AIBU - help with SIL as house guest

[notmuchmoretogive]

I need some help with DH's family. Have name changed as this is outing.

Currently live with DH, DD (12), DS (7) and DN (soon 21). DN lost her mum to cancer aged 16, her mum was DH's twin. We became her legal guardians but she stayed with her best friend's family before moving in with us age 18 as she wanted to finish her education in the country DH and his family are from (12 hr flight, so not local). Whilst her mum was ill DH spent over 6 months of the year with them which I encouraged and supported and have no regrets (we didn't have the money for us all to go). After DN moved in with us we realised job prospects and transport links were limited and so rented out our own house (3 beds) and rented (4 beds) that meant DN was able to get a job in local city as good bus route.

Fast forward a few years and now DH's other sister (SIL) wants to get care work here. Working two week stretches with time off in between (don't know how much). She expects certainly some of that time off to stay with us. SIL is an alcoholic with bipolar, she can be wonderful but also tricky. She's been living with her father who told DH it had been a nightmare. In the 18 years I've known her she has never managed to be independent, always relying on a man to support her with sporadic work in between. I could write volumes but this is already lengthy.

Our home life: DH works crazy hours and essentially isn't here during the week and when he is he's working. I work full time at DS's school (term time only), hrs 8-4.30 (including short travel) and am also studying. During the week it is like being a single parent I do everything except walk the dog which DH does. I struggle with change /sharing my space and find it stressful having guests for more than a day or two. DN has recently acquired new boyfriend, I'm delighted as he seems lovely and she's so happy but that is another person in the mix!

DH feels we have to support SIL who is destitute but he's also anxious about how it will play out. He thinks I'm uncharitable being anxious about having her and not wanting it to be too often (the idea of coming home from work to someone other than DH, DN and our children fills me with horror! I know this is my problem and pretty unreasonable).

Aibu to ask for your advice on how to cope? How can I seem charitable but protect myself (I've never had MH issues but can see myself careering over the edge). How do you cope with someone regularly staying on your sofa? What boundaries should I set? I need help on supporting someone with MH but not for sake of mine!

If you read all that thank you and sorry, did not want to drip feed.

Any caring job will be subject to references and police check which can take weeks.
At the very least, I’d ask Fil to stay and support her until this all clears, financially and emotionally.

I feel bloody sorry for whoever ends up with her as their carer.

When I talked about my needs I was encompassing (DCs) too but didn't make that clear

Given that "he knows how extreme it can be" I'd have hoped he'd think of that for himself - especially when you've already done so much. You've already (understandably) had DN ... who has a half sibling who hopes to come ... and now an alcoholic sister who wants the same ... who's travelling with FIL who might well decide he too quite fancies staying

No space you say? Well, you've already moved house for DN's sake - what's to say they won't expect you to do the same again for all the rest?

I'm afraid I'd very much resent your DH's comments about "not understanding" and even more his being kind "to the detriment of you". The chances of SIL not drinking would be non-existent and doubtless DH's insistence on "a chance" would be followed by many more ... so maybe it's time to put your foot down before you find yourself expected to house the entire family

Moving an unstable alcoholic in with your children is a really stupid idea.

It will go wrong, you and your DH get to feel all virtuous and that 'you did your best' and your kids get to pay the price.

Don't. Do. It.

Your children will be at risk, they don't have to witness anything to be damaged. I would very bluntly say this to your husband. He is putting this person before his children, and is seemingly happy to let them be affected by it. I'm afraid I would say if she comes to stay me and the children are off.
You have been more than charitable to his family, enough now.

It is a seriously bad idea.

i think the biggest explanation right now would actually be aside from her(you should say no to btw)is that you sound like your struggling with your own anxiety and mental health concerns luv.
maybe things have pile up and hitting you all now.but you sound really stressed and anxious and a bit overhwlemed with life.
fearing like you say you do in ur op shows someone on the edge and in need of being taken care of,wrapped up and some help with that.
that might mean talking therapy.it might just mean taking every really easily and getting support from your family to feel eased for a while.
so Id say this to him.your concerned about yourself and need support.
looking after someone with mental halth problems and alchohol on top of that.its hard enough when they are your inner family so you have that special bond that can trump that hardship that brings.

I wouldn't do it...

Sounds like a situation with no way out of it.

Imagine... she gets dropped off, starts the job, it doesn't work out...

"We can't make her homeless!"
"If she doesn't have us to stay with she will lose our job!"
"she's lost her job she has to stay with us until she finds a new one"
"she's got no one else here we have to help her"

Yes this is your family taking permanent responsibility for her, as looking at a long-term option for her isn't being considered.

If she does come to your country, and is working, can she get benefits that help with rent?

I've lived with housemates who made me uncomfortable in my home before, it was terrible for my mental health, sounds like you both work hard to look after everyone - that shouldn't be taken for granted. You should be able to feel comfortable where you live, that's not too much to ask in my opinion.

I have Bipolar
Please read up on Bipolar
It's a safeguarding issue, whether witnessed or not, your children will be damaged by that alone, add alcoholism into the mix and your household will implode
My 3 sons have not been in my care for 8 years

My above comment would apply regardless of whether she has mental illness or a drinking problem - she's an adult who you are being asked to take full responsibility for when you already have your own responsibilities. And your husband isn't there... I feel like he should listen to you.

