AIBU to expect help from SAH Dad when I get in from work?

[Bananas2018]

So this is my first post - apologies I haven't got my head around the abbreviations yet ><

A little background information - I am a step-mum. Dad has full time care of his daughter who has just turned 5 - he is a stay at home parent. She sees her mum at the weekends.

We have moved into a new flat together at the beginning of the year after almost 2 years together. Up until last week, daughter was in nursery 3 days a week. It’s the holiday's now and she starts full time infant school on the 24th April.

I commute into London every day. Leave the house at 7:30am and get back around 6:30/7pm.

I am currently experiencing very bad PMDD. Hence I am asking you lovely lot if it's me being crazy and hormonal, or if I am actually being reasonable in what I am asking.

Last night, after a couple of really shitty days at work (and at home) I got home around 7pm, ready to start the dinner. This is pretty much the same routine every night. Since we've lived together, he has cooked dinner twice - but only because I asked. He 'can't' cook. So he was following my step by step instructions. But the two meals turned out well. So in my opinion, he is able to. He just doesn't want to.

Dad was still playing games in the front room with daughter when I started doing dinner. He came into the kitchen and gave her sweets (cos that’s sensible before bed!) and then continued to mess around in the front room.

So in a bit of a huff I shut the kitchen door. We then had a bit of a disagreement about me shutting the door, and I left the flat - I just wanted to cry.

I was sat in my car and messaged him saying am I really being that unreasonable to expect some help when I get in from work? He is up playing with daughter from half 6 in the morning, all throughout the day, he even had time for an hour and a half nap! So I do think it's fair that he helps out when I get back from work.

His response was and I quote ''if I want to play with her until 8pm then that is what I will do... if you're feeling like that, the simple answer is don't start dinner until I have put her in bed. If you're hungry get something small to eat until the point I can help''.

It takes a long time for her to settle, usually after brushing teeth and having a story it takes about half an hour for her to be asleep. So if I did wait until ‘he was ready’ we wouldn’t be eating until gone 9pm which is far too late for me.

I don’t know where I stand really.

You're out working from 7am to 7pm and he expects you to make dinner when you get home? Why are you with such a selfish piece of shit?

@Bananas2018
I really hope you can see through this, he is completely and 100% out of order. Run for the hills.
He is making it all your fault. Partners don't do that.

You should at least share the cooking or he at the very least could prep cutting onions/marinating etc....

He does sound lazy though and l bet when he lived with his DP, then they picked up,the lions share of the housework/cooking/childcare...not exactly a good attribute in a future life partner.

Most of us deal with concerns relating to our offspring and our parents, AND cook and share housework, while working FT.

He says I should be going to the doctors to sort out my mental health and not coming on here to rally up people that may share my opinion about dinner.

If this is him when going to the gym, and having considerable free time, I'd hate to see how aggressive and mean-spirited he will be when he's back working FT, dealing with dropoffs and pick-ups and talking to his DD's teacher about supporting her, and sharing the usual chores, cooking and gruntwork associated with running a household.

There doesn't sound to me anything wrong with your MH -- you're stressed and unhappy because you've gone from living in a supportive, collective family environment to being semi-alone with someone who treats you with contempt. Cut your losses, OP. Can you move back in with your family and get your head together?

He has agreed on several occasions in the past that he will prep some stuff before I get home. He has done a few times up till yesterday...

Today (before the argument started) he asked if I knew what we were having for dinner and if there was anything he could do.....

But now that's reversed and I am the unreasonable one expecting him to want to help me when I've been so hard to live with :(

Eat your main meal at lunchtime and have sandwich in the evening

this ^

He does sound like quite the catch. I am sorry that you think your partner should maybe treat you badly because you have used him emotionally

He says I don't understand what he has got to deal with in his head on a day to day basis.

^ REALLY? He pisses about all day doing whatever he wants whilst his DD is at nursery, and complains that HE has a hard time? What a joke.

He says that I failed to mention that the reason last night specifically he didn't want to stand next to me in the kitchen to help is because I've been they way I am

^ So HIS bad behavior is somehow YOUR fault? That is a classic abuser's tactic. Do not be fooled, do not be taken in. The only person responsible for his actions is him. Leave him.

I don't think you are compatible. Leave him and let him get on with raising his DD. He will soon see how cushy he has been getting it.

He's taking the piss Bananasand I would imagine he knows he does!

I was a SAHM to 5DC,one of those was our newborn DD and one of our DC was autistic(he still is and our youngest DD is also disabled and autistic)and my DH did 12 hour shifts and with the commute as well he was out of the house for at least 14 hours each day.

Whilst my DH was at work I'd get our 5DC up,breastfeed the baby,make breakfast for the 4 older DC,stick laundry on get the baby washed and dressed,help my other DC get ready,get myself ready.
Wash up from breakfast,air all of the beds and rooms,stick the laundry out and the next lot on and do the school run,20 minutes walk there and 20 minutes back.

I'd take my youngest DC to a toddler group twice a week,if we were going to a toddler group I'd come home from the school run,let the youngest watch a little tv whilst I hung the laundry out,stuck the hoover round and dusted then we'd go to the toddler group for 2 hours,from the toddler group I'd go and do the pick up from nursery bring the youngest DC home and make lunch,breastfeed the baby and change them again,put them down for a nap clean the kitchen and bathroom and sit down for half an hour(if I was lucky)with a coffee.

