursing). He is 7 years older than me and apart from being a bit unsure of the age gap my dad and him hit it off straight away. My mum, not so much - it took her a long time to come round to the idea of us being together. We married three years later and have a DC. We 'knew' we had met our soul mate and didn't see the point in hanging around. I am now 35 and am very very happy. My mum now loves him but it was hard that she didn't support us in those early months/year.

Ultimately this is your DD's life and the only thing you can do is support and be there for her IF things go wrong - she won't thank you for interfering

Guyliner · 12/04/2019 12:59

When the exact opposite of this was posted every poster told the op if they were the mother they'd be telling their son to slow down and leave the crazy op!

Funny. Is that because the OP must always be wrong or because the sexes have been reversed and he wants to settle down early?

missbattenburg · 12/04/2019 13:03

I don't see the risk?

So they move in together now. That's something that is very easily undone if they decide to split. They aren't thinking of buying anywhere for another 5 years so have all that time to help determine if that's what they really want.

Anothernew1 · 12/04/2019 13:07

@guyliner I saw that post too however the partner in the other post seemed reluctant to move in etc.. and they didn't appear to be on the same page. This post it appears that the couple are both at a similar stage in life and have the same goals/wants.

Imadehimlikethat · 12/04/2019 13:07

So she's 21 and contemplating moving in with her boyfriend but you'd prefer she was out having sex with other people?

And you don't want them to marry because he's a doctor and she'll just be his wife? At home scrubbing his stethoscope 14 hours a day and producing the reiteration of his clever genes?

Fwiw my friend the doctor, his wife is a doctor too. She didn't have to take a vow of worshipping at his feet to marry him. Thry also have two kids and she works.

Nomorepies · 12/04/2019 13:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

NunoGoncalves · 12/04/2019 13:10

When the exact opposite of this was posted

I'm not sure someone wanting a baby but their partner wanting to wait is the "exact opposite" of a couple wanting to buy a house in 5 years time and one of their mums thinking they shouldn't.

It's not even close really.

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 13:25

Doesn't even have to be a degree! My sister is an officer in the Army who never went to uni and her husband is a doctor. They've been together since they were 17. That's 22 years now and they have 4 children.

Rezie · 12/04/2019 13:36

Other than screw a lot of guys What is it that she cannot do? She can still go to uni, she can go clubbing, she can travel. They can do this together or independently.

I can totally understand your worry but their plan seems very sensible. They might figure out within the 5 years that they've grown apart of they might figure out that they have grown together.

naynaybiscuit · 12/04/2019 14:08

I met my DH when I'd just turned 18. I moved in to his parents within a year whilst we saved for our own house.

Engaged at 23 and married at 24. Almost 13 years and two dc later we're still very much individuals but we have grown together.

We're both very happy we didn't listen to any of the patronising "advice" from relatives and friends about enjoying youth and not settling down too soon.

Loopytiles · 12/04/2019 14:55

Lots of young women prioritise their relationship when making work / life decisions, even before living together.

V few young men do so.

optimisticpessimist01 · 12/04/2019 14:58

You are being very unreasonable. I moved in with DP straight after uni. We would've spent most of our spare time together anyway, and with DP having a job that works unsociable hours I would never see him otherwise.

We still enjoyed being young, we used to go on nights out, city breaks away, we just lived together

If she's happy then whats the problem? She'll end up resenting you and you'll become the nightmare MIL people complain about on here

optimisticpessimist01 · 12/04/2019 15:00

She's been with him presumably 3 years, she will be 21 years old, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. She has found a partner who is clearly very sensible and respectable.

Be grateful she isn't shacked up with a new boy every weekend, taking god knows what drugs and earning no real money.

Your daughter is happy, and very sensible. You should be very, very happy. Things could be much worse

Sitdownstandup · 12/04/2019 15:37

The stuff about settling down is miles away yet, she's just looking at getting a flat with her partner at what, 21? No guarantee any of the other stuff will come to fruition. And if it did, 26 isnt particularly young to settle down.

thecatsthecats · 12/04/2019 15:42

Apart from anything else, THEY ARE COMMUNICATING WITH EACH OTHER.

That's the relationship bloody gold standard, that is. They can change their minds - absolutely, and maybe they will?

It doesn't really matter WHAT they want at the moment so long as they're discussing it and agreeing?

Inferiorbeing · 12/04/2019 15:44

You would hate me then, been together since I was 16, lived together 2nd and 3rd years or uni, got engaged during uni and bought a house 2 months after graduation! Get married next year at 23. I get what you're saying but if it's what they think is right then go with it. My parents got married at 21 and have been together 25 years so they didnt say anything!

Ellisandra · 12/04/2019 15:49

What’s with this “the doctor’s wife” bullshit?
Are we in 1962?
If that’s your way of thinking, then the more harmful thing is you enforcing that kind of crap with her.

I moved in with my first boyfriend when I was 16. Met him at 15. Ran its course when I was 23. Trust me, I explored enough in my late 20s to make your hair stand on end and hope your daughter never gets up to what I got up to Grin

stucknoue · 12/04/2019 15:54

I don't see what's wrong as long as she does get some good work experience before considering marriage - and have a bit of her own adult life even if they live together