AIBU to expect help from SAH Dad when I get in from work?

[Bananas2018]

So this is my first post - apologies I haven't got my head around the abbreviations yet ><

A little background information - I am a step-mum. Dad has full time care of his daughter who has just turned 5 - he is a stay at home parent. She sees her mum at the weekends.

We have moved into a new flat together at the beginning of the year after almost 2 years together. Up until last week, daughter was in nursery 3 days a week. It’s the holiday's now and she starts full time infant school on the 24th April.

I commute into London every day. Leave the house at 7:30am and get back around 6:30/7pm.

I am currently experiencing very bad PMDD. Hence I am asking you lovely lot if it's me being crazy and hormonal, or if I am actually being reasonable in what I am asking.

Last night, after a couple of really shitty days at work (and at home) I got home around 7pm, ready to start the dinner. This is pretty much the same routine every night. Since we've lived together, he has cooked dinner twice - but only because I asked. He 'can't' cook. So he was following my step by step instructions. But the two meals turned out well. So in my opinion, he is able to. He just doesn't want to.

Dad was still playing games in the front room with daughter when I started doing dinner. He came into the kitchen and gave her sweets (cos that’s sensible before bed!) and then continued to mess around in the front room.

So in a bit of a huff I shut the kitchen door. We then had a bit of a disagreement about me shutting the door, and I left the flat - I just wanted to cry.

I was sat in my car and messaged him saying am I really being that unreasonable to expect some help when I get in from work? He is up playing with daughter from half 6 in the morning, all throughout the day, he even had time for an hour and a half nap! So I do think it's fair that he helps out when I get back from work.

His response was and I quote ''if I want to play with her until 8pm then that is what I will do... if you're feeling like that, the simple answer is don't start dinner until I have put her in bed. If you're hungry get something small to eat until the point I can help''.

It takes a long time for her to settle, usually after brushing teeth and having a story it takes about half an hour for her to be asleep. So if I did wait until ‘he was ready’ we wouldn’t be eating until gone 9pm which is far too late for me.

I don’t know where I stand really.

From a male perspective, if I was a SAHD I would cook the meal for my Partner when they returned from work having been out of the house for 12 hours, even if I had been looking after any DCs involved. He's being a lazy twat IMO.

I often cook meals for my wife when she has come in from a 12 hour NHS shift, and that's with me working a full day too. Our DCs are 22 and 16 so the 'caring' is a little different than that of a small child, but I still do this and washing/ironing into the bargain (how difficult is it to separate whites from darks FFS). BTW I've not posted this to blow my own trumpet, but I think this is what's expected of a shared relationship...you share stuff...including the chores and childcare.

Tell him to get a grip and muck in...….

I'd have packed my bags and gone long before OP - he sounds like a right catch.

I'll be SAHM for a year soon - I'll be doing most of the cooking. Right now DH does it as he works shorter hours. We're a partnership. Yours sounds completely one sided.

In the short term I'd eat before you get home and leave them to it. Stop cooking, stop doing any jobs.

For how long has he been the parent with main residency? Has the child been through a difficult time and he feels he is trying to 'make it up' to her, or something?

Why is it not 50:50 or at least the Mother seeing more of the child?

I'm baffled to understand why you moved in together if this is how he's always been, but it sounds like circumstances have changed recently?

You do know he has you doing wife work, while he plays Disney dad full time .

Your on here because you know this is not right, your already thinking of leaving and you are just asking us to let you know it is ok to go.

what Will happen if and when you have your own children
You think your marriage will survive if you want it too you best let him know what your expectations are.
This is nasty selfish behaviour

@MyDcAreMarvel

Nanny0gg CSA complusory school age it’s the same everywhere in England it’s just most people choose to send their dc September after fourth birthday.

Thank you. Should have worked that out! But the OP said DSD is 5, so bit confused. I'm surprised they've been allowed to wait.

I don’t understand what you are getting from this arrangement apart from a few chores done on weekends. You seem to be financially supporting and cooking for a man who is rude to you and his child. Why?

And surely not coincidence you're stressed and anxious since you moved in together, OP? Stop detracting from the seriousness of your own response to this by calling yourself 'crazy' and 'hormonal'. What's in this for you?

