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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
Apoiads · 11/04/2019 14:25

Windowsareforcheaters - given your username, is there any remote chance that you're projecting here?

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 14:26

In my world, and this has occurred, if my best friend who I had known since I was a child, told me she had slept with someone else on a drunken one night stand, I would listen to her,give my advice where she wanted it, but I would absolutely not threaten or blackmail her into telling her husband or I would. I would respect her judgement and her confidence and let her decide how to handle her own marriage,

I am beyond shocked that peoole think in some way this makes me a bad friend, but so be it. That's my world. I would not do it and I would shun anyone who would.

Windowsareforcheaters · 11/04/2019 14:29

Windowsareforcheaters - given your username, is there any remote chance that you're projecting here?

It's a lyric from a song.

Windowsareforcheaters · 11/04/2019 14:30

So are you and your best friend Amish then and do they shun you for using technology?

IndieTara · 11/04/2019 14:42

Op Id Def want to know

Apoiads · 11/04/2019 14:56

Bluntness, except this guy confided in his best friend, and said friend couldn't keep his trap shut so had to blab the whole shebang to his pious girlfriend.............

Apoiads · 11/04/2019 14:57

OP - does this mean anything to you?

'It's not your secret to tell'?

YemenRoadYemen · 11/04/2019 15:13

In my world, and this has occurred, if my best friend who I had known since I was a child, told me she had slept with someone else on a drunken one night stand, I would listen to her,give my advice where she wanted it, but I would absolutely not threaten or blackmail her into telling her husband or I would. I would respect her judgement and her confidence and let her decide how to handle her own marriage,

This is what I would do too, because my loyalty is first and foremost to my best friend.

But what's this scenario got to do with the price of fish?

We're not talking about a cheating friend, we're talking about a cuckolded friend who's about to walk down the aisle.

SmileEachDay · 11/04/2019 15:15

pious girlfriend.............

Wow.

Crazyladee · 11/04/2019 15:23

Your DP has put you in a terrible position. He is not exactly blameless in all this as he shouldn't expect the bride's best mate to keep a secret like that. He shouldn't have told you. Did you promise him you wouldn't repeat it before or after he told you the news? Because if my DH told me something like that I would tell him straightaway that there's no way I can keep the poor bride to be in the dark.

I'd you're sure it's correct and he did have a one night stand, I'd have no choice but to tell her. But perhaps anonymously if you don't feel you can handle the shit storm that would come from it.

RainbowFox · 11/04/2019 15:35

In my world, and this has occurred, if my best friend who I had known since I was a child, told me she had slept with someone else on a drunken one night stand, I would listen to her,give my advice where she wanted it, but I would absolutely not threaten or blackmail her into telling her husband or I would. I would respect her judgement and her confidence and let her decide how to handle her own marriage,

You've got this the wrong way round Blutness. This isn't the situation the OP is in.

Out of curiosity, if you found out your best friend's husband had cheated on her, are you saying you would not tell her because you trust his judgement how to handle his marriage? And if years down the line your best friend found out you knew all along, how do you think she would feel?

If you were my best friend and didn't tell me then absolutely, I would not consider you a friend at all and you would be out of my life for good as you would have betrayed me just as much as my husband.

Not quite sure how that makes me a nutter though Hmm

Ratatatouille · 11/04/2019 15:38

On what planet is it the ops decision she should be told, and not her partners. Who died and made the op thr god of their relarionship?

Why the fuck would it be a cheating partner’s decision whether his fiancée deserves to know what he’s done? Because he has her best interests at heart? Hmm

It’s the wife-to-be’s decision whether she wants to marry a man who has shagged someone else (twice) without protection. Her decision. The only way she can make this decision is if her friends stop withholding the information from her. Telling her what they know does not exert control at all - what has happened has happened, and she and her partner will still be the ones to decide whether their relationship can survive it. On the other hand, by refusing to allow the wife-to-be the knowledge of what her partner has done, her friends are taking complete control and unilaterally deciding that marrying a cheat who risks her health and risks a pregnancy with another woman is perfectly fine for her without allowing her to make that choice for herself. I just don’t get how you can flip it around any other way. It is not logical. Yes you can argue that it’s best to stay out of it to preserve the friendship or because you feel there’s not enough proof or whatever but this nonsense about how telling someone the truth before they make a huge legal commitment is “playing God” just does not stand up to scrutiny. I’m definitely another one who is glad you’re not my mate Bluntness and can’t say I’d shed too many tears if you “shunned” me for trying to prevent a friend from stepping off a cliff.

Ratatatouille · 11/04/2019 15:39

Also the example about the childhood friend who cheated is totally irrelevant and not at all comparable.

