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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

389 replies

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 15:37

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

OP posts:
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 09/04/2019 08:58

Can I just say as well, the "Robbie and Jack will be fine in with us, they're both gay" can be as reliable as "there's no vodka in my bag, honest". Also if you're searching bags for spirits, that's fine but how you will find the bag of weed (or stronger stuff) secreted in their clothing? Yes they will be rumbled if they smoke it in the garden, but spacecake or tablets etc...it baffles me that tranquillisers are currently seemingly popular amongst some teens. Why?!

Teens can be tricky and if you don't trust these ones enough that you are searching bags, you clearly won't take their word on some things so surely you would be wary on everything?

It makes me laugh that so many MNers say (see this thread for examples) "well my DC are sensible and have even refused invites to parties where they know there will be bad behaviour" and its always always someone else's DCs who are the the problem.

I have DC this age and older and whilst I do have one "vegan and alcohol is the devils work now let me get on with my revision" I do have others who have taken a strong interest in how to suddenly make chocolate brownies for Robbie's party Hmm And when they come home upset that Robbie was snogging Chloe in the garden it transpires that Robbie is now bi...

I know what I was like as a teen Blush and there will always be foolish ones, of course they will never be yours Grin but Im not naive and think teenagers can be like babies/toddlers who surprise you with previously unsuspected behaviours like rolling off changing mats and being able to get up (and fall down) stairs. Just like this, your DC can surprise you with things like getting stoned despite you being convinced they won't.

As I said I think your rules are inconsistent. It may be more sensible to anticipate at least one or two (of course not yours Grin) being tricksy and have Plan Bs instead of being convinced you have got the balance right. If any of you drive for instance, have a driver available to deliver non conforming one's home. This may cause lots of SIOB but if there are 17 year olds I would be realistic and have condoms in the house (and I wouldn't be inviting 15 year olds tbh). Clearly you have telephone numbers for all parents which is good, and and a little surprising to me as I don't have contacts for all my DCs friends. Especially not the 17 year olds!

It's such a fine line between naive and cynical and suspicious and the stakes are higher at this age. I don't think any of us can be convinced we have it right.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 09/04/2019 09:00

And also, if any 17 year olds are driving themselves there will you take car keys off them, or watch them in the lounge to make sure they don't drink? If you're searching their bags you already have doubts about their trustworthiness...

Jessie94 · 09/04/2019 09:03

What does it matter if two boys are gay? That's so irrelevant.

polarpig · 09/04/2019 09:05

My teenager has asked to go to the cinema with some friends for his 16th birthday. Not all of them want to get drunk at home, some are more sensible than that.

Dolookbackinanger · 09/04/2019 09:09

polarpig There probably isn’t anything like that near the op though. The worst areas for teenage drinking are the remote ones.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cumbria-11605158

YemenRoadYemen · 09/04/2019 09:23

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles - you can relax. The OP has had these parties for teens at her house before, and all has been fine.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 09/04/2019 09:58

This is the kind of parent that lands herself in prison for providing minors with alcohol

As no actual law will have been broken I don’t think OP will find herself in prison.

Personally I think OPs rules are fine. Allowing alcohol in controlled circumstances is exactly what I have done with my DCs. 21 year old DD rarely drinks now as she doesn’t enjoy “cheap” drinks (she’s at university) but when she comes home she does enjoy good wine and my best cognac! DS is 16 and has tried wine and beers but doesn’t like them.

Phones aren’t allowed in bedrooms after bedtime here even when there’s no one else around!

Sorrywhat · 09/04/2019 10:08

Jesus... you’re trying to create a fun evening then stamping all iver it with rules. Just leave them with their phones and forget about the alcohol. What are going to do, sit in the kitchen all night ensure the alcohol limit per person is adhered to and no one sneaks their phone back?
I wouldn’t want to come with someone watching my every move. You are overbearing.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/04/2019 10:10

I haven't rtft but this sounds like the shittiest sleepover ever. I wouldn't dream of taking phones off teenagers that age.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 09/04/2019 10:22

LWeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles - you can relax. The OP has had these parties for teens at her house before, and all has been fine."

