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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect help from SAH Dad when I get in from work?

173 replies

Bananas2018 · 11/04/2019 12:09

So this is my first post - apologies I haven't got my head around the abbreviations yet ><

A little background information - I am a step-mum. Dad has full time care of his daughter who has just turned 5 - he is a stay at home parent. She sees her mum at the weekends.

We have moved into a new flat together at the beginning of the year after almost 2 years together. Up until last week, daughter was in nursery 3 days a week. It’s the holiday's now and she starts full time infant school on the 24th April.

I commute into London every day. Leave the house at 7:30am and get back around 6:30/7pm.

I am currently experiencing very bad PMDD. Hence I am asking you lovely lot if it's me being crazy and hormonal, or if I am actually being reasonable in what I am asking.

Last night, after a couple of really shitty days at work (and at home) I got home around 7pm, ready to start the dinner. This is pretty much the same routine every night. Since we've lived together, he has cooked dinner twice - but only because I asked. He 'can't' cook. So he was following my step by step instructions. But the two meals turned out well. So in my opinion, he is able to. He just doesn't want to.

Dad was still playing games in the front room with daughter when I started doing dinner. He came into the kitchen and gave her sweets (cos that’s sensible before bed!) and then continued to mess around in the front room.

So in a bit of a huff I shut the kitchen door. We then had a bit of a disagreement about me shutting the door, and I left the flat - I just wanted to cry.

I was sat in my car and messaged him saying am I really being that unreasonable to expect some help when I get in from work? He is up playing with daughter from half 6 in the morning, all throughout the day, he even had time for an hour and a half nap! So I do think it's fair that he helps out when I get back from work.

His response was and I quote ''if I want to play with her until 8pm then that is what I will do... if you're feeling like that, the simple answer is don't start dinner until I have put her in bed. If you're hungry get something small to eat until the point I can help''.

It takes a long time for her to settle, usually after brushing teeth and having a story it takes about half an hour for her to be asleep. So if I did wait until ‘he was ready’ we wouldn’t be eating until gone 9pm which is far too late for me.

I don’t know where I stand really.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 11/04/2019 13:19

Has anyone said cocklodger yet?

Tbh I’d expect any sahp to at least rustle up some food if their partner works long hours.

It doesn’t have to be a three course meal with coffee and mints now does it?.

My husband knows I’m on here, he’s not bothered.

DeaflySilence · 11/04/2019 13:21

"So her normal routine would be back from nursery around 4pm."

From 9am?

What would he generally have been doing during the 21 hours per week, that his daughter attended nursery, @Bananas2018?

What does he intend to do during the five days per week that his daughter attends school?

I am asking as, from your posts, he sounds very lazy, but perhaps he has continued to work/earn during her nursery time, and intends to when she's at school.

If not, then (as soon as his savings run out) you will have to financially support them both (unless you earn below the benefits level) and he will continue to do nothing through the week.

I can't help wondering why you are with this man.

caughtinanet · 11/04/2019 13:26

The SAHP should be doing the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking imo regardless of who it is. Your DP is taking the piss

QforCucumber · 11/04/2019 13:26

Has he started looking for work? Is he skilled in something which he could just walk into? will he be looking for Term time only jobs then?

DH knows I'm on here, usually an eyeroll when he sees my phone and a 'bloody mumsnet again'

letsdolunch321 · 11/04/2019 13:26

Be interesting once his daughter starts school.

He is still a lazy selfish git not making your dinner for when you arrive home.

letsdolunch321 · 11/04/2019 13:27

Dp knows I go on mumsnet.

He sometimes ask me of there are any juicy posts

Original poster
Bananas2018 · 11/04/2019 13:29

He goes to the gym, goes to a boxing class as he doesn't get any other time to do it, he does do the washing up from dinner the night before.

He does some washing... usually it's his and his daughters stuff though (which I am completely happy with because the odd times he has helpfully done washing of mine, he has put whites in with darks, doh!)..

I'm guessing he probably hoovers too...

He plans to start working soon - he hasn't since he got custody of his daughter

OP posts:
Liverbird77 · 11/04/2019 13:31

I'm a sahm and do more than 50% of cooking, most of clearing away, most of the laundry. My husband is happy to cook sometimes because he enjoys it and he also recognises that my primary duty is to look after the baby - sometimes my day can be really stressful and exhausting too. I wouldn't be happy if he did nothing and he would feel the same.
I think it is utter bollocks for an adult to say they can't cook. It is time he learned.
From the outside it appears that your relationship isn't very equal and he isn't very supportive.
You are definitely not being unreasonable!

Imadehimlikethat · 11/04/2019 13:32

So if daughter is awake the only things he does is the stuff directly linked to her because she can't NOT have his attention for a second?

ooooohbetty · 11/04/2019 13:33

He should cook every night. He's lazy.

DeaflySilence · 11/04/2019 13:34

"He goes to the gym, goes to a boxing class as he doesn't get any other time to do it, he does do the washing up from dinner the night before." etc

Do you really see your future with this man, @Bananas2018?

If so I'm surprised, what compromises would work long term for you, and have you clearly told him this?

