AIBU - help with SIL as house guest

[notmuchmoretogive]

I need some help with DH's family. Have name changed as this is outing.

Currently live with DH, DD (12), DS (7) and DN (soon 21). DN lost her mum to cancer aged 16, her mum was DH's twin. We became her legal guardians but she stayed with her best friend's family before moving in with us age 18 as she wanted to finish her education in the country DH and his family are from (12 hr flight, so not local). Whilst her mum was ill DH spent over 6 months of the year with them which I encouraged and supported and have no regrets (we didn't have the money for us all to go). After DN moved in with us we realised job prospects and transport links were limited and so rented out our own house (3 beds) and rented (4 beds) that meant DN was able to get a job in local city as good bus route.

Fast forward a few years and now DH's other sister (SIL) wants to get care work here. Working two week stretches with time off in between (don't know how much). She expects certainly some of that time off to stay with us. SIL is an alcoholic with bipolar, she can be wonderful but also tricky. She's been living with her father who told DH it had been a nightmare. In the 18 years I've known her she has never managed to be independent, always relying on a man to support her with sporadic work in between. I could write volumes but this is already lengthy.

Our home life: DH works crazy hours and essentially isn't here during the week and when he is he's working. I work full time at DS's school (term time only), hrs 8-4.30 (including short travel) and am also studying. During the week it is like being a single parent I do everything except walk the dog which DH does. I struggle with change /sharing my space and find it stressful having guests for more than a day or two. DN has recently acquired new boyfriend, I'm delighted as he seems lovely and she's so happy but that is another person in the mix!

DH feels we have to support SIL who is destitute but he's also anxious about how it will play out. He thinks I'm uncharitable being anxious about having her and not wanting it to be too often (the idea of coming home from work to someone other than DH, DN and our children fills me with horror! I know this is my problem and pretty unreasonable).

Aibu to ask for your advice on how to cope? How can I seem charitable but protect myself (I've never had MH issues but can see myself careering over the edge). How do you cope with someone regularly staying on your sofa? What boundaries should I set? I need help on supporting someone with MH but not for sake of mine!

If you read all that thank you and sorry, did not want to drip feed.

Mrex - is there such a thing? Wouldn't she need some time off?

Having an alcoholic around children is not on so that would be a no from me on those grounds.

Your DH is not around much and working so will leave much of the catering, extra housework involved etc to you.

Having someone stay on your sofa for any more than a few days will be problematic. She will not have any personal space so her MH may suffer (as will yours) and where will all her stuff be kept? Very stressful.

Her DF has found her difficult presumably with just the 2 of them in one house so presumably not overcrowded. Your house will have 6 people in it and she will not have her own space. That will hardly help her MH especially if she is starting work in a new job at the same time and a relatively demanding job at that.

Regardless of what your DH says I would say this is your house too and you have a right to say who comes to stay. You are already helping out with taking in his niece and now he wants you to take on another family member. Is this a cultural thing? My DH is half Indian and I think his mum assumed as she got older she would come live with us as Asian families often do that. I scotched that straight away by pointing out my DH was raised in UK and she never took her mum in either.

I agree with everyone - NO.

She is unlikely to be able to hold down a job by the sounds of it.

I understand why your FIL is now struggling but the family needs to make a plan to support her. That may involve her being in the UK but not in your house!! And yes your DH needs to take responsibility and not dump it in you...

I understood that you meant live-in carework Op.
I don't see how this could work, and has huge potential to be an absolute nightmare, so it would be a 'no' from me too. There are other ways you can offer support without opening your house and sofa to her indefinitely.

It's not about being uncharitable. Funny how the one bandying about this accusation is the one who won't be shouldering the burden here.

Would be a flat out no from me too. It would be completely unfair on you and your kids.
I understand you needing your space, and know how stressful it would be having someone there so much.
Your husband is putting someone else's needs before his immediate family, it's selfish and unfair.

Is she really going to get and keep that kind of job, given her problems and the fact she's a nightmare?

You need to tell your husband that you are equal partners and that he doesn't have the right to override you when he isn't going to be affected by it at all.

I'm always amazed at these blokes from other cultures who always 'work away' 'work crazy hours' 'rarely home' who expect their wives and the rest of their family to basically house and care for every one they want to live with them without doing a jot of work.

My mother came from a culture like this and you know what? As she said, 'We live in the UK now. We don't have to live like that. If you want to (to my father), then you move out,' and she meant it! No way she was going to play donkey to outdated sexist bullshit. She worked FT, too.

The hell I'd let an alcoholic with bipolar disorder even visit on my family.

You took in the niece and that was enough.

He's full of shit, you'll be stuck doing all the donkey work whilst he takes the accolades for being a good son and allowing his father to dump his nightmare sister on you, because it won't be him.

He's already made this plan with his father, hence the so-called holiday.

She won't be able to hold down a job and will wind up fucking up your family and you'll be the bad guy for turning her out.

Fuck that.

