AIBU to expect help from SAH Dad when I get in from work?

[Bananas2018]

So this is my first post - apologies I haven't got my head around the abbreviations yet ><

A little background information - I am a step-mum. Dad has full time care of his daughter who has just turned 5 - he is a stay at home parent. She sees her mum at the weekends.

We have moved into a new flat together at the beginning of the year after almost 2 years together. Up until last week, daughter was in nursery 3 days a week. It’s the holiday's now and she starts full time infant school on the 24th April.

I commute into London every day. Leave the house at 7:30am and get back around 6:30/7pm.

I am currently experiencing very bad PMDD. Hence I am asking you lovely lot if it's me being crazy and hormonal, or if I am actually being reasonable in what I am asking.

Last night, after a couple of really shitty days at work (and at home) I got home around 7pm, ready to start the dinner. This is pretty much the same routine every night. Since we've lived together, he has cooked dinner twice - but only because I asked. He 'can't' cook. So he was following my step by step instructions. But the two meals turned out well. So in my opinion, he is able to. He just doesn't want to.

Dad was still playing games in the front room with daughter when I started doing dinner. He came into the kitchen and gave her sweets (cos that’s sensible before bed!) and then continued to mess around in the front room.

So in a bit of a huff I shut the kitchen door. We then had a bit of a disagreement about me shutting the door, and I left the flat - I just wanted to cry.

I was sat in my car and messaged him saying am I really being that unreasonable to expect some help when I get in from work? He is up playing with daughter from half 6 in the morning, all throughout the day, he even had time for an hour and a half nap! So I do think it's fair that he helps out when I get back from work.

His response was and I quote ''if I want to play with her until 8pm then that is what I will do... if you're feeling like that, the simple answer is don't start dinner until I have put her in bed. If you're hungry get something small to eat until the point I can help''.

It takes a long time for her to settle, usually after brushing teeth and having a story it takes about half an hour for her to be asleep. So if I did wait until ‘he was ready’ we wouldn’t be eating until gone 9pm which is far too late for me.

I don’t know where I stand really.

He sounds REALLY selfish! If you are out at work all day and he is a SAHP with one DC at nursery, at the very least he should be doing the food shopping and cooking dinner for the three of you to share.

@Seaweed42 ahhhh I see. Yes I think I would have to agree with you there. He seems to very sensitive to anything I have to say when it might involve DD. I must be jealous, I must have a problem with her, in fact he did say that today. It's because I am jealous of his relationship with his daughter. But that REALLY isn't the case.

I sometimes envy? (If that's the right word?) his relationship with DD, in that I never got the chance to experience having a dad... or at least a real one, who was nice.

Your partner (and you of course) will find great support from IPSEA, SEN!SOS and Facebook groups alongside the SEN boards on here. The Facebook group EHCP England/EHCP experiences is a lifeline and reading the posts will offer a perspective of how much time and Headspace having a school aged SEN child requires in order to get adequate support. There will also be local parent carer support groups that can offer support re the EHCP and provide support for carers with regard to mental health and wellbeing.

When my DC were going through the EHCP application process I was too busy reading the SENCOP and researching to even think about housework and prepping dinner. If your partner is not doing this now it is likely the calm before the storm.

I am giving your partner the benefit of the doubt because, with the benefit of hindsight, I know what is very likely to lie ahead. Be kind to each other. (If he is an arse then bin him and whatever you do, don't blame yourself)

OP - have you done any reading around GDD? Just google it. She needs an advocate. Her dad sounds like he is willing. Please don't try and stop him because of your own (legitimate) issues.

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain I would never do such a thing. He is very much her advocate now. He's her full time carer and I support them both, always have done.

I have extensively researched and googled and read many many articles online. I'd even go as far as saying I've read more than he has to be honest.

He was very much in denial at first, as was his mum. They didn't want to get an EHCP for fear it would single her out at school.

But he has come round to it now and accepts she does need help.

She's recently had a blood test and it's come back that she has partial deletion of chromosome 2. I heavily researched this and sent him all the info I found, as it answered a lot of questions relating to her behaviour and delay etc.

OP - you are likely to look back at this and laugh that you were so concerned about insignificant things when the shit was about to hit the fan big style.

It is totally par for the course for nursery to try and get an EHCP for when the child starts school because they know the child won't cope without significant support and hence an EHCP, but the LA to refuse SA assessment, even with 'evidence' from the school they are due to go to, even where entry has been delayed. Call me cynical but the LA is likely to refuse again because they want 2 terms 'evidence'. Or do SA and award no/crap and meaningless EHCP. You may be headed to tribunal hearing. This means Erin brockovitch (?sp) self education or hiring solicitors).

THIS is a big deal. Not making dinner pales into insignificance in comparison.

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain
I thank you for your advice and seemingly wise words of wisdom, instead of man hating hehe x

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain sorry, but was does LA stand for?

This is probably the best advice yet, thank you x

@ just call me Erin Bananas

What are is good points Op? What are you getting out of the relationship?

LA is local authority. I assume the nursery has applied for EHCP. The LA say yea or nae (usually nae). This doesn't mean the child does not need an EHCP. Parents need to apply for SA to trigger right of appeal if (when) it is refused.

The legal criteria is that the child MAY have SEN and MAY need additional support but without a full statutory assessment (educational psychologist, speech and language therapist, occupational therapist maybe paediatric medical doctor) needs cannot be known and so provision necessary to meet needs cannot be known. No criteria to provide 'evidence'.