If not, is it fair to the child to continue with the relationship a moment longer than necessary?

Alsohuman · 11/04/2019 13:35

He must be God’s gift in bed because it’s hard to see what else you’re getting from this arrangement, OP.

WhiteCat1704 · 11/04/2019 13:37

LTB

mummmy2017 · 11/04/2019 13:44

So what about when you want your own children, but you can't as it would mean one income and his DC has to go without.

Oh I know you work, he will become stay at home daddy, and you can never see your child as it is in bed.

Merryoldgoat · 11/04/2019 13:46

I think the playing with the daughter and sweets is a bit of a red herring.

The days I stay home with the children I barely get anything done as it's full on and they are a bloody handful.

My husband does pretty much all the cooking as he loves it.

We have a cleaner and split chores probably unequally. That's fine. It works for us - we both feel like we get a good deal which is the best outcome.

The issue here is that he doesn't seem to talk to you especially well and you don't seem able to communicate very well with each other.

If I got home as you did, I would say 'Hi love, how are things blah blah. Can you give me a hand for a sec with x' and he'd say 'sure - give me 5 mins to settle DD' and that's that.

Passive aggressive door shutting and his total lack of respect make this sound like a relationship turning sour.

Additionally, I don't want to be THAT poster but together less than two years, living together with a child that isn't yours who has had changes of custody: it's quick and no one has really had time to adjust to the dynamics properly.

It sounds to me like you've moved too fast.

I wouldn't use the term Cocklodger personally - SAHMs aren't skivvies and neither should be SAHDs - regardless of whether or not the child is yours, this is the arrangement you made and he had a child he looked after when you got together so this situation isn't new plus he's planning to work when she starts school.

DantesInferno · 11/04/2019 13:47

so he is at home while she is at nursery? doing what exactly?

Wallywobbles · 11/04/2019 13:48

Who is paying for all this?

Snuggz · 11/04/2019 13:49

He does some washing... usually it's his and his daughters stuff though (which I am completely happy with because the odd times he has helpfully done washing of mine, he has put whites in with darks, doh!)

D’oh? Why are you minimising his actions? Did it not cross your mind that your partner is just a lazy shit who doesn’t want to do things for YOU? I’m pretty sure he manages not to get whites and darks mixed up with his and his daughter’s clothes!

Also, how did he get to be in his 30s and not know how to cook? Again, he can seemingly make food for his daughter/himself when needs be, but never for you.

I’m pretty sure if you stopped making food for him and his daughter to eat the next day he would soon get off his arse and learn.

What a lazy bastard! Why are you with him again?

MyDcAreMarvel · 11/04/2019 13:50

@Nanny0gg CSA complusory school age it’s the same everywhere in England it’s just most people choose to send their dc September after fourth birthday.

Chippychipsforme · 11/04/2019 13:50

So so lazy. He gets three days to himself (around nursery drop off and pick up) and you still have to cook the dinner? Id be packing my bags (or his bags).

Shoxfordian · 11/04/2019 13:51

Are you paying for everything too? Don't be a mug op

PregnantSea · 11/04/2019 13:53

I'm a sahm and I don't do everything around the house but I certainly do the lion's share. I do all of the washing unless there's a very special reason for me not to, I cook probably 4 or 5 nights a week, sometimes more, and I do all the cleaning. The house is a bit messy sometimes because life gets in the way but my DH never really gets involved in the cleaning unless I ask him to. Tbf if I ask he will do stuff without argument. And if he has a day off he will often cook a really nice meal for us.

He works very long hours in a rotating shift pattern in a difficult job. I would never expect him to get home from a shift and then start the dinner when I've been home all day, not unless I was ill or something.

Your whole set up seems really unfair to me.

CaMePlaitPas · 11/04/2019 13:53

Honestly OP, if I was in your position I wouldn't put up with this. You're renting, you're not married, you don't have children - walk away.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 11/04/2019 13:55

What do you see in him? He doesn't want to cook; he can, but he doesn't want to. He's living with you because you're happy to do the bulk of the grunt work AND work full time while he plays with his DD when she's home and goes out/to the gym when she's not AND wait for you to come home and cook for him weeknights.

I'd tell him to do one. The bulk of the housekeeping should be done during the week so you can enjoy your weekends together; that's not happening.

canadianbanana · 11/04/2019 13:58

I’m seeing red flags with this fellow. He had to quit working when he got custody of his daughter? And moved in with his parents, but supposedly living off his savings. So it was all good until he was able move somewhere else with you, but can’t get a job until his daughter is in school. I predict he’s going to have all kinds of reasons why he can’t get a job when she starts to school. Like, who will take her to school and pick her up? What will she do during holiday times? The fact that he wasn’t able to cope with a job and having custody is not a good sign. Nor is the fact that he can’t even get dinner together when he obviously has free time when she is at nursery. And he doesn’t really make her food, as it sounds like he is just reheating what you have made. TBH, It sounds to me like he is using you — free accommodation, food, cleaning, etc. I’ve been a SAHM, and run a home daycare at the same time. I did virtually all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, and errands. My DH, who worked hours similar to yours, helped out at the weekend with some odd chores, and made a couple of meals to give me a break.