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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to let the in laws babysit

88 replies

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 16:00

I returned to work after maternity with our 3rd baby, the last 9 months my in laws who are 5 minutes away from us have made absolutely no effort to see our children have actually declined a couple offers to spend time with us as a family. But sister in law is with them everyday with her daughter. So we both made the decision that as our youngest hardly knows them and most probably will not settle for them that my sister and mum would look after the kids things have been arranged and work days swapped and sorted to make sure we always have someone for the kids. So Tuesday first day back and suddenly after going to see his mum and her realising she wasn’t being asked to look after the kids other half I’d now insistent that his mum should be having the kids aswell. It’s a massive argument where I am at the point of putting my notice in work which is even annoying as it’s like he is willing to have us as a family struggle to keep his mother who hasn’t bothered happy. He says I’m being unreasonable and only thinking of my side of the family. Anyone else agree he is being an arse ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 17:09

A break ?? Having basically zero to do with my kids for 9 months, also she wasn’t having the kids everyday maybe 3 or 4 hours a week before.
I feel like people have been missing the point of this post yes a big part was I needed to rant but the issue is me and my partner the parents of the children made decisions that were put into place and now at the very last minute he’s changed his mind which will uproot a lot for people who selflessly adapted to help us. It’s not that I do not want my MIL to have nothing to do with my kids !

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 17:11

But why should I have to force my kids to go somewhere they don’t want to go, I can’t stand the thought of leaving my baby crying and unsettled with strangers her older sibling are at school so she would be there on her own for a while

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RomanyQueen1 · 11/04/2019 17:14

OP, you sound like a right user tbh.
Mil was ok to look after the kids before, but now you have your side you don't want her.
I hope your dh does take them to her and calls your bluff, let him find someone who likes his family enough.
Why do you say my kids when it should be our kids, this is so revealing.
I pity your kids, tbh.

HopefulAgain10 · 11/04/2019 17:17

Yanbu op. The crux of it is that your dd doesnt know her well enough to spend lengths of regular time with her. Why should a child be in distress just to please a grown woman??
If she is so desperate to provide childcare then she can make an effort over weekends to get to know her.
She clearly wants to compete with your mother and your dd shouldnt be used to play her games.

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 17:17

My kids when I’m talking to a stranger yes!!
My family have always been involved so it’s not a I don’t need you now situation
😂 have no problems with his family
You clearly didn’t read all the posts

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Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 17:19

Thank you!! It’s not like we haven’t extended the hand to spend sometime where little one is in a comfortable environment and she becomes a familiar person she chose not to and it was even worse that she chose not to because she was spending time with his sisters child

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cliquewhyohwhy · 11/04/2019 17:22

Stick to your guns. People can't pick and chose when they want to be part of someone's lives. You and your family have already worked out a routine with yours and your sisters children so keep at it.

Singlenotsingle · 11/04/2019 17:23

The dc will always find she has to get to know new people - teachers, other kids, etc. But if they don't start getting to know the other dgm now, they may never get to know her. And dh has equal say in this, remember! There isn't a Boss Parent.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 11/04/2019 17:28

YANBU. Your DH was in agreement until MIL stropped and is now putting her wishes first after letting everyone else adjust themselves around. There is a middle ground though, to say you'll consider it if she makes the effort to get to know the youngest first. No effort, no winning her self made babysitting contest.

RomanyQueen1 · 11/04/2019 17:30

I don't think people telling you to stick to their guns are mil's.
It will come to them if they have boys, Karma and that.

It's up to you how you end your marriage OP, I hope your dh sticks to his guns too. Because you clearly don't like your ils and are using the excuse mil hasn't been round when you were on maternity.
Was she able, were your family there a lot.

I'm glad my dil isn't like you. I'm not there half as much as her family but she loves us baby sitting.

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 17:39

Here’s the thing though.... I have no problem with my mother in law yes it’s annoying she hasn’t made effort but there’s no issue between us.
No my family weren’t there a lot they came when they were invited which was just as much as she was in fact we actually went out of our way to suggest days out as we noticed in the beginning she hadn’t been seeing the kids which she declined.
I can already tell you you are a mother in law and have sons as you have automatically assumed i must be the problem despite not having read all the information I have given 🤔

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IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 11/04/2019 17:48

I understand your feelings OP. MIL probably likes having the DC to herself and has been waiting for you to go back to work to have them to herself. My DH is like yours and always wants to keep his mum happy, although he will say no once I’ve explained why I’m not happy with something.

