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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd should slow down with her bf?

164 replies

conceptionpregnancy · 12/04/2019 10:33

So my dd met her bf when she was 17 at sixth form, and he was 20 at a nearby university.

Dd will graduate next year, and they've already planned to move in together, probably in a shared house or rent a flat of their own.

Her bf is a junior doctor and so will have a decent income in a few years.

THey've already started talking that in about 5 years after graduation they can buy their own place. Her bf is keen to marry, settle down and have some children. She really wants a dog.

AIBU to think that they should all slow down a bit, and enjoy being young?

I'm also concerned that she's sticking to the first person she's dated. Doesn't she need to get out a bit and explore.

I guess, I just don't want her to be tied down in a few years as "the doctor's wife". She's a very bright girl herself..

OP posts:
Inferiorbeing · 12/04/2019 15:55

Also even as a couple you can still do all of the 'exploring' (aside from sleeping with other people obviously!) Its a relationship not a prison. Me and my OH regularly go out together and mini breaks etc as well as spending time with friends, it's not a deal breaker

HappyMama01 · 12/04/2019 16:03

I met my husband at 18 in uni halls, I've never not lived with him. We got drunk and did all the crazy twenties things. Then realised we were over that life. We got married and had our first baby at 21.
It's not a big deal that much anymore.

Let them be who they want to be.

HollowTalk · 12/04/2019 16:06

She really does need to focus on getting her own career and making sure it's what she wants to do, not just something that ties in with what he wants to do. What kind of man is he? Is he selfish? Supportive?

Honeyroar · 12/04/2019 16:09

I can see your concerns. But as long as she's got her own plans, career wise, and isn't just slotting in to his life, I think it's ok. Some of the strongest couples I know met early. What would worry me is if she went down the route that someone I was at uni took. She graduated along with her boyfriend, who went to work in the city, earning big bucks. On leaving her aspirations were to be a "kept woman". She followed him around, doing little nothing jobs and playing house. They split up several years later, not married, she had no degree level job experience and had basically shot down her prospects.

Ariela · 12/04/2019 16:14

My friend met her now husband at the age of 14, dated for 3 years but her parents made them split up when she was revising for A levels.
Was very unhappy for a good few years, various unsuitable boyfriends, minimal contact with parents whom she blamed for her unhappiness, till they bumped into each other again and carried on where they left off now been happily married over 20 years

yearinyearout · 12/04/2019 16:14

Crikey. Dating in this day and age is a nightmare. I would be delighted if either of my adult dc met someone they wanted to be with without having to negotiate all the pitfalls of online dating/are we exclusive or not/has this new partner had a recent sti check/are we even in a relationship bullshit. Leave her to get on with her life and be glad that she's happy with what sounds like a lovely young man.

corythatwas · 12/04/2019 16:17

*When the exact opposite of this was posted every poster told the op if they were the mother they'd be telling their son to slow down and leave the crazy op!

Funny. Is that because the OP must always be wrong or because the sexes have been reversed and he wants to settle down early?*

The OP in the other thread was complaining because her boyfriend wanted to wait until a time when she would be 27.

Which is exactly the age the young girl on this thread would be if they carried on as both her and her boyfriend agree.

Seems to me like MN is being remarkably consistent: 27 sounds a good age and both parties need to be on board.

TwoBlueFish · 12/04/2019 16:44

I was with my first bf for 9 years, met at 17, went to uni together, rent houses together for first jobs and then bought a house and were engaged We split up when I was 26, we’d both cheated during our time together and probably should have split up sooner but we were very comfortable. I met my now DH soon after and we’ve been together over 20 years and it’s always felt like a much more solid and grown up relationship.

I don’t regret it, lots of great memories and I did a lot of growing up.

Sunhill4 · 12/04/2019 16:49

I met my dh aged 17, am 50 now. No regrets, love him to the moon and back. It really is not your life, it's hers

mclady · 12/04/2019 16:59

So your daughter has a met a man who loves her very much, wants to plan a future that involves her and he has a clear career path yet you'd rather she shag about for a couple of years? What's stopping them experiencing life together, travelling, etc?

teenybean · 12/04/2019 17:09

YABVU!
What if you convince your dd to split with him so that she can shag around or whatever you're expecting her to do, then she never finds anyone else she loves as much as him?

As for the drs wife comment, really? This isn't the 1930's, where your husbands job is the most important thing about a woman, I know several drs wives (& shock horror- also some drs husbands! 😱) none of them are ever known as the 'drs spouse'.

If your dd is at uni, I assume she has her own career planned? They've obviously been together a few years & love each other, why would you not want that for your dd??

shitpark · 12/04/2019 19:09

This isn't rushing. This is how healthy relationships progress when everything is going right. Leave them to it

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 19:17

What’s with this “the doctor’s wife” bullshit?