I think it would be crazy and completely irresponsible to move an unpredictable alcoholic into the house, especially when living with her has already been described by another family member as a nightmare. SIL is an adult and you need to put your children and your DN first. She's been through a lot losing her mum at a young, and she needs to be feeling safe and stable and happy and secure. Moving SIL in would make all of you unhappy. It sounds like you're doing SO much for your DHs family and it's selfish of him to expect to move SIL in too. Please don't allow this, for all of your sakes!

The first post nailed it.
I don’t think it is fair on your children or you to move an alcoholic into the house.
This is so irresponsible

You and your husband are happy to put your children and your niece at risk because you havent got the balls to say no.

If you had the balls you would be saying this is a hard line for me.
She cannot move in - if you want to live with her you need to move out.

Also it is COMPLETELY NORMAL to move to the same country as your sibling and get your OWN ACCOMMODATION
I have over 10 aunts and uncles who all came to London and they managed fine living on their own.

This is so unhealthy for everyone involved

Family is everything in many cultures, you don't give up because things are tricky. A months trial (she stays away when caring I think you said) no drinking at all, and don't have temptation lying around.

Btw, some care jobs are permanent live in, my friends gf does that and gets weekends off when family take over, but the lady doesn't need through the night care, just someone to ensure she doesn't escape!

Whoa, no. My brother has the type of carer your SIL is aiming for. I don't think she'd get the job, and if she did she'd be fired very quickly. She would be solely responsible for the care of a very vulnerable person, 24/7, as well as maintaining their home and social/work life. This is not an easy job. It's v well paid because it's hard and has huge responsibilities. The moment he found out about her alcoholism, my brother would be phoning the agency and having her removed from his home. His life quite literally depends on his carer. He couldn't take the risk, and I don't think he agency would either.

Can you support her by renting her a room and paying for it for a certain amount of time? It is an imposition to sleep on the couch in an active family home really, we had somebody do that for three months.

I would honestly say no before she arrives and take the fallout out from that with your dh. The fallout and issues that will come after shes here will be so much more damaging to your marriage and family.

What if she does all of this stuff under the radar so your DH starts developing a blind eye?
What if she makes your DC feel uncomfortable without actually doing anything drastic?
What if she has no where to go? And given your dh 'help no matter what' attitude what would you do then?

She has a proven track record with her own father, why arent you both taking that very seriously.

Your children , family and marriage comes before anything else.
This whole situation sounds like 'its just a matter of time' rather than let's hope for the best.

Don't do this! If SIL even gets a job as a live-in carer (and that's already a big If), how long is she going to last? A month or two before she ends up on your sofa permanently? And what then? I doubt FIL will want her back, so your DH will be pressured to let her stay with you just a bit longer until she finds another job... And before you know it, she'll be a permanent fixture on your sofa because DH will be too 'kind' to turf her out.

BTW, I do not think that your DH is very kind. He is not kind to you or to your children, trying to move a bipolar alcoholic into your home.

For what it's worth, my mother was an alcoholic with a few MH issues. I was lucky that she usually was relatively functional, but growing up with this is nothing I would wish on anyone.

I think you are being totally naive and unrealistic if you think she will control her drinking whilst living with you. You may not see her drink or evidence of her drinking but i can guarantee she will. In terms of being having an understanding of safeguarding, I am not convinced that you do. Firstly it doesnt take an expert to know that moving an alcoholic with bipolar in to an overcrowding situation with children is a huge safeguarding issue. Secondly if you really are charitable people who are concerned about the welfare of others then why on earth are you enabling such an unstable woman to become a live in carer for a vulnerable person. That in itself is a huge safeguarding issue. Does this vulnerable person know that she is an alcoholic with bipolar and do they fully understand the implications of that? I doubt that very much, in which case you and your husband are prepared to put someone else at risk in order to meet your Sil perceived needs. I think you may need a little more training around safeguarding issues OP.

I think this idea is absolutely mental from an emotional, logistical, and practical pov.. your DH wouldn't be around to help, she's no hope of being independent..

Do NOT do this op! Not a test trial, not for an agreed period, not with boundaries or rules... Just NO!

Your DH needs to start prioritizing his immediate family in situations like this, but I feel that (misplaced) obligation/guilt/duty is putting your family's stability and safety at risk here.

You've already stepped up and done far far more than most families could or would do for family!!!

you and your husband are prepared to put someone else at risk in order to meet your Sil perceived needs exactly! The family dynamics here are incredibly fucked up, and I suspect the DH needs help to step back from diving in and saving the SIL at a massive impact to his own wife & kids...

Is the plan for her to come and then apply for jobs? That could take months!! And where would she be staying for that time? Yes, on your sofa! And if she doesnt manage to get a job, what then? She will stay on, on the promise that a job will come up for her ‘soon’.

Also in your OP, you said “She's been living with her father who told DH it had been a nightmare”. In what way? Are her conditions well managed or do they still give her a lot of problems?

It would be a firm no from me.

Family is everything in many cultures, you don't give up because things are tricky. A months trial (she stays away when caring I think you said) no drinking at all, and don't have temptation lying around.

Absolutely NOT. If “Family is everything” then the DH needs to put his immediate family first.

Having your home as her default home cannot work.
And cannot be the facilitating mechanism for her long term job prospects.
Provide temporary accommodation as a guest for a short probationary period, which is clearly stated in advance.
And beyond that she is in her own two feet.
Does she have ANY other contacts, friends etc in this country?