Then it would be the school run,get in,shoes and coats put away,make the DC a drink and snack whilst talking about they're day,see to the baby again.

Let them watch a little tv whilst I got the last of the laundry in and then I'd play with them for a while and then get dinner started,my DH would get home(and the 4 oldest DC would jump all over him)he'd help by making drinks,getting the cutlery out or holding the baby,we'd have dinner and then pudding,then play a board game or 2 with the older DC whilst seeing to the baby,then it was bath,supper,brush teeth upto bed with a story which my DH helped with and he'd wash up from dinner.

Once the DC were in bed I'd get the clothes ready and ironed for the next morning and I'd get all of the bags ready.

My DH had to work weekends quite alot as well so instead of the school runs I'd have 5DC to keep occupied whilst still getting the laundry and housework done but I always managed it.

I honestly can't understand why your OH is doing so little,he must be sitting on his arse alot of the time!

Yes to the main meal at lunch then you can just have something easy when he's putting her to bed. Then chill, or go to the gym to help your mental health...

He sounds like a massive dick op, get rid!

How did he get custody of his daughter with no way to support her?

Run, run for the hills.

He says I don't understand what he has got to deal with in his head on a day to day basis.

Poor love. How he must suffer as he settles down for that 90 minute nap.

@nanny0gg
But the OP said DSD is 5, so bit confused. I'm surprised they've been allowed to wait.
Because it’s term after a child’s fifth birthday.

Blimey, you know what's coming? When he gets a job make sure the onus of childcare and logistics falls to him. It will be much harder to extricate yourself and leave if you segway into this role.

Run.
Thank goodness you are renting.
He is using you big time.

Hi OP, assuming that there is still
A room for you in the big house with nine relatives whom you are missing - I would pack your bags as soon as you can. Thank goodness you are renting. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself a happy and stress free life.

I wonder whether this is a reverse.

I imagine your mental health will improve dramatically when you leave the arsehole.

He's now blaming you for his poor behaviour choices. Wanker.

Run!

This won't get better with him at work. It'll get a lot worse. Cut your losses now and go back to family. He sounds very selfish and disrespectful of you.

she has global development delay

Ok, that does make a difference then, depending on the severity she'll need more attention than a NT child. Still doesn't excuse not cooking for half the week or doing more if the chores/mental load incl sorting out groceries.

Before getting custody was his DD part of your life much? Did you know this was going to happen/
did he talk this through with you? Because I can understand that it's going to be different to what you thought your future was going to be like with him. If you are wanting to stay in this relationship you need to figure out a way to share chores fairly and share leisure time fairly. He gets naps and time to go to the gym and boxing - do you get the equivalent down time?

He says I should be going to the doctors to sort out my mental health and not coming on here to rally up people that may share my opinion about dinner.

^^This coupled with telling you he'll do as he pleases and refusal to cook at all would rub me up the wrong way - does he think he's your better?

In all honesty l don’t think he realises what you have to deal with on a daily basis. He’s taken no responsibility for anything and is all woe is me. With a side order of it’s your fault.

A massive drip feed that she has GDD. Must impact her a lot if it has impacted when she cab start school as you say.

It doesn't sound as though you get much from this guy.
Why are you with him?
You miss your big family.
Please go back to them for some love and support.

Have I got this right, @Bananas2018 - you've been a couple for two years, but have only moved in together in January? Until then, you lived with your family (9 in total including your grandmother) and he lived with his parents and daughter.

This would presumably mean that only since January have you had full sight of who he is. And I have to say, it's not a pretty sight.

It sounds as if he expects you to be the one actually running the household and doing all the mental labour associated with that ("he asked if I knew what we were having for dinner") as well as all the cooking, shopping (he has to be asked, and presumably given a list), and although he shares the cleaning chores with you at the weekend - would I be right in saying you are still the one directing things? Whilst he 'helps'? And has to be asked to do specific jobs, told what needs to be done?

Quite simply, you are not in a relationship of equals. He expects his household to be run for him. You are not his partner, you are his staff. His domestic appliance. His skivvy.

He is not pulling his weight, and worse, he is not emotionally supportive. You have uprooted yourself from what sounds like a supportive family situation FOR HIM, and now you find yourself being told to go to your doctor if you can't cope with his expectations.

I am particularly concerned with that last post -
"But now that's reversed and I am the unreasonable one expecting him to want to help me when I've been so hard to live with"
Do you see what he's actually saying? He's saying that his behaviour is your responsibility. Anything less than Little Miss Perfect will be punished. You are to support him, but never to expect support from him.

As I've said - you are not in a relationship of equals.

How you are feeling ("Crying a lot. Generally feeling down and depressed.") is categorically NOT to do with your PMDD. It is to do with the stress of being with this man. And as such, the cure is pretty easy. Move back home to your family. Leave him and his daughter to play and eat sweets and not eat food because the cook's gone home to a supportive loving home and left this unsupportive loveless home behind.

And as for him kicking off because you've come to Mumsnet for advice? No, it is not reasonable for him to be pissed off. People come here for a reality check. We all at times recognise that we can't see the wood for the trees, so asking someone uninvolved for their perspective is just sensible. That he is pissed about it is just another indicator that he's totally fine if you are isolated. Cares not one jot for your mental health (whilst spending a LOT of time nurturing his own).

Seriously - get out now, before you're dragged down even more than you are now. Move back to your family.