AIBU - help with SIL as house guest

[notmuchmoretogive]

I need some help with DH's family. Have name changed as this is outing.

Currently live with DH, DD (12), DS (7) and DN (soon 21). DN lost her mum to cancer aged 16, her mum was DH's twin. We became her legal guardians but she stayed with her best friend's family before moving in with us age 18 as she wanted to finish her education in the country DH and his family are from (12 hr flight, so not local). Whilst her mum was ill DH spent over 6 months of the year with them which I encouraged and supported and have no regrets (we didn't have the money for us all to go). After DN moved in with us we realised job prospects and transport links were limited and so rented out our own house (3 beds) and rented (4 beds) that meant DN was able to get a job in local city as good bus route.

Fast forward a few years and now DH's other sister (SIL) wants to get care work here. Working two week stretches with time off in between (don't know how much). She expects certainly some of that time off to stay with us. SIL is an alcoholic with bipolar, she can be wonderful but also tricky. She's been living with her father who told DH it had been a nightmare. In the 18 years I've known her she has never managed to be independent, always relying on a man to support her with sporadic work in between. I could write volumes but this is already lengthy.

Our home life: DH works crazy hours and essentially isn't here during the week and when he is he's working. I work full time at DS's school (term time only), hrs 8-4.30 (including short travel) and am also studying. During the week it is like being a single parent I do everything except walk the dog which DH does. I struggle with change /sharing my space and find it stressful having guests for more than a day or two. DN has recently acquired new boyfriend, I'm delighted as he seems lovely and she's so happy but that is another person in the mix!

DH feels we have to support SIL who is destitute but he's also anxious about how it will play out. He thinks I'm uncharitable being anxious about having her and not wanting it to be too often (the idea of coming home from work to someone other than DH, DN and our children fills me with horror! I know this is my problem and pretty unreasonable).

Aibu to ask for your advice on how to cope? How can I seem charitable but protect myself (I've never had MH issues but can see myself careering over the edge). How do you cope with someone regularly staying on your sofa? What boundaries should I set? I need help on supporting someone with MH but not for sake of mine!

If you read all that thank you and sorry, did not want to drip feed.

Update, the UK arm of the job has rejected her due to back problems. SIL is very upset about this as she thought had been accepted.

It looks like she will now just be coming here on holiday, they are not staying with us (no room) but in a hotel down the road.

DH does not think she will stay in the country unless she is offered a job during her holiday but this is unlikely.

An alcoholic in your home will dominate your family life completely especially one with bi-polar. My dd's mil is like this and I have witnessed the change from one day to another. From a friendly, accomodating person one day to a hostile, indifferent, accusatory and aggressive one the next. You will be walking on egg shells all the time and you will feel uncomfortable in your own home.

My own dd had drink related issues and without going into details, her behaviour while at this stage in her life nearly destroyed us. When she eventually left, the relief was enormous but the damage was done.

He is telling you to accept the unacceptable whilst he is not there and believe me, it will all be your fault. You must absolutely refuse. You have already taken on DN, as I have taken on two more children. You are a good person and you have enough on your plate. Do not let her in because it will be all the harder to call time on the arrangement.

It's not a good plan. You can be kind and supportive to SIL without moving her in. If you let her stay initially and then ask her to leave...which sounds inevitable, this will be worse all round than saying no upfront.

You don't have the space. Her mental health is not more important than the mental health of you and your children. This will have little impact on dh but a great deal on you and the dc. He has no right to expect you will agree to it and if you do agree to it I'm not sure you will be taking proper care of your dc let alone of yourself.

A ‘back problem’ would be the least of the worries of the poor soul she’d be caring for. Thank goodness this came to light.

Agree with PP who suggested that your kind husband is not so kind when it comes to you, your children and the very vulnerable person/people she’d be looking after if she were successful in getting a care job.

Let’s hope she returns home after her holiday and OP, please stand up to your husband in future.

Incidentally, if she were to live here, how would her MH be monitored?
Our MH services are already unable to cope with the resources and staffing available?

It’s unlikely she’d be treated as a priority if she became really unstable as she has your husband (and you) as a safe, stable environment to fall back on.

No no no no no.

