AIBU - help with SIL as house guest

[notmuchmoretogive]

I need some help with DH's family. Have name changed as this is outing.

Currently live with DH, DD (12), DS (7) and DN (soon 21). DN lost her mum to cancer aged 16, her mum was DH's twin. We became her legal guardians but she stayed with her best friend's family before moving in with us age 18 as she wanted to finish her education in the country DH and his family are from (12 hr flight, so not local). Whilst her mum was ill DH spent over 6 months of the year with them which I encouraged and supported and have no regrets (we didn't have the money for us all to go). After DN moved in with us we realised job prospects and transport links were limited and so rented out our own house (3 beds) and rented (4 beds) that meant DN was able to get a job in local city as good bus route.

Fast forward a few years and now DH's other sister (SIL) wants to get care work here. Working two week stretches with time off in between (don't know how much). She expects certainly some of that time off to stay with us. SIL is an alcoholic with bipolar, she can be wonderful but also tricky. She's been living with her father who told DH it had been a nightmare. In the 18 years I've known her she has never managed to be independent, always relying on a man to support her with sporadic work in between. I could write volumes but this is already lengthy.

Our home life: DH works crazy hours and essentially isn't here during the week and when he is he's working. I work full time at DS's school (term time only), hrs 8-4.30 (including short travel) and am also studying. During the week it is like being a single parent I do everything except walk the dog which DH does. I struggle with change /sharing my space and find it stressful having guests for more than a day or two. DN has recently acquired new boyfriend, I'm delighted as he seems lovely and she's so happy but that is another person in the mix!

DH feels we have to support SIL who is destitute but he's also anxious about how it will play out. He thinks I'm uncharitable being anxious about having her and not wanting it to be too often (the idea of coming home from work to someone other than DH, DN and our children fills me with horror! I know this is my problem and pretty unreasonable).

Aibu to ask for your advice on how to cope? How can I seem charitable but protect myself (I've never had MH issues but can see myself careering over the edge). How do you cope with someone regularly staying on your sofa? What boundaries should I set? I need help on supporting someone with MH but not for sake of mine!

If you read all that thank you and sorry, did not want to drip feed.

I'd say that I've done my share of changing my life to help your family (house move, extra person etc)
Now it's your turn, if you're willing to be here when she is to supervise her drinking, behaviour and bipolar. To find somewhere to put all her stuff and cook and do her washing.
Because you presumably do all this for dn.
I'd say no because you have vulnerable children whose life will be changed by this person living at your house.

Tbh I'd be more worried because of your job, if she makes a drunken complaint then that's you possibly out of a job.

No, just no. If your dh insists on helping he should be the caretaker. You have done your part (rightfully) for dn. He can't ask for more.
I think, he cannot accept a no, since he is not the one being impacted. Easy for him.

But since your fil is getting older, suggest to your not so 'd'h, he helps sil set up something permanent just for her.

You are allowed to chose your way of life, you know - don't let your dh bully you.

A female relative of mine was an alcoholic.
She had screaming rows with her children, mood swings, threatened child with violence, Social services involvement....
You've got to protect your children they are your priority.

I can understand why your DH feels he has to help his sister and your FIL has clearly not had it easy but the idea that she will be able to hold down a live in care job (which is often really hard) while remaining sober and stable in her mood is totally over optimistic. Suggestion of a nearby studio with regular invitations to yours sounds the best option. Could your FIL help with spelling things out or is he just looking forward to a rest?

She's out to where? She's not entitled to any help. You're just going to go for this, so best of luck, but it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You can say NO, for the good of your family, but you won't, so let your husband and FIL walk all over your family and best to you when she drinks, not if, when, because she will, your kids witness it (unstable people like this don't select when to go off the rails and wait till kids at school, in bed, etc).

OP I agree a massive safeguarding issue, and if you have her on a temporary basis you will not be able to ask her to leave, as you would be making her homeless, and it's unlikely from the sound of things that your husband would be able to do that. Also when she's not working she will be unsupervised in your house, so a whole other raft of safety issues - you should check you are insured for having her to stay - as well as the fact that she may bring her drinking companions back to the house, take money from wallets to pay for alcohol and so on...It's a very destructive illness both for the sufferer and those living with them. I couldn't cope and have had training in dealing with similar conditions, you will essentially be gaining another very destructive, out of control adult child.

Your DH won't be the one dealing with this, you will. He's well aware of that and how easily you can be bullied. He won't be lifting a finger.

I will talk to DH. I am sure he will be supportive. I understand him wanting to help her. If his biggest fault is to want to help... I can think of worse.

