To refuse to lend my friend money?

[Jenasaurus]

I met my friend a year ago, we worked together and clicked, she is in her late 30s and I’m in my early 50s, she lives with her DH and DS many miles from both their families and I got the feeling she say me as a sort of fill in mum. I babysat for her DS, who even called me Nannyjenasauraus. We spent most lunch times together at work and confided in each other about lots of things. Things however have changed since my DM died last year.

I have inherited a large sum of money and this seems to have caused an issue between my friend and I. My friend has just purchased a brand new 4 bedroomed detached house in a nice area, her DS goes to an expensive nursery and her DH earns over 50K a year but she has recently started asking to borrow money from me.

She has left the place we both worked at and now has a well-paid job close to where she lives. We met a couple of months ago for a meal and she brought up that it was my pay day the following day, she asked if she could borrow £100 as she was going away at the weekend and hadn’t budgeted correctly, she promised to pay me back when she got paid 4 days later…but her pay day came and went and no money arrived.
I wrote this off, but then she asked me for £13,000 and said she would pay me back. She had a loan and was paying a lot of interest on it, so she wanted me to pay it off and instead she would pay me a monthly amount. I said I wasn’t sure as I have most of my money tied up and have 3 grown up children who I wanted to be able to help financially with house moves etc. She then asked for a lesser amount of £3500 and would repay me at £20 a month.
I kept avoiding the subject and in the end blocked her number and on social media as it was awkward and embarrassing. I did/do like her and before I had this inheritance our relationship was lovely. Anyway she managed to contact me by work email and said she hoped she hadn’t upset me and that she missed me. So I started chatting to her again and unblocked her number etc…now today, she has said “I hate to ask but you have always been so good to me before, I am unable to extend my overdraft and I desperately need some money”…I was amazed, 1 couple of days in and she is back to asking for money again! Should I just walk away or tell her in plain terms that I am unable to lend her any money. She did repay £25 of the £100 I lent her in the end but I wouldn’t have minded her keeping that to help her out, but it was a red flag if she can’t repay a £100 how could she repay £3000+?
Despite the inheritance I only early £20k a year and live alone, so really can’t give away the money my mum left me, I really believe my mum would want this to benefit her grandchildren and be upset if I lent it like this.
So as not to drip feed, my friend told me a lot of information about her life, including the fact her DH smokes a packet of cigarettes a day and a bottle of wine a night, in addition when the purchased their home my friend immediately paid out to get all the hallway retiled despite it being brand new and freshly decorated, this is one of the reasons I was hesitant to lend the money, if it was for her or her family to keep a roof over their heads or eat, then yes I would but this is different, so why do I feel guilty?

She’s taking advantage and you should absolutely not lend her money. she’s been so bad already I would block her number tbh

I wonder why some people feel so entitled to others money? Similar's happened to me OP, asking for similar sums your greedy friend asked for at first, then asking for smaller amounts when I've told them no. Now I cringe every time they tell me about something expensive happening to them.

She's doing a ponzi scheme of sorts. Money she borrows from you is going to pay off others she feels more pressure to repay. It's like using one credit card to pay off another.

Woah...cut her out of your life...permanently...& don't look back! End of story. And get the rest of your £100 back!!

Not at all. Play cards close to your chest OP. Lesson here is you cannot anticipate how ppl will react to and process your news. She sounds grabby. I wouldn't have the balls to ask my friend of 40 years for money. That way madness and infuriation lie x

I will go against the opinion in this thread and say you should lend her the money. Of course you should slap on an extortionate interest rate and get your mate Big Vern to collect payments on a weekly basis. You then will be well on your way to building a loan shark empire

OP. You must feel hurt and let down but rest assured it's not you, it's her. I think she probably did see you as a mother figure and you living alone - what else would you spend your money but her. Your children and their future are irrelevant to her as she would try to gnaw away until it was all gone.

The fact she admitted being ghosted by a former friend for asking loan proves you are not the only one. I agree life is probably littered these loans.

Dust yourself down OP. I agree with the others, write the 75.00 and go back.to blocking her. You offered her the hand of friendship and was blinded by coins.

