Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect help from SAH Dad when I get in from work?

173 replies

Bananas2018 · 11/04/2019 12:09

So this is my first post - apologies I haven't got my head around the abbreviations yet ><

A little background information - I am a step-mum. Dad has full time care of his daughter who has just turned 5 - he is a stay at home parent. She sees her mum at the weekends.

We have moved into a new flat together at the beginning of the year after almost 2 years together. Up until last week, daughter was in nursery 3 days a week. It’s the holiday's now and she starts full time infant school on the 24th April.

I commute into London every day. Leave the house at 7:30am and get back around 6:30/7pm.

I am currently experiencing very bad PMDD. Hence I am asking you lovely lot if it's me being crazy and hormonal, or if I am actually being reasonable in what I am asking.

Last night, after a couple of really shitty days at work (and at home) I got home around 7pm, ready to start the dinner. This is pretty much the same routine every night. Since we've lived together, he has cooked dinner twice - but only because I asked. He 'can't' cook. So he was following my step by step instructions. But the two meals turned out well. So in my opinion, he is able to. He just doesn't want to.

Dad was still playing games in the front room with daughter when I started doing dinner. He came into the kitchen and gave her sweets (cos that’s sensible before bed!) and then continued to mess around in the front room.

So in a bit of a huff I shut the kitchen door. We then had a bit of a disagreement about me shutting the door, and I left the flat - I just wanted to cry.

I was sat in my car and messaged him saying am I really being that unreasonable to expect some help when I get in from work? He is up playing with daughter from half 6 in the morning, all throughout the day, he even had time for an hour and a half nap! So I do think it's fair that he helps out when I get back from work.

His response was and I quote ''if I want to play with her until 8pm then that is what I will do... if you're feeling like that, the simple answer is don't start dinner until I have put her in bed. If you're hungry get something small to eat until the point I can help''.

It takes a long time for her to settle, usually after brushing teeth and having a story it takes about half an hour for her to be asleep. So if I did wait until ‘he was ready’ we wouldn’t be eating until gone 9pm which is far too late for me.

I don’t know where I stand really.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 11/04/2019 12:19

YANBU. From my perspective he’s being lazy and thoughtless. I would be expecting him to cook the dinner at least half the time. The way he speaks to you is something else!

Chloemol · 11/04/2019 12:20

If I were you I would leave him to it. Just cook the meal you want and eat it and leave him to sort himself out. He is being very unreasonable to expect you to wait for him and eat so late

SallyWD · 11/04/2019 12:23

I've been a stay at home mum and was always happy to cook and do chores as my husband works long hours in a very stressful job. I do think your husband should pull his finger out!

Weebitawks · 11/04/2019 12:23

What does his daughter eat? I take it she's not eating dinner with you later on so he can obviously muddle some food together ?

ShanghaiDiva · 11/04/2019 12:24

I would expect him to have something ready for you when you come in. Presumably he cooked for your daughter so why is there nothing left for you? Also at five years old his dd is able to help with preparation for dinner - I know my two loved to help at that age.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/04/2019 12:24

Has his DD already been fed by this point? Is he eating with her or waiting for you to cook his dinner? In your shoes I would just cook for myself.

I also don’t understand why he is keeping his DD up so late playing and eating sweets. Why isn’t he getting her settled for by by 7 or at latest 8pm?

Really no reason why he can’t prep dinner for the two of you.

Chamomileteaplease · 11/04/2019 12:29

No wonder she takes a while to settle, he obviously has no idea how to have a winding down period before bed, plus it sounds far too late for a 5 year old.

He also sounds horrible. I would say if you get in at 7pm+ then he should have something ready for you, every night!

Was he horrible before you moved in? Can you move out?!!

MrsPerfect12 · 11/04/2019 12:29

It depends, is he doing all the housework and other chores,shopping, bins garden, cars washed? If he is then you doing dinner is not a big ask. If not then you need to split chores
I am a SAHP and I do the housework/shopping/cooking when my DH comes home from work he does the bedtime routine which you aren't.
Your DP could certainly manage to put the oven on and put in some freezer food or an already prepared chicken / veg. Asking him to cook from scratch is maybe too big a step if he's never cooked.

Cherrysoup · 11/04/2019 12:30

What’s he doing the 3 days she’s been at nursery? Do you do all the housework/chores?

PumpkinPie2016 · 11/04/2019 12:35

YANBU - he needs to help you with dinner or get it prepped so you can just finish off.

What does the child eat? Is it not possible, at least a couple of times a week for him to make something like bolognaise so that she can eat at earlier and then you just warm it up later?

Or can you have a substantial lunch and then something like soup/sandwhich for tea? Again even just a couple of days a week.

