AIBU - help with SIL as house guest

[notmuchmoretogive]

I need some help with DH's family. Have name changed as this is outing.

Currently live with DH, DD (12), DS (7) and DN (soon 21). DN lost her mum to cancer aged 16, her mum was DH's twin. We became her legal guardians but she stayed with her best friend's family before moving in with us age 18 as she wanted to finish her education in the country DH and his family are from (12 hr flight, so not local). Whilst her mum was ill DH spent over 6 months of the year with them which I encouraged and supported and have no regrets (we didn't have the money for us all to go). After DN moved in with us we realised job prospects and transport links were limited and so rented out our own house (3 beds) and rented (4 beds) that meant DN was able to get a job in local city as good bus route.

Fast forward a few years and now DH's other sister (SIL) wants to get care work here. Working two week stretches with time off in between (don't know how much). She expects certainly some of that time off to stay with us. SIL is an alcoholic with bipolar, she can be wonderful but also tricky. She's been living with her father who told DH it had been a nightmare. In the 18 years I've known her she has never managed to be independent, always relying on a man to support her with sporadic work in between. I could write volumes but this is already lengthy.

Our home life: DH works crazy hours and essentially isn't here during the week and when he is he's working. I work full time at DS's school (term time only), hrs 8-4.30 (including short travel) and am also studying. During the week it is like being a single parent I do everything except walk the dog which DH does. I struggle with change /sharing my space and find it stressful having guests for more than a day or two. DN has recently acquired new boyfriend, I'm delighted as he seems lovely and she's so happy but that is another person in the mix!

DH feels we have to support SIL who is destitute but he's also anxious about how it will play out. He thinks I'm uncharitable being anxious about having her and not wanting it to be too often (the idea of coming home from work to someone other than DH, DN and our children fills me with horror! I know this is my problem and pretty unreasonable).

Aibu to ask for your advice on how to cope? How can I seem charitable but protect myself (I've never had MH issues but can see myself careering over the edge). How do you cope with someone regularly staying on your sofa? What boundaries should I set? I need help on supporting someone with MH but not for sake of mine!

If you read all that thank you and sorry, did not want to drip feed.

Active Alcoholics don’t stay in my home. If you are sober, I will consider it.

I also would not have someone staying on the couch for more than a rare night or two.

DH would know not to even ask.

Hosting your niece is entirely different. You have taken on the role of parents helping her to launch properly.

@hopefulagain10 my very cynical side wonders if FIL (who is getting old) wants to turn her over as our responsibility. He's bringing her here on holiday and then leaving her here!

I wouldn't. Why should her mental health trump yours? And once she's there she'll be a bugger to remove. Her own dad has said she was a nightmare. Why would anyone volunteer for that?

Frankly your husband has a nerve. He isn't even there half the time. You would be the one responsible and it sounds as though you have enough on your plate.

Suggest you pay for a downpayment on a rental flat instead. I would avoid her coming to your country, though, as I think she will think that's the way in (and will probably stop paying rent which means she has to be taken in.)

If you don't have a spare room don't do it. You can't have someone camped out on your couch on a permanent basis. That's not fair on any of the family.

If she has a few days every fortnight where she needs a bed she can air B and B?

Don't say "she might be helpful" to your husband. Say "What shall I do if she drinks and I can't cope and you're away out of the country?"

Technically husband is here but carries on working when he gets home, he's in a highly stressful job.

You have taken in your DN, even moved house for her. And prior to that your children were deprived of their Father whilst he spent 6 months with his dying sister in another country. He has a nerve calling you uncharitable and you should tell him so.

Stand your ground, you don't have the room nor the time. As your DH is not around during the week, it's too big an ask. If her own Father says she was a nightmare, why would it be different at your place. Would it really be fair on your children and DN and you. Have you not had a enough upheaval.

If you let her stay, even for a short while, you will struggle to get her to leave.

Tell your bloke that you're delighted that he's going to cut right back on his working hours to manage this situation as obviously he surely doesnt expect you to shoulder it all on your own.

Not having her at all is not an option

Make it an option. Anything else is going to be an absolute nightmare for you and royally unfair on your children.

You can be supportive by sending her an email with care agency recruiters details on, house rental agency websites, adverts for lodgers... but HARD NO on her coming to stay with you. Perhaps different if DH was the person at home doing all the wifework and you were never there, but no, hard NO, nada, your castle, your sanctuary, NOT a place for all waifs and strays just because you helped your niece. Actually, you did a huge thing there, and neither of you owe anybody else the same blood sweat and tears, if you think you do remember you've well and truly done your bit.