I genuinely can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not Grin

musketeersmama · 09/04/2019 10:24

RTFT then!! Or at least one out of fifty patiently worded posts by the OP!! Honestly the people on this thread who don’t bother to listen and merely chime in is ridiculous. Happy birthday to your twins OP, their party sounds ace and I think your rules are clear & consistent. Hope it goes well & YANBU regarding other parents - your house, your rules.

Witchtower · 09/04/2019 10:53

Regardless whether people have RTFT, the OP responses aren’t going to make them agree with the situation.

Ellieswede · 09/04/2019 11:06

I think you are totally reasonable. They are still kids and do silly things with phones that might come back and haunt them and you. With alcohol involved, even more of a risk. It's your house and your rules, take it or leave it. I used to be similar with my two and they are now fabulous adults. In my experience, the other kids accept it and funnily enough, other parents have more of an issue. Not your problem. Also, when they are grown up, no one will look back thinking badly, the opposite happens more often! Boundaries are there to protect and also teach. Well done!

pollymere · 09/04/2019 11:45

I think I'd rather dd had Archers or Vodka premixed to one unit per bottle than drink Cider or beer at 3 units per bottle.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2019 14:17

My teenager has asked to go to the cinema with some friends for his 16th birthday. Not all of them want to get drunk at home, some are more sensible than that.

Why so smug? Your kids is different to the OP's kids who are different to my kids. And good luck with his 18th Wink

I think I'd rather dd had Archers or Vodka premixed to one unit per bottle than drink Cider or beer at 3 units per bottle.

What beer are you drinking with 3 units?! Standard beer or cider is 1 unit per half pint, exactly the same as a premixed single vodka and 8oz of mixer. Unless the kid is bringing Special Brew, they'll both be drinking the same units.

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 15:16

Mine are early teens so no alcohol parties yet. At 15, mine would probably want to go, not sure about at 17.

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 15:21

I think the OP does need some educating on alcohol though.

She has stipulated cider/beer. Some ciders are as high as 10% (wine is usually 11-14%). So 4 cans of White Ice for e.g. would be at least the equivalent of 2 bottles of wine in terms of units.

The premixed alcohol cans, are usually small 330ml cans and generally contain 2.5 units max.
A 500ml can of White ice could have maybe 7-8 units.

What are your twins going to be drinking OP?
What are the younger ones going to be doing?
What is involved in this sleepover, are they going to be left alone to just hang out and get merry?

YemenRoadYemen · 09/04/2019 15:28

4 cans of cider is the equivalent of 2 bottles of wine?!

The parents oversee the amount of alcohol their child is allowed to take. So two sets of adults have approved each child's intake.

The OP has done this before, and tweaked the rules along the way. Why are people so convinced it's going to go wrong?

What is involved in this sleepover, are they going to be left alone to just hang out and get merry?

Why would you even ask this question, if you'd RTFT?

They will be supervised all night long - someone will be awake all night long!

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 17:05

White Ace or whatever it is called (typical high level cider) is 7.5%

So, 4 x 500ml cans = 2 litres. 7.5% of that = 15% of 2000ml = 300ml of alcohol

And, 2 x 750ml bottles of wine = 1500ml. Lets say 13% of 1500ml = 195 ml of alcohol

So actually, 4 cans of such cider is 50% more than 2 bottles of standard wine.

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 17:08

Calculations wrong. It should be 7.5% of 2000ml so 150ml

So, 4 cans of strong cider = 150ml pure alcohol
2 bottles of 13% wine = 195ml pure alcohol.

So the 4 cans are like a bottle and a half of wine.

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 17:13

K cider is 8.4%
Some wines are 11%

On those calculations

8.4% of 2000ml = 168ml pure alcohol
11% of 1500 = 165ml pure alcohol

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 17:15

So I think that some kids will bring high alcohol level cider and drink 2 cans and be hammered and the OP will be baffled - but they only had 2 cans!

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 17:18

Why would you even ask this question, if you'd RTFT?

I'm asking the question because I'm wondering whether they're going to be allowed to just relax, or is Mummy going to be popping her head around the door whenever she hears them laughing!

SoupDragon · 09/04/2019 17:18

You think their parents will buy them large cans of strong cider?

SoupDragon · 09/04/2019 17:19

or is Mummy going to be popping her head around the door whenever she hears them laughing!

🙄 That's just ridiculous.