AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

Some men don't view cheating when you're not married as cheating. Not saying I agree with it, but it is what it is.

I'm with Bluntness (must be the first time ever) on this one.

Who died and made the op thr god of their relarionship?

She isn't the god of their relationship. The OP does have agency over her own decisions. She gets to make a choice about the information forced upon her.

You Bluntness may not see it as a moral quandary, good for you. Other people do and the OP is struggling with it.

The twat in question made it about other people when he acted like this in front of other people and chose to tell someone else. Put the blame where it lies firmly with the man who was unfaithful and then couldn't keep his mouth shut.

I think most people gave up 'shunning' about 300 years ago tbh

And sending your DP as your flying monkey is pure cowardice.

You're the one who wants to tell. Go and tell yourself.

Wow. You would honestly ‘shun’ someone who told a friend their partner was cheating. Ha I’m with nesssie. Thank fuck you’re not my friend.

Wonder if your partner has cheated on you but none of your friends have told you for fear of being ‘shunned’.

I agree Nesssie.

Can't believe OP and her DP are getting the blame here for the groom's shitty behaviour. The groom made it their business when he shared his appalling behaviour with his mates.

I do think the DP is doing the right thing by trying to encourage the groom to confess to his fiancé first, but if it didn't happen I would be telling my friend and explaining I had given him every chance to tell her himself. If I got shot as the messenger then so be it.

Lying by omission is still lying and anyone that knows about someone being unfaithful to their friend but not telling them, makes them almost as bad as the cheating person. It's a betrayal in itself.

So we were out on a night out once when I was much younger and single and someone spotted a “groom” that she knew on his stag night and said we know he’s a cheating bastard, Liverpool go up to him, chat him up and get off with him. So that’s what I did a photo was taken and sent to the bride. Who married him anyway and guess who was sent to Coventry by everyone for her shitty behaviour... clue, not the person who cheated. Now he was set up kinda, but the bride did not know this. And didn’t care.

I've been the person to whistle blow - the person I found out from was my sister, whose friend had been the one to sleep with my friend's boyfriend.

My friend had already had a pregnancy scare at 14 from this guy. She was devastated, and they split up. My sister was pissed at me for breaking her confidence.

Now? My sister is long, LONG over her annoyance, and the friend and her boyfriend are both married to other people. I maybe sense a little coldness still from the woman he cheated with, but I am in no way displeased with the outcome - then or now.

What is with the blaming of OP. Bluntness and Apoiads. What charmers you are.

The bride deserves to know. Some people get over cheating and some people don't - I think you don't know which side of the fence you are on until you are faced with that situation. I know of two couple where one cheated and they managed to get through it. I also know marriages that have been shredded by one off cheating.

Too many people know, the cheater blabbed to work colleagues the the bride doesn't seem too keen on. It will come out but at sone point. What happens when one of those guys arranges a stag do back back at the same place? Again, does he become the 'really regrets it and is not that type of guy'. Give her the option of information.

Think it might help to realise that this isn't a case of 'keeping out of it'.

OP's choices are either lie (go to the wedding, look bride in the eye, do the kiss kiss oooh I'm soooo happy for you! go to hen and listen to all the stuff about how they're made for each other and say nothing - could you do that?! I couldn't!) or refuse to lie - which could either take the form of telling her, giving the groom an ultimatum, or simply refusing to take part in the active lie herself by ducking out of the wedding/hen/friendship.

Not a great choice eh.

And no - she isn't breaking a confidence is she? Her DP didn't give her that choice either! If he'd thought it through he might have realised that simply by telling OP he'd be putting her straight in the position where she too had to choose to lie about something massive to a friend and basically play utter hypocrite at a wedding, then maybe he would have chosen not to tell her. But that's his mistake.

Lol at OP making it aaaallll about her (translation: asking for advice on what she would do and as a part of that describing how she feels about it all, on her own thread that no-one is obliged to read or reply to).

OP, if it were me I would tell her as I could not collude in something like this, end of. And no I would not feel guilt or responsibility - that entirely lies elsewhere, firstly with the person who decided (yes, DECIDED) to cheat on his fiance - so yep he is that kind of person, kind of self-evident, that bit!- and secondly, with your DP who decided to tell you and thus put you in this position.

I think the decision you've made is pretty good, there's no good answer here. She does need to know - the not using a condom is sickening, the rest of it not much better. Lol, lol, he's not that kind of guy and he was drunk and he'll never do it again, lol, lol, lol.

Boy this thread got nasty. It is a horrible situation and I'm really not sure what I would do. I probably wouldn't tell her myself - because the repercussions are so huge. That might be moral cowardice. I was cheated on and it ended my marriage. But its not a clear cut decision for me. I always felt I didn't need to know about one mistake/indiscretion - sadly thats not what my ex did.

The one factor I do find very distasteful and that might swing it however, is that the 'groom to be' has told so many people. The suggestion that his friends on the stag do were sniggering about it is just horrible and I have to question all of their morality too. It signals an acceptance and that its funny?! Really? Nasty people who plan to come along to the wedding. That might sway me to tell her. Genuinely, I dont know what I would do.

What it boils down to for me is would you tell him if she'd done it to him would you tell him?
Would you be angry if your DH told him if you told him she'd did it?

If you would tell or you'd understand your husband telling, I think you can say your not being a hypocrite.