There's no logic to him having had to become a SAHP once he got full residence of his daughter -- is there some reason her mother doesn't have her at all? He presumably had to fight for this legally, so it wasn't a surprise. You pay for more childcare and keep your job, surely.

What does he do all day while she’s at nursery? Even on those days he doesn’t prepare any meals? He sounds pretty lazy to me.

Also, if he’s looking after his daughter, how did he manage a 1.5 hour nap.

Looking after a 5 year old isn’t exactly 100% hands on is it? They’re fairly happy to entertain themselves for stretches of time at that age at which point your partner could start preparing food. On my non-working days I use my daughter’s nap time to prepare the evening meal.

He needs to be doing your tea.
Your not telling me he cant cook the basics like a chicken breast, a baked potato and chop a salad?
Hes a lazy person from what you say. I'd say you either start pulling your finger out or move out and the relationship is over.

Ask him if he wants to be living in a B and B with his daughter on Universal credit. Because that's what he'll be doing when he moves out.

Wow, he's lazy, OP. I was a SAHP while studying for a degree and I definitely didn't expect DH to cook dinner when he came home from work - the only exceptions would be if I was running behind on essays or had exams - so perhaps once or twice a term. Most housework was done by me during the week and our local gym had a creche so I still got a pilates class - or I'd walk with the buggy for exercise.

Luckily you have this April 24th deadline coming up. I would clearly lay out your expectations of how you want things to change when DSD is at school full-time. There's no reason why he can't manage a reasonable number of chores and at least a couple of dinner per week while he's job-hunting.

He sounds very arrogant telling you what he will do.All the while whilst he is being totally kept by you. I think I would tell him to get out actually with his child.

Everybody can cook, people who say they can't just don't practice and don't want to.

What positives are getting from this relationship?

Why on earth are you funding this guy and why on earth isn't he more grateful?

I'd be off and have a lovely life without him. Imagine that - all your money to yourself and no lazy arse telling you what's what.

The difference in the comments on this and the lazy SAHM thread are crazy. This working women should expect a cooked meal when she gets home, but the working dad on the other thread should just suck it up and do all the housework despite being at work all day. Poor blokes!

Lazy git.

I can't believe what I have just read!

So you are keeping him and his daughter, who isn't even yours? WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?

And yes, I am shouting.

The difference in the comments on this and the lazy SAHM thread are crazy. This working women should expect a cooked meal when she gets home, but the working dad on the other thread should just suck it up and do all the housework despite being at work all day. Poor blokes!

There are key differences in the two situations. This man is not depressed the OP is the one who is distressed by the situation his daughter is in nursery for significant periods of the week, during which he goes to the gym, the child he is currently playing Disney Dad with is not his partner's child, and they have only newly moved in together -- for some inexplicable reason he wasn't able to combine parenting and his job. It looks as if the OP is currently subsidising his rent.

Different situation, Panda. This guy's child isn't the OP's child.

Blimey OP you need to run for the hills! Have you not worked out the relationship between how he treats you and how you've been feeling since you moved in together? By your own admission " stressed, depressed, upset, emotional and irrational" according to one of your PPs. Have my first ever LTB - he's a lazy twat OP. and you deserve so much more.

The lazy mum on the other thread has also told the husband to like it or lump it she's not changing and that her depression has got nothing to do with it.

He must be hung like a Donkey.

So can you tell us anything positive about him? If not, why are you still with him?

This isn’t going to get any better.Plan exit strategy now.
He has no respect for you

He has a lot to worry about - his parents are quite mentally draining, his child and her school is worrying him (she has global development delay - hence starting school later (she has just turned 5) so he goes to the gym and boxing etc as it makes him a better person mentally and its good for his well being etc. He says I don't understand what he has got to deal with in his head on a day to day basis.

He says that I failed to mention that the reason last night specifically he didn't want to stand next to me in the kitchen to help is because I've been they way I am. Which come to think of it, since moving in, I have been nagging and picking at stupid things he has or hasn't done. Crying a lot. Generally feeling down and depressed. I've been missing my family a lot (I lived in a big house with 9 relatives including my nan) so the change was something I knew would be hard mentally for me. And that's what I thought I was feeling all of this time. He says I should be going to the doctors to sort out my mental health and not coming on here to rally up people that may share my opinion about dinner. :(