AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

Think you've decided the best plan, don't go to hen do or wedding. That in itself says enough.

You can't break your dh's trust but when she asks why you're not going to the hen do just reply ask "Ask my dh"

She then has the choice to ignore or dig deeper but it's her choice!

No don't you lie too!!!!

You can't go to the hen do because you're pregnant!! Noooooooo

That's a lie!!

Just say "Ask my dh"

And as I said earlier then it's her choice what she wants to do.

Your response sounds absorbed in you and your DP. You’re not being a good friend here.

I used to have a very close friend whose first husband cheated on her . Several of us knew but didn’t tell her. When she found out about him and that others knew she was very upset that no one told her. She divorced and remarried. A few years later I found out that husband number 2 was cheating . I spoke to him but he still continued. I told her . She never spoke to me again and is still with him !!
If I were you i would stay out of it especially as you don’t have concrete proof ( I did ) .

OP seems to have decided to end the friendship anyway (), so even if she told her friend and the friend cut her off, the outcome would be similar. But the cheated on woman would not have the information.

What response @Loopytiles? Wanting her Dp to tell her himself?

I haven't done or said anything as yet. If you mean the staying friends part, then yes that's about me because I just know I can't do it. I'm not one of those people who can just pretend I don't know. I'll feel conscious around them about what I say, feel like I can't get drunk (when I can drink) incase I slip up and say something and honestly right now having heard the details I don't think I can look at her Dp and I don't want to have to be nice to him.

Sorry op I think lying about not going is a bad idea. It just removes you as a friend and leaves her alone and cut off. Frankly at a time when she needs her best friends.

If the friendship is fucked anyway (and it sounds it if you can’t have him round any more) I would tell her to ask her dp what happened on the stag do. That you’ve heard stories and seen things on the what’s app group and were worried. She can get the sordid details from her dp.

If it were me I’d want to know. And frankly it’s no one else’s choice to decide what she will and will not tolerate. Plus she needs to get tested ASAP. If she wants children but gets an undetected Sti that choice might also be taken away from her.

I'd have to create a fake Facebook and tell her.

I told somebody I didn't know that her fiancè was shagging my mate up against a wall. She believed me at first as she kicked him out (she herself told me this) then they went through counselling.
6 years and 3 kids later, he is still sleeping with my friend 🤦‍♀️ I think now she just refuses to believe it

Couldn't see if this was already mentioned but it can take up to 3 months to get reliable tests results for some STI's. I doubt they'll not be having sex for the next 3 months so even if he gets tested this month he could still be putting her at risk of infection months later. She's being exposed to God knows what and no one is telling her. That's awful.

I would want to know. I also can't believe the amount of people saying stay out of it. It's all very well you DH saying he regrets it, he is not that type man etc. But he is because he did. Give her the information, let her make an informed decision.

If she is having one speck of doubt and her mother, sister, friend is saying - its just nerves, everybody gets them. Imagine how she would feel finding this out. Too many know for it to stay secret.

Whether it was a drunken mistake, just a kiss, a one time thing doesn't matter.

Being drunk is not an excuse to be a cheating prick. I can't believe there are people on here using that as a justification.

Would you marry someone who would potentially cheat on you everytime they got drunk? What a lot of shite!

I would want someone to tell me because I would want to make the decision of whether he deserves forgiveness or not, it's not up to anyone else. I would also be fucking humiliated if I found out that a fair few people at my wedding had known. I would be cutting them out of my life straight away.

One of my DHs friends was renowned for cheating on his now wife. All the other wives knew but no one said anything. I was very vocal about how wrong I thought it all was and that she should be told.
I removed myself from the friendship group and we now don’t see any of them anymore. I feel bad for my DH, many years later, but I just couldn’t socialise with them knowing that the DH was/is a serial cheat.

I would tell my dp that his friend had 48 hours to tell her or i would. Give him the choice to confess first.

I would definitely tell my friend. A close female relation was cheated on and all his and her friends knew. She married him, had her heartbroken more by multiple cheating episodes and got an STI from him. He's also a shit irresponsible parent, as demonstrated by his subsequent behaviour but apparent from his earlier cavalier attitude to condoms.

She doesn't see said friends anymore either- her choice. Last time i saw one they begged me to play flying monkey and i was more then happy to tell them to piss off.

Dp is going to talk to him tonight and encourage him to tell her himself. If he won't he's going to say he can't be best man and we won't be going to the wedding. It's up to him what reason he gives for that but if she phones either of us to ask we're going to say, it's nothing against you, but you need to ask your Dp about his stag do.

Dp thinks he'll choose to tell her himself.

I wouldn't be chastising my DH for his honesty with me, what outcome doe you want from that - him to keep secrets ? Him to lie? Bad move you have made there.

I think most people probably want to know that their partner’s values are similar to their own. It’s not about chastising him for his honesty. Asking someone to collude in a lie that could ruin someone’s life is not honesty. I certainly wouldn’t appreciate being held to ransom on threat of my partner lying to me in the future if I didn’t comply, and if that were handed to me by my husband I would be considering how compatible we actually were. Although more accurately I would not have married such a man in the first place. At any rate, this is not what OP’s partner has said as far as we know. The suggestion that he now will lie to her in the future is purely conjecture by other posters.

Just seen your update, OP. I think that’s about the best way to handle it. What a rotten situation. I hope this man does the right thing.

I’m with Bluntness

I also agree with boobles who puts it far more articulately than I could!

People saying he'll now lie or not tell me things. I don't think he'll be able to do that if I'm honest. He shouldn't have told me about his friend, he asked him not to say anything. But when Dp has had a few drinks he tells me everything, only to me his friends always say he's the most loyal and trustworthy as he never says anything to anyone else but the minute he gets home he tells me everything they've told him.

Shocked at the amount of people telling OP to keep out of it. This is a woman life you are playing with here, she deserves to know who she is marrying and whatever choice she makes from knowing is hers alone.

I would tell her but I would prepare for how she might react.

Wow, you're really going to launch a live grenade into her life aren't you.

In my teens/20s I was very much of the persuasion of tell because “I would want to know” & girl code etc & I did. However now in my 30s I would stay out of it. Whilst it’s awful to know people know about your partners cheating the teller often gets the blame. If you tell & she forgives your the constant reminder. Also some people are suspicious or chose to turn a blind eye, if you bring it “out” they have no choice but to confront it which many people don’t want to do.

Apoiads nope the poor woman's fiancé threw the grenade.

Place the blame where it lies.

Well op, you and your partner have decided to be judge and jury and take control of this couples lives. You are forcing his hand based on your opinions, his opinion, even her desire to know, is not relevant to you.

I suspect you know that if you follow this course of action the friendship is over between both couples. And that many of the friendship group will also ostracise you for your controlling behaviour and strong interference in their lives.