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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

412 replies

WhyReschedule · 08/04/2019 16:10

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? Blush I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

OP posts:
LizB62A · 09/04/2019 00:42

If i was your friend, you'd be an ex-friend now
Very intrusive and nosey....

64sNewName · 09/04/2019 00:45

@sh13 If you truly can’t imagine how mortifying and unsettling some people might find it to imagine a ‘friend’ in their absence going over their personal stuff, assessing it and focusing on their dirt/grime/clutter, then I’d say you have an empathy shortage too. Laugh away, though.

I would never in a million years do this to someone I wanted to support. I’d bloody ask first if I truly thought help with cleaning might be welcome. It’s not rocket science to consider that others might have feelings and reactions unlike your own, and to check with them before rifling through their ironing pile. It’s basic respect.

PerspicaciaTick · 09/04/2019 00:56

Your friend,very gently, let you know that you had overstepped her boundaries and you think she is rude?

memaymamo · 09/04/2019 06:14

I would be VERY upset if you did this to me. First, the implied judgement that my house is unbearably messy. Second, the mortification that you touched my dirty clothes especially if there were pants in there.

Glad you apologised.. now you know that she's not one of those people who would be grateful for the gesture.

IAmNotAWitch · 09/04/2019 06:22

Probably a bit rude for normal people.

However, I am not normal so please feel free to watch my kids and clean my house randomly any time.

NONE of my friends adore cleaning the selfish buggers.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 09/04/2019 07:05

Your friend is rude.

I don't think cleaning her house was the best idea but there are a million ways your friend could have asserted her boundaries without that piss poor message. Eg:

I understand you were trying to be helpful but I'm afraid I feel uncomfortable that you've cleaned my house. If you're happy to watch dd again I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't do it next time. Thank you for the help, I know you meant well.

You were there watching her dd as a favour. She could at least soften her reply to you.

Ihatehashtags · 09/04/2019 07:10

I would have been ecstatic!! My lovely SIL did this for me when I had been away and got really ill and ended up
In hospital. I came back to an absolutely spotless house. I was so grateful. I think your friend is being an ungrateful bitch.

MaggieAndHopey · 09/04/2019 07:17

It doesn't really matter how anyone on here would feel if you cleaned their house. It matters how your friend felt - since she's the one whose feelings you're supposed to care about. Now that you've apologised hopefully you'll be able to get over your own ruffled feathers and all will be well again between you.

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 09/04/2019 07:20

The cleaning would annoy me but I would be more concerned that the time was spent cleaning instead of looking after the child.

CupoTeap · 09/04/2019 07:27

I think we ought to talk about this in person, you come to my house, I will provide lunch though I may have to pop out.......

Clockworkprincess · 09/04/2019 07:52

I wouldn't be offended. My dm used to come and babysit little one and she'd always find something to clean and felt itwas massively helpful whenever she came to stay and cleaned up after herself . As for for dmil she would come and stay and i would end up leaving the housework as apparently i do too much 😂😂 genuinely i can see how idea came from right place

Beargrin · 09/04/2019 08:12

It really depends. My mum used to clean my house while she looked after DD and that was fine but if my best friend did it I'd feel a bit offended.

Maybe when she said the house was a mess you could have said 'oh I adore cleaning, could I maybe help you?'.

You've clearly done a nice thing but it is a bit invasive.

Ps. Can you come and clean my house?

NW2SW · 09/04/2019 08:36

Welcome to be my cleaning fairy anytime OP...

crabb · 09/04/2019 08:46

I am 60 and STILL cringe at the mortification of coming back from a night out to find my ironing mountain had disappeared at the hands of my babysitter. What made it worse was: she was my boss’s wife, and we were living in what used to be her house (came with the job). Total overstepping of boundaries, and affected our relationship from that point.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 09/04/2019 08:56

When I first read your opening post I thought you were definitely overstepping the mark and the friend's response was quite polite given the circumstances.

However, since the friend said they were struggling with the housework, I can see you were trying to do a nice thing. I would apologise to her and say you genuinely weren't trying to imply she was messy/untidy but just wanted to help and because you actually love cleaning, it was an enjoyable way to pass the time.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/04/2019 09:01

Jeez, I can’t quite believe this isn’t a wind up.

MooseHoose · 09/04/2019 09:06

Clearly you meant well but I would absolutely hate this. You say you didn’t go through her cupboards but you went into two of them. Just doing that without asking when the owners aren’t in is an invasion of privacy. You need to be mindful that people don’t expect their houses be tidied without them asking, so while they won’t necessarily hide personal mail etc they still don’t want you to be moving it all about!

grumpyyetgorgeous · 09/04/2019 09:12

Well I'd have been delighted op, I do see where the others are coming from but I can also see the kindness of your intentions and hopefully your friend will too.
Now, when are you free to come round to mine for a cuppa.....? Wink

Original poster
WhyReschedule · 09/04/2019 09:59

Why didn’t you put all that energy into playing hide and seek / reading stories / helping the child do craft activities? That was what she thought you were coming over to do. Not clean. Cleaning is easy. Engaging a child in fun energetic educational activities for hours is hard

I did already say we did quite a few activities.

And just as a side note, if a friend was looking after my DC as a favour, I would never dream of expecting 'fun, energetic and educational activities for hours'.

Although we did have lots of fun!

OP posts:
RaffertyFair · 09/04/2019 10:01

Your friend is rude. ...She could at least soften her reply to you

The friend had told the OP to ignore the mess but OP ignored this request ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual. I think it is pefectly understandable why she felt then it necessary to be clear and direct in order to avoid any misunderstandings in the future.

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 10:04

I think it depends entirely on the nature of the relationship.

If it had been a fairly distant friendship or one already fraught with tension, it would have been overstepping the mark. But for a really close mate, with whom you share everything, not so much.

I think the only thing that matters is that your friend seems upset. I'd just text and say "Hey, I'm really sorry if I overstepped the mark with the cleaning. I wanted to do something nice for you, and I thought it might be helpful, but I realised that it probably came over as intrusive. I'm an idiot. I'm really sorry, it wasn't my intention to upset you." Hopefully that will sort things out.

ColdFrame · 09/04/2019 10:07

And just as a side note, if a friend was looking after my DC as a favour, I would never dream of expecting 'fun, energetic and educational activities for hours'.

Well, no, I don't think anyone would. But in your case, you were clearly disengaged or bored enough while babysitting to decide to do what sounds like a fairly intensive clean on the entire downstairs of your friend's house, and the ironing, which I don't think anyone would expect, either.

sh13 · 09/04/2019 10:36

@WhyReschedule

Ignore all these comments from stuck up people. you’ve done nothing wrong , don’t bother with your “friend” and helping her out by babysitting she sounds like a cow

Original poster
WhyReschedule · 09/04/2019 11:16

Looks like I really have upset her Sad

I got a text today saying "Are you still on for having DC Friday? No cleaning, just have her at your house if you really want to clean that much!"

She usually puts an 'x' with her texts. I know it's ridiculous to read into that too much but ever since this happened, her tone seems different

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/04/2019 11:20

Tell her no, you're busy sorry.

She can't be a narky twat and expect favours at the same time. You've apologised and frankly if I had a friendship where I'm happy to see and show my tits too I would expect them to know me inside out also.

I wouldn't be impressed with the further digs.

Don't be a mug.

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