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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
feelingsinister · 11/04/2019 18:26

I'm really confused about the attitudes on here to infidelity. Man cheats on his wife and every screams kick him out, he'll never change etc but apparently it's ok to have a one night stand on your stag do.

Tell the poor woman or make sure someone does. How fucking humiliating would it be to be to find out all his mates and their partners knew and no-one said anything. She really does deserve to make an informed choice about whether to marry this bloke and whether she should have unprotected sex with him!
He might never do this again and be the perfect husband, who knows but she still has the right to decide what she does.

Another thing to consider is that other people know and it could get back to her anyway so it's not as if this is a secret that won't ever come out.

2birds1stone · 11/04/2019 18:29

A few quotes from a church wedding that will be said or agreed to

"It is given that as man and woman grow together in love and trust, they shall be united with one another in heart, body and mind"

"Marriage is a sign of unity and loyalty
which all should uphold and honour."

"N, will you take N to be your wife?
Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her,and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?" ( to be fair it's only this point he promises to forsake all others)

"I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body I honour you,all that I am I give to you and all that I have I share with you"

I am not sure what wording is in a registry but I guess the sentiment is the same

In a nutshell as someone else said he is entering a legally binding contract but technically the vow to not sleep around comes on that day and not before.

And the quote about knowing any reason that is actually legal reasons, so if either are already married etc and in a church the person with objection should tell the vicar or priest before the wedding otherwise it probably wouldn't stand (which is what our vicar told us) which is why in church weddings banns are read for 3 weeks prior to the wedding so time is given for someone to object.

However if I knew my fiance had slept with someone before our wedding I wouldn't be marrying him as the trust would be gone.

CryptoFascist · 11/04/2019 18:59

There are some real selfish cowardly opinions on this thread.

So what if the op gets the blame, somehow, for this man cheating?
Personally I'd rather be the shot messenger than complicit in keeping this dirty secret.

This is someone's life we're talking about. If you would be happy to marry someone who could cheat at the time they're supposed to be focusing on you and your future, then fine. You can't assume this bride would be. As it's a few months before the wedding, it may give them time to reconcile. But she needs to know.

hardyboys · 11/04/2019 19:04

I actually think it's really unfair of your husband to have asked you not to say anything.

What if they're trying for a baby on honeymoon and he's caught some STI from the one night stand?

I'd say something and be pretty annoyed at my husband for assuming I'd do anything other than that.

hardyboys · 11/04/2019 19:06

Oh, just read further down the thread about the protection issue. She definitely has a right to know.

BlackPrism · 11/04/2019 19:15

I would want to know who I was tying my life to. Just don't judge her if she chooses to marry anyway.

BlackPrism · 11/04/2019 19:17

If he's a good guy he'll tell her himself

Drogosnextwife · 11/04/2019 19:25

my opinion on whether it was a one off and less damaging to not tell her, v a serial cheat thing.

Who died and made you god of their relationship?
Why would you think your opinion on how "damaging" it is would matter?

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 11/04/2019 19:26

Thank you for the replies. I know it's quite an emotional subject but I do appreciate both sides of it and am taking things on board.

I've thought a lot today and I really don't know how she'll act or if she'd rather know or not. It's difficult I've two friends from school, one who I know hand on heart would want to know if it was even a kiss and god help the guy once she knew. The other I know would rather not, unless it was ongoing. This friend I don't know, I'm basing it on what I'd prefer and that's to know and get rid but I've to remember that might not be what she'd prefer.

Dp is out with him now, so I'm going to see what he says when he gets in.

OP posts:
AhhhHereItGoes · 11/04/2019 19:44

Very measured and reasonable OP.

We all see things through our own eyes and why wouldn't we?

I hope he tells her. If he genuinely feels guilty perhaps it was just a stupid decision he made - only time will tell.

FWIW I think your partner sounds nice. Protective of his friend but also willing to back his partner up. Yes he may have put you in an awkward position but he likely didn't see it as such - he likely was confused/shocked and feels comfortable enough with you to just say.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 11/04/2019 20:36

It’s a horrible situation for you, but you seem to very reasonable to consider both sides.

