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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
flabbymommy · 12/04/2019 17:55

I wish someone had told me when my husband cheated on his stag do. It turned out to simply be the start of a string of woman. I found out 5 years into the marriage and now I’m stuck living with a man I hate. Would have been hard to cancel the wedding but harder then living like this.

sobby · 12/04/2019 17:58

If he has slept with her on the morning as well then he has absolutely no escuse as he was no longer drunk.

I wouldn't personally tell his G/F but would pray that someone else would .

She might also be too scared to cancel the wedding even if you told her as it would make an even bigger scene and everyone would want to know why.
It's a really difficult one as she is no longer marrying some one she must trust completely.

sobby · 12/04/2019 18:00

Sorry to hear this flabby mommy, it must be so awful for you. I hope that one day you can move on with out him and start afresh. X

flowerfairy6004 · 12/04/2019 18:00

As a wife who was cheated on twice I’d say tell her. The first time (I know about!) was 6 months after we got married. He claimed it was a one off and was because he was really struggling mentally and that he was really, very sorry and would never do it again. It broke my heart but I loved him and meant my vows that I’d be there for him through worse as well as better so I took him back and worked very, very hard to rebuild the trust that had been destroyed between us. It was devastating for my self esteem but eventually we moved on and had our child. Then 3 years later once again when I was studying and improving my career to help our financial situation he began to act strange again. I found out when he abruptly told me one day he wasn’t ‘in love’ with me any more that he’d actually being having another affair and taking out child and making them lie to me too at 3 years old. He lied about it until eventually I’d found enough evidence of late night phone calls and cards off the woman. What made it worse was I met people who’d already been aware of what was going on through work. They were mortified on my behalf when they’d met me. It made the pain and humiliation so much worse. I wish that someone had told me before I married him to stay well clear. You are a very kind friend and I know it’s really hard as your other half doesn’t want you to tell her but try talking to him and asking genuinely how he’d feel if he found out his friends had known that you had cheated on him and never said anything. If this guy treats his fiancé with so little respect now he certainly isn’t going to be the husband she deserves. At least if she knows she has the chance to decide for herself whether to try and forgive him or whether it’s too much for her to bear. You don’t drunkenly sleep with someone else twice without being somewhat aware of what you are doing.

caringcarer · 12/04/2019 18:04

If she is your friend then tell her. I can't imagine anything worse than walking down isle to marry a cheat. Wouldn't you want to know if was you? My partner cheated and i was glad a friend told me.

Parky04 · 12/04/2019 18:07

If I told my DW in confidence and she betrayed that confidence then that would be a deal breaker to me.

Yb23487643 · 12/04/2019 18:07

Say nothing, it’s not “cheating”, it’s he “did cheat” once with someone he wouldn’t again in the stupidity of stag do. It’s not ongoing & he’s sorry

NicciLovesSundays · 12/04/2019 18:07

I would feel incredibly disappointed if a friend didnt tell me this had happened and I found out later. Honesty is important in friendships, as much as it is in a marriage.

Palaver1 · 12/04/2019 18:11

Carry this load if you want too see where it gets you.
What your gain will be ..youll soon find out

londonbrunette24 · 12/04/2019 18:15

I’d tell her absolutely. I’d also put my point across to my husband though, that if that ever happened to you or him then you’d expect friends to tell you about it to save the humiliation. My guess is this isn’t the first time he has done it and unless he’s outed it won’t be the last. He is a serial cheat? Does your husband know if he’s cheated more than once? Save your friend the heartache and tell her now. Your husband shouldn’t put you in the position, if the shoe was on the other foot I’m sure he’d want to tell his friend.

Mitzimaybe · 12/04/2019 18:16

If it was an ongoing affair I would definitely tell. A one-off on a stag do, I wouldn't. I've known two people (one a close friend) who had ONSs shortly before their respective weddings. In both cases it seemed to be "one last mad fling before I tie myself to one person for life" almost panic situation and as far as I know neither of them have had affairs or ONSs since getting married. (The close friend definitely hasn't; she would have told me.)

S1naidSucks · 12/04/2019 18:22

If I told my DW in confidence and she betrayed that confidence then that would be a deal breaker to me.

