AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

Aridane

Oh for goodness sake- either tell her or don’t, and stop making it all about you, ‘your’ drama, how ‘you’ feel etc

But that is exactly what happened when he chose to tell. The lying, weak fool chose to burden others with his guilt and when he did that he made it their problem.

The OP does have a problem, it is her moral drama because she was told.
It is not a drama of her making or her choosing it was imposed upon her and now she has to deal with a mess not of her own making. She is quite rightly pissed off.

Among the many foolish choices this bloke made he also chose to tell others.

If it were my close friend no I probably wouldn't say anything anxiety know that makes me a massive hypocrite

Right, we’ll leave it alone then. Unless you can honestly say you would 100% tell on one of your best friends keep out of it. You will not be thanked for it.

I'd stay out of it. One of DP and I friends cheated on his girlfriend through sleeping with someone else, and even though said girlfriend is a friend of mine too, I couldn't bring myself to break the trust between DP and I. He would never tell me anything again if I did, and someone else's relationship isn't worth jeopardizing anything in my own over.

It's a very shit situation, but nothing good can come out of this from DP and you. DP will probably lose his friends for splitting up a marriage, and DP will never confide in you ever again, breaking the trust between you both

The only time I would ever tell someone in this situation would be if it was my closest, best friends who I've known for 10 + years

It is not a drama of her making or her choosing it was imposed upon her and now she has to deal with a mess not of her own making

Rubbish. Every adult can choose how to react to a situation. We are all in control of our emotions. OP is choosing to be apart of this drama.

Anyway these threads always attract lots of attention and no one knows if they are true or not.

Of course it's about me @Aridane as I've posted because I don't know what to do. I don't know how she'll take it or if she'd prefer to know or not, funnily enough we've never discussed what we'd want the other to do if they found out our Dp has cheated.

I posted because me and Dp were arguing over what to do and I like I said I've already avoided seeing her because I'm worried she'll ask me something or say he's acting weird or something and I don't know what to do or say.

If Dp doesn't say anything to his mate and we try just pretend we don't know carry on as normal. What do I do if she asks me? Either now or later on?

No how she reacts is her choice. She was forced into the drama, if she hadn't been told = no drama.

And how she reacts is up to her, some people would be upset others wouldn't. If you don't like the drama don't click on a thread with a title like this, that's your choice.

I've just seen that your husband is the groom's best man. OP I know it's awful situation and you cannot bear to sit and their wedding listening to their vows and speeches, but this is DP decision to make, not yours.

I'd stay well out of it if I was you, this isn't your friendship your risking, it's DP and his best friends. Its his decision to tell or not

Tell her.
If I was the poor bride I would feel a proper fool and completely betrayed by everyone when I found out.
And she will find out in the end.

She could yes

Or she could have a very long and happy marriage with wonderful kids if it was not for the op and her partner forcing him to confess.

If I found out that my partner had cheated and our couple friends had known, I might be able to understand if they said they felt they had been in an impossible situation, hadn’t wanted to hurt me, hadn’t wanted to risk our friendship etc. If, on the other hand, they told me that they had weighed up the risks of STIs, risk of my becoming infertile, risk of this woman turning up after the wedding with a baby, ongoing infidelity etc against the chance that my marriage might be happy ON MY BEHALF, had decided that they deemed the pros of the relationship to outweigh the cons, and that I should be kept in the dark on the basis of THEIR assessment of my relationship I would be incandescent with rage.

Giving this poor woman the information that’s available and allowing her to make her own decision is the only way to give her control of her own relationship.

If you tell her in person and she chooses to go ahead with the marriage it will be awful all round.

If you message her anonymously then she has the option to ask round and act accordingly or choose to ignore it as malicious with some shreds of pride intact. At least she has choices.

If she then chose to ask you directly you wouldn't be breaking your DH trust as much I think...

I was cheated on by my first husband, and most of my friends knew. Nobody told me, but I wasn't cross with them, because it was a terrible situation they were in.

When I did find out, it took me 4 years to leave him. It was so much information to process and kids to consider etc.

My advice would be not to say anything. If the stag do has already happened, the wedding must be just a week or so away. There is no way she could process this info, and decide what to do, in such a short space of time. Her whole life would come crashing down, at what should be one of the happiest times of her life.

I wouldn't be convinced he will never cheat again though. The OW slept all night with him. When he woke up the next morning, instead of being horrified and asking her to leave, he accepted a blow job. He isn't remorseful at all. And this is when his relationship is still in the honeymoon stage. Imagine 10 years from now, when they have all the stress of family life going on!

Please don't boycott the hen do or wedding : that really is spectacularly shitty.

"relationship is still in the honeymoon stage."

Almost literally

I personally think you're being selfish. You want to shatter what is a happy time for her.
There is almost a tradition in some circles of having one last hurrah before you tie the knot.
You don't care or mention her once. Not once. It's all ME ME ME ME ME.

Think of her rather than yourself.

Any chance you're jealous she's getting married and you're not?

There is almost a tradition in some circles of having one last hurrah before you tie the knot

Yeah I forgot about the tradition of being unfaithful.

If it's no big deal tell her then.

Think of her rather than yourself

I agree, think of her and let her make her own mind up. She is an adult woman and needs all the information to make a decision.

@Apoiads

Any chance you're jealous she's getting married and you're not?

Ok I was ignoring the "little tell tale tittle tattle" comment but accusing the OP of being jealous ffs.

We are not in the playground. These people are not 14. Your response is on a par with the less mature 16 year olds I work with.

Will you just grow the fuck up.

Will you just grow the fuck up.

The irony of that, given that you're talking about being mature.

Ironic how? Because she swore? Are only children allowed to swear then?

On what planet is it the ops decision she should be told, and not her partners. Who died and made the op thr god of their relarionship?

As said, op do your worst, you and your boyfriend clearly intend to. But mark my words, the messengers will be shot here. And at point blank range.

And if I was in your social circle I'd also shun you for getting involved in their relationship to this extent, controlling it, playing god, making it all about uou and your decisions, as would most people I know.

It's one thing to speak to him, explain your discomfort, express an opinion that he should speak to her. Is a whole other thing to step in and take control and force actions.

This is between them, it's not your place. However I think you're just gagging to get in there and make sure she knows. Aren't you?

Moral quandary my arse.

I'm bloody glad I'm not friends with Bluntness100 or Apoiads.

Not telling her so that she can have a nice happy wedding day? No matter that she will marry a cheater? What kind of fucked up thinking is that.

Tell her. And be pissed that your husband thinks its OK to cheat and get away with it.

I agree with Bluntness. It will all come crashing down on the OP.

Nesssie agree with your last post.

You can't have it all ways, op, you'd either tell both his friend and, in a hypothetical situation your friend, or you keep out of it. Your dh told you something in confidence, he won't make that mistake again, and my relationship with my dh would mean far more to me than this....he trusted you and now you've piled all this on him. It's his childhood friend, and you're making him choose between you. Nice
And before you all pile in, I think the stag is an absolute shit and bang out of order, but it's not up to the op to decide what happens next.