I have been in your position and held my tongue when my DH told me as I didn’t know the woman at all, but equally have told a friend when I was told by my DH (at his request). I did loose the closeness with the friend as she stayed with the guy, we’re friends again several years later once she got rid of the (looser) guy.

I do tell my DH not to tell me about anything that happens with a certain couple as I WILL tell his partner as she’s my close friend.

You and your partner do sound like a good team and I’m glad he would support you in your decision. Good luck with the situation

TheTrollFairy · 11/04/2019 20:46

Gah! It’s so hard because I’m 50/50 and this is partially because I don’t know if I would want to know under these circumstances (1 off) but then there is the argument that he could do it again.
I think the thing that is swaying me to think you should say something is the fact that he wasn’t drunk through it all was he. He woke up in the morning and did ‘stuff’ which means his remorse didn’t reach him until he had got what he wanted.

This thread is making me glad that me and DP don’t share any real joined friends

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 11/04/2019 20:52

Thank you @MrsGrannyWeatherwax . Honestly it's so hard because I'm so angry with him. She's so lovely, a really genuine lovely person, smart, funny and beautiful to boot and he's so bloody lucky to have her and I just keep thinking you absolute fucking idiot.
And he's such a cliche he's actually stood in my kitchen taking the piss out of his colleagues who've behaved similar and then he goes and does it himself.
I always really thought he was one of the good guys.

OP posts:
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 11/04/2019 20:57

it’s disappointing and upsetting isn’t it! He probably doesn’t deserve her, and he will either realise how much he stands to loose and never do it again, or continue to cheat until she finds out.... sending hugs!

Delegator · 11/04/2019 21:05

I can't think of anything worse for that poor woman than a group of guests at her WEDDING knowing that her fiancée had been unfaithful and no one having the balls to tell her. Completely embarrassing and humiliating

^This

I posted earlier about my DH’s friend.
Everyone knew, no one had told her. I still regret not telling her but it was my own marriage & our entire friendship circle that it would have damaged. The wedding was awful because everyone knew Sad

YemenRoadYemen · 11/04/2019 21:37

It's not even as if he just cheated, which is deal-breaker enough.

It's the level of detail he's shared with multiple people - a photo of the woman, the fact that she gave him a blow job - sober - the next morning, on top of possibly unprotected sex the night before.

I mean, fucking hell.

Just why send a photo to a group chat, and provide that level of detail to so many people (plus partners), if you're not an unmitigated cunt? Confused

Or you want to be found out?

YemenRoadYemen · 11/04/2019 21:44

It's the absolute arrogance of just assuming - taking for complete granted - that everyone will naturally take your side, protect you, cover up and lie for you.

That you unquestioningly have the steadfast loyalty of everyone.

Pretty breath-taking.

WifOfBif · 11/04/2019 21:50

Yemen has it spot on.

He’s not sorry, or he wouldn’t be bragging posting about it in a group chat.

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 11/04/2019 22:26

To be fair to him @YemenRoadYemen he didn't post the photo one of his work friends did, he didn't say anything at all in the group chat. And he's only told my Dp the details.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 11/04/2019 23:19

I would want to know.

And I would tell if it were my friend.

BitOfFun · 11/04/2019 23:31

So what's the plan now? Did they discuss it?

MattFreisWeatherReport · 11/04/2019 23:40

God, what's wrong with all the people on this thread telling OP to mind her own business? There are no circumstances in which I'd keep it to myself and let this poor woman go through with getting married when half the guests there will know her fiance cheated on her only a month or so before the wedding. If she finds out any other way she'll know they knew and didn't tell her. What a complete humiliation! Why wouldn't you kindly and gently tell her the truth and let her make her own decision? Given the precise situation, I can't believe any woman would rather be kept in the dark about this. An awful thing to be told, but way, way more awful not to be told.

Raspberrytruffle · 12/04/2019 00:38

Send an anonymous letter

BitOfFun · 12/04/2019 00:58

I disagree- to be told anonymously would be horrible. You would just assume somebody hated you and didn't want you to be happy. But it would drive a nasty suspicious wedge into your relationship. It's no better than a poison pen letter.

Raspberrytruffle · 12/04/2019 01:05

@Bitoffun I only suggested an anonymous letter so it doesn't have consequences for her dp friendship and also so it doesn't cause tension between her and dp.

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