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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dating situation

186 replies

Chrissi314 · 11/04/2019 14:39

On Tue i went on the date with a guy. We sat on the date for three hrs.
Paid for everything during the date, I also offered to pay he didnt accept.
After three hrs asked if we could leave as it was getting late (11 pm) and i had late wake up. ( i think 3 hrs date is also too long, save something for next time if any).

He insisted to get me a cab home which i found very gentlemanly. The cab would be late to arrive but the bus stop was near the pub so i thanked him for that but it was 5 mins anyway to home. So he asked if i had a good night and i said i enjoyed a lot which was true.

He asked me if i want to go out again with him i said sure of course i would love to meet again and he said that i dont sound too confident about it. I said that i really had a great night and i made sure i wrote that on text too that i would love to meet again and i thanked him for the good time. He and i talked about places we could go next time. On text, he said he wished i went into the cab. I again thanked him but anyway the bus came there and then.

So he repeated on text he had a good night and speak soon with a kissing emoji.

The guy has a kid and is 37. The kid lives with his mum. He told me that he is single 8.months now and the last relationship was with his baby mama, but they are over two years now in reality.

I asked him if he is sure he is really over because at the end of the day he is tied with her for the kid and 8 months isnt really a long time anyway. He said he is really over and they talk strictly for the kid and if he wouldn't have to talk he wouldn't. I found that a bit exaggerated tbh. I told him the only reason i am asking is because this is online and a lot of people may lie about stuff. He said he wouldn't lie as he had this experience before being lied too from online so he wouldn't do it.

Just to note here he first started asking personal questions about my situation, dating history and stuff. I told him i had married at 25 for 2 years and then divorced. Im now 32. No kids.

He also told me his baby mama is not a good mum and selfish. I take this all with a pinch of salt tbh.

Another thing that striked me, is that this guy with another guy that had contacted me on the dating site, had extreme similarities. They told me the same things about their life, same area same situation they both told me they gonna move house, both kids the same age, also same chatlines. If this isnt a diabolical coincidence, i would think that these two are related somehow.

The other guy that I am talking about, asked to talk on the phone and he asked me out on the phone call where we said we can meet before i leave on holiday. After the call he never asked me out.

Now it is Thursday and he the guy i dated on Tue, didnt follow up for another date...

OP posts:
Gravelface · 12/04/2019 12:59

I'm completely baffled but wouldn't go anywhere near a bloke that slagged off the mother of his kids.

Giggling at the poster who was as bemused as me about the amount of taxi related content..

Original poster
Chrissi314 · 12/04/2019 13:47

I honestly dont know what you dont understand here.

The guy at the end texted me yesterday and today in a flirty mood, but the initial mystery about the two men with the same life story remains.

I have now an additional reason to believe they are related because i saw their kids together in a picture that he posted on whats app

OP posts:
TheRoadBeneathMyFeet · 12/04/2019 15:27

How do you know that the girl in the picture was his?

TheRoadBeneathMyFeet · 12/04/2019 15:28

I am strangely invested in this 😁

Lovestonap · 12/04/2019 15:39

I think you need to walk away OP, for the sake of my sanity if not your own....... 😂

flabbythighs · 12/04/2019 15:42

Can you find them both on social media and see if there are photos of them together , or if they are " friends" ?
Are you going on more dates ?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/04/2019 15:53

You went on one date and liked the guy enough to tell him you want to see him again but not enough to bite the bullet and send a 'fancy a coffee' text?

You're concerned that phone call man and date man know each other - you met on an online dating site, I'd say it's something you could have general conversation about if you ever do send that 'fancy a coffee' text. If they know each other and he's genuine you'll be able to laugh about it.

You're concerned he still has feelings for his ex despite them being separated for 8m now. She's always going to be in his life so if that's a problem for you, don't send the 'fancy a coffee' text.

He's now texting again but you're still wrapped up in them knowing each other/him pining after his ex. You've had one date - you sound a little too invested for such early days. You're either going to have to give him a chance or walk away.

And yes, at 32 'baby mama' is unacceptable and disrespectful to your fellow women.

pudding21 · 12/04/2019 15:56

Odd thread.

"Baby mamma" and " The child" ???????

Two men that could or could not be related.

I think I understand. You talked and met one guy. In the meantime you also messaged and talked to another guy and there were similarities. New whatts app picture looks like Man No 1 and Man No 2's children are both in the same picture. You are worried they know each other/are related and have been talking (have you been rumbled for chatting to two men at the same time??? The horror). You are now wondering if you have messed things up with Man No 1 and 2? Or could No 1 and No 2 be indeed the same man and he is pulling some weird fuckery on you?
Is that Correct?

bagpiss · 12/04/2019 15:58

Well why can't you don't say to 'date guy' , "hey weird thing, before you met him, you saw an image from someone elsethat was similar to his and wondered if they we're related? "

bagpiss · 12/04/2019 15:59

'Just' say to date guy , i meant

Original poster
Chrissi314 · 12/04/2019 16:09

Well if he asks to meet me i will bring this up subtly.

