AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

I’d tell her even if it ended a friendship.

Sorry to say it, but I would also wonder whether your DP considers this to be no big deal and if he thinks it’s acceptable to cheat on a stag or hen night.

Ok....she should know he is a cheating scumbag. No excuse to have it off with someone just cos its a stagnight. She will not be happy if she found out you all knew and didnt tell her. I would give him the opportunity to tell her and if he doesnt.....tell her anonymously. That way she is told, you bf won t know you told her , and she wont be embarrassed thinking you know. She can them decide if she wants to see thru the fingers at this one or not. If men think they can away with this sort of behaviour then they wont stop. Never done it before? Yea but he has now!

Someones going to get drunk or angry and will blurt it out eventually.
Sounds like too many people know and that would be embarassing for the bride.
I hope he hasn't caught any STD off that women he cheated with because if he has, she'll know if shes gets it.

What a horrible position to be in, OP. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, but I wouldn't thank my OH for putting me in that position, of knowing but not being in a position to do anything with that knowledge, at least not without serious repercussions.

I think the preferable way to handle this is for your DP to persuade his friend to come clean. Especially since he didn't use a condom.

either way though youre friendship wont be the same-u dont want to go to the wedding so she will be suss about that and so u might aswell tell her-no u dont know anyones true relationship but people need to decide with all theinformation -he doesnt kow yet if he has an sti im guessing he'll only confess if he does

if she decides to carry on with the wedding thats her choice but her choice with all the facts

I would be upset but I would have to keep my oh confidence I couldn’t break that as it would break down trust between us

Are you seriously going to potentially ruin someone’s wedding over a stag do kiss? I don’t even class that as unfaithful.

I think he's most likely told her, I'm out at the moment but Dp just messaged to ask if he can stay in our spare room.

Do they already have kids? Divorce can be bad but it can be equally difficult when you are not legally married as you don't automatically get half the assets and solicitors/proof bla bla.... It's not just an emotional decision (if it gets to that place), she will also need legal advice.

Sorry, it's just a lose lose situation.

That's the only reason I can think for him needing somewhere to stay anyway.

Just tell the woman.

She’s about to marry a cheater. Ruin her life now, or later when there’s little kids involved.

If I were you OP I would go away for the weekend now -- not to show lack of support but so that, if the shit has hit the fan, you do not get associated with all the scenes that now ensue. Just pop away solo if possible and let the mate talk to your OP. Or better still, the both of you could go. Don't make yourself available for his other half to cry on your shoulder, either. This sounds like I am being cold but whilst I agreed with your OP pressuring the friend to make his confession morally, I think for either of you to get emotionally drawn in now will be a nightmare for your relationship with these people and they really will have an excuse to blame you both for being part of it later. In my extensive experience, if ever people talk to you about their separation and then get back together again, you tend to then get dumped as a friend because it is all too embarrassing.
DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THEIR MESS!

oh no I've just remembered you have a child and baby on the way! Don't allow this situation to overshadow your family life at the weekend. Let your op and him go out for long walks and make sure you let the guy know it could compromise your relationship with his other half if he sticks around the pair of you now.
OMG this guy is weak and unboundaried -- he should not be lumbering himself onto a young family at this point when the female half of the young family is a friend of his wife to be.

Very very difficult one

I would be inclined to say don’t get involved
And don’t breathe a word to anyone about it

Oh and why the hell is the woman who went with him being let off when she most likely knew he was a stag, she should grow up and not mess up other peoples lives. Its disgusting. I would never have dreamed of flirting or trying to sleep with a stag. I doubt she was single either. Either that or he or his mates paid her

It was only a matter of time before someone said this

He hasn’t cheated, he snogged a bird on his stag do. Please don’t get involved it’s not your business. Maybe make sure she snogged a hot bloke on the hen night fairs fair

fair enough op-but it prob will look like you are taking sides if u let him stay

molly rtft

He doesn't know I know so I'm just not getting involved @Plumbuddle. He can stay in the spare room tonight but that's all, I text Dp that it was ok tonight but we've got family coming tomorrow.
I do need to go home though because I'll need to feed Ds.

He said he knows he used a condom the first time but they stopped (because he was drunk) and then started again a bit later but same night and he doesn't think he did that time.

So he was so drunk he had no control over his actions but sober enough to shag her twice. And then not too hungover the next morning to do something then.

It’s so tough but your partner told you in confidence and you ant break that. What a horrible situation to be on ☹️

Stag dos are rampant for cheating. Unspoken rule etc. Stay out of it, your other half will suffer.

I hope he has told her OP—horrible thing for him to do. I would say that if he hasn’t, I would be talking directly to him about it—tell him you know and that you think he should tell his fiancé. What you then really need to do is be there for the fiancé rather than ditching her because it’s awkward. Sounds like you’re fairly close, so please try and be there for her.

Morally, you would have had to have told her if he hadn't, as you know you couldn't have left a friend in the position of potentially marrying a cheater with an STI. Luckily, you're off the hook now, at least for the moment, OP. Bullshit to all those saying "not your circus, not your monkeys" - you can't leave a friend to marry someone you know she can't trust without her having made the decision on their future together in full possession of the facts. Seriously, where do people get off saying she shouldn't be told?

We only get one life. She is about to commit the rest of hers to someone who has cheated on her. Don’t rob her of the chance to make her own decision on this. Please

The issue for your conscience is that by saying nothing, you’re complicit. 100% tell her. She will find out at some stage, from somebody, in time. Better before the wedding. And how ugly, the prospect of a heck of a lot of people at the wedding knowing, but not her. If it was you, you’d want to be told? I’ve been cheated on- and so many people knew ( apart from me ) that they thought I MUST know, and be ok with it!!! I’d never have someone be like that, honestly. Tell her.