No, no and no. A dear friend of mine was approached by an old school friend of hers for loans of a few hundred pounds which were paid back. Queue the request for a loan of about £14k. They had been living way above their means on the never never with the wife not working and her husband in a well paid job. Luxury cars, goods and rental homes etc. An agreement of sorts was drawn up with a payment plan. After a few months no further money came. Cue uncomfortable conversations, emotional bribery from the borrower and threats of legal action from the lender. After years this still hasn't been repaid and the borrower is using her old friendship with the person as some sort of blackmail, or that is how my friend perceives it. My friend has now had to get another full time job as she lives very frugally and the lent money along with her pension would have lasted her several years. No friend does this or asks to borrow that amount of money. If lent, it will never be seen again. Block everything but tell her why. These people have skin so thick they make rhino skin look like filo pastry.

Never loan what you cannot afford to loose.

And it doesn’t sound like she’s much of a friend, she’s taking advantage of your previous generosity etc if you did feel like loaning I’d be getting a legal contract drawn up stipulating she must repay by X date.

Much simpler to just get rid of a non-friend.

I once had a 'friend' who asked to borrow $200. The story was she had her purse stolen. I lent the money but it became clear over the next few days that the story wasn't true.

I was very uncomfortable with the money being owed, and kept asking for it repeatedly until I got it back.

We went NC for other reasons and I later discovered she's a professional scam artist, compulsive liar, in trouble with the police and a bit mentally unstable.

Glad you did not lend the money. Hope you can also get this 'friend' out of your life!

A real friend would never ask you for money like that. She is a user. If she is so skint suggest to her that she moves to a smaller house to release some equity.

£3500 repaid at £20 per month would take 14.5 years to pay back, but she will never repay a penny of it.
Do you really need to ask, she's a freeloader who is just after your money. Kick her to to kerb.

The drop of the request from £13,000 to £3500 is also a classic ... the point being to find the break point for what someone will lend, take it and then come back for the rest in increasing slices

What does CF stand for?

nope, not a chance
from watching Judge Rinder and Judy, both say if you lend someone money and they dont repay you, and then you keep lending money then you have effectively forgiven the debt and are giving them free money, even if you had repayment agreements clearly written out with dates amounts and repayments etc, once you lend more after the first amount, that is not paid back they cant legally make them pay you back... sad but its what they say

No. You are saving for a big purchase / you have already invested it in savings accounts for family / you’ve already spent it / you’ve not been repaid for the last loan / just plain NO.

The cheeky cow. She’s not a friend and she should be embarrassed to ask for huge amounts more when she can’t even repay a small amount. Large sums like that are something you borrow from a bank, not from a friend who hasn’t even offered to lend it.

As the old saying goes never mix business with pleasure, I would just cut her off and block all contact with her and I wouldn't even give her the title of friend. A friend would never try and take your good fortune. And like you said you need it for your own living expenses and hopefully to be able to help your own children.

This is ludicrous. Of course you shouldn't lend her any money - why are you even questioning yourself here?

Ask her to repay the £75 that she owes you. If she doesn't give it back (which it sounds like she won't) I would never speak to her again. She isn't your friend anymore, she's just using you. Stop questioning yourself, this whole situation is absurd.

IchibanLipstickForMen CF stands for Cheeky Fucker.

@mckenzie you are quoting Hamlet. “The character Polonius counsels his son Laertes before he embarks on his visit to Paris. He says, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; / For loan oft loses both itself and friend.” It means do not lend or borrow money from a friend, because if you do so, you will lose both your friend and your money.”

Bin her off. She is pulling a fast one. You got through life ok without having her as a friend for 50 odds years so you can cut all ties from her and carry on without her once again.

Text her & say you don't want her asking to borrow any more money off you, you won't lend it & you don't like her keep asking & say you want your £75 that she still owes you.

I would just write off the£75 she owes you and never have anything to do with her again ,it doesn't matter how much money you have,it's yours to do with as you wish I hate borrowing money I would only ever borrow off my parents who are comfortable and I pay it back and it's only ever small amounts ,who asks a friend of a year for£13,000??I was at a party a couple of weeks ago it was a selling type party I didn't have money for an item my friend offered to pay it for me it was £15, I paid it back four days later!

I'd consider yourself lucky that you learned a £75 lesson, not a £3000+ one. It is beyond me why anyone would lend a person that amount of money.

Please block her again she is not your friend I am very sorry. You have your retirement and children to think of. Please use this time to make another friend.