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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate DH’s new look

175 replies

crumble82 · 07/04/2019 21:52

Went out with DH a couple of days ago with the DC, looking back at photos he has suddenly decided he’s going bald. He is thinning but nothing dramatic. Anyway last night he shaved his head, I told him I thought it was a bit of an over reaction and I preferred it before but didn’t make a big deal about it. This morning he wet shaved his head. He looks like a criminal skin head, it’s horrible. I can’t even look at him it just looks appalling. I told him I didn’t like it (no argument, just said I didn’t like it),but apparently I’m a twat!

AIBU to tell him I don’t like what he’s done to himself or does it make me controlling? Do I just leave it bearing in mind I’m actually embarrassed to be seen with him at the moment?!

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 08/04/2019 07:50

I'm with you. I would hate this but at the end of the day it's his hair/head.

My dh has been thinning for years and I shave it very short every couple of months for him and it's fine. Shaving completely bald is very different and I would not be keen!

SandyY2K · 08/04/2019 07:53

YANBU

It's fine to express your opinion on how your OH looks, as long as it's done sensitively.

Expressing your opinion is not the same as demanding they change and if your spouse can't be honest about it, who can.

Sometimes I see some people dressed awfully and I wonder if they live alone, or if no member of their family had the kindness or guts to tell them they look hideous.

TooBusyHavingFun · 08/04/2019 07:55

I get where you are coming from OP, see if he will go for a no.1/2/3 instead of the wet shave look, it can on some people look like the 'skinhead/far right look' having said that some men can carry it off and look very attractive with it, sounds like you DH is of the 1st variety! But maybe go in gently with it.

keepingspiritsup · 08/04/2019 08:01

For a man to start losing his hair is a MASSIVE thing and I know when it happened to DH he was very self conscious about it so I think you're being a rather insensitive and selfish to be honest!

(If this was the other way around the MN brigade would be out in force saying to LTB and that you are a victim of coercive control or some other rubbish)

It will grow back - if that's what he wants - but support him either way

Nomorepies · 08/04/2019 08:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/04/2019 08:25

I'd hate it too. I love my husband, I can cope if he puts on weight or gets wrinkly and even put up with some awful clothes but I'd struggle a bit if he went bald, and shaving it all off I would find very unsexy.

RedForShort · 08/04/2019 08:28

Obviously you can't control how his hair is. (You can dislike it though.)

I'd be more inclined to tell him that he really isn't losing that much hair and shaving or isn't necessary. Especially if he's done it because he feels he has to.

Balding is a terrible thing for some men. Especially if they are young when it starts. He's simply reacted to his starting thinning.

Mind you your husband might relax on the shortness one he heads out into the world and others react to it. (And if they don't it probably means it's not as extreme as you think.) Posdibly he'll settle with a crew cut (a no2 is less dramatic than a totally shaved!)

bobstersmum · 08/04/2019 08:28

He's obviously panicked and tried to be brave and face it now rather than later, I feel for him. I am quite sure you will get used to his new look. Please don't be awful to him.

DocusDiplo · 08/04/2019 08:32

My ex shaved his head just after we separated and I actually laughed inwardly when I saw. It looks TERRIBLE on some people. He wasn't balding by the way. Some bald men look awesome so I dont think its the baldness, its who it is... awkward OP. Would totally put me off in your situation. Not sure what answer is...

Original poster
crumble82 · 08/04/2019 08:38

So I’ve just been doing a bit of research, does anyone know if Regaine actually works? I was thinking about tactfully offering to buy some for DH.

OP posts:
greenpop21 · 08/04/2019 09:03

I get it OP. My DH loves to clip his hair short all over in an action man stylie andI hate it.
We compromise now and he has it a bit longer. Lets just say he gets more attention when his hair is longer Wink. It's like dog training-reward association. I am joking{but only a bit}

greenpop21 · 08/04/2019 09:04

I have a relative that uses birch water tonic every day and his hair has thickened.

mistermagpie · 08/04/2019 09:21

My brother went bald at 19 and chose to shave his head. He had a totally hairless shiny head by the time he was mid 20s. He's now a detective inspector with the police, I can assure you that he looks nothing like a criminal.

