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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
Flaverings · 12/04/2019 09:42

I find it funny OP is focusing on Smallereveryday posts when many other posters say the opposite.

I don't.

Take care of yourself OP this is a horrible situation you find yourself in through no fault of your own. FWIW I think you've been doing all of the right things.

MattFreisWeatherReport · 12/04/2019 09:47

The woman in question was simply a vessel for him to stick his penis in.

Classy. Hmm But I'd want to know if I was about to marry a man who had this attitude to women.

And, to the pp who suggested sending an anonymous note...just no!

Honestly, OP, I would just give it to her straight, as gently as possible. If all the men know already, and a proportion (one assumes) of the men's partners, she'll be grateful you were the only one with the guts to draw a line and do the right thing. That's how I'd feel anyway.

Ratatatouille · 12/04/2019 09:53

after a successful first marriage of over 25 yrs and 15 yrs into a very happy second marriage

I don’t doubt it, with one nights stands getting a free pass Grin

You don’t seem able to comprehend that most people have very, very different expectations within a relationship than you do. Most of us would not be fine with our partners having sex or “sticking their dick in another woman” as you so eloquently put it. On that point, I for one would not be partnered with a man who viewed a woman (any woman) as nothing more than a vessel for him to ejaculate inside. You have different standards and boundaries and that’s fine, but you must surely realise that you can’t apply them to everyone else. Most women would not accept the treatment that you are prepared to.

Until vows have been said no promises have been made. So none broken

Do you think that people who choose not to marry should not be entitled to expect loyalty from their partner? Do you think that the only “promises” that count between a couple are the ones that take place in a religious/legal ceremony? And that declarations of love and loyalty prior to marriage are meaningless? Women can expect more from men than you seem to.

jonsnowlowblow · 12/04/2019 10:36

Smallereveryday just because your husbands may have been happy with you shagging around behind their backs (up until the vows were said, of course), really doesn't mean everybody's would be. And I'm making this about the woman shagging around now, because you seem to be focusing on the idea of the male having that free pass. Does it work both ways?

Elephantbiscuit · 12/04/2019 10:43

The woman in question was simply a vessel for him to stick his penis in
Eww. I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone who thought like this without any worry of pregnancy and having secret children all over the place and risking passing on STI's to me. (I wonder if a pregnancy was something the other women was trying for?)

Until vows have been said no promises have been made. So none broken
I guess as I wasn't married to my ex I was unreasonable to be so upset and hurt when he was sleeping with other people behind my back. Silly me.

Greatbigterribleshart · 12/04/2019 11:14

I think you've done the right thing OP. It's very easy to stay out of it but equally it would be very difficult to be seen to allow that because if she finds out it makes you feel terrible. And you'll feel terrible if she doesn't.
You can't win based on someone else's shitty actions.

He really does need to be the person to tell her. I'm glad he has made that decision. Albeit probably for the wrong reasons but she has a right to know for her own sexual health.
It really does make sense that he should tell her anyway but it's just solidified by the fact that so many people know with picture evidence that she's going to find out somehow. The longer he leaves it the worse it will be. If I were him I'd be on my hands and knees doing anything to make it right. But it's better this is done now, before the wedding and before kids in case this shows they aren't right for each other.

Alsohuman · 12/04/2019 11:20

He’ll say he’s told her and he won’t do it.

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 12/04/2019 11:23

I'm going to leave this thread now, thank you for peoples perspectives but my reason for posting was in regards to the how me and Dp thought differently about what to do and I think we've resolved that.
Everyone is going to have different opinions on cheating and if you should say something or not, I get that. I'd want to know myself and so my heart says tell her. A lot of people seem to agree and appreciate those comments but I've tried to pay more attention to those with a different opinion in particularly posters who've looked at it from Dp's side. Just so I don't go charging in with what I think is the right thing to do and I actually consider the other side of it.

Dp is certain he'll tell her himself and I'm just going to put some trust in my Dp and try not think about it. I've asked him not to tell me anything else because I honestly think it's just making things worse for me. If she comes to me and tells me anything I'll be supportive if not I'm going to work on the theory that he's told her and they're working things out in private and they don't want any interference.
Not sure where this leaves our friendship. I think I'll just have to see, I haven't seen her since knowing so maybe the reality won't be so hard and I'm just imagining it feeling really awkward because I'm overthinking it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 12/04/2019 11:32

Dp did also remind me that we don't know what goes on in their relationship and he's right. As much as they're good friends and we all get on (I'm also very good friends with the Dp). Me and her in particular (Dp and his mate do so more) don't share personal stuff, we wouldn't really talk if we'd had a row with our Dp's etc, so I don't know from her side how things are in their relationship if that makes sense. Comparing to my separate good friends who would tell me more personal stuff and I generally have a reasonable idea of their relationships as they do mine.
I think that makes a difference and means it not my place to say anything. For future reference though Dp's not to tell me if any of his friends cheat.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 12/04/2019 13:50

Successful marriage is about picking your battles.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Ah the mystery of a happy relationship is solved by Smallereveryday, you are clearly nailing the good wife role. Be ok with your DP fucking other women behind your back, as long as he doesn't do it with the same one twice.
How often do you think your DH is out fucking other women behind your back, smaller?

