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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 16:21

DH’s “duty” to an old friend doesn’t outweigh both his and OP’s ethical responsibility to share the horrible info with the bride to be.

Windowsareforcheaters · 11/04/2019 16:27

I'm aligning myself with her boyfriend, the ops boyfriend

And in that vein - keep your mouth shut and don't dump crap on other people if you have already made your mind up. If you want the information kept secret, keep it a secret and don't use emotional blackmail to make your girlfriend keep quiet.

"Oh I trusted you and now your breaking my confidence"

This isn't the play ground there are serious issues here a life long commitment to a lying, unfaithful, liar. Did I mention your friend is a liar?

peepholepringle · 11/04/2019 16:44

There's no doubt that I'd want to know in this situation.
The poor woman could end up catching anything from her cheating "D"P let alone be a laughing stock within his work circle.
There's a couple of posters on this thread with incredibly low standards. How sad!

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/04/2019 16:49

Its actually in the words of the ceremony!.....if any person here present knows of any reason etc....speak now or forever hold your peace!

Marriage is a serious legal contract ffs. Morals aside why the hell should that poor woman be bound to that scumbag legally? Would anyone here advocating keeping quiet like to find themselves as party to a legal contract/under certain certain legal obligations without being told the full terms and conditions up front? Hmm

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 16:54

Or worse, have DC with him.

fancynancyclancy · 11/04/2019 16:55

She has the right to know so she can make an informed choice about her future with this man. I agree but I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the op to inform her.

All this talk of how can you go to the wedding & watch her be humiliated is a bit extreme. If she finds out & goes ahead with the wedding she will likely still feel humiliated.

Windowsareforcheaters · 11/04/2019 16:58

Its actually in the words of the ceremony!.....if any person here present knows of any reason etc....speak now or forever hold your peace!

Ohhhhhh that's a good point, I hadn't thought of that. Perhaps someone will stand up and shout that the lying, liar is lying when he takes his vows.

Exhausted18 · 11/04/2019 17:04

If my DP expected me to keep this from our mutual friend who could quite possibly be making the worst mistake of her life, I would not be one bit impressed with him and I would be less impressed if he tried to emotionally blackmail me into keeping quiet. Who the fuck does he think he is??

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 17:09

Why isn’t it OP’s responsibility? She’s friends with the bride to be.

fancynancyclancy · 11/04/2019 17:15

How many people have seen this scenario played out amongst family & friends? 90% of the time the messanger gets the blame & all the shit.

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 17:17

That’d be fine. OP has already decided to cut off the bride, as she finds it stressful thinking about withholding the information from her. Doesn’t sound like there are many other mutual friends.

fancynancyclancy · 11/04/2019 17:25

Except the OPs husband who is the grooms best friend? Will they just do couple things without the OP?

blondiehip · 11/04/2019 17:26

I would lie to your partner and say fine I won't say anything. Then I would leave it a week and then tell her anomalsly some how and fake ignorance when it comes out

keepingspiritsup · 11/04/2019 17:34

I can't think of anything worse for that poor woman than a group of guests at her WEDDING knowing that her fiancée had been unfaithful and no one having the balls to tell her. Completely embarrassing and humiliating
What if he had unprotected sex with her - she has a right to know who she is marrying and a right to protect herself from any STIs
Please tell her x

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 17:48

How many people have seen this scenario played out amongst family & friends? 90% of the time the messanger gets the blame & all the shit

I'd say it was more than 90 percent.

And telling her anonymously is shit. Because she will suspect everyone, he will deny it, and she simply won't know either way.

How many times have we seena. Thread on here where someone gets an anonymous message telling them. The overwhelming response is don't believe it, it's a shit stirrer and ask for proof. Then just ignore it.

Telling anonymously just leads the female friend to be uncertain as to what rhe fuck is going on, did he cheat or is someone shit stirring and trying to damage their relationship. And who was it. It's highly unlikely to lead to her leaving and will just cause the woman concerned pain.

Unless of course that's the objective, which is I suspect what's behind some of these posts urging the op on.