RainbowFox · 11/04/2019 15:39

They're our closest couple friends and I'm really upset thinking about potentially losing that friendship

I actually think this is a selfish reason not to tell. There is always a risk that the messenger ends up in the firing line but honestly, I would rather live with losing a friendship knowing I had been honest than knowingly turn a blind eye and betray a friend. The latter is not actually a great basis for a true friendship.

Alsohuman · 11/04/2019 15:48

Well, OP, if you tell her the friendship will definitely be gone. The messenger will be well and truly shot.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 15:49

You've got this the wrong way round Blutness. This isn't the situation the OP is in

I don't think I Have got it the wrong way round , this is the position her boyfriend is in, the exact same position, and I can only put myself in his shoes as I did. He is planning to join forces with the op and blackmail and threaten his friend to tell. I simply would not do that to a lifelong friend. And he's planning to do it to him at the ops urging. I wouldn't do that to a friend and I wouldn't ask my husband to.

As to whether I would tell my best friend if I found out her husband cheated, I can't say a simple yes or no. It would depend on many things, from would she wish to know, what context he cheated, the damage it would do me telling, his views on the matter, my opinion on whether it was a one off and less damaging to not tell her, v a serial cheat thing.

So really it would depend on the people and circumstances. I have one friend who would not wish to know. I have another friend who probably wouldn't care, and another friend, I'm not sure if deep down she would wish to know and be forced to deal with it, so it really is situation dependent, I don't believe this is a straight yes or no situation.

Ledkr · 11/04/2019 15:50

This happened to friends of ours and I didn't say anything as they are more dh friends than mine.
However. I felt really sad at the wedding watching her marry a cheating arsehole and trying to be all romantic when half of is knew what he'd done.😳

YemenRoadYemen · 11/04/2019 15:54

Bluntness - your entire focus of this thread has been projecting your own situation, and aligning yourself with the 'cheater' as your friend.

Only seemingly now, nearly 300 posts in, are you even considering what you might do in the OP's actual shoes, which is as the friend of the person who has been cheated on.

How odd.

Drogosnextwife · 11/04/2019 15:56

There is honestly not a single self respecting person in this world that wouldn't want to know if their future husband had cheated.

I actually can not believe that someone is saying it would all depend on circumstance whether they would tell their best friend their husband was a cheat. Ffs, that's hardly being a friend now is it?

YemenRoadYemen · 11/04/2019 16:01

In the OP's position, I would be fucking livid.

For doing this to my friend, and for putting me in the position of either having to tell her. Or, alternatively, making me be his protector. Be the cheating person's protector.

Of being forced to prioritise the cheating person's wishes, future happiness and wellbeing - over my actual best friend, who has done nothing wrong.

YemenRoadYemen · 11/04/2019 16:03

...and then her potentially coming to me down the line and saying, 'you knew. Why didn't you tell me? Why is he more important to you than me?'

Yes, I would be furious with him, and any relationship with him would be over.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 16:04

I'm aligning myself with her boyfriend, the ops boyfriend. She didn't find out from some random, she found out from her partner. Whose friend trusted him and whom he has known from childhood.

I really don't care how many people would force their husbands to do as the op is wishing her partner to do. I don't care how many people could put themselves in their partners shoes and still do it to their friend. I would not. It really is that simple and I would not wish to be friends with anyone who abused a confidence and blackmailed their friend into an action they did not wish to undertake following that confidence.

baileys6904 · 11/04/2019 16:05

I think OP and her DP are getting unnecessary shite here. My DP and I are a team. He tells me things. I tell him things. Neither of us do it to get the other on a crappy position. We do it to offload, to keep our relationship better than the ones that lie. My loyalty is to him over someone that I've been shopping with a few times.

Dont get me wrong, I'd feel icky and would wait to pick up the pieces but it wouldn't be me firing the shots.

The DP had this info second hand. Who knows, the groom could have been bigging himself up and actually reduced himself to brewers droop. Still not the best situation, but not a cheating one.

No ones going to win in this situation, but I would, very selfishly, look after mine.

OP I do feel sorry you're in this situation.i think on MN it's easy for members to take the moral high ground and give the ' correct' answers. They're not the ones that have to live with the consequences and life really isn't that black and white.

Whatever you decide, make sure your DP is fully on board. Dont let someone else actions ruin 2 relationships

boomboom1234 · 11/04/2019 16:05

I think your priority in this is your husband so I think you have to say nothing otherwise you break his confidence and trust. Horrible horrible situation though.

SunshineCake · 11/04/2019 16:06

So why didn't you tell her KitnCaboodle?

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