Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

Lesson learnt, you've apologised and that should be the end of it. I do have 2 questions for you.. 1 can I be your friend? 2 are you free later in the week to watch my kids?( all the cleaning stuff is in the laundry room.

Firstly I would find it offensive and feel judged.
Then I would begrudge the time you spent cleaning rather than playing and engaging with the children.

I used to do this every time I babysat as a teenager - felt I had to earn my money. Funnily enough I was very popular 🤣 But I was always asked to and always confirmed where they wouldn’t mind me cleaning.

I still love ironing and cleaning but the baby doesn’t like a clean house.

Hope your friend can forgive you (especially if you’re providing free childcare)!

I'm obviously in the minority, but I personally wouldn't have taken offence. It does sound like you had overstepped where this friend is concerned, however I assume you were doing her a favour (vs paid child care) by looking after her daughter, so I think her text to you was incredibly rude and she could have handled it better. She said in her text "next time you look after DD...", so it sounds like you do it on a regular basis. It would have been much nicer the next time you showed up, just to say "Please don't worry about cleaning house today, just relax and enjoy your time with DD". Quite honestly I think she has some nerve criticizing you and at the same time still expect you to help her out with child care.

Do you get paid for looking after her dd? If so I suppose she may feel you should have spent all the time with dd. If you're not getting paid and was doing it as a one off favour I'd tell her you won't be looking after her dd again so it won't be a problem!

I too read the “next time you look after DD...” as being a sure sign of the friend being a CF. If you want a next time you don’t send arsey texts.

I think you did a lovely thing OP. Such a kind heart.
I'm sorry your friend was unappreciative but we are all different, as this thread shows.
Don't dwell on her response. So many people on here would be delighted to have a kind friend like you - me included.

I’m another that couldn’t get my knickers twisted over this. But then MN always makes me feel phenomenally laid back.

My pet sitter often cleans whilst she’s just keeping the dogs company.

"I think you did a lovely thing OP. Such a kind heart.
I'm sorry your friend was unappreciative but we are all different, as this thread shows.
Don't dwell on her response. So many people on here would be delighted to have a kind friend like you - me included.thanks"
^
This! It's obvious you had the best intentions and I thought your friend was a tad rude.

Rude and intrusive. I would have been extremely fucked off.

You may have meant well, but you were well out of line!

I don't even like DP looking in the cleaning cupboard let alone cleaning, and he lives here! It's mine! Leave it alone!

He does all of the washing up and laundry so it's a fair split of tasks before anyone worries!

My sister does this and I think it’s really rude.

It implies her house was dirty, she's embarrassed.

Meanwhile if you live near me feel free to make friends with me!

Honestly. It would be the last time you set foot in my house, regardless of how close we were and showing stretchmarks.

And if you were there to look after a child (for free or not) I'd be concerned that you'd ignored them in order to clean.

I think everybody is different and totally understand why someone may feel uncomfortable if their friend cleaned their house! I think your friend was very polite In how she has put it to you and I wouldn't be insulted by that if I was you.

Me and my best friend have both watched each other's kids at each other's houses and we have both tidied and cleaned each other's houses. As in washed up, swept and hoovered wiped necessary surfaces and put washes on. We are really close though and appreciate it, plus we have at times 7 kids between us so is helpful that we don't have to come back to a destroyed house😂 we have never ironed for each other before though I very much doubt we will start either. I do have friends though that I'm not as close with and perhaps wouldn't want them cleaning my house like me and my best friend do, it wouldn't be the same.

I think it's manners to tidy and clean what is necessary if any mess has been made, like your baking mess and washing up, tidying away games and toys. I think the rest totally depends on the people and your relationship.

I’d have been really embarrassed if you had done this in my house. I’d take it as an inferred criticism of my housekeeping standards which I would not see as any of your business.

Dont get the relevance of friend not minding because DD is 'older and happy' - do you mean child therefore doesn't need much care leaving you free to do all the housework?
Also, what does getting pissed and seeing each other's nipples and stretch Mark's have to do with, well, anything really??
Such an odd post...

Aw, I think you've been really kind, OP! Especially after she mentioned not having time to tidy up etc. It sounds as though you're close friends, so I can't see what there is to be annoyed about.

Clearly everyone has different boundaries though from these replies. You've apologised, so don't stress over it.

Ps, I would love to have you as a friend

My friends DH is a plasterer and he sometimes takes his retired dad along to keep him company, make tea, brush up, wash out buckets while his son worked away. His dad is really OCD though and a few times he’s been carried away with his jobs. Once or twice, he's cleaned the customers’ kitchen, washed up, folded laundry, hoovered etc. The son is always mortified but customers never complained... 😄

I would be gutted if someone cleaned my house when they were supposed to be looking after my child...

Why didn’t you put all that energy into playing hide and seek / reading stories / helping the child do craft activities? That was what she thought you were coming over to do. Not clean. Cleaning is easy. Engaging a child in fun energetic educational activities for hours is hard.

Her house was mucky because she doesn’t much care about the cleaning, her priority is the child. She wanted that to be your priority while you were there too. By instead choosing to clean, you were basically telling her to stuff it.

So now she feels like a bad mum because her kid was left to own devices etc instead of having adult-led play, and she also feels like she is supposed to thank you when actually she’s probably disappointed.

Next time don’t think about what you would like to do, or what you think would be nice if someone did it for you, just do what you were asked to do.

I'd be horrified if someone turned up and cleaned without me asking them. I've often babysat my Godson but the most I will do is putting washing up away, removing any cups and plates that are out.

If you're not asked, don't do it.

I would be beyond thrilled if you did this! Do you live near me.....?

I’d be furious. I think she was very measured in her response, all things considered.

I would have loved it OP.

All my friends are close friends so if they cleaned my house for me without me even having to ask I'd be bloomin delighted!

And I know I'll get flamed for this but I cant help feeling people who would be furious/mortified/offended at this are being a bit sensitive and the problem lies with them... 🙈

Unless you're a proper slob and are downright unhygienic if any of your close pals cleaned your house for you it would be a nice gesture! We're all mums we all know how shite it is trying to keep your house clean and tidy.