AIBU to expect help from SAH Dad when I get in from work?

[Bananas2018]

So this is my first post - apologies I haven't got my head around the abbreviations yet ><

A little background information - I am a step-mum. Dad has full time care of his daughter who has just turned 5 - he is a stay at home parent. She sees her mum at the weekends.

We have moved into a new flat together at the beginning of the year after almost 2 years together. Up until last week, daughter was in nursery 3 days a week. It’s the holiday's now and she starts full time infant school on the 24th April.

I commute into London every day. Leave the house at 7:30am and get back around 6:30/7pm.

I am currently experiencing very bad PMDD. Hence I am asking you lovely lot if it's me being crazy and hormonal, or if I am actually being reasonable in what I am asking.

Last night, after a couple of really shitty days at work (and at home) I got home around 7pm, ready to start the dinner. This is pretty much the same routine every night. Since we've lived together, he has cooked dinner twice - but only because I asked. He 'can't' cook. So he was following my step by step instructions. But the two meals turned out well. So in my opinion, he is able to. He just doesn't want to.

Dad was still playing games in the front room with daughter when I started doing dinner. He came into the kitchen and gave her sweets (cos that’s sensible before bed!) and then continued to mess around in the front room.

So in a bit of a huff I shut the kitchen door. We then had a bit of a disagreement about me shutting the door, and I left the flat - I just wanted to cry.

I was sat in my car and messaged him saying am I really being that unreasonable to expect some help when I get in from work? He is up playing with daughter from half 6 in the morning, all throughout the day, he even had time for an hour and a half nap! So I do think it's fair that he helps out when I get back from work.

His response was and I quote ''if I want to play with her until 8pm then that is what I will do... if you're feeling like that, the simple answer is don't start dinner until I have put her in bed. If you're hungry get something small to eat until the point I can help''.

It takes a long time for her to settle, usually after brushing teeth and having a story it takes about half an hour for her to be asleep. So if I did wait until ‘he was ready’ we wouldn’t be eating until gone 9pm which is far too late for me.

I don’t know where I stand really.

Who pays the bills?

And rent?

He should be cooking dinner and you all eat together, she's not a baby

Hi @Bananas, please read what @WhereYouLeftIt has written. She's nailed it.

He is alway, always going to put everyone's needs ahead of yours.
Moving in together ,should be an exciting , loved up time, not what you have now.
Look at your parents, do they act this way.
I think eat at lunch,tell him you can have a Sandwich as suggested in the evening , maybe on the way home, then snack together for supper. This means he will have to cook twice for himself and his child...
I would also stop grocery shopping for him.... He has time during the day....
Tell him you are eating too late, hence the change ...

But now that's reversed and I am the unreasonable one expecting him to want to help me when I've been so hard to live with

Pulling his weight in your shared household is not "helping you" if it is helping you, it's implying that house work is your job not his or both of yours

Nanny CSA is the term AFTER the 5th birthday so if she is just 5, she can start next term.

I should also note that since we have moved in, I have been stressed, depressed, upset, emotional, irrational, and I guess I have been putting a lot of strain on him emotionally, perhaps that's why he responded that way?

The reason you are feeling this way^ is because you need help and support after as long day.

I have only worked PT, largely from home, since my Dcs were born as my DH works long hours and travels a lot for business.

I always ensure he has a meal when he arrives home, although he is quite capable of cooking, l have been at home and so can make a meal.
I do ALL housework/maintenance/gardening/admin/pick ups/drop offs/ school runs/ food shopping/financial admin etc and have always done with 2 Dcs 16 months apart
.I have never expected DH to get up in the night as he has to be effective at work the following day. Unless it is a weekend.

If our roles were reversed and l was working as long hours, like my DH, l would expect the same from him, it would only be fair.

At the weekends we swop hobbies time , ie he may go to the gym for a couple of hours, then l will go to a yoga class, whilst he is home.

I also look after my very elderly parents affairs, as they are not capable.

Sadly you are being taken for a mug op, all the excuses he gives are the things we all just get on with.
Once he is working full time you should be splitting ALL the chores equally. Be careful as he may not change and this may not be a road you want to continue down..

With the exception of a new born or a child with significant special needs the SAHP of whatever sex, should be making 100% of the evening meals.
FFS if he really can’t cook he could buy a slow cooker and bung the stuff in early morning - but he would have to plan and take responsibility for it and I bet he wouldn’t.
I don’t think it’s going to bode well for him getting a FT job and all the logistics and planning that will include.

Why are you doing this? I'd be telling my daughter to run for the hills in that situation.

I'd inform him the party's over and tell him he can fuck off, taking advantage and using you like that.

I have almost exactly the same schedule as you (commute to London, leave at 6am ish, home by 7/7:30pm). Except my dh also works FT and we have 2 dc.