Drogosnextwife · 12/04/2019 13:55

I don't know . Perhaps if that is what the persons involve want. I always understood the ENTIRE point of a 'stag' was to run riot sexually . A sort of last supper of sexual abandon before the expected fidelity of marriage. Perhaps my views are just old fashioned now and the new meaning of Stag night is 'get hammered in Prague' .

Yeah that's not old fashioned, that's batshit mate. No one has ever thought that!

jillb55 · 12/04/2019 17:30

This is an agonizing one but I would find a way to tell her. If he will cheat on her before marriage he probably will afterwards too. She may not thank you in the short run but she will in time know you were her true friend. Don't envy you though, OP.

Luluinkent · 12/04/2019 17:33

So difficult...is he a serial cheater or is This a one off? Not that by any way shape or form am I condoning cheating. But he could be racked with guilt for all we know and it never happen again, but it Still doesn't change the fact he's cheated.
But i would want to know if my partner had cheated, but I suspect you will end up with a major fall out with your hubby if you say something. Tricky one...

Thisisnotreallymyname · 12/04/2019 17:34

No no no no , drunken snogs do not count on stag nights

Finn26 · 12/04/2019 17:35

At some point and at sometime the truth will out-of he's a habitual liar and cheat.
If it doesn't and they stay in bliss forever then more harm can be done from a kiss and tell.

IF he (the groom) is in anyway abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, financially or controlling then get involved 100% if not then I say back off. It a moral question and a judgment based on your own moral standards and on that basis would show you as interfering and a busy body Halo

Rach0975 · 12/04/2019 17:35

Flip a coin... you’re damned if you do & damned if you don’t there! If I was her I’d want to know but you are betraying your hubs confidence either way somebody always loses & tbh it’s sounding like it could be you xx

CampfiresAndBeer · 12/04/2019 17:40

I would rather know.

I wouldn't marry someone who had cheated on me, in any capacity, on his stag do.

I'm an adult and inclined to think that that final judgement and decision should be mine and not a secret kept by everyone else I know.

notacooldad · 12/04/2019 17:41

Tell her anonymously
Awful advice if you decide to tell her.
She will be forever looking at everyone wondering if it was them that told her from family members, to friends to acquaintances.
To do it anonymously is just cruel.

Lyver · 12/04/2019 17:42

Honestly if she is a real friend of mine and I know her quite well I would tell her be sure to mention it was a one time thing and not something still happening. She deserves to know and then it's up to her to do with it what she feels like.

I would want to know if it was my partner who cheated.

notapizzaeater · 12/04/2019 17:44

Having been the person who was cheated in and people down me knew, I'd want to be told. If the wedding is a few months this away there's Time for her to decide what she wants to do,

timeaftertime79 · 12/04/2019 17:45

I’d tell her, though I understand that this may cause an issue between you and your own husband. I would want to know before everything was legalised and I’d thank you later. Ask your husband how he would feel if it was the other way round?

Nearly47 · 12/04/2019 17:46

Depends, a drunken hookup I wouldn't tell. A long term affair yes.

numberoneson · 12/04/2019 17:48

Don't say a word about it - not your business. Also, if it was just a drunken snog, it meant nothing at all. He's not married to her yet anyway ... but it still wouldn't be your business even if he was.

moon2 · 12/04/2019 17:54

A friend admitted they had cheated on their other half before marriage in a one nighter. They felt guilty but seem happily married with kids so why upset the Apple cart now? Slightly different but maybe let it go as a silly mistake and don’t encourage your hubby to organise drunken stag dos where these things are likely to happen. A softer version to avoid destroying marriages maybe?

Katherine2626 · 12/04/2019 17:55

It really isn't up to you to say anything. They may have a relationship where this sort of thing is ok, and what if she has a shrieking fit at you and tells you to mind your own business? End of friendship. Also, if your DP wasn't at the event how does he know what really happened? Relying on drunken friends to relate the 'truth' ...I don't think so, so whichever way you odds this it will be third hand by the time you tell, and it is a VERY dangerous thing to do!

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