AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

Deadwife and JonSnow. Sorry to tell you that I have not a clue what Gone Girl is. Besides the fact that you have told me it's a book. I have even less idea of what the 'cool wife attitude' might be. Is some social media movement ?
Not sure why you are so angry at my perspective. If just gives a different opinion and dials down the drama.
As for 'grow-up' - after a successful first marriage of over 25 yrs and 15 yrs into a very happy second marriage, I've pretty much done all the growing up I have space to do ! and coming from that perspective i wouldn't get into a drama about something that really has no effect on their lives. It was a meaningless drunken shag. Successful marriage is about picking your battles.

I do agree though - that now there is literally a baying pack of drama llamas around them and the OP is full of histrionics about not being able to meet her friend or 'look her in the eye' . Then the groom is better to fess up.

I wouldn’t because (A) you ate operating on
Heresay and not 100% knowledge and (b) it’s going to cause massive rumpus at your end

YemenRoadYemen
I don't know , could I ? Just because I have never got my head around why a ONS is something that people would dump an entire relationship, family life, children etc for .
An affair - absolutely. As an affair consists of constant and sustained lies. Spending of family money, and a betrayal of a level of emotional intimacy reserved between husband and wife. Whereas a ONS is a basic physical act where a man sticks his dick in some random woman's vagina. A woman that will have no impact on the family. Not cause a need for lies and subterfuge and generally have very little impact - except the possibility of STI if condoms aren't used.
Why accuse my opinion of being 'cool' in what I assume is some derogatory fashion. I could just as easily accuse your drama over this as 'square' - but that would really show my age. Instead I will stick with parochial (if we must resort to name calling about others opinions)

I probably wouldn’t say anything, but I would feel awful about the fact that I knew but didn’t say anything. Can you just imagine the wedding day.?The woman taking her vows , not knowing that people know about her partner’s indiscretion. If she ever finds out she will feel utterly betrayed.
I think that her DP should come clean tbh. The fact that he slept with a stranger and risked the health of his future bride just makes matter worse

You're talking about drama @smallereveryday. But then you're taking something I was concerned about dealing with, yes. But not something I've said or actually done and making out I'm causing drama, how does that work?
I've purposely not mentioned any of this to anyone in real life, so as not to add to the drama.

The groom to be fucked up and he knows it, far too many people know about it and there's photos flying around that he's got no control over. He's panicking now, but not because of me and Dp or anything we've said or done.

*Does the same go for the Hen too out of interest? A free pass for drunken sex and then sober oral or is that different?
*
** repeat question.

Making notes for future nuptials.*

Can you just imagine the wedding day.?The woman taking her vows , not knowing that people know about her partner’s indiscretion. If she ever finds out she will feel utterly betrayed.

I just don't get this at all.
As you say yourself 'partners indiscretion' . Have none of you slept with anyone before marriage or were you all passing yourselves off as virgins ?
At a wedding the vows clearly say ; FROM THIS DAY FORWARD...
nothing about ' and what we may have done in the past ' !

If he loves her as he should do and can vow to 'take no others from this day forward' - and her the same. Then what is the problem?

and coming from that perspective i wouldn't get into a drama about something that really has no effect on their lives. It was a meaningless drunken shag. Successful marriage is about picking your battles

No wonder you have successful marriages

How often do you allow your husband to sleep with other women?

Is he excused a drunken insignificant shag once a fortnight? Once a month?

smallereveryday - so by your logic it’s fine for long term cohabiting couples to cheat on each other because they aren’t married and therefore haven’t made the vow of commitment to each other?

Mike nailed it on page one. She'll marry him anyway and hate you forever. Stay well out of this.

My DP found out about a bloke shagging around when on a stag do, I don't know either of the couple but ten years later they have two kids and a fab life abroad (he has them on fb).

smallereveryday why are you concerned about the bride finding out? Surely she'll just say, "No probs, what goes on on tour, stays on tour. Boys will be boys!"?

Deadwife - I don't know . Perhaps if that is what the persons involve want. I always understood the ENTIRE point of a 'stag' was to run riot sexually . A sort of last supper of sexual abandon before the expected fidelity of marriage. Perhaps my views are just old fashioned now and the new meaning of Stag night is 'get hammered in Prague' . Each to their own - personally I'd prefer a cup of tea and an early night with Radio4 .

Until vows have been said no promises have been made. So none broken.

Flaverings
As you can see , I have already suggested that as the best course of action but from her fiancé. No one else's business.

Well there you go OP, it wasn't cheating because they aren't married yet.

Smallereveryday yes your views are old fashioned as women today demand a little bit more respect from their future husbands that they are not going to shag a bit of fluff just to get their end away (making the future wife feel inadequate that he had to go elsewhere)

He has risked an sti, infecting his future wife and potentially getting this other woman pregnant as the OP said that potentially a condom was not used when he eventually managed to get the end game.

Its a disgusting view that on a stag do it gives the groom a free pass to disrespect his future wife like that.

Of course some people are In open relationships and view sex as just that however both sides are normally in agreement and from what op has said I dont think this is one of those relationships.

Yes it was a one night stand, however when in a hangover state he allowed the woman to carry on the sexual pleasure, and that is where he went well over the line.

Oh and why the hell is the woman who went with him being let off when she most likely knew he was a stag, she should grow up and not mess up other peoples lives. Its disgusting. I would never have dreamed of flirting or trying to sleep with a stag. I doubt she was single either. Either that or he or his mates paid her.

Until vows have been said no promises have been made. So none broken

Just wow.

So a promise of love has no meaning until it is said in a ceremony?

I think smallereveryday we can safely say your views are a little out of step to the majority of posters on MN.

I am old. Most of my views are old-fashioned. I think that once a couple decide on exclusivity, they stick to that until they split up. A stag night is not an excuse for infidelity.

You're so pompous OP and enjoying every moment of this drama.

You're so pompous OP and enjoying every moment of this drama

Thoughtful and in depth comment that adds soooo much to the discussion.

Thank you.

Isn’t it supppsed to be something like 80% of threads on MN are fake??

I was cheated on and a close friend of mine knew it was happening well before i found out. I hated her after it all came out, she let me live a lie

Thoughtful and in depth comment that adds soooo much to the discussion. Thank you. You're welcome

How are you today Op? Did your hubby speak to cheating git last night?

My mind hasn't changed, look after you and your relationship. This guys screwed his own up, dont let his actions screw yours x

Isn’t it supppsed to be something like 80% of threads on MN are fake??"

Many threads on here are fake. Some people get a buzz out of posting fake drama. No idea why, must not have much of an life.

I find it funny OP is focusing on Smallereveryday posts when many other posters say the opposite.

Agree with @Ratatatouille

For gods sake you can't know something like this and allow her to risk her sexual health. Regardless of the relationship or marriage or whatever, she has a right to know she's potentially been exposed to std's first and foremost.