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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

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MashedSpud · 20/04/2019 23:54

Usually at the start you’re having tons of sex which then gradually reduces over time. He isn’t going to suddenly want more sex as time goes on.

He lives 20 mins from you but hardly sees you, you rarely have sex (that’s if you have been intimate) and he shows you off to family then drops you off home.

I think he’s gay and using you as a cover for his family.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 23:55

No not any more . We did at the beginning but he’s not too into it so we just don’t now

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PCohle · 20/04/2019 23:58

I think he's asexual. This is absolutely not something that is going to improve with time.

Obviously if you're happy being in an asexual relationship (or want to wait for marriage etc) then that's not a problem. But it doesn't sound like this is a situation you are happy with.

Meandwinealone · 20/04/2019 23:59

I give up op
Spend you life like this

HelloYouTwo · 21/04/2019 00:00

Ok to be honest unless you are both quite young teens then the idea of grown people in a relationship for over 9 months not having sex, at all, should be your biggest flag here. The beginning of a relationship (which you say he thinks has a future) should be largely about your mutual attraction, both physical and mental. It’s how you connect with someone and build a deeper bond. Once you surface from the initia heady exciting honeymoon phase that’s when you build on the groundwork of attraction and start to find out if you can actually live together more permanently - or discover that the cute foibles and habits that didn’t matter to start off with now drive you mad; or that they’re mean with money or a nasty drunk or spend too much time on their hobby or have intolerable friends and family. But without acting on your attraction, discovering your physical compatibility, you have very little to build on for the longer relationship.

Do you spend much time alone together?

What makes you think he’s suddenly going to want to have sex with you if you haven’t already?

When he says there’s a future in this relationship, what does that mean to him and to you? Is it the same thing? Will there be children? You’ll need him to want to have sex with you to achieve that!

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 00:05

We see eachother maybe once twice a week . He rarely staysgo t . We

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Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 00:10

Sorry! We go to family events together than I do not see him for days. We enjoy meals and get on great and then he hgives me excuses why we can’t meet . I want him to to stay over, he has excuses . I want a child so does he . God knows ! He can dtd but hates it so we don’t do it . At present I have sacrificed that for him as I like him so much . He says he loves me

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Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 00:11

We really do get on great

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MashedSpud · 21/04/2019 00:14

If you’re willing to accept a sexless relationship then go for it, it’s your life.

Personally I wouldn’t. There’s more red flags here than a parade in Russia.

LordNibbler · 21/04/2019 00:15

Nothing anyone says here is going to stop you carrying on with this sham of a relationship. I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain from this thread really. He's offering you so little and you're so grateful for the crumbs he throws you. It's quite sad to read actually.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 00:19

I am
So glad that people are reading and help me unravel to tell you the truth. I feel good for typing the truth . It’s been hard to be honest with myself . I hate reading the replies . Sometimes , when twenty people wrote the same responses, you realise that you are the twat . Falling for all of this . But still.. there is something so lovely about him and is as a couple

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Amongstthetallgrass · 21/04/2019 00:20

I think sometimes Greek we can become so desperate we take what’s ever offered. Even though it doesn’t sit well, we still lap it up because it’s atrebtion we crave. I’ve been there.

What’s hard is to turn of that life line and realise it’s not actually the best out come for us.

It’s totally down to you at the end of the day and what your prepared to do to cling on to a relationship - even though deep down somewhere it doesn’t sit right.

HelloYouTwo · 21/04/2019 00:20

It is very unusual for a man to “hate” having sex. Would he seek counselling and be willing to do something about it? You could justify taking things slowly if he were actively seeking help or had a plan, but otherwise this is just a deep friendship, which is lovely, but it’s not going to give you children and ultimately you may decide that giving up on sex was a sacrifice too far for you personally. And it’s a lot for one person to ask of another - to be committed to them but never have sex again! I’d* focus on sorting out where his head’s at re sex and come back to the rest of the staying over / events etc. If he’s not willing to even consider getting help then you have a clear picture of how the relationship will be. Because he’s not suddenly going to start wanting sex when you do go on holiday together.

  • actually I’d dump him and find someone who’s interested in a full relationship, but I’m not you
PCohle · 21/04/2019 00:22

I appreciate you've said you suffer from low self esteem but I genuinely don't understand how you can write these posts and not realise how totally shit this relationship is.

Seeing each other once a week and having a nice time over dinner sounds like you're describing your best mate, not your boyfriend.

No one here is trying to make you feel like a twat, but your relationship with this man isn't lovely. Being in this relationship is preventing you being a better relationship with someone who actually wants to spend time with you and have sex with you.

Amongstthetallgrass · 21/04/2019 00:24

By the way, I got on great with a male friend who I knew was utterly in love with me. I was early twenties, he had a car, I didn’t. He met many of my family. My family also bought him Xmas presents. I shagged him once when I was pissed.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 00:30

I have met and been in relationship with such awful men so he is a revelation . Such a fantastic person in so many ways .

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PCohle · 21/04/2019 00:32

Being a fantastic person doesn't make him a fantastic partner for you though sadly.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 00:32

Absolutely nobody has made me feel like a twat. It’s me who feels like this but my posts are honest and I just needed your thoughts. And I appreciate them

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Erythronium · 21/04/2019 00:33

He says he has then planned with friend already and has various stags and sports events and concerts coming up. I don’t think he is gay but he is quite feminine . There isnt much bedroom action as we simply don’t stay together too much and he is tired a lot from sport and driving.

You've named the problem right here, you just don't want to admit it. You're his beard. Look it up.

MashedSpud · 21/04/2019 00:38

Maybe he has issues with getting or maintaining an erection? What does he say when you discuss why he hates sex?

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 00:41

He says he is not into it . I personally think it repulses him

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BingandFlop2019 · 21/04/2019 00:41

@Horsemenoftheaclopalypse My Dp and I were 1 h 20 apart wirking 50+ hour weeks with 1 hour each way commutes.
*

We saw each other 2-3 time’s a week from about a month after meeting.*

That's not typical though and is quite excessive in the very beginning of an adult relationship. Especially when either/both of you have lives & responsibilities ie: kids etc

It would be highly unreasonable to expect that. Once a week is fine for an overnight or 2 night stay for the first year or two or even 3

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 00:49

Does anyone see anything positive or with a future on this . I know you’re worried about his sexuality but lately I’m more worried about his relationship
With his friend that he works with !

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Erythronium · 21/04/2019 01:10

What sex is his friend? Are they male?

There isn't a future, he doesn't want to spend time with you, he doesn't want to be intimate with you, it sounds like he has fun with other people, not you, going on holiday and to concerts with them. Why are you so desperate to believe this is any good? Don't look to the future, examine the present. It's rubbish.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 01:18

No future with his friend . She is happily married with kids . He thinks she is the bees knees and spends all day at work with her then texts her all evening . Plans concerts and nights out with her . They are good friends he says but you would think she is the queen by the way he talks about her and she is way older than him. But he still writes all gushing compliments to her .

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