So you would leave your wife because she told her friend that her husband to be cheated on her? Seriously? You would actually protect your cheating friend and leave your wife for warning the innocent party? I think your priorities are a bit wrong.

Plumbuddle · 12/04/2019 18:34

I'm not at the end of thi thread yet but no-one has yet pointed out that this guy has published a picture of the other woman to his work mates. Did she consent to that? Is that acceptable behaviour even had he not been cheating? It is very obvious that he was clearly boasting to a bunch of men about a conquest. He even gave detailed information about her doing a bj on him which is normally private information between two people. I find the fact that he kissed and told on this other woman, completely inconsistent with binding other people not to tell. If I was OP's DP I would not be able to respect this guy ever again. If the DP backs out of being best man which I believe from an earlier OP post he intends to, then the friendship between these four is over. And so it should be. Who can respect or admire a man who shags a woman then shows pics of her to all his friends as if she were an irrelevant piece of meat. They've all had a piece of her in their minds. Imagine this kind of person becoming a father and passing on those values to his sons.... ugh.

user1497997754 · 12/04/2019 18:36

I would not betray my partners confidence if you do this then to be honest if I was your dp I would think twice in confideing in you in the future. I would suggest to dp that he tell his friend that you know....and I would tell dp to suggest to his friend that he tells her himself.....otherwise he will have this hanging over him all his married life...honesty is the best Policy. .

cuppycakey · 12/04/2019 18:42

I would tell her - no question about it. If my DP left me over it I would know we had different values and shouldn't be together anyway.

Orangecake123 · 12/04/2019 18:46

One of my friends knew, that the guy I was seeing was going on dates with another girl.She didn't tell me because it was her other friend who told her.

It helped ruin things between us. Better to know now than after the wedding.

Gromit78 · 12/04/2019 18:47

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MdNdD · 12/04/2019 18:48

Wow, difficult, you can’t really win with way. Cheating is a choice and if he chose to do it once and got away with it then he will probably make that choice again some day by which time there could be children and therefore a mountain of pain and heartache. I am quite cynical as I ‘forgave’ my husband for cheating in our first year of marriage only to find out nine years later that all he did was get better at hiding it. Now we are divorcing and it is so awful, just so awful for our three kids... not fair for you to be in this position, i’m sorry for you :(. good Luck :/

Fishfingersandwichplease · 12/04/2019 18:50

My friend took it upon herself once to enlighten someone in a similar situation....caused massive tension in our group of friend and even now, some 20 years later things are very awks. The couple split up over something else anyway and l know she regrets ever saying a word. It could be detrimental to your relationship if you do say something as your partner may not tell you stuff in future. Nobody would thank you for it. Different story if a full blown affair but whatever happened to what happens on a stag do stays on a stag do?!

ohnoessexgirl · 12/04/2019 18:51

See if you can let her know anonymously- I'd really want to know if it were me. If he cheats on his stag do he'll do it again and again.

MissChananderlerbong · 12/04/2019 18:53

If she's a friend I'd tell her. But I have very close friendships where we're very open and honest, and we've all said we'd rather know.

Maryshousedesigns · 12/04/2019 19:04

Tell her. I married a cheat who was at it before we got married (and a few months after). I didn’t know. He then did it again 7 yrs later and I found out; I would never had married him if I had known. It’s up to her then and she has all the info.

Harvestsquirrel1 · 12/04/2019 19:06

I’m wondering if someone could convince him to confess to her. It would be the right thing to do. He created this mess, after all. It’s not your duty to tell her, it’s his. And she probably already knows.

DelphicOracle · 12/04/2019 19:11

Good god - no do not say anything !!! A very drunken mistake in a stag do is not quite the same thing as a full blown affair is it ? Is this was my best friend I would tell - if this was my sister I would tell .... some couple who you are close to now because of your DH relationship with the groom - not your place !

If as you say other stag do participants wife’s know, then no doubt one of them is closer to her than you are . And don’t fall out with DH either !

flowergrrl77 · 12/04/2019 19:15

Let us know if ever there is an update OP. Good luck

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