@tightpants I also was concerned about this. She takes a number of drugs for bi polar but also to avoid alcohol. I'm not sure if all those drugs are available on the NHS and therefore there would have to be a period of 'getting the right balance' again.

Hopefully won't now be a problem and we can talk through her options whilst she is holidaying here.

Please discourage her from applying for care work anywhere.
People who rely on carers are way too vulnerable for her to be anywhere near her.

What a nightmare position your DH has put you in. I'm glad she was rejected from the job purely for your sanity and the kids.
It might be worth explaining to DH that if she acts up and the kids go school and explain why they are so tired, social services will start poking around.
I really hope she goes back home after her holiday for all your sakes. Your entire lives have all been turned upside down and you have behaved admirably.

The issue here is your DH’s unrealistic expectations.

Having someone staying on your sofa for weeks on end on a regular basis is not a fun way to live for you or her. If SIL wants to come and work here she needs to be able to support herself in her own home.

Add in that she is an alcoholic who also suffers from bipolar- and that her own father has said living with her was a nightmare- and I think her staying in your sofa for long periods is going to end in disaster sooner or later. You have children to think of too and they need to be your priority here.

When you also take into account that during the week your DH is barely around and you have do everything (which is fine if that’s an arrangenebt you are happy with), I think it’s easy for DH to be happy for his sister to stay because he won’t have to deal with any of the problems created. He gets to feel he’d Helped his sister without having to make any effort. But he’s also being pretty thoughtless towards you for that very reason.

My final thought would be this: how likely is it that your SIL will be able to a)get and b) keep a live in carer position? If she is a nightmare to live with because of her alcoholism and bipolar how will she possibly manage to hold down a job as a live-in carer? And should she actually be doing that sort of work with (likely) vulnerable people in the first place? You need to think about what will happen if she can’t get it loses her job. Will she be back living on your sofa permanently?

Family is everything in many cultures, you don't give up because things are tricky

You own comes first. I am so glad my mother through this sexist, outdated trollop out the window because what it really means is that the women of hte family get saddled with caring for the tricky, ill, addicted, etc relatives on top of doing everything else. Or people working like slaves putting themselves into early graves to send money to these tricky relatives.

Just so grateful to her that she wouldn't put up with that and gave us a better example.

She's not entitled to use the NHS excepting emergencies if she hasn't been habitually resident. Or access benefits. At all. And the benefits now are all Universal Credit, which is nothing.

You're still banking on the fact that she won't stay here when you should be making it clear to your husband that she will not be offered a stay in your home, ever, as she is an alcoholic.

notmuchmoretogive Glad for you that it looks as if this visit will just be for a holiday. Hope it gives you and your DH time to talk seriously about the future, especially in terms of what will happen in the long term. You come across as a very kind and concerned person who wants to do the best for your SIL. Family loyalty and expectations are important but sometimes a compromise is needed when there are conflicting needs, like creating a safe and happy environment for your children.

Hopefully it won't now be an issue. However, I think that you do need to have a chat with your DH. Mine can be a bit of a Mr Help Everyone as he likes the "feel good" factor this brings him. I eventually pointed out that if he had been on the Titanic the children and I would have drowned as he would have been running around helping everyone else to the lifeboats first. His first responsibility is to you and your DC and DN and it is highly irresponsible of him to foist a person on you who may well jeopardise your children's safety.

It might help to sit down with a piece of paper and list all the members of the family in order of his responsibility to them and then the pros and cons of having his sister to stay for each of them. That should spell the position out in black and white for him.

Absolute hell no from me. I don't care who a person is to me, family etc, if they are an alcoholic or have any substance abuse issues then nope sorry, my children are my number one priority and there is no way I would ever have them subjected to that. How unfair

During the holiday it sounds like your DH needs to talk with FIL about his long term plans for himself and SIL. Will they both come back to the UK? What is going to happen as his health deteriorates?

Ok so things may very well work out for you due to her being rejected. But you should take a firm position on this. She might very well want to stick around and try look for a job and live with you.

we can talk through her options whilst she is holidaying here

A good idea in principle, but best of luck when both she and your DH - and probably FIL too - think the real answer would be for her to stay here

Frankly I'm beginning to wonder if FIL sees this as an opportunity to get rid of the responsibility ...