Mari50 · 11/04/2019 12:38

I don’t often say this but I’d be condsidering ending the relationship. What on earth are you getting from it? It’s not even your child that he’s staying home to look at. How did he support himself before you came along? If this was a man posting I’d say the same btw. I’ve made some comments about MN bias towards women in my last few posts but I don’t understand how people end up in these situations.
At the very least he should be preparing meals every other day for you both. I thought children went to school the term after their 4th birthday down south.....

Original poster
Bananas2018 · 11/04/2019 12:38

So her normal routine would be back from nursery around 4pm. He does her dinner for about 5/half 5.

If I've cooked a meal she will eat, I will plate her up a dinner the night before so she has it the next day, then I'd have some home cooked meals in the freezer for him to defrost for her, or he will put something together for her himself.

He probably eats a little something with her, or finishes off her dinner, I assume anyway as I'm not there. But generally we eat together in the evening after she is in bed.

I do most of our shopping online, or we both go out at the weekends to get other bits. When she was at nursery he did pop into Aldi on route to grab bits we need if I asked.

Generally the chores are done at the weekend when DD is at her mums. He isn't chore shy by any means, but generally apart from the odd washing load, nothing else gets done during the week.

Don't get me wrong, he doesn't refuse to do things if I'm at work and I've asked for him putting the oven on for eg, it's just last night, what he said to me upset me and made me feel like I am being a witch by asking him to stop play time and come and help me!

(He's not my husband, and she is his daughter, not mine)

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2019 12:38

Feeding her sweets and playing right up until bedtime? No wonder she takes a long time to settle.

He should be making dinner 50% of the time.

HulksPurplePanties · 11/04/2019 12:38

I'm assuming that he does all of the housework while you are at work? In which case, I don't think he is BU to expect you to make dinner.

My DH is a SAHD, he does all the housework, school runs, errands. I make dinner and do bath time (and fold the laundry, drew the short end of the straw for that one Angry). Fairs, fair.

Mari50 · 11/04/2019 12:39

Sorry missed the bit about school after 24th april

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2019 12:40

He does her dinner for about 5/half 5.

Of something YOU made the night before. Sorry, but he's really taking the piss.

but generally apart from the odd washing load, nothing else gets done during the week

So what the fuck is he doing while she's at nursery?

Another red flag for a lazy git.

BeanTownNancy · 11/04/2019 12:42

Cook for yourself and eat it. Leave him to eat later if he doesn't want to help.

IMO though, you should all be sitting down to dinner together when you get in at 7. There's no reason he can't be cooking with his 5yo daughter so you can all eat as a family. Then you can clean up while he does bedtime for her, and you both can sit down and relax for the evening after that.

HulksPurplePanties · 11/04/2019 12:45

Generally the chores are done at the weekend when DD is at her mums. He isn't chore shy by any means, but generally apart from the odd washing load, nothing else gets done during the week.

In that case he needs to get off his lazy arse and help you with dinner, or do the cooking entirely himself.

Amongstthetallgrass · 11/04/2019 12:45

Buy a slow cooker and tell him to Chuck easy meals in so when you get back you can all eat together. Tell him it will be a good activity to do with his dd.

My Dh has a really bad habit of coming home from work with sweets for the kids we argue about it all the time Angry

rudewordsaretheshit · 11/04/2019 12:47

Didn't the post about the lazy sahm start with a variation of "first post, don't know the abbreviations" too? Is someone trying to prove some kind of mn sexism here?

chocatoo · 11/04/2019 12:48

He sounds lazy. I think he should be doing the lions share of shopping, laundry, other chores whilst DD is at nursery. You should probably share the cooking 50/50. I would be v pissed off with his response. Is he contributing financially to your set up?

FFSFFSFFS · 11/04/2019 12:48

You're being very unreasonable to describe it as him "helping you".

It is not your job to cook dinner which he would be "helping you to do".

It is the responsibility of both you which should be allocated in a fair manner.

In this instance, I think it is fair that he cooks dinner instead of having an hour and a half nap.

Unless he has a disability - of course he can cook. He's just too lazy too.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2019 12:49

Why is she at nursery and not at school?

Whichever, it's too late for bed.

I'm not seeing the point of this relationship, do you do everything at the weekend too?

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 11/04/2019 12:49

I'd never have agreed to this arrangement in the first place. He's a lazy cocklodger. Jesus wept! He landed on his feet with you, muggins! He'd be looking for a new place to live shortly.

Chamomileteaplease · 11/04/2019 12:50

Yes it all sounds crazy!

You say he isn't chore shy but in the same sentence say that he doesn't do anything in the week!

How can you put up with this? You work OOTH, quite long hours and he does bugger all?

Does he contribute financially at least?

He sounds horrible. As a PP said, he could cook with the child save some for you. He should want to do that for you, as a kind gesture.