Your partner needs to embrace this - it is part of his job as carer. If he does, you make dinner . If you do it, as well as paid work, he is your personal slave . But one of you needs to do it (for her).

@Ihatehashtags

I get a man who makes me laugh, cuddles me when I'm sad and picks me up when I'm down. At least he tries - I do make it difficult sometimes because I tend to push people away and seek solitude when I'm feeling down. I feel safe and secure. We have a great sex life. We have the same sense of humour and laugh a lot. I get a beautiful step daughter. I get a family.... just something isn't right at the moment, I don't know if it's me, if it's our communication, but we have hit a rough patch! :(

He's taking massive advantage of you, that's what's wrong, but by all means, pay out to keep this man if that's what you like and it suits you. You don't have a family, you have a man with a child who expects you to do all the supporting with none of the input. It's in no way 'man hating' that people have pointed out he's lazy and selfish. It will not improve. And at any given minute, he can walk away and you'll never see that child again. He's under no obligation to ever allow you to parent her at all, but hey, it's good enough to live in your home and rely on you to handle all the mental and financial load. If this is good enough for you, then crack on with him, but do it with your eyes open.

If I was working full time and dh was at home he would have dinner on the table for me most nights. However the 7pm till bedtime slot is a difficult time to have two people doing things not connected to your child. Your issue is not that you need help when you come in, but that you should not need to be starting to from scratch when he has been available all day.
You may need to build up gradually. Write a menu. Show him how to do a few things. That way he can get some of it ready so that all you need to do is the last minute bits.

Dh worked 12hrs today, I was off. He still asked me if I needed help after dinner. I said no.

It’s not man hating to expect an equal relationship.

I realise I shouldn't have written that, sorry people 🙏🏼

Main thing though is to talk honestly about how you are feeling. His comments cannot be analysed in isolation. Sounds like grotty comments have come both ways. Tell him what would help. Ask him what would help him. Keep talking.

He's not very kind to you is he?

Oh wait, he will 'turn the oven on for you' well woop de fucking doo.

Invest in a slow cooker. Get him to throw bits in it daily. Bolognaise chilli stew etc. Ready when you get in just add rice pasta etc. No risk of messing it up. Ready to go almost when you walk in. I get your frustrated but being a stay at home parent is not easy. You get no time off. Yes he may of fitted in a nap but he probably spent 8 hours chasing her around tidying up after her.

I’m sorry, but reality check here.

Let’s say DSD wakes at 7 - that’s 12 FUCKING HOURS he has to spend time with her, do the housework, and cook dinner.

Like fuck he doesn’t have time to do it. He’s lazy, and spending too much time in the daytime doing nothing.

I say this as a mum of 4 that’s been both a FT working parent and SAHM. When FT, we managed to cook dinner every day. As a SAHM I did it six times a week, DH did one night to give me a break.

Washing up - 15 mins. Dinner - 30 mins. Cleaning the entire downstairs of the house - 30-60 mins. It really isn’t rocket science.

Don’t let him play you for a fool.

(I’d say the same regardless of whether it’s a SAHM or SAHD - I don’t understand how little gets done with some people!)

I’m sorry but his attitude is really selfish. I’m a sahm, with children with SEN, I manage to play and clean and cook daily. My husband works very long hours, I love him, I WANT to have something ready for him to come home to to eat. Sometimes it’s slow cooker if we’ve had busy day out, sometimes something easy like jacket potatoes, sometimes more complicated but something. I feed the children earlier then phage something for him to reheat or have fresh ready. He cooks on his days off.
I’d be concerned about his comments re you being jealous of him/her...it sounds very much something to say to make you back down over things, gas-lighting, as I’m pretty sure you don’t feel that. I’d never even think of saying that to my husband about my children/his step-children, it’s really bizarre. (If he truly thought that why is he not leaving you?)
It seems to me that you do far more than your fair share of household chores/cooking as well as working...no wonder the relationship is not great at the moment. You need to talk about equality/respect and not let him emotionally blackmail you into backing down from your viewpoint.

Just leave. You don’t have kids with him or a mortgage with him and aren’t married to him.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the dinner situation (it’s totally irrelevant) you are really unhappy.

I would be fine with him concentrating just on DD on the days she's not at nursery. Esp since she has global development delay, it must be good for her to spend lots of time with Daddy.

But on the days when she's in nursery 9-4, he's massively taking the piss if he doesn't sort out the housework during that time. Including prepping dinner for you both. There should still be time for gym/boxing as well.

Also, I'm really worried about one of your comments, OP:

He has a lot to worry about - his parents are quite mentally draining... so he goes to the gym and boxing etc as it makes him a better person mentally and its good for his well being etc.

So he has struggles with his mental health, and takes time out of his day for mental wellbeing.

since moving in, I have been nagging and picking at stupid things he has or hasn't done. Crying a lot. Generally feeling down and depressed.

You've also had mental health struggles lately, so i would expect him to ensure you have appropriate time out (without work/chores), to look after your mental wellbeing. Except...

He says I should be going to the doctors to sort out my mental health and not coming on here to rally up people

...apparently when it's your mental health, it makes you a 'nag', and you need to go to see a doctor about it. Oh, and it also seems to excuse him from helping in the kitchen because he doesn't want to be near you (nice).

But when it's his mental health, he should be excused from chores and given time to do stuff he wants to do.

Your relationship is very inequitable, OP.