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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to let the in laws babysit

88 replies

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:00

I returned to work after maternity with our 3rd baby, the last 9 months my in laws who are 5 minutes away from us have made absolutely no effort to see our children have actually declined a couple offers to spend time with us as a family. But sister in law is with them everyday with her daughter. So we both made the decision that as our youngest hardly knows them and most probably will not settle for them that my sister and mum would look after the kids things have been arranged and work days swapped and sorted to make sure we always have someone for the kids. So Tuesday first day back and suddenly after going to see his mum and her realising she wasn’t being asked to look after the kids other half I’d now insistent that his mum should be having the kids aswell. It’s a massive argument where I am at the point of putting my notice in work which is even annoying as it’s like he is willing to have us as a family struggle to keep his mother who hasn’t bothered happy. He says I’m being unreasonable and only thinking of my side of the family. Anyone else agree he is being an arse ?

OP posts:

JassyRadlett · 11/04/2019 18:09

She has to start somewhere, getting to know your baby and you have vetoed that completely.

She could have started any of the times she was invited in the last nine months. She chose not to; she only wants to start entirely on her own terms. OP has not ‘completely vetoed’ her getting to know the baby - she has tried to facilitate it. The MIL only wanted it if OP wasn’t involved, and because she was feeling jealous.

The excuse she doesn't know the baby is a trumped up reason; you really come across as hating her.

I wouldn’t be fond of someone who made it clear she disliked me so much that she was prepared to drop kids she’d previously seen regularly, and pretended to love, like stones to avoid me.

elibee · 11/04/2019 18:11

I think in shoes I would say she can have them over if she makes more of an effort to get to know them over the next 6 months (or whatever amount of time works for you but definitely have a set deadline)

It the lack of effort that would bother me rather than the fact the kids don't know them well.

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 18:13

I have told my partner she needs to get to know little one, I didn’t just say no. But here’s the thing my shift is tomorrow and from what he is saying the kids are just going to his mums if I like it or not no reasoning. No thoughts to my sister who has arranged things so she could watch the kids. Would just like to point out that my MIL has never worked.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 18:17

I think I have to thank you guys this was defiantly just a way for me to rant because I’m not the kind to air mine and my parents arguments to friends and family, but you have definitely made me see things in a different light.... my MIL clearly doesn’t like me I hadn’t even thought of that, in 10 years nothing has been mentioned, no cross words between us, so yeah thanks... I guess 😂

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 11/04/2019 18:17

I am getting the flavour more and more on MN that parents feel very entitled to get help from family with childcare.

The OP is not asking for help with childcare, quite the opposite here.

I wouldn't have left my children with an adult family member who had shown no interest in them until they felt they were missing out on something. There needs to be a relationship there first. Let them build that relationship before reconsidering.

Its also unfair to renege on arrangements made already because someone comes late to the party feeling hard done by.

phoenixrosehere · 11/04/2019 18:22

I don’t think yabu. You and dh have invited her over constantly for months and she has turned you down every time which would mean she hasn’t seen your children in months. That says a lot. If she can’t be arsed to visit after nine months her own grandchildren then she shouldn’t automatically get to care for one grandchild because she has decided it is worth her while. Your family has shown they care and have rearranged their own schedules for your children so of course it is a bit late for mil to try to change it all when she decided she couldn’t be bothered. I do think you should continue with the invitations. If she doesn’t want to be around you for whatever reason that’s on her. They are your children and she should be able to bite the bullet for their sake and her son’s. Your dh should be backing you and should be asking why she has repeatedly turn down spending time with her grandchildren and why she expects to automatically now be included.

My cousin went through something similar with his own mum and he supported his wife. They eventually talked things out after his wife urged him too and things are much better between them.

NoSauce · 11/04/2019 18:24

FWIW I wouldn’t change the childcare plans now OP. Leave them as they are. It does sound like there are some issues between you and your MIL though and if I’m honest it doesn’t sound like they’re all from her side.

You two aren’t the best of friends are you.

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 18:27

I wouldn’t say we are close but there is no issues we get along, it’s only after reading the reply’s I’m like wait she doesn’t like me

OP posts:

Nofunkingworriesmate · 11/04/2019 18:33

Nursery workers are strangers until your kids get to know them please be more sensitive to us folks who have no other choice in childcare
Do you appreciate how lucky you are to have three willing local child care options??
If your mil thought she would bond when you went back to work
Have you Achually had a conversation where you’re told her your having a tantrum because she hasn’t been round?
Has it occurred to you she may have been going through something these past months?