I appreciate all your responses. It has given me some strength to know I'm not being uncharitable.

Your DH has a nerve calling you uncharitable when you've provided a home to his DN for three years!

Has your FIL elaborated on why SIL has "been a nightmare"? In what way? If an up front NO is not an option then I'd demand to review the situation after every one of her stays and have the option to say no more after the very first stay if you find it too difficult. I couldn't think of anything worse than having someone camp out on my sofa.

Saying no absolutely IS an option. How dare your DH tell you otherwise. It is you who will be shouldering this responsibility, not him, so the decision is yours. If he doesn't like it then he can change his career to suit looking after his sister.

Do not take her in OP. You will regret it.

DH has firmly said that stays will be limited as I need to be able to cope

No, OP, stays will be limited as HE needs to be able to cope. So when you talk to him, ask him how he thinks he will do this.

thought if someone had health issues we should help them out and at least give them a chance

I don't think you would be helping her out. Facilitating an alcoholic person with uncontrolled bi-polar to move countries to an unsustainable situation without better planning does not sound beneficial. You'd be helping FiL out, by relieving him of the burden of looking after her. But this "plan" will simply dissolve into you looking after her when she makes a mess of the care work.

Tell your DH it isn't good enough and it needs more thought with a proper plan for your SiL to have a permanent home in this country that isn't yours.

Funny how the wanting to help and be 'charitable' all falls on your shoulders because he's out of the house so much. Seems to always be the case. My dad tried this on with my mother when it came to his family. She made it clear he'd be moving out with them because she wasn't going to do all the donkey work on top of her FT job and parenting. Funny how fast he changed once he realised she wasn't going to do it and didn't feel a jot of guilt for it, either, after watching all the women in her family get worn down by this type of crap.

I would tell your DH that if your SIL can demonstrate a commitment to sobriety and to her MH condition for a year i.e. AA meetings and/or local equivalent, taking her meds, attending counselling, all documented then you will reconsider having her in your home. Also ethically I would be very uncomfortable supporting her to work with people in their homes who may be elderly and frail or have severe disabilities, think of the risk you are enabling her to put them under. I couldn't do that and sleep at night.

FIL and SIL have already left to arrive in 3 weeks. They're visiting but staying elsewhere.

This thread has frightened me.

It shouldn't. It should piss you off. They've already made a plan to dump this ill person who is an addict on you and your family. That's so not on.

Why does she have to leave her live in accommodation on her days off? Why can't she stay there where there is a bed and visit you whenever? I don't get why she has to sofa surf when she has a place to stay? Also, what happens if she loses her job through drinking? Make it clear, this is a no from you due to being a busy working mum and your husband not being there to pick up the strain.

I'd say No, once she's in you won't get her out. She'll have no recourse to any assistance for quite a while when moving to UK even though she has a UK passport. Then resources are stretched and hard to access so it'd be a certain no form me. You have enough on your plate, don't let your Dh talk you into more.

If you're not able to say no in the first place due to the 'uncharitable' concerns how on earth are you going to have the balls to insist she moves out when she breaks the agreement not to drink and you will effectively be putting her on the streets?

Your husband is wholly unreasonable to expect to move his sister in when he won't be shouldering the burden with you due to his busy job.

My DH is exceptionally kind, sometimes to the detriment of me I'll admit but if your greatest fault is to be too kind, it's a reason I fell in love with him too. He comes from a 'we are here for you, no matter what' family which I don't think has worked well for a few family members.

She may be fine when she arrives. However, I will speak to DH about all the what ifs and explain.

I feel quite sick about all the possibilities. I think last time we spoke I talked about 'my' needs but I think I need to talk about our children's needs to him. When I talked about my needs I was encompassing them too but didn't make that clear.

@ineednewshoes because I think DH would turf her out before I did if he thought his children were at risk. Really he is a lovely person who is kind and works too hard.

OP kindness is all well and good but it can be negative if it is at the expense of everything else - and you yourself admit it is to the detriment of you but strangely not him. Wake up to how awful that is

The only person this suits is your FIL. Your DH is not effected that much either

What he is proposing is potentially dangerous for your SIL and is not a good environment for her

Its terrible for your children and your DN

Also, sorry, but I do have the balls. I've already voiced my concerns to DH. But I can see his point. SIL has MH issues but is willing to try New start. Yes she has had serious alcohol issues but I have known her be strong in the past. For years. But like many illnesses it isn't consistent. Not sure what I will find in three weeks...

Jeez OP, I'm with everyone else here - your DH is taking the piss!

I grew up surrounded by varying degrees of alcoholics - seriously don't expose your DC to her, it's not fair on them.