Of course i dont expect to admit anything, if he was up to some testing prior to our date

OP posts:
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 12/04/2019 16:23

Why would them having the same life story mean they are related?!?!?!? You're making no sense!!!!

Guardsman18 · 12/04/2019 16:51

Am I right in saying Chrissi that you think they're playing silly buggers?

I get what you're posting (I'm an old fart so could be wrong!) It sounds like it to me too to be honest.

Ellisandra · 12/04/2019 16:54

Forget the fucking photo of the kids Hmm

Why do you want to date a man who can’t go 3 hours on a first date without bitching about his ex?

Is he that dull that he has nothing else to say?

Why are your standards so bloody low?!!!!

Original poster
Chrissi314 · 12/04/2019 17:04

Well the thing is he started first to ask me personal questions about my dating history etc.

So of course, when it was my turn to ask personal questions, i asked about his situation. Otherwise we chatted about a lot of other things.

That said, despite the child lives with his mum, I havent dated a single dad before and i would question the time he can practically devote to date me.

Now the fact that he may be more mature and responsible by a completely single child free man around my age group it may be a pro.

Simply i cant tell at this stage as i dont know the guy obviously and the relationship with his ex.

But yes, he did make a lot of effort on the first date.

In the meantime I will continue possibly looking for other people too.

OP posts:
DointItForTheKids · 12/04/2019 17:17

Lovestonap jeez you and me both.

"I honestly don't know what you don't understand here"

What we don't understand OP:

  1. What you're talking about (in general)
  2. Why are you considering seeing this person again when you have referred (yourself) to numerous red flags/confusing matters that made you unsure/suspicious
And:
  1. Why now have you applied three WHOLE DAYS of over-analysing this one, single, first date despite all the comments and advice saying that you were applying way way way too much over-analysis to the whole matter??!!
Original poster
Chrissi314 · 12/04/2019 17:21

You may not understand, but other readers of this thread have understood what i am talking about.

So please do not generalise.

After all, you are not obliged to respond here.

Yes well as I said he made genuinely a lot of effort for our date which i appreciate. So maybe for that I would want to meet again.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 12/04/2019 17:30

Bloody hell, you need to stop dating until you get a bit more “mature and responsible” yourself.

Why on earth do you think a man with a child is going to be more mature and responsible?

That’s just ridiculous.

I dare you to start a new thread “AIBU to think that ‘baby daddies’ are more mature and responsible than men without children? Please share your experiences”.

Or shortcut, go read the first 10 threads on the Relationships board Hmm

You really need a reality check about men.

Some baby daddies are actually less responsible because they dump their sperm willy nilly without first waiting to find out if the woman is “bad and selfish”.

Ellisandra · 12/04/2019 17:31

And all this about how he made such an effort on the date.
All you’ve actually said is that he paid.
That’s not making an effort.

Original poster
Chrissi314 · 12/04/2019 17:35

well from the perspective they are able to take care of a child and they have done that they develop for sure other skills.

Anyway, if he asks me out again and I see him I will ask him about this situation.

Im still on the filtering process for potential dates, so i am aware that this can be hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Chrissi314 · 12/04/2019 17:36

He paid, he wanted to get me on a cab home etc.

That is classed as effort for me.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 12/04/2019 17:36

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Have you actually READ anything on Mumsnet? Do you speak to anyone in real life? Some parents (fathers and mothers) are SHIT.

You just sound very naïve.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 12/04/2019 17:37

Are you going to answer the question as to why you think two men with parallel life stories must be related?

Ellisandra · 12/04/2019 17:42

You have been on some crap dates if you think making an effort is paying and calling a cab.

What I read, is that he insisted on paying - so therefore over ruled your intentions to share cost. Then he was pushy about a cab when you wanted to get the bus, even following it up with a text over ruling your decision to get a bus saying you should have done what he said with the cab. And he made you feel uncomfortable when he pushed you about saying you didn’t sound confident about meeting again.

That last thing was a pretty manipulative move really. To push a stranger on their feelings when they’re out with you and vulnerable / likely to avoid awkwardness? (and frankly, as a woman, sometimes danger - we all know sometimes it’s safer to nod and smile and say it was great - then get the hell out of there, than risk saying to a stranger’s face - no, you’re not for me)

He manipulated you into saying yes you WERE confident you wanted to see him again. And of course, once you’ve said that, many women are socially conditioned to go through with it.

Making an “effort” would have been to note your reticence and say NOTHING.

Original poster
Chrissi314 · 12/04/2019 17:49

Well I genuinely enjoyed out date and he seemed to want to know me as a person too.

I mean i believe we had chemistry. I understand we all have a passed, I myself got married and divorced, but still i dont know the full details about his situation etc.

Also every person is different. Maybe he wanted me to reciprocate interest as he liked me.

I dont think his intentions were bad per se or manipulative.

A lot of guys are immature i agree kids or not, married or not.

But I have never done this before, i mean dating a single dad.

Now for the situation on the dating site with him and the other man, it may have been an attempt to check me out.

Not that this is . aa very mature thing to do btw.

OP posts:
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