AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

Your completey right Windowsareforcheaters but often it doesn’t work out like that.

No @Apoiads he is! I haven't cheated on her and if he's feeling as guilty as he's making out he is, then there's no way she's not picking up on something being amiss.
She's not keen on his work mate friendship group anyway (I think now she's got good reason) she wasn't keen on the stag do plans (again now I think with good reason). If he tells her like Dp is encouraging he doesn't have to tell her anyone else knows so she can decide if she wants to tell people or not. I won't say I already knew, I won't tell her any details I know, if she mentions it to me I'll support her as a friend.

Go with your gut reaction. I had a very similar situation 20 years ago. I chose not to tell and they have been happily married for 20 years. It was out of character for him and she would have been devastated and most likely called off the wedding.
Only difference was that only a handful of people knew about it.

This woman could be left infertile because of her dps actions. Her dps actions. Not the ops.

But hush the op might lose some friends. Oh tragedy. If the op lost any friends who thought she should keep quiet about her cheating fiancé then they’re no great loss.

She could yes

Or she could have a very long and happy marriage with wonderful kids if it was not for the op and her partner forcing him to confess.

Personally I'd tell her and if I was her I'd want to know. If he didn't use a condom, he could have contracted an STI, or impregnated the woman.

It's not the person who tells her he cheated who ruins the relationship, it's him for cheating. She is going to marry and is planning to have children with this man. She has the right to know that he has broken her trust. For all anyone knows, she will decide to forgive him. Or she might leave him. That's her choice to make.

I

I'd tell her, ideally face to face but in anyway you can if you can't do that.
I had a Facebook message from a fake profile telling me about my ex cheating and I'm so grateful. It meant I started to question him and before long it all came out.

@Bluntness100 she could still have that. She could discover his cheating and decide to forgive and stay with him. The point is, surely that decision should be with the woman herself? Shouldn't she know everything about the man she wants to start a family with?

Complex. But unravel it by thinking about who is completely innocent in all this and doing the right thing by them which is giving them the truth so they can make their own decisions.

Again @Bluntness100, his friend is the one who's done this. He didn't have to cheat, he didn't have to tell my Dp the details of that cheating, he didn't have to tell anyone he could have said he kissed her took her back and fell asleep drunk and nothing happened.
He's brought this on himself. I don't think it's fair for him to expect us to sit at his wedding and congratulate them when we know and for my Dp to stand up and say what a lovely couple they are and how much he loves her, while his work mates sit there smirking about the stag do. Dp hadn't thought about that part until I mentioned it but said he'd struggle now to stand up and give his speech knowing a lot of people know and know that he does too.

I feel terrible for her but I wish he hadn't done it at all, not that she doesn't find out about it now he has.

Or she could have a very long and happy marriage with wonderful kids if it was not for the op and her partner forcing him to confess

His decision, his actions. He did it in full view of all his friends. He confessed to the OPs partner to ease his burden. His choices.

The only person who has no choice is the woman. She needs to be given responsibility for her own life and her own choices. Anything else is patronising and controlling.

No idea what I'd do.Very difficult.

I don't think your DP IBU mind you. He has a point about not wanting to keep it from you, but now wanting to interfere in their relationship. How would you feel if someone else told her and you later found out DP had known all along and said nothing? Rightly pissed off I'd imagine.

I don't disagree he did all those things op.

But let's not pretend you're not playing your part and taking control of their relationship and deciding what he must do and she must know like it's your decision and you're god.

He did do those things, but you are also playing your part in potentially ending their relationship.

Yes, he could have made her infertile or given her an sti. Yes the relationship may not have worked out anyway.

But they won't know will they, because you and your partner are stepping in and taking control of their lives for them.

I think my may be enjoying the angst of it all a little Op

If this was the other way round and a close friend of yours went on her hen do and was unfaithful because she was blind drunk and bitterly regretted and it was beside herself what would you do?

But then again this sounds like something out of a trashy mag if it’s true

Hold on...why is your DP giving a speech but wasn't at the stag? Sorry if you explained that already. Missed it.

Fancy I don’t believe age has anything to do with this. It’s not a “girl code” issue. I am 43 and totally believe this woman has a right to know. She is about to marry the man that cheated on her. The man that is supposedly loves and respects her. She has the right to know so she can make an informed choice about her future with this man.

I’d tell her. Why should the bastard get away with it?

Oh lord. I would hope my friends tell me if ever this happened to me.

I'm certainly not enjoying it @Amongstthetallgrass. I hate it and I'm not sure what's best to do.
But I've already made excuses not to meet up with her because I'm worried she'll ask if I've heard anything and what do I say?

If it were my close friend no I probably wouldn't say anything anxiety know that makes me a massive hypocrite. But likewise if Dp was friends with the groom I wouldn't tell him, because I'd know it wouldn't be fair for him to know and then after be normal around him.

I'd have preferred Dp not to tell me at all.

And I, not anxiety

I would tell her. She deserves to know who she is marrying. Being drunk isn't an excuse for acting like a prick.

Hopefully he will tell her himself but if not then I would.

Perhaps he told so he would be forced into confessing? We don't know.

You can't put your moral burden on others though. Well you can, but you can't expect people to then behave exactly as you tell them.

The OP has an information burden she has to live with she has been put into that position by a very silly, selfish man who behaved disgracefully.

The OPs loyalty is to her own conscience. Bluntness you would be able to sit through the wedding and make an accommodation with the issues. I sure as hell couldn't. Neither of us are wrong.

I couldn't watch that poor woman be humiliated on that level. She makes the decision to marry him after what he's done, fine. The person to make that decision is 100% her in my mind. So I would tell.

Oh for goodness sake- either tell her or don’t, and stop making it all about you, ‘your’ drama, how ‘you’ feel etc.

And none of this anonymous nonsense (own your decision), or ducking out of the hen do / wedding sort of hoping she’ll know something is wrong.

From what you say it sounds like a drunken shag where he couldn’t get it up / maintain an erection first time round hence the second go. And the sober recipient of a bj in the morning.

And, yes, she might have contracted HIV / STIs / have miscarriages/ infertility/ a prolonged abusive relationship. Then again she might not.

I was with you until you said you wouldn’t tell the other way round....... that is really hypocritical. I’m glad you’re aware.

I had a similar situation. I went mental at my husband for telling and then asking me to lie. I told him if she asked me anything I’d be directing her to him which I did and she did contact him and my husband told her everything he knew because he said he couldn’t believe how much worse it became when you was actually lying to someone rather than just not saying.

I wonder whether this delightful man is having unprotected sex with his soon to be wife, knowing full well there is a risk he might have contracted an STD. It can take 3 months for some STDs to show. I'd be more furious about that than the cheating, the person who is meant to love me the most
knowingly putting my health and life at risk so he can cover up his infidelity.