OP, she’s an alcoholic, she won’t hold down her live-in job for long. And however rough her life has been, you must protect your children from her — I had parents who also thought it was ok to assume us children were fine with living in what was a halfway house for extended family who weren’t wanted elsewhere, often for very good reasons. It was an incredibly stressful, dysfunctional way to grow up. Our parents chose it, albeit from social pressure, but no one asked us.

The one thing we learned growing up was that we would always be less important than extended family in need. Or ‘extended family they felt guilted into putting up’, for years at a time, people who were unpleasant, abusive and disruptive.

You’ve already moved your children purely for your DN’s benefit. Put them first for a change.

Just don't allow it OP.

Its a no from me.

Will your SIL be able to come to this country? (I assume a 12 hour flight is outside of Europe). Would she require to be sponsored by your DH?

No no no no no. Your DH wants to move an alcoholic into a house with two young kids in it?! No fucking way. If he even remotely suggests again that your are being uncharitable, after you took on his DN as your own, he needs to be told how fucking unreasonable he is being.

she’s had 25 years of chances hasn’t she? If she hasn’t managed to change it’s unlikely she will. I would t want an alcoholic or an alcoholic with bipolar living with me especially not if I had children.

He can send money to her to support her over there.

She holds a British passport. Their mum was from uk and FIL also holds a British passport. She lived here many moons ago.

The only person who has needed a sponsor has been DN.

Culture not that different, still from a white background so not like some Asian countries as mentioned by PP.

Drones - we don't have money to send over!

Aibu to ask for your advice on how to cope?

Yes. You don't need to know how to cope. You need to know how to say NO.

You've already opened your door to one extended family member. You are not running a hostel.

OP YANBU we gave a room to a friend who was an alcoholic, it was really, really hard, in addition to behavioural issues, ended up doing all their cooking, paying for clothes and paying off debts as all their money went on alcohol. It didn't help them - the idea was that they were giving up drinking and getting back on their feet - as they were just further enabled in their addiction by our support. In addition alcoholics tend to be moody and volatile, so everything revolved around them or the atmosphere became unpleasant. If your SIL also has a bipolar condition she should not be drinking on her meds, so that will cause other problems, if she's not taking her meds a whole other set of problems. We did not have young children in the house which would have made things untenable, you do and the situation will be very difficult and likely to be very intimidating for them. I would put the children first and say absolutely not.

It doesn’t sound as if her bipolar is well managed at all. She is going to rule the household with her fluctuating moods and drinking by the sound of it. Very unfair on the family especially the children. Also a no from me.

You will be utterly saddled with her, OP, because you will not TELL your H, 'NO! She does NOT come here even for a visit to stay.' She will not be entitled to any benefits or help. You will be stuck. He is a complete and total arse who has gone behind your back and cooked this up with his dad so the latter can get rid of her and they're not bothered that you are the one doing the donkey work. So you're asking randoms how to prepare to allow an alcoholic with bipolar disorder who is incapable of living independently to live with you and your children. She is a fucking safeguarding issue around your kids.

You need to tell your h no or there's really no help for you or those poor kids subjected to their sexist dad who puts his own cultural ideals ahead of his family.

I don't know how much plainer that can be made to you.

It seems like you've already made sacrifices to help his side of the family. In your niece's case, you helped ungrudgingly, and it has worked out well, but you're not obligated to always give in. Your husband's feelings are no more important or "right" than your own. You deserve to be comfortable in your own home, no matter how "privileged" he feels you've been.

I'd resist, but if you feel you have no choice but to allow her to stay to start with, I'd tell your husband clearly that this has to be a temporary arrangement, no matter how well she behaves. It's his job to help find her alternative accommodations. Also, if she breaks one of your rules (whatever they might be-- no drinking, helping around the house, etc.), she's out.

She's an adult. Does your husband really want to be responsible for housing her for the rest of her life?

Do you think that it would help if your husband spoke to someone who is experienced in dealing with bi polar people with addiction issues OP? If he hears the cold reality from someone other than you he might see it differently. Especially as there are kids in the house also.

Also you will need to be aware that some alcoholics pass out when they are drunk, this can sometimes mean that they leave things on the stove, don't lock up properly and so on...so you will need to be monitoring them constantly which having done it I would say is absolutely exhausting. In addition to which some become not just volatile but actually violent, depending on how alcohol affects them. I also think it would be inappropriate for you sil to be a carer for someone who is vulnerable as it would put them at risk. Obviously alcoholism is a disease which she cannot help having but unless she is sober and taking meds for her MH condition, and has been managing both for some time, sober and stable - at least a year - I would not have her to stay.

The problem you have is if social services find out you have an alcoholic living with your children, they will intervene. Children do talk to teir friends and teachers so things do get passed on and reported. Ask yourself, Is it really worth having your children removed? Say no, she cannot live with the children. They come first.

I would not allow my children to witness anything. I am part of the safeguarding team in my job and believe you me if there was even one incident of drinking she'd be out / I wouldn't hesitate to call police.

SadlyDH well aware of how extreme it can be (more so than me), he has had some rescuing incidents ages ago before I met him.