AIBU to refuse to let the in laws babysit

[Mummaunicorn]

I returned to work after maternity with our 3rd baby, the last 9 months my in laws who are 5 minutes away from us have made absolutely no effort to see our children have actually declined a couple offers to spend time with us as a family. But sister in law is with them everyday with her daughter. So we both made the decision that as our youngest hardly knows them and most probably will not settle for them that my sister and mum would look after the kids things have been arranged and work days swapped and sorted to make sure we always have someone for the kids. So Tuesday first day back and suddenly after going to see his mum and her realising she wasn’t being asked to look after the kids other half I’d now insistent that his mum should be having the kids aswell. It’s a massive argument where I am at the point of putting my notice in work which is even annoying as it’s like he is willing to have us as a family struggle to keep his mother who hasn’t bothered happy. He says I’m being unreasonable and only thinking of my side of the family. Anyone else agree he is being an arse ?

Why is the sil and her db there all the time? Maybe she's worn out from having them over.
If your mil helped out every week prior to this I would just assume she has stuff going on in her life or that she feels she needed a break or both.

It’s a tough one and you’re one step removed from the family dynamic.

In your position I wouldn’t change my arrangements and tell dh it’s up to him to facilitate mil having a relationship with the children.

Tell your partner to grow the hell up and grow a spine and back you or get the hell out. Do not put up with this nonsense.

His mother couldn't be arsed for months. Months! And he said he wasn't going to cater to it ... until she showed a sudden interest when she realised your family was helping you out ... then flip flopped. Completely not on. Your family has rearranged schedules and lives to help you out, and so have you. You are keeping the arrangments you have all put into place, and he can like it or lump it. But you will not stay with someone who doesn't have your back but lives for mummy's beck and call.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that his mother has treated you all badly and shown no interest in the children, he knows this is true, and the arrangements have been made without her being included because of it. IF she's that desperate (supposedly) to be involved suddenly, you will happily take her up on it for occasional babysitting so you and your partner can go out once in a while.

BUt I wouldn't stand for this or let him change any of it under the described circumstances

You are being massively unreasonable to exclude your husband's side of the family. The decisions you make over this will have lasting repercussions on your children's relationship with their father's family.

As for threatening to leave your husband for letting his mother mind your children? Is that for real?

You obviously expect a lot of help from family - not in my wildest dreams would I let my sister move to a night shift in order to help with my children.

Your sil is mil's daughter. If she shows up every day, your mil is not going to tell her she's not wanted. Did you visit mil during mat leave? Any chance she feels excluded by how much time you spend with your mother and sister? Perhaps she was giving you space during your mat leave but now is happy to help on your return to work?

If you're so against leaving the children with "strangers", have a few settling in days with mil and work from there.

I think you're being a bit precious about your children saying they don't want to go to mil's house sometimes. Most people would get nothing done if they only went to places that their children wanted to go to. There are some days my dc doesn't want to go to nursery but I have to work so I have to leave him with the "strangers" that I know care for him very well.

You may very well find yourself backtracking if night shifts dont work out for your sister. Family helping out is great but when one of them has to arrange something that affects her family dynamics significantly to accommodate yourself then that is imo a step too far. I don't see anything wrong in MIL looking after them for 1 day.

Hmmm I'd be pissed at bh backtracking and completely ignoring your agreement. I'd not be impressed that mil hadn't shown any interest or bothered to get to know baby.
Not interested in baby = fuck you then.
But now interested to look after baby as you're going back to work seems weird. Wonder what the agenda is.

I'd be concerned that her interest might be short lived and leave you in the lurch.

I am not excluding them I just don’t see why I should jump to her demands after things have been put in place.
No I would leave my partner if he let his mother babysit but if however my partner lied to me about where our children were and left my family members on the doorstep after they have gone out of there way to help us, and by doing this would be putting his mum before me then yeah it would be a deal breaker.
You have assumed I spend a lot of time with my mum and sister which isn’t true they come as and when invited which as I have explained is just as much as his mum is but she declines.
Yes we visited and it’s those visits where my eldest children decided they didn’t like going while sil is there with her daughter - told my then 2 year old she would poke her in the eye as she stroked her child’s face and accidentally poked her eye. Shouted at my 6 year old for swinging into her child who wasn’t walking by herself she had in fact walked her child in the path of my daughter swinging on the swing FIL was the person to point this out so it’s not me being precious to my children it’s me not putting my children somewhere they don’t want to go.
And my sister left her job and when deciding her job role to help her own childcare needs (me having her children through the night) she also considered what help we would need as my sister would not allow me to have her children if she wasn’t repaying the favour which as a single parent would leave her in the shit.

*wouldnt

Let mil and her son throw a strop and tantrum.
MIL couldn't be arsed spending any time with you as a family or getting to know the new addition to your family whilst you were on maternity leave - seems to me she only wants the dc to make herself look good.

DP didn't sort anything out regards childcare - that was all on you and your family.
YOU need to appreciate the efforts your family have gone to accomodate your childcare needs so don't back down and bite the hand that feeds you.

Your dc are not toys for mil to bring out when she wants to play 'doting granny' or posessions that she can 'claim' when she feels jealous.

Your dp is the main problem if he thinks he can piss all over you and your family's efforts just because his mum 'said so'.
You need to put your foot down with him.
If he can't support you now then i don't see you having a very happy future together because he will always jump when his mum clicks her fingers.

As for never leaving him....if he decides to take the dc to his mums despite the agreed arrangements then you DO need to rethink this relationship.
If he can do the dirty on you re this then what else is he capable of?

Why is your sil there everyday? Is there more to the story with her?

Tell his mother if she starts to visit regularly so your baby gets to know her you will gladly ask her to pitch in but you felt she has been too busy to see your baby meaning she did not have the time.

We have reached a resolve 🎉 partner has realised his head was up his arse and we have agreed that if his mum spends more time with our children then she is more than welcome to help out but it will not be when she demands, I have also come to the decision that a job where I’m not relying on family for childcare is probably going to be better for us in the long run.

and tell my mum who gave a shift up and my sister who changed her job entirely

I am glad you have reached the resolve of your last post OP. to not rely on family for childcare, it will be much easier in the long run, it really will, the pressure is off everybody. And also children the “excuse” my older children don’t want to go to hers ? I know you might not think it, but they are picking up your feelings about her or her feelings towards you, children are sponges, they rarely make these type of autocratic decisions on their own.