I am REEAALLYY precious about my home being my sanctuary. No way would this be happening on my turf.

Sidenote - do you fully understand manic depression, as well as the alcoholism? His dad saying it's a nightmare is a hint.

Sidenote 2: new country, culture, climate, jet lag, home, people is not going to go well with it. OF COURSE she's going to self medicate heavily with drink, and she's not going if you have that as a rule thinking you're going to kick her out if she drinks. Ir sge will need rescuing and you'll have her back because DH can't stand the guilt. 2 weeks on something off, and care work... it's all, 100% a recipe for disaster.

I would offer to help her find a place of her own and to help her organise herself with utilities etc. (but under no circumstances to put any financial backing to it) and for her to be invited to lunch/dinner at the weekend when you're all around but I wouldn't have her stay. You're just finding your feet now as a family and you're getting into routines which is important for your children. They must take precedence now.

Not having her at all is definitely an option. It would mean that your DH decides that his sister is more important than his wife and children, but it definitely is an option.

Honestly her sleeping on the sofa just isn't a long term option. Why are you even thinking it is?

Would be a no from me
She’s an adult
She should be considering rental/flat share etc if she is here to work

Yes you can have her over for a family meal every so often and definitely help her move physically etc but absolutely no way should she be moving in with you

I would not cope at all with someone being in my house long term. It’s my private safe space that I share only with DH and the kids and that would be completely non negotiable for me

Your house is not a hostel for all comers.

Your husband is being selfish and controlling and bullying you into something you aren’t comfortable with (and will affect you much more than it does him)

Say no and don’t be guilt tripped into saying yes

I could grit my teeth and bare it if it was just adults in the house but I don't think I could with kids too. I'd be willing to support her and help her but not staying in my home.

I'd say no because it's your life and your house.

Like other posters, I'm doubtful you'll get away with this because it sounds like one of those cast-iron cultural issues that may be too strong to fight.

If it isn't, then tell DH that moving an alcoholic into your house with 3 DCs is an awful thing to do to them. I think DH will insist on us helping at first (he says I have no idea as I've led a privileged life which is somewhat true).

Well, I do have an idea of what living with an alcoholic is like. It's awful. And if DH does, shame on him for suggesting his DC put up with it too.

I don't think it is a long term solution and DH has firmly said that stays will be limited as I need to be able to cope. But I think not allowing her to come at all? DH thinks that is not ok.

You are being bulldozed into something you don't want.

How dare your husband insist when he is hardly there and it will be you who has to cope with her?

I would definitely not want her living with me.

You already have all your bedrooms occupied. Firstly, it would be awful to have someone sleeping on your sofa. You would need to have rules on when she gets up and goes to bed so that the lounge is available to your immediate family.

Care work is low paid. Would she be paying you to stay there, rent, food etc?

She is an alcoholic with Bipolar disorder who has been a nightmare while living with her DF. No reason to not believe him so she will obviously be a nightmare while living with you.

You are already anxious and you have provided loads of reasons why you shouldn't have her living with you at all.

The family dynamics will change and I just wouldn't do it. Your marriage will suffer as will all other relationships within the household.

Your DC don't need to be around someone who is an alcoholic with MH issues. Why would you even consider inflicting this on them?

If I say no more DH will respect that! What he's not keen on is no initial chance.

No no no no no
Your mental health is important
There is only so much you can take on, and your DN is still with you?
I think you need to go medical. Go to your GP explain the situation and explain it may tip you over the edge, look for support. explain to your DH on health grounds it's not possible for you.
Also please don't underestimate the effect it may have on your children.
I grew up in a family where a difficult family member lived with us and it was not pleasant. My poor mum was so sad and compromised.
Please don't let this happen to you.

Not having her is an option. I lived with my alcoholic XSIL, never again. The tension and disruption were awful, you never knew what you would come home to you could never escape the stress.

No, you don't have the space. You can help find her somewhere to stay, Sunday lunch every week plus maybe a Tuesday dinner so she has company. That's all you should need to do for an adult.

Any other family members he wants to move in?
Why can't she do care work where she is?

Having her to stay isn't charitable, it's lunacy.

Sorry, realised I'm going to massively drip feed, I had not thought this through. The caring would be live in (I know, crazy plan). She would have her off time with us. So sofa every two weeks for not sure how long.

God sorry I wasn't clear. Head is a mess.

Gitfeatures - because labour is horribly cheap where they live and the care wage a pittance.

That doesn't make a difference @notmuchmoretogive, still no. Sounds like an odd system though, could she get something that's live-in all the time?