Saying that, it took a long time for everyone to get used to, so give it a chance. Well, you'll have to really won't you?

Lifeonmars77 · 08/04/2019 09:34

My husband did this a few years ago. He always used to have a decent head of hair and his face was clean shaven. Once it started to thin, the clippers came out and it was gone. Like you, I was horrified - I was worried that I was never going to find him attractive ever again.

Now he still shaves his head but has a bit of a beard and it's really grown on me, he looks pretty fit.... even with a baked bean head Grin

Raspberry88 · 08/04/2019 09:36

*And some of the comments on this thread are exactly why DP considered suicide at the age of 22 when he finally shaved off the last bits of his hair.

I'm so sorry to hear that. So awful. It makes me sad that it seems to be completely acceptable to be so negative about something that is a natural part of ageing for many men and can be really upsetting.

Mrsfrumble · 08/04/2019 10:02

I'm so sorry to hear that. So awful. It makes me sad that it seems to be completely acceptable to be so negative about something that is a natural part of ageing for many men and can be really upsetting.

Yeah, what I don’t get is that OP’s husband has starting balding he will lose all his hair eventually anyway (on the top of his head at least) so will end up looking like he does now. By shaving it he’s just taken a short cut to the inevitable. Even if he grows it back he now knows - thanks to OP’s reaction - that the time will come when she dislikes the way he looks and he won’t be able to do anything about it.

Original poster
crumble82 · 08/04/2019 10:20

Mrsfrumble that’s not quite true though. What I objected to was DH going from an almost full head of hair to completely bald (not even stubbly) overnight! I’ve had no time to get used to it and after a quick chat this morning he’s said that it’s a bit extreme for him too. The ageing process happens gradually and his new look will evolve and I doubt I’ll notice it happening. Quite a few people would object to such an extreme and fast change.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 08/04/2019 10:22

My neighbour shaves his head, he looks like Dobbiethe house elf.

Mrsfrumble · 08/04/2019 10:34

Fair enough crumble. As long as he knows it the sudden nature of the change, not the hair loss and eventual baldness that’s upset you. It must be very depressing for a bloke, having it hanging over you that something -dictated entirely by genetics and beyond your control - will inevitably happen that will make you less attractive to your partner.

keepingspiritsup · 08/04/2019 10:36

OP there is nothing to object to and to repeat what I hear on MN day in day out in support of female posters - his body his decision!

From the sounds of it he's said maybe it's a bit too short for him anyway and will grow it out a bit

LittleChristmasMouse · 08/04/2019 10:37

What I objected to was DH going from an almost full head of hair to completely bald (not even stubbly) overnight! I’ve had no time to get used to it

So you will never have long hair and then go and have it cut short or dye your hair from dark to light or vice versa then?

Basically anything you do to change your appearance will always be done in incremental steps and with the consent of your husband?

No? Thought not.

GirlcalledJack · 08/04/2019 10:39

Regaine is pretty rubbish tbh.

My DH has used it and he did gain a few very whispy, fine hairs (like really thin fuzz) but it never thickened up and as soon as you stop using it the thin fuzz disappears again.

Sweetlittlepug · 08/04/2019 10:48

Yanbu, why shouldn’t you be honest, my dh did the same a few years ago, I absolutely hated it and told him so. He values my opinion, why would he want to make himself look unattractive to me. It’s the same when I change my hairstyle, he tells me if he likes it or not, not in a big deal kind of way, just an honest opinion. I also get honest opinions off my daughters. Nothing controlling about it, before anyone jumps in.

Raspberry88 · 08/04/2019 11:37

It’s the same when I change my hairstyle, he tells me if he likes it or not, not in a big deal kind of way, just an honest opinion.

It's not the same though, is it. It would only be the same if your DH commented that he didn't like the way you looked and it was something you hadn't really chosen and couldn't change.

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