Exactly! My sister is definitely not 'the doctor's wife'! She has an amazing career, his career is the one that's been flexible to accommodate her postings. If anything he's the one who jokes that he's 'the soldier's husband'.

Tunnockswafer · 12/04/2019 19:23

I personally think it’s far too young to settle down but that’s with the benefit of hindsight.
She may be making limited career choices - with regard to location for example - rather the full free choice she could make if single. But she may avoid heartache along the way too.

feduuup · 12/04/2019 19:32

My DH and I met at 17, married and kids young yes, but still both have very successful careers and own home. I consider myself extremely blessed to have grown up with my husband, he is my best friend, we've experienced everything together. It's very precious and rare, my mum wouldn't for a second say she was worried for me!!

feduuup · 12/04/2019 19:36

And just to add we've travelled together, we've done our own thing at time- I went to university hundreds of miles away and he followed his career path hundreds of miles away. We've never been joined at the hip and have always given each other room to grow trusting each other. Young relationships will either grow together or apart, if you don't each follow your dreams you will stifle each other. But we have lived a very rich life supporting each other, we have done more than many people double our age. We are not lacking in life experiences!!

secretnutter · 12/04/2019 19:36

YABU! My husband and I started dating when we were 14 & 16, both completed school, went to different universities on opposite sides of the country. We've been together 19 years, married for 6 and have two kids and two successful careers! AND couldn't be more in love! Be happy for your daughter!

BlackPrism · 12/04/2019 19:43

So they've been together 5 years?? Calm down and let them live their life

Seventytwoseventythree · 12/04/2019 19:44

My husband is the “doctor’s spouse” in our relationship, he has his own career and life. I’m at work all the time so it would very boring for him to just be my spouse, he has plenty of time to progress his own career and hobbies and friendships.

Additionally she will need to have her own career as the junior doctor starting salary can be as low as £23 000 depending on your rota so not a huge amount to support a spouse on! Though I appreciate it depends where you live

ExtraPineappleExtraHam · 12/04/2019 20:01

YANBU in my opinion. I was in a relationship from an early age and still am with that guy. Being in a relationship does somewhat limit you to living your life fully in your twenties and I'll tell you why:
1.) I decided against staying in halls at uni and instead moved in with my full time working boyfriend and I didn't get the full experience. Other students classed me as a mature student and the mature students thought I was a kid. I missed out on the shared experience of living in dorms and shared houses and ended up sort of being a bit of a wife as I was home more and dp was out at work all day.
2.) You can't be that spontaneous as you have to sort of 'check in' with your oh. So if you and your bf arrange to go to the cinema on the night and then after lectures everyone goes for drinks and you have to go to the cinema even though you'd rather have stayed out. That's not controlling behaviour on your partners behalf, it's common courtesy to stick to the plans you made first even if they're more boring.
3.) You can't really go travelling for months at a time once you are financially responsible for a house and one or both of you is working full tome.
4.) Ditto spontaneously moving to a different part of the country. I wanted to move to London but we owned a house here and DP's work was here so that was that.
I'd love for someone to tell me that their experiences were wildly different.

starmummio · 12/04/2019 20:09

I'd be happy daughter was in a long term relationship rather than playing the field and

augustboymummy17 · 12/04/2019 20:21

I can't see how their rushing by the time they buy a house they will of been together 8/9 years hardly rushing 🙄 i think you should stay out of it or you may end up regretting it and losing a good relationship with your daughter!

feduuup · 12/04/2019 20:29

@ExtraPineappleExtraHam you've chosen to live like that though, that is not indicative of all young relationships. DH and I were together from 17 and what you describe was not our relationship at all until we married (even then I'd say we're not as restrictive as you sound). In our teens and 20s we followed our own paths even though it took us hundreds of miles from each other sometimes. We were secure enough in knowing it wouldnt jeopardise our relationship.

SoyDora · 12/04/2019 20:41

ExtraPineappleExtraHam your experience is not like mine at all.

feduuup · 12/04/2019 20:50

Just to show the experience described isn’t inevitable.

  1. I lived in halls, did all the uni experience (I even studied abroad for a semester) the op’s daughter isn’t moving in until after graduation.

  2. you can’t be spontaneous?! Even at 30+ married with kids if a friend asked me out I’d move things around! Are you in a controlling relationship? That is not normal, “checking in”?

  3. we’ve travelled a lot, even post kids, but especially before. He was working full time so it wasn’t months at a time but I’ve never wanted to do that. I've got friends who were high school sweet hearts who travelled for months before starting work full time.

  4. we have lived in 4 different areas, we’ve moved to where one of us has needed to be but made it work for both of. We moved from our home town years ago.