AIBU - help with SIL as house guest

[notmuchmoretogive]

I need some help with DH's family. Have name changed as this is outing.

Currently live with DH, DD (12), DS (7) and DN (soon 21). DN lost her mum to cancer aged 16, her mum was DH's twin. We became her legal guardians but she stayed with her best friend's family before moving in with us age 18 as she wanted to finish her education in the country DH and his family are from (12 hr flight, so not local). Whilst her mum was ill DH spent over 6 months of the year with them which I encouraged and supported and have no regrets (we didn't have the money for us all to go). After DN moved in with us we realised job prospects and transport links were limited and so rented out our own house (3 beds) and rented (4 beds) that meant DN was able to get a job in local city as good bus route.

Fast forward a few years and now DH's other sister (SIL) wants to get care work here. Working two week stretches with time off in between (don't know how much). She expects certainly some of that time off to stay with us. SIL is an alcoholic with bipolar, she can be wonderful but also tricky. She's been living with her father who told DH it had been a nightmare. In the 18 years I've known her she has never managed to be independent, always relying on a man to support her with sporadic work in between. I could write volumes but this is already lengthy.

Our home life: DH works crazy hours and essentially isn't here during the week and when he is he's working. I work full time at DS's school (term time only), hrs 8-4.30 (including short travel) and am also studying. During the week it is like being a single parent I do everything except walk the dog which DH does. I struggle with change /sharing my space and find it stressful having guests for more than a day or two. DN has recently acquired new boyfriend, I'm delighted as he seems lovely and she's so happy but that is another person in the mix!

DH feels we have to support SIL who is destitute but he's also anxious about how it will play out. He thinks I'm uncharitable being anxious about having her and not wanting it to be too often (the idea of coming home from work to someone other than DH, DN and our children fills me with horror! I know this is my problem and pretty unreasonable).

Aibu to ask for your advice on how to cope? How can I seem charitable but protect myself (I've never had MH issues but can see myself careering over the edge). How do you cope with someone regularly staying on your sofa? What boundaries should I set? I need help on supporting someone with MH but not for sake of mine!

If you read all that thank you and sorry, did not want to drip feed.

Also, sorry, but I do have the balls. I've already voiced my concerns to DH. But I can see his point. I also think he is equally as worried but feels a sense of duty to Allie her a chance (but I know kids at risk = chance blown).

SIL has MH issues but is willing to try New start. Yes she has had serious alcohol issues but I have known her be strong in the past. For years. But like many illnesses it isn't consistent. Not sure what I will find in three weeks...

But you are not the right place for her either - its not right for her.

How much is this your FIL not being able to cope anymore - so how on earth do you think its right?

Fuck that! I would not let her stay. There are cheap B&B or other options.

Why even take the chance? She has somewhere else to go and the ability to do that - your DC and DN don't - its not fair on them to even risk it.

I would be very worried about the implications for your job and your children, if your children witness/talk about things happening at home. Where I volunteer, we are certainly encouraged to report anything, however small, as it could be part of a 'jigsaw' of small things adding up to something larger.

Personally, I really wouldn't risk moving in an active alcoholic with bi polar who is coming from their father's home (in another country) where they are saying it has been difficult and they are potentially palming them off on you. This is certainly not someone who is medicated well, dry and has been successful living with their father. Nor has your FIL been honest and open with you about the issues.

Plus, they're planning on sleeping on your sofa! That will work out brilliantly if they're in the middle of a mental health crisis or sick with alcohol. Of course your husband won't see any of this as he's 'very busy at work', but he's happy for your children to witness it and for you to deal with it.

You should be very concerned.

I would be beyond furious if my DH called me uncharitable for not wanting his alcoholic, bipolar sibling to stay with us for regular varying periods of time when you already have a full house and are struggling to keep it together, ESPECIALLY after having supported his disappearance for 6 months to be with his dying sibling and niece while you held down everything at home (job, house, children) and then welcomed his niece into your home, even moved into a new home so she could succeed, and treated her as one of your own, and now you welcome her boyfriend

Fuck that criticism.

This is your home, and you already have enough on your plate. It's all fine and well for your DH to criticise you when he's not going to do ANY of the heavy lifting involving his sibling when she's there due to his work commitments and constant working when he's actually in the house, but just no.

If you think it's too big an ask, then you have a right to say no as you'll be doing the heavy lifting and you have no down time in your own home as it is.

Do not under any circumstances move an active alcoholic into your children's home. You will be endangering them physically and mentally.

For the sinpke reason that you don't have a spare room to accommodate her then this is not a reasonable or feasible request.

Having a guest on a sofa is doable maybe 3 or 5 times a year but not for a couple of weeks at a time. Assuming you've only one living room that effectively becomes her bedroom and your family then don't have a space to interact or relax and you're all relegated to your bedrooms.

It's not a good precedent at all, this could be the situation for years. Definitely agree aging dad is trying to offload her. But he's her parent, different obligations than a sibling and you've already helped the family out massively by taking the niece.

Time to stand firm.

She's a grown woman, she needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself. Your husband needs to understand this. He should not be expecting you to play hostess for his sister. I would hate this, I don't like people staying overnight. Tell hubby you are not running a hotel.

(but I know kids at risk = chance blown).

