AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

Oh yes, I definitely understand that it would accomplish that. But it really wouldn't help the poor bride-to-be, I don't think.

I only suggested an anonymous letter so it doesn't have consequences for her dp friendship and also so it doesn't cause tension between her and dp.

Those motives are inherently selfish, and aren't in the best interests of the bride-to-be.

If I was your DH, I’d never tell you anything again

I don't think anyone would tell this OP anything if they knew that judgment, hell and damnation was about to descend on them!

But hey, she couldn't have it on her conscience.

Let he without sin cast the first stone.

The OP is obviously pure as the driven snow.

Calm down, love.

@Apoiads

This is easily your 15th+ comment and like your 6th in a row, many if which are quite aggressive and unduly insulting towards the OP. Perhaps that's your communication/forum style, I don't know. But honestly, you're coming across as a little obssessive, like you're being disproportionately triggered by the subject matter at hand.

I've been in a similar situation recently, my dh and I are friends with a couple connected to his friend group. But over the the last couple of years I've grown close to one of the gf's and would call her a friend.
I will say their relationship is 'dramatic' plenty of arguments over nothing and double standards. But I think they are just a bit similar to each other and the arguments seem to be over as quickly as they begin!
Recently though they had an argument after a few drinks, she kicked him out and the argument carried on for a couple of days. It turns out he went the pub, got drunk then slept with a girl. He regrets it apparently. Feels like shit about it but has no intention of saying anything!
He discussed it with my dh, who told me out if the blue when we were sat down watching tv. My response aside from what an arse and poor gf was 'omg - why the hell have you told me that? I too felt the weight of responsibility- should I tell her? I'd want to know etc etc..
We argued because he said it's nothing to do with us, and he told me what he considers a secret (although I hadn't asked to know it!) and that I would be betraying him. It would cause murder and we would be at the centre of it.
I have always been friendly with his mate - I thought better if him than that. My dh convinced me that it was a one off act that he regrets, so I eventually decided not to say anything,
I'm torn that it's the right decision, but they have a dc and I'm not sure it's my place to tear that apart especially IF it's just a one time mistake. I suppose only time will tell. But my dh has agreed not to share anything that puts us in a moral dilemma like this again. Simply put - I don't want to know!

I've been in a similar situation recently, my dh and I are friends with a couple connected to his friend group. But over the the last couple of years I've grown close to one of the gf's and would call her a friend.
I will say their relationship is 'dramatic' plenty of arguments over nothing and double standards. But I think they are just a bit similar to each other and the arguments seem to be over as quickly as they begin!
Recently though they had an argument after a few drinks, she kicked him out and the argument carried on for a couple of days. It turns out he went the pub, got drunk then slept with a girl. He regrets it apparently. Feels like shit about it but has no intention of saying anything!
He discussed it with my dh, who told me out if the blue when we were sat down watching tv. My response aside from what an arse and poor gf was 'omg - why the hell have you told me that? I too felt the weight of responsibility- should I tell her? I'd want to know etc etc..
We argued because he said it's nothing to do with us, and he told me what he considers a secret (although I hadn't asked to know it!) and that I would be betraying him. It would cause murder and we would be at the centre of it.
I have always been friendly with his mate - I thought better if him than that. My dh convinced me that it was a one off act that he regrets, so I eventually decided not to say anything,
I'm torn that it's the right decision, but they have a dc and I'm not sure it's my place to tear that apart especially IF it's just a one time mistake. I suppose only time will tell. But my dh has agreed not to share anything that puts us in a moral dilemma like this again. Simply put - I don't want to know!

Apoiads calm down dear

What a difficult position. I think I would want to make sure she knew. I would want to know as it would change my view of my partner.

What an absolute idiot! How could he do that to her! It’s one thing to have a bit of a snog on your stag, a completely different to have a shag and more. What a disgusting arsehole. And to bareback it as well! FFS, he put himself at risk and most likely her as well because he’s probably shagged her in the meantime🤬

How would you feel is a friend told you something in confidence, you told your DP in confidence and your DP told her fiancé?

Your DP will not only lose his confidence in you, but all his friends would lose their confidence in your DP.

I think telling her will backfire on you.

Have you even read where I said I wasn't saying anything @Apoiads? Or are you just getting off on being nasty?

I couldn’t begin to imagine the humiliation that woman will feel if/when she finds out, especially if it’s after the wedding. Knowing that all the blokes on his stag do, and I’d also imagine the respective partners, in her shoes, were at the wedding and watched you take your vows with someone who had cheated on you on his stag do. Let’s hope she doesn’t read the WhatsApp where they are joking about it. I’d be mortified and distraught. Maybe he thinks the blokes don’t know, but she’d feel the same regardless of who does or doesn’t know the details.

Your damned if you do, and damned if you don’t OP. You tell her and the friendship is ruined, she finds out another way, your friendship is ruined.

However in this case, and the fact you don’t know her that well, I’d stay out of it. If it was a close personal friend, and you knew her stance on wanting to know if her dh cheated then I’d prob say something.

It’s fucked the friendship anyway as you say you can’t play ‘happy’ with her, so you might as well step back and leave her to it. Poor woman is marrying an arse hat!

My god what a load of drama queens on here

So the groom went on his stag night and ended up in bed with some woman. Personally i would be disappointed but not entirely surprised as it's a Stag do. !

He has never met her before, will never meet her again . There was no emotion involved. Purely sex. The woman in question was simply a vessel for him to stick his penis in. Meh- couldn't get excited.
Cheating??? Hardly banging Tracy from the 5th floor whilst promising the earth . - behind Brides back !

You all sound about 17

I know plenty of couples that have had a 'what happens on your stag stays on your stag' free pass. As it's a one off situation.

No it's not your business to wreck her relationship and her wedding. The only one with a responsibility to tell her is the groom.

You sound very keen to wreck her wedding. Anything to do with the fact she is getting married and you aren't ?

Smallereveryday just because you don't consider sex without emotion to be significant enough to be cheating, doesn't mean others don't. Grow up.

And accusing OP of jealousy at getting married? ODFOD.

How do I sound keen to wreak her wedding exactly @smallereveryday?
And no not jealous at all, we get married next year but it's my Dp who's wanted that more than me, so maybe he's jealous of his friend getting in there first.
Or maybe we both just feel conflicted knowing something we wish we didn't about close friends.

He's apparently very worried himself that she'll find out or already suspects something and he's planning on telling her. My Dp said he thought that was probably better than her finding out some other way, but other than that he didn't say or suggest anything else to his friend.
But I've asked him not to tell me anything else his friend says or does and likewise if she comes to me, I won't tell my Dp what she says.

Smaller is heavily invested in the "cool girl/wife" attitude and has probably read Gone Girl 5 times.

Does the same go for the Hen too out of interest? A free pass for drunken sex and then sober oral or is that different?

Ironically threads like these remind people why they don't want to risk marriage or get remarried.

So your antennae's totally batshit there too.

I think it's worrying that the whole friendship group knows but she doesn't, that's really cruel, nobody has her back? Can you really trust any of them, your DP included?

Of course you should tell her, do you even need to ask?

So OP and her partner have decided to turn the other way and allow her 'friend' to marry this man non the wiser.

If this happened to me, I would cut out all the people who knew about the cheating and did not bother to tell me.

I feel sorry for that poor women...imagine getting married to a cheater surrounded by people who are aware of what he has done. How embarrassing.

What a sham.

Steps back in total aweness of smalleveryday - I mean, like, woah, could you be any cooler??