Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

The problem lies with the person who oversteps another person’s boundaries.

No, StormCloak, the problem absolutely does not lie with the “offended” parties. It lies squarely with people like yourself who appear to have no boundaries.

Absolutely

I wouldn’t like this. Firstly, because it’s overstepping and secondly, you were supposed to be looking after her DC and presumably sidelined the child in order to focus on the cleaning

I think you sound like a really nice person why on earth would anyone be offended?? Especially as you’ve said your close friends and she said she was struggling to keep on top of housework , I think she’s the rude one sending that text to you I wouldn’t do anymore favours of looking after her daughter

I would like to be confident enough in my housekeeping to not mind this and be properly appreciative. And you did all that to keep her DD amused as well! Is your real name Mary Poppins?

You do sound very kind but just need to be aware of boundaries. I can't imagine anyone finding any housework to do in your home but how would you feel if someone did this to you? I'm sure your friend will forgive you, she probably knows what you are like, and in time this will become a story you laugh over when you are drunk. I'm just checking though, that you weren't the only one of your friends flashing your nipples and stretch marks?

Wow I’m in the minority - I think your friend sounds like the rude one. Were you paid to babysit? There wouldn’t be a next time if I had done all that with someone’s child, and saved them the cleaning and ironing that they had stated they couldn’t be bothered to do, then had such a brusque text as thanks.

I’m sorry but if that was me, I’d see that you were trying to help me out and be thankful rather than an arsehole.

Offer to go back and put it back as it was - she’s so offended, I’m sure she would agree

Your friend is rude. Even if she didn't like it, she could have not asked you again, or asked you not to clean. A simple thank you should have been offered, in any case.

The friend quite clearly said "ignore the mess". But the OP didn't

I cant see how anyone would interpret "ignore the mess" as "feel free to clean my house and do my ironing"

Haha you can come look after my DD if it means you'll clean my house! 😂😂😂

My best friend is super clean and tidy... I can imagine he'd doing it in my house. I wouldn't think she'd overstepped her boundaries because she and I both know that she loves to clean!

But InglouriousBasterd there was an implicit judgement attached to this action as well as overstepping boundaries.

When the friend referred to the mess why didn't the OP say "is there anything you'd like me to do whilst I'm here?" A kind offer which the friend could accept or reject.

Can I be next in the long line please? A friend once did this for me. I was exceedingly grateful. As long as you didn't reorganise anything in the process - my mum occasionally used to do this and it drove me mad. I'm quite organised, and things are in particular places for a reason - if they get moved I might never find them again!

Your friend wasn’t rude. I’d be amazed at the cheek of anyone randomly cleaning my home while I was out. It’s a completely weird transgression of boundaries and I’d be rethinking the friendship.

Homes are so personal. Dust/grime/clutter is personal, and I’d be so uncomfortable imagining a friend casting an eye over everything and assessing what needed doing. I’d wonder whether they’d crossed other boundaries too - looked into drawers or poked into my bedroom or paperwork.

Ugh, it’s a massively inconsiderate thing to do and I absolutely disagree with the people describing you as thoughtful, kind etc. You sound like you have no empathy.

And the absolute AMAZING cheek of you calling her rude, after all that. Wow. Takes all sorts to make a world, clearly.

But InglouriousBasterd there was an implicit judgement attached to this action as well as overstepping boundaries.

I guess I just wouldn’t see it as that in these circumstances. If OP had gone in and nothing had been said about the state of the house before cleaning - yep, I agree, that would be seen as judgmental. But the friend said herself that it was a state, she hadn’t been bothered to do it - cleaning up in that case is clearly a ‘let me help you out whilst I’m here’.

Also if OP was baking etc then she would have had to tidy up / wipe down the kitchen / wash up anyway. I just honestly can’t imagine berating a friend who clearly had good intentions even if I did feel a bit embarrassed.

I can't understand why cleaning a house and looking after a child are mutually exclusive. The kid is 8, hardly an age that needs constant one on one supervision. Does this mean if you have children you have to wait until they are all in bed and asleep before you tackle anything else that needs doing around the house ?

As long as you didn't reorganise anything in the process
You see, frogsoup, we all have our boundaries! Yours are simply different from OP's friend's.

@64sNewName

It’s very weird you would be angry over that , how is it inconsiderate if your close friends, she had already mentioned she was struggling with doing the cleaning. AND she’s doing her a favour of looking after her daughter. “No empathy “ how ridiculous 😂

WhyReschedule would you like to look after my kids (housework) 😁 I think you meant well, but your friend might be feeling that you thought her house wasnt clean enough for you- I'm sure an apology for not thinking and a bottle of wine will be enough to smooth things over- mayby explain that her dd was quite happy and your baby was settled and you were bored/ restless so did what you would do at home without a seccond thought. ( my teenager wouldnt know where to find cleaning stuff so you would have to look- are you free tomorrow?)

Actually the OP herself doesn't even say she was doing it to help her friend. And it wasnt just wiling surfaces. The OP says
I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.
Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind

God I would love it if I came home and this had happened! YANBU!

I would be offended, washing dishes’s fine but you should ask about something like ironing. Her text actually was ok, it’s tricky situation and she clearly was frank to avoid any misunderstanding for the future.

OP I'm sure you didn't mean to offend but I would not have liked that at all. All you can do is apologise and perhaps send some flowers - then the ball is in her court. Don't worry about it too much - if she still wants to be your friend she will accept your apology. And if not you just need to put it down to 'lesson learned' and move on and next time don't go cleaning other peoples houses without asking first

I genuinely adore cleaning

I would be mortified if someone did this in my house. My MIL once popped round unexpectedly when the kitchen floor hadn’t been swept, commented on it, and now I sweep it twice a day just in case. We have a white cat so it was always swept daily before her comment, now I am totally paranoid (and think she is very rude).