Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to let the in laws babysit

88 replies

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:00

I returned to work after maternity with our 3rd baby, the last 9 months my in laws who are 5 minutes away from us have made absolutely no effort to see our children have actually declined a couple offers to spend time with us as a family. But sister in law is with them everyday with her daughter. So we both made the decision that as our youngest hardly knows them and most probably will not settle for them that my sister and mum would look after the kids things have been arranged and work days swapped and sorted to make sure we always have someone for the kids. So Tuesday first day back and suddenly after going to see his mum and her realising she wasn’t being asked to look after the kids other half I’d now insistent that his mum should be having the kids aswell. It’s a massive argument where I am at the point of putting my notice in work which is even annoying as it’s like he is willing to have us as a family struggle to keep his mother who hasn’t bothered happy. He says I’m being unreasonable and only thinking of my side of the family. Anyone else agree he is being an arse ?

OP posts:
Chocolateisfab · 11/04/2019 16:02

Just tell him you are thinking of your dc and it's a shame he isn't.
Would he leave your dc with a virtual stranger? Because that's what she is given her lack of interest.

Provincialbelle · 11/04/2019 16:05

Is he seriously unable to see that his mum has been a lazy arse and is now out of order wanting to be indulged?

MmmmmCheese · 11/04/2019 16:05

Your children don’t know her. She’s made no effort. It would be really irresponsible to leave them with someone they don’t know, they won’t like it.

hopefullyhelpfully · 11/04/2019 16:05

I don't understand. Has his mum ASKED to look after the children or is your husband just insisting? It doesn't sound like his mum would be keen which surely solves the problem....

Original poster
Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:06

I have he even witnessed the other day his mother hold our youngest and she literally turned and tried to lunge out of her arms crying, I know he is totally out of order but I’m extremely pissed off that one word from his mum and he’s backtracked on everything we have agreed on

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:08

I was ya work Tuesday when he went to see his mum and since then he’s started so I’m not Even sure. He just insists that once I leave for work as I start at 7 am and he starts 1pm that he will take the kids to work I’ve warned him I’ll walk out and collect the kids and drop his bags off if he even dared to do me dirty like that but he just can’t see why there is an issue

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:09

He will take the kids to his mums even

OP posts:
Chloemol · 11/04/2019 16:22

Just tell him it’s sorted, the kids will be happy and if his mother wants to help then she have all all the kids on a Saturday morning to give you both time without them. Must admit if I found he had taken the kids and left them with his mother I would be leaving his bags there and ending him back there

Drum2018 · 11/04/2019 16:31

Just to say that if you had them in a creche or picked a childminder/nanny, they wouldn't know them either so the argument of mil being a virtual stranger is not really applicable. They'd get used to her the same way they'd get used to a new childminder.

The issue here is that your Dh is backtracking on your agreement just because his mother has snapped her fingers. Has he always pandered to her? Was he annoyed that his mother didn't show much interest or was it just you? Who minded the older 2 before the baby was born? If it was your mother and sister then it would make sense to send them there.

AuchAyeTheNo · 11/04/2019 16:35

Surely your mum and sister have made arrangements too so they they can help watch the dc’s?

Does DH not realise what a slap in the face it would be to then if he just decides to drop kids at his mums while your side are waiting to have them?

If he’s really desperate for his mum to help then I would do as pp suggested and start her coming round for a Saturday morning and building it up

pictish · 11/04/2019 16:38

I think your mil raised your dh and is capable of looking after a baby. If she doesn’t know your dc well now she certainly will after childminding while you work, even if it was only once a week. Your dc will also soon adapt.
Your dh knows and trusts his mum and it’s not surprising he’d like to see more contact between his kids and his relatives.
What are you worried about in regards to your mil looking after them?

Incywincybitofa · 11/04/2019 16:39

I think the poster above is right tell her she can cover weekend and out of hours childcare

pictish · 11/04/2019 16:40

“Just to say that if you had them in a creche or picked a childminder/nanny, they wouldn't know them either so the argument of mil being a virtual stranger is not really applicable. They'd get used to her the same way they'd get used to a new childminder.”