The kids are at risk now because of your acquiescence to your in laws cockamamie plan. What you are planning on doing means that they are now at risk but you are going to wait for at least one instance of damage before removing the risk. That's actually really, really awful for them.

Please, please don't do this. My teens were ruined by an alcoholic with bipolar and he didn't even live with us.

Protect your children.

She is an adult and not your husband's responsibility. He has no right to force this situation on you and you will resent him for it.

Also, once she's moved here, how on earth are you going to get her out when things go bad? Is DH really going to make her homeless?

I honestly don't see how she's going to hold down a live-in caring job, so what was a few days/weeks between jobs (if she's lucky) will become permanent.

I am sure that your dh is all fine and dandy with it - but he doesn't get a say because he is never f@&king there!

you don't have the space. You can help find her somewhere to stay, Sunday lunch every week plus maybe a Tuesday dinner so she has company

Seconding this.

I think you need to nip in the bud the idea of this sleeping on the sofa for 2 weeks as bring any kind of plan at all, and then look at what options there are instead to help her out.

It’s not that you’re refusing to help. It’s that you need to offer her a different kind of help.

That is what you need to sell to your DH.

I do honestly think a flat out no at this stage (with the offer of help for a different plan instead) is actually kinder and easier on everyone involved.

I would not allow my children to witness anything.

They don’t need to “witness” anything for this scheme of your husband’s to cause damage. Living with an active alcoholic who also has bipolar will cause tension in your household. If your SIL is staying on the sofa, that changes the dynamic in the home and her unstable moods and alcoholism mean that from one day to the next, none of you will know what you’re walking into when you come home.

You will all start walking on eggshells and that can be extremely damaging to everybody’s mental health.

Your DH is putting his sister before you and your children. That is completely unacceptable. “Sorry, we just don’t have the room but we will do our best to help you find suitable accommodation” is all that needs saying. If your DH won’t prioritise your children and niece then you must.

How can she hold down a live-in carer's job with alcoholism and other mental health issues?

Surely she'd last 5 minutes? And then what?

Could cause difficulties. Big no from me.

Is there some way you could provide support without her moving in? That would be a fair compromise. DH asking too much otherwise

Her moving in puts your children at risk - it's that simple.

What you are planning on doing means that they are now at risk but you are going to wait for at least one instance of damage before removing the risk. That's actually really, really awful for them.

^^This! Why take the risk!

Please don't accept her. However much your DH promises that she will have to leave if it doesn't work out she will be very difficult to remove once she is in. Could you really throw a drunken mental health patient, who has no other links in this country, out ?

And DH needs to make the time to support his sister if you end up offering any sort of support that doesn't involve her living with you. He really can't use the excuse of working all hours, he really doesn't have to, he chooses to. If he wants to support his sister, then he best make time to do it.

I haven't read all the replies but i completely agree with others who say DO NOT let this person stay in your house. There will always be an excuse to stay longer....and you will appear the baddie. I've seen a similiar situation and it was awful....the uncontrollable outbursts which are terrifying....not to mention kids witnessing that. ...arrange temporary accomodion for her, bring her for lunch, help her find her way about....but no sleeping in your house.

OP it's great that your husband has a kind nature it's an underrated quality, but in insisting on this he is being unkind to you, and you are both being unkind to your children. I have friends who grew up with and in proximity to alcoholics, they ALL have had extensive issues with anxiety. It's not just the rages or the potential violence, it's as another poster said the atmosphere, all of which can seem at the time not to be affecting children but can surface later in terms of anxiety disorders of various kinds. It's really not fair on them. If they were all older teens and could discuss this and consent then that's a different matter but they are too young to deal with this.

In addition to which this may impact on your DN's study, is it really worth risking the well-being of an adult, a young woman and two young children for the sake of someone who will not recover until she helps herself? Alcoholics have to want to get better and they have to do the work, you can't do it for them however much you may want to...And if your FIL is saying that your SIL is a nightmare, does it really sound as if she is in recovery/stable/sober? And remember her father is someone she is close to, you are a relative stranger, she is likely to be harder to deal with...I also wouldn't go on how she seems. The alcoholic friend we supported left and came back, seemingly perfectly in control and not drinking but actually was sneaking vodka into other drinks. After a few weeks of best behaviour they fell apart again and it was really gruelling.

Addicts can be adept at manipulating people and putting on a show of control; unless there is material evidence AA chips and so on...you cannot assess their condition from brief social interactions or brief stays.

The thing is that she needs her own place because if it goes tits up with your family and you need to kick her out, where would she go to? It's short-term thinking that she can stay with you. She needs her own base. You and your husband might think you'd kick her out but if it meant she was homeless, I think you'd be encouraged to reconsider.

As for the bipolar condition it's difficult to comment from your post; being diagnosed with a bipolar condition covers a huge range of conditions/issues from very mild issues that are much more of a problem to the sufferer than anyone else to forms that include periods of psychosis, delusions and overlap with schizo-affective disorders. But if they are diagnosed as bipolar they will be prescribed meds but it sounds as if your sil is doing what some people do when they are in denial i.e. self-medicating with alcohol; as most meds do not mix well with alcohol and alcohol is generally not recommended for people who have a bipolar diagnosis this will also cause severe mood and other more serious problems.