AhhhHereItGoes · 11/04/2019 17:56

The only person to blame here is the cheater.

He may have done a morally dubious thing but it's likely he will have to live with his guilt as well as looking over his shoulder worried people will spill the beans.

The OP isn't to blame because it's not her life she would be effecting. Ideally, the cheater would own up and let his future wife decide for herself. But we often forget as intelligent as we are, we are still animals. Sometimes we act despicably. Circumstances, intoxication, environment all play a factor.

This isn't to say it's OK, but it is what it is. Pretending we all have the moral high ground is disingenuous. Perhaps this man will decide he will no longer consume large amounts of alcohol when not at home as he doesn't trust himself.

The OP feels it's out of character for him so it doesn't seem like he went out seeking infidelity. But neither does it mean he will not nor should not be judged. People will judge him and that's completely on his back only.

I don't know what I'd do in this situation as it would depend so much on many factors. But I know I'd judge him and I'd also be there if she needed someone to talk to.

I once at 17 got called up by a friend who was on his stag and also one of his friends saying 'if X asks/calls we have not been to a strip club'. Then proceeded to tell me they were just about to go in. Why they needed to tell me/ask I don't know as if she had called I'd just have said I have no idea, which would've been true.

She did call and I said that her husband and said friend had asked me to say they hadn't gone to one but I said I have no idea if they did or were just covering their backs.

Both the guys were shitty with me but no fucks were given. Do something morally ambiguous on your own back but don't expect me to collude in it.

They divorced 3 years later and I still speak to both of them.

DeadWife · 11/04/2019 18:04

Bluntness surely most people would be wanting to help their friend avoid hurt in the long term and that;s why they'd tell them, not to hurt them, as a friend of theirs? I don't get your thinking. Strikes me as sticking your head in the sand and hoping for the best. I'm another who'd want to know.

As soon as I knew about it I'd lose all desire for them anyway, so be unable to contract any STI.

It's an invidious situation for the OP and her partner but concealing it benefits who exactly? Cui bono - the groom of course and he fucking lost my sympathy from the first post.

Ratatatouille · 11/04/2019 18:09

It would depend on many things...my opinion on whether it was a one off and less damaging to not tell her

Give me strength. How on earth is this not “playing God”?? You think you have the right to decide what your mates’ boundaries should be or whether or not you feel something would or wouldn’t be damaging to their relationship? So warped.

The reason the cheating childhood friend story is irrelevant is because you were not asking your partner to collude in the dishonesty by continuing a close friendship with the cheat’s partner (including attending their hen do and wedding) whilst all the while knowing that they had been betrayed and it was fairly public knowledge.

RainbowFox · 11/04/2019 18:10

I can't think of anything worse for that poor woman than a group of guests at her WEDDING knowing that her fiancée had been unfaithful and no one having the balls to tell her. Completely embarrassing and humiliating

Agree, and not only that but he did it on his own stag do!!

Catsinthecupboard · 11/04/2019 18:12

I didn't tell 2 friends that their bf's were cheaters. They took great delight in informing me of my bf's cheating.

My bf told me to absolutely not to tell them.

I never told either one. Decades ago.

I am happily married to dh whom i met after being dumped by old cheating bf.

They are divorced from their "monogamous" bf's.

I don't know the right answer. I don't think that there IS one.

outpinked · 11/04/2019 18:14

If she were my friend, I’d tell her. Not to stir things or make her life miserable but to protect her from this happening once legally bound to the twat.

Confusedbeetle · 11/04/2019 18:15

This is not your business. She would hate you, especially if she decided to marry him anyway. Dont judge someone elses relationships. He might make an excellent husband

RainbowFox · 11/04/2019 18:18

He might make an excellent husband

Grin yeah right!

TulipsTulipsTulips · 11/04/2019 18:19

If this was a distant friend I would not get involved. But if it was a close friend I would not be able to keep my mouth shut. I think I would confront the fiance to see if he would own up. This is such a tough one.

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 18:24

In what ways did your friends “take great delight” in telling you your BF had cheated, catsinthecupboard?

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