Exactly. Are you sure you’re just not punishing your mil for not performing like you think a granny should?

BlueMerchant · 11/04/2019 16:42

His mother has obviously got jealous at the mention of your mum and sister being involved in looking after your DC and your partner is obviously easily influenced by his mum and will be worried his 'side' will be left out.
Can you take them to your mum's or sister's before you start work so you know they are definitely there? I know this may be a huge disruption initially but at least you know where they are then?
She can't expect to suddenly have a relationship where child feels comfortable with her and is happy to stay with her when she's rarely bothered with DC. She needs to start to visit DC in their own environment and build up over time to stays at her house.

Original poster
Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:43

The point about crèche workers being strangers is spot on which is why we have never left our children with anyone but family, before baby both my mum sister and his mum would share the childcare but as his mum dropped of the radar which as I explained she had even turned down offers of doing things as a family with us I pointed out that his mum was probably waiting for me to go back to work to be in the kids life again and he I quote said “ well she can fuck right off”.
He has had arguments with his family about how the lack of effort from his family.
yes!! My amazing sister who has 2 children of her own changed her job to nights so she would be available more for helping out (I also help with her children I must add) so you can all see why I am absolutely fuming about how much of an dickhead he is being

OP posts:
Rachelle11 · 11/04/2019 16:45

I'm confused. Do you need childcare? Is everything already arranged with your mom? I don't see the problem in letting your inlaws babysit. They are obviously capable and this is how they will get to know the kids better.

Rachelle11 · 11/04/2019 16:47

Wait, so his mom shared childcare before and now you are cutting her off because she hasn't made a big enough effort with the baby?
You made it sound as though she's always been absent but she did childcare for you. It think you are being very spiteful.

Original poster
Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:48

No punishment I have absolutely no expectations for what a grandparent should be other than consistent for the sake of the kids but why should people go out of there way to help in massive ways for her to get her way after making zero effort the last year. I should also add that our eldest 2 are a bit hesitant about going to his mums as their younger cousin is there everyday and is extremely possessive over his mum and dad and my children have said a couple times they don’t want to go if she is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:51

So you would honestly let someone who has totally dropped your kids since going on maternity leave just jump back in ?? We asked if she would like to go out for breakfast with us in a new cafe a couple months ago and she said oh no I’m not into cafes 24hrs later his sister posts a picture of her with her daughter and his mum having a lovely breakfast. You don’t think that’s spiteful and hurtful another instance where my other half said he wouldn’t ask again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:53

I’m not cutting anyone off

OP posts:
GPatz · 11/04/2019 16:54

Why do some GP think parents should jump and grovel with gratitude should they decided to offer to babysit/childmind? I get on with my MIL fabulously, but I don't always accept her offers to babysit and she never gets upset or unreasonable about this.

KOBr · 11/04/2019 17:01

If MIL hasn't shown much interest, it's probable her new enthusiasm is only temporary and you and the children will be left in a quandary when this could simply be avoided by sticking to reliable plan A

ChicCroissant · 11/04/2019 17:04

So your MIL looked after your older children while you worked, she's had a break while you were on maternity leave? It seems reasonable for her to expect that things would return to normal when you returned to work - and you didn't tell her that this had changed?

That is a really poor way of handling the situation from your side, OP.

RomanyQueen1 · 11/04/2019 17:04

I think the ils should be able to child mind, they raised your dh.
I can see how they might not know the kids, but they are family and should be given the opportunity.
I agree with your dh and think YABU, sorry.

Singlenotsingle · 11/04/2019 17:09

Give it a go! It might work out, in which case it's win/win. If it doesn't, then at least you've tried and can't be criticised for being unreasonable. Your dc might play up, MIL might not be able to cope - who knows? But speak to your own DM and let her know what's going on so that she doesn't feel sidelined.