My dh does the school run, cleans up the house, puts the dishwasher on, cooks, serves and cleans up dinner, and has the dc on their way up the stairs for their baths when I walk in the door. And on top of that he works about 50 hours a week. If he’s a SAHP (to a child that seems to be in childcare?), he should have so much free time to cook and sort things during the day.

This isn’t even your child. I would stop running around behind him. Having a long commute is exhausting. You should share household responsibilities when you are both home, but that shouldn’t mean everything gets dumped on you because he just hasn’t done it all day.

OK. There could be another reason going on here. Look at the context of it. No coincidence that you started feeling like this since you all moved in together. Here's the attachment theory behind it.
Because things have changed considerably in this new arrangement. His daughter now has a 'place' in your household. I strongly suspect you don't like other people controlling your 'stuff'. Your partner is your stuff, and his daughter is controlling him. You don't like this much but you are only finding this out now.
Before this you had 'control' of your partner and you have your own space. Now it is a Shared Space and she is in your shared space. It's the daughter you are angry with. But you are taking it out on your partner because in your unconscious mind, he is choosing her over you. Like when a mother brings home a new baby, you are protesting and acting out, hoping he'll notice and pay you attention.

I'm with GreenFingersWouldBeHandy that you really need to read WhereYouLeftIt post.

@Seaweed42 hmm so it’s got nothing to do with the fact that’s she being treated as a skivy while having a long day anyway with work / commuting? I would say hired help but they get paid

She's not financially supporting him though so he's not a cocklodger.

WhereYouLeftIt is spot on.

Please take care of yourself.

It can be challenging caring for a DC with GDD. Am I right in thinking that being a 'SAHD' was a condition of being awarded custody rather than a 'choice'?

GDD will continue to impact. She is highly unlikely to catch up and magically become NT. It is likely that challenges will increase when she starts school. Does she attend an SN nursery? Will she be going to mainstream? Does she have an EHCP? Does she have a DLA award? If so, depending on level awarded your partner may be eligible for carer's allowance. Would you have the same expectations if he were officially recognised as a carer?

Many a relationship has crumbled, even when long established and where both partners are the biological parent of an SN child. Communication is key. Otherwise resentment builds up - you may think he is choosing not to work and enjoying a cushy life - he may think he has given up paid employment to be a full time carer despite the financial and emotional cost and will be told by support agencies to take respite breaks and take care of himself in order that he can keep doing this for years and years.

@Seaweed42 no this isn't the case at all. At least, I don't think it is. :(

He's not my property or 'stuff' and I don't feel like she takes him out of my control at all.

I note all previous comments saying he should be doing all the chores and having the dinner on the table when I get in. But I don't want that. I don't really mind about what he does or doesn't do during the day when she's there, I used to in the beginning, I got annoyed because I came home and all the washing up was still on the side, but then I looked at it like this. During the day, if he wants to dedicate all his time to his daughter, that is great! It makes him a good dad. My mum put that into perspective for me. Kids grow up so fast, why not play instead of wash up, when that can be done later?

But I guess on the days she's at nursery, it would be nice if he, on his own accord, pulled
his finger out a bit and helped me out.

And it's just last night that was my problem and how he reacted, and the comment about how he will basically play when he likes and if I don't like it I know what to do.

Could his comments ever be justified by my behaviour, being upset moody and depressed?

His parents are quite mentally draining”

Uh huh, well you know where he gets it from then. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

I am in no way excusing his remarks. You complained about him not cooking. He saw it as you complaining about him and his daughter. His reply about his time playing with her, seems like he thinks you are upset about that. There could be huffing and closing of doors rather than staying your case and how you feel about it.

"Could his comments ever be justified by my behaviour, being upset moody and depressed?"

No. Never. You being upset/moody/depressed should be ringing alarm bells for him and he should be supporting you to feel better. Instead, his comments make you feel worse.

Go home to your family.

"The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree."
Well spotted, Fluffycloudland77.

*stating your case

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain

She is about to start a mainstream infant school. EHCP has been applied for but been knocked back twice. We've been advised that this time, with statements from the school she'll be going to, it will be more 'evidence', so she will get it. Fingers crossed.

I don't think it was part of the deal that he got custody, no.

I am aware that it is hard being a parent to a child with GDD. I have been parenting alongside him too so can totally
Empathise with him when he says it's hard work. I'd say It's her speech and language really that she's behind with. And possibly she's more naughty and disobedient than what would be expected from a child without GDD. She needs to be taken to the toilet and helped with that because she sometimes doesn't go herself. And she hates to poo. So it's a daily struggle with the toilet.

But despite of all of that, she's a happy very funny and cheeky girl. She is very attached to her dad she loves him dearly. He can't even take a poo without her walking into the bathroom asking for daddy come here etc hehe. So perhaps I should have detailed a bit more about what he has to do when she's at home :/