In this instance, I would try to compromise and let MIL do a small amount of childcare - remember it will only benefit your DC to have more people who love them involved in their lives. I would be honest with MIL and say you’re disappointed she hasn’t been around more during your ML and that if she really wants to do some childcare, she’ll have to build up slowly, starting with a few hours here and there as your youngest doesn’t know her. I get that the whole point of family childcare is that it isn’t a huge stress for the child being left with strangers, so MIL needs to build up this bond, as she should have done during your ML. I used to have the ideal situation where my DM did work childcare and thePIL did appointments, nights out etc. Maybe MIL could be involved i that way.

barryfromclareisfit · 11/04/2019 17:51

OP, you are right.

JassyRadlett · 11/04/2019 17:52

It sounds like she’s been pretty shitty to your older kids. They must have been so confused that their grandmother used to see them every week but hasn’t bothered for nine months.

It’s also shit that she only wants to see the kids if she doesn’t have to spend time with you as well.

As she was prepared to put her own wants above the feelings of your older children for so long, I’d be disinclined to give into those wants now. Put your children first by leaving them with people who are prepared to put them first.

LemonTT · 11/04/2019 17:54

Honestly OP you sound like hard work. On this anyway.

There is an issue between you and your ILs. The only living 5 minutes away works both ways. There does appear to be some problem with the time MIl gave to her daughter and other grandchild. But in light of the support she gave you over a number of years, she obviously does want to help all her family. Hardly the crime of the century.

There is no big issue with the baby getting used to her GPs any more than if she went to a nursery or childminder.

As to throwing in your job because you now have too much childcare well that’s an insult to people who can’t even afford any in the first place.

Confusedbeetle · 11/04/2019 18:00

I am confused. Did she look after your children before? If so have you told her she is no longer needed? Does she even want to childmind?
Sounds like she has a lucky escape

julensaor · 11/04/2019 18:01

It does sound like she doesn't like being around you. It does sound like you are punishing her and 'handing in your notice, walking out, packing his bags' makes you sound like a nightmare to deal with. She has to start somewhere, getting to know your baby and you have vetoed that completely. The excuse she doesn't know the baby is a trumped up reason; you really come across as hating her.

User457990033gYpovd7 · 11/04/2019 18:04

"the last 9 months the in laws who are 5 minutes away from us have made absolutely no effort to see our children have actually declined couple of offers to spend time with us as a family."

For 9 months they haven't been interested in seeing the children. OP and her DH (very reasonably) decided that as a result of this that DH's DM would not undertake childcare when OP returned to work.

It's only on hearing that OP's family will be childminding when OP returns to work that MIL wants to look after DC.

I think OP is quite right. Her family have re-arranged their lives to undertake the childcare. Her DH is now reneging on their agreement. I would be furious with him.

user1487194234 · 11/04/2019 18:05

They are his kids too and if he wants his mother to look after them I cannot see how you can reasonably refuse

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 18:05

I’m am stubborn yes which does make it harder for me to turn round and tell my mum who gave a shift up and my sister who changed her job entirely to help us that they needn’t have bothered because my partner has changed his mind at the very last minute

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Confusedbeetle · 11/04/2019 18:06

I am getting the flavour more and more on MN that parents feel very entitled to get help from family with childcare. I wonder if when you retire you will want to do it? However much you love your grandchildren, being free childcare is not always what you want, and sometimes you may not even want to see them all the time. Many of us do it just to help out. Luckily all my children and in laws take nothing for granted and are grateful for any help given, no conditions, no expectations.. How much help did your MIL get?

BertrandRussell · 11/04/2019 18:07

Tell him to tell his mother that if she wants to build up a relationship with the children over the next 6 months by visiting you as a family and inviting you as a family, then there might be a possibility of babysitting.(when both parents WOH you cannot have too many on call babysitters) If not,not.

Namenic · 11/04/2019 18:08

Agree with @ihopeuunderstand - never turn down help with kids from safe, reliable people. But build up gradually is good idea.

Confusedbeetle · 11/04/2019 18:08

I 'd like to hear MIl views.

Original poster

Mummaunicorn · 11/04/2019 18:08

Can people please read the information I have given before commenting that I’m trumped up.
What about the “excuse” my older children don’t want to go to hers ?

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