Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

I would have been delighted. However I did the same for my dd when I was babysitting. She was embarrassed and quite hurt I think. I was horrified to have hurt her and never did anything like it again

Can we be friends? I find it weird that people would be offended. My friends and I often help each other out like this. Mainly because each of us would rather do someone else's cleaning than our own! None of our houses are dirty, just that if there's stuff that needs doing one of us will do it.

I haven’t read all the replies. But I read that you’d cleaned her DD, not her house and thought that was very strange!

What a CF please never look after her child again she doesn't deserve you as a friend or child carer (or cleaner)

How have you responded to her most recent message OP?

There's nuance to what's ok.

I left a bag of laundry with my sister (asked in advance), just dropped off for logistical reasons when we went on honeymoon. Texted her on the way to the airport, apologising and asking her to remove two damp towels from the bag and air them. Came back and she'd laundered the lot for me. Lovely surprise.

I also arranged a surprise reception by DH's family when we came back from holiday, and one of the (probably FIL), decided to wash up the pans we left in the sink before we got back. Again, lovely surprise.

We have a cleaner. Her job is to do xy and z cleaning tasks. Sometimes I ask her to leave something, keep a door shut etc. She obliges. But once, she opened one of our wedding thank you books and made a comment about it in her note, and I was very put out. It was in public, but she had no need to touch it.

My friend has a maddening habit of moving things in my house that she thinks should be stored elsewhere, then smiling at me as she does it, as if she's corrected a silly mistake. I have no explanation for this psychopathic behaviour, nor for the fact I haven't brained her.

Key point for me is - your actions deliberately and persistently invaded her privacy. Oh, I know you only went in a couple of cupboards and moved some stuff around. But I'd rather show my friend my nipple than have her go through everything in my house.

I think you’re a lovely friend and my friends and I would do this for one another in a heartbeat and be thankful.

I think your friend may have felt embarrassed.

I think the way she said you’re there to look after dd was a bit rude!

I’d tell her no the next time.

I think she may just feel judged OP. She needs help caring for her DC as she works full time, you whirl in and mind the DC (hers and yours), deep clean the house all without seemingly much effort and as a result of your kindness she may just feel even more shit, like she is failing in her home life.

I think after that message maybe back off, let her cool down and wait for her to approach you again, I think in your kindness you have hit a touchy spot for her.

Depends on whether it was cleaning or tidying. Wiping down some surfaces and loading the dishwasher is one thing, if you were rearranging personal items in the bathroom and bedroom and putting things away in the wrong kitchen cupboards it then just becomes annoying and a bit intrusive.

Please come to my house OP.

Cheeky bitch

I would text
"No sorry. Whilst already doing you a favour the other day I did what I thought was a nice thing. I realise it was misguided and apologised. I have heard nothing since and now I get a sarcastic snotty text whilst asking for another favour, sorry that's not the way it works. You either accept an apology and move on or you don't and stop asking favours, you do not get it both ways"

you were rearranging personal items in the bathroom and bedroom

Did you miss the part about just doing the downstairs?

And actually fine you shouldn't have cleaned but isn't equally fucking offensive to ask some to mind your child and then tell them you are beside yourself with annoyance at the state of the place but couldn't be bothered to clean it - i'd say "eh you rude bitch so you want me to mind your kid for free, and sit in your shitty house but when I clean I'm the bad guy? Fuck yourself and mind your kid, while you are at it the j-cloths are under the sink"

I cannot imagine myself cleaning someone's house like you did, but mainly because I'm a lazy sod and it's always impossible to find things in other people's houses, so no chance of finding a brush, bucket or appropriate cleaning products. Well done you for locating these.
You sound wonderful. I'm almost feel upset on your behalf. If someone cleaned my bathroom while, say, looking after my cat, I'd be weeping with gratitude. It's just I don't have the kind of "friend" who'd want to do that to put me down or show me as unclean person, so I have no reason to suspect anyone of such untoward motives!

If I were you, I wouldn't respond to her text and be quite hurt. I wouldn't offer any help in future. And if pressed for explanation, simply say "I already outdone myself a while ago".

Perhaps she could have been polite in her messages but you went over to BABYSIT and then spent hours cleaning. So a) her kid is boring b) you couldn't be bothered to do what you were asked and agreed to do C) her house is clearly below your standards
You were rude to just do it, evenif it wasn't the intention.

However I assume she isn't paying you to babysit so perhaps it's time to stop doing it

If someone cleaned my bathroom while, say, looking after my cat, I'd be weeping with gratitude there a big difference in babysitting a child and a cat though. She's meant to be there for the child and hers.

She basically said to the friend "you can't keep your house good enough with one child but I'm so good I can do it all the two"

The said friend could have expressed it better, more from how it made her feel, rather than giving instructions, and blatant digs in another, later message. If she only said "You cleaning made me feel as if I'm dirty, I feel a bit embarrassed" then OP could apologise and the incident forgotten. But this is not what happened, and her reaction warrants more "well, sod you" reaction and no further help. And the child was well looked after, they had fun as OP said, so I'd believe that. Some people are quick and do a lot in a given time, I take it she has enough energy for the kid and cleaning.

I agree it sounds unfair she’s dragging it out, you made a mistake in judgement (but with good intentions) and apologised. You’re providing childcare for her and helping her out. It’s not like you were being malicious, lording it over you seems very unfair.

I think generally with cleaning other people’s houses it can go either way reaction-wise so best not to take the chance. Recently I had my partner’s parents staying and I had a quick shower in the morning. When I came downstairs, his mother was scrubbing the kitchen and draining board – she’d even dug out a new sponge from my cleaning cupboard! Her intentions were pure and she wanted to help but I felt a bit put out as it implied she felt my sink was dirty despite the fact I had cleaned it a few days before (even though I’m sure she would be mortified if she knew I felt that). It also felt that she’d taken the opportunity of me being out the way to do it. I know it was meant nicely, but I wish she hadn’t!

I'd find it a bit odd. But if I knew you genuinely enjoyed cleaning, I'd love it!

Do you want to come and clean my house?

I was on the friends side til I saw the last text.

I didn't think her first text was rude & tbh thought the OP was out of order but that .most recent text is downright rude.

I'd be telling her no I'm not free on Friday & let her make her other arrangements

I would prefer my friend to do it rather than my mum or MIL. Just apologise and admit you got carried away, you didn't do it with bad intentions.

I've done the same - but with a SIL. Started with doing the dishes, wiping the counters down, and kept on going. Whoops. I was a lot younger at the time and didn't realise just how potentially offensive this was! But my heart was in the right place, and my intent was kind - just as yours was.

But your 'F' is clearly not letting this go, and has no intention of showing you either grace or understanding for your well intentioned, but misguided efforts. However, she still wants the free childcare. While carrying on with the snippy little digs.

She is incredibly lucky that you were so prepared to mind her child, and it sounds like you made sure that child had a very enjoyable time. All for free. Generally, to get the kind of assistance you gave her, you have to pay through the nose.

I'm afraid I'd be texting back 'no, not still on for Friday. Have a good one'.

And that would be that.

YABU. You were very rude and intrusive and totally overstepped the mark.

She hasn’t spoken to you rudely or harshly, she has mentioned she doesn’t want you invading her privacy in what I actually think was a rather nice way of putting it. I certainly wouldn’t be as nice about it as she has.

Think it's lovely. I wouldn't mind her child again either. She might feel a bit uncomfortable but it's obviously a kindness so there was no need for her to be so blunt. Perhaps when she's got her feet up tonight she might feel a bit more grateful.