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 18:35

Going through something that means she can spend time with her other grandchild everyday but not our kids ?
That’s a bit unfair dont you think I appreciate the help I get which is why I’m so hesitant to say nah you needn’t of bothered.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 11/04/2019 18:37

Ask yourself honestly OP, are you a teeny bit resentful of the time she spends with SILs DC? Because that is what’s jumping out to me here.

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 18:40

When I think that my kids have been pushed aside because they are there everyday yeah I guess but wouldn’t anyone be. And when I say everyday I mean everyday

OP posts:

NoSauce · 11/04/2019 18:43

Yes I think it would hurt.
Do you know why she would do this? It seems odd that she wants to do childcare now.

phoenixrosehere · 11/04/2019 18:46

She’s not exactly saying mil can’t babysit, she is saying that mil can’t change the plans that have already been put in place when mil hasn’t even tried to see them in almost a year.

If mil can find the time to see her other grandchild, why can’t she do the same with the others, especially when they have tried to set up visits and meals out and she has declined but is being seen going out with her other child and grandchild.

OP, how does your dh feel about it when he sees her spending time with her other grandchild, but not his children. Could he possibly be trying to seek her approval?

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 18:49

He is gutted he has said multiple times over the last 9 months he’s not bothering anymore I have been the one to push to invite his mum even the time when she said no iv got other gd I said bring her along it was still declined. They had a big argument about it before Christmas because he had reached his tipping point with it and he told her how he felt but nothing was improved.

OP posts:

HopefulAgain10 · 11/04/2019 18:59

Why dont you remind him of all those time he has said hes done with her? And of the argument they had before Christmas.
It might make him realise what a coward he is. He would rather put his daughter into a childcare with whom shes not happy just to please his mother. Make him aware of where his priorities are.

phoenixrosehere · 11/04/2019 19:02

Wow. Yeah, yanbu. That’s ridiculous.

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 19:04

I have been but he is at work and it’s through text he just isn’t responding to the texts with my points

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/04/2019 19:18

Hi OP

YANBU to be annoyed. Your family sound like they have made loads of effort to rearrange their lives around your child, apart from anything else, it would be very rude to tell them they are not needed at the last minute.

I dont think the 'I'm not leaving my kids with someone they dont know' argument is going to go dow n well on here as most people, me included, leave their small children in some sort of childcare setting where they have to get to know the carer.

It is very odd she has declined almost all of your invites. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, is it at all possible she assumed she'd be looking after your child so wanted a break before committing to once a week or whatever?

Why has your MiL just offered to help now? Surely she knew you were going back to work before now? Is she offering to help regularly?

In any case I think I'd just explain your sister and mum have made arrangements that are difficult to change for the next couple of months but if she wants to look after them going forward she can come round on weekend etc to get them used to it

Please dont be too hard on your husband though it must be horrible for him to think his own mum isn't interested in his kids and now she has shown a bit of interest he is understandably clinging onto it and doesn't want to say no as he doesn't want to believe its come from a place of jealousy or whatever her reasons are. He is trying to build a relationship between his kids and their grandparent even if he is not going about it the right way

AvengersAssemble · 11/04/2019 19:22

Well I would ask when over the course of the last few years can he point out how much effort have his parents put into seeing their GC? If it concerns him that much perhaps he needs to have the very same discussion with his parents instead of being an arse with you.

RuggerHug · 11/04/2019 19:26

Yanbu. OP, message MIL directly 'Hi MIL, seems to have been some confusion about minding the DCs. DSis and DM have dropped shifts and moved jobs to mind all 3 since you weren't going to anymore. We can't change the plans now, it would be horrible to treat them like that after they've gone to so much effort to be able to mind DCs. We'll stick with the plans as they are, no need for you to stay in for them tomorrow. Take care.'

RuggerHug · 11/04/2019 19:27

Oh and maybe add 'another time maybe'.

aweedropofsancerre · 12/04/2019 09:13

Did you manage to get this resolved?

Whoops75 · 12/04/2019 09:25

When you were on maternity leave would mil would have to spend time with you to see the kids?
If she has your kids is sil at the house too?

would you use her as childcare when you’re not at work, to get bits done?

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 12/04/2019 09:35

Nope, she had always normally asked if kids could go round for a bit but there was nothing and yes sil and her child are always there from early morning till evening

OP posts:

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