Also, I think the suggestion the OP would be breaking her DP's confidence is rubbish. I wouldn't agree with OP going straight to the fiancé first, without discussing with DP and giving the groom a chance first. But from OP's updates it's clear they've discussed it fully and he's also come to realise it doesn't sit right with him either. Good on him for doing the right thing and going back to his mate to encourage him to also do the right thing. Let's hope he follows through and the groom is finally honest with his fiancé.

OP when is the wedding? Is it weeks or months to go? I know these days some people do hen and stag dos 2-3 months ahead sometimes.

I'd tell her, OP. Either that or don't attend attend wedding plans as you said.
Is this going to happen everyone the husband to be goes out and gets drunk? Will that be his buy out? Oh I was drunk it was one of. How many one offs will there be?

OP did your OH send a message to his dickhead friend suggesting he tells his bride to be or someone else is going to. Or could you send the message to the groom telling him to be honest.
I would feel awful being part of a lie and I would really want to know if this had happened to me. If she goes forward with the wedding she needs to do it with eyes open to what her marriage could be like. Wouldn't you want to know if it was you this had happened to?

I'm not jealous of them getting married was very much looking forward to their wedding. They're our closest couple friends and I'm really upset thinking about potentially losing that friendship, Dp too which is why he was more keep quiet and don't say anything. Most of our friends aren't settled down yet so since we bought a house and had Ds these have become our closest friends in regards to how much time we spend and things we do together.
If she had cheated on her hen do and I told Dp and he wanted to tell her Dp I'd understand that. I just don't think if it was one of my best friend from school I would do, although I'd advice she should tell him herself. I also wouldn't tell my Dp though, especially not if he was friends with her partner.

It's a few months to the wedding, the official stag and hen dos are next month. This was a weekend away his work mates organised, which is why my Dp didn't go amongst other reasons.

Dp is going out with him tonight, but I've said to leave saying anything and just see what he says himself. Maybe he's considering telling her anyway or maybe she's suspicious or asking questions herself. When Dp asked if he fancied a few drinks he replied yes and that he needed to talk to him anyway.

@YemenRoadYemen yes it’s not your deal breaker to decide on, but it’s also none of your business. You were told in confidence.

If you tell someone something it is not for you to make the rules about what they do with that information unless you make it very, very clear upfront.

If you tell and then says 'that was in confidence' to late.

I'm bloody glad I'm not friends with Bluntness100 or Apoiads.

Here here.

I'd tell her. She's about to marry him, she deserves to know what he has done.
I got married 7 months ago, my husband has his stag the night before.

If someone told me on the morning of the wedding he'd fucked someone else, 100% I would not have gone to the wedding.

She absolutely deserves to know! How could anyone sit, listening to sneers and laughter coming from his workmates, knowing they are laughing because the groom had sex with another woman. I would be interested in knowing if the women he cheated with was a stranger, or someone he worked with!

I think he has shown his true morals, by cheating on his fiancé he has shown that he is capable of cheating and is likely to cheat again! He shouldn’t need the OP’s DP there to stop him cheating! The OP’s DP didn’t go on the stag do for a reason, he clearly didn’t like his friends workmates, or who his friend is when he is with them! These workmates are not going anywhere and he will likely be going on many more nights out with them! If he can cheat on his beautiful bride to be, he can cheat on his exhausted post natal wife, whilst she is sat at home with a new baby to look after! Who is to say he won’t cheat with a woman from work?

I honestly would have to tell my friend! She has the right to know that her fiancé can’t keep it in his pants and that she is entering into a marriage that is built on lies! Can you imagine how awful she will feel if she finds out after the wedding and finds out that so many of her friends and his friends knew he had cheated and still smiled and told them how happy they were for them! She would feel like a fool, the memories of her big day would be destroyed!

At least if she is given the full truth, she can make the choice of whether or not to go ahead with the wedding! It is not fair that she enters into marriage with the full truth! She deserves that at least!

It should say it is not fair that she enters into marriage without the full truth

If I was being cheated on I would definitely definitely want to know. No question.

Or had been cheated on. Probably he will do it again - he might feel “sorry” but he does have volition in this . What a bastard.

They're our closest couple friends and I'm really upset thinking about potentially losing that friendship

Op. If you threaten this man and force his hand, as per your original plan, then there is no way to maintain this friendship. Irrelevant of what some of the nutters on here are telling you, about how she deserves to know, about how you get to decide, not her partner, and how they personally would fall down in gratitude.

The bottom line is you black mail this man as per your plan and get your face all up in their business, even if she decides to marry him, neither of you will be at the wedding, the friendship is over. He will tell her what you both did.

And folks on here will say " ph that's a shame op, but at least she knows, you did the right thing, sorry neither of them see it that way and you're the pariah and everyone knows you blackmailed him into telling her " before moving onto thr next thread gleefully.

Or she could have a very long and happy marriage with wonderful kids if it was not for the op and her partner forcing him to confess.

Based on a lie, lovely!

I would much rather let this woman know do she can make her own decision, even if that did mean she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Everyone had a right to know if their partner is a cheating scumbag.

I would be absolutely humiliated if I know friends had been keeping this from me and allowed me to go through with a marriage to someone with a blind fold on.

you're the pariah and everyone knows you blackmailed him into telling her

Bluntness in your world where people 'shun' each other she might be a pariah, in my world she is a woman who had a difficult situation pushed upon her and my utmost sympathy whatever her decision.

In every world he is a lying bastard who deserves everything he gets.