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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All natural birth?

565 replies

TerribleTwosPhase · 07/04/2019 11:08

Ok first time posting on AIBU so putting my hard hat on for this one...
Do you genuinely believe that having a baby with no pain relief/intervention or anything makes it a superior birth to someone who hasn't?
Before I had DD I was quite relaxed about my birth plan, didn't want any pain relief or anything if I could manage it, but wasn't against it. In the end after 3 days of labour with a back to back baby and not progressing I had to have an epidural. Fine that's what needed to happen to safely deliver my baby, and as my body was starting to have issues it was the safest way of processing for us both if I needed an emergency c section. I have no issues with this and understand it's just what had to happen, not my ideal birth but we are both happy and healthy so that's all that matters.
Woman on my Facebook has just announced her babies birth with the line " total natural birth, I am a lioness!"
AIBU to think that this is a bit ridiculous, be proud of yourself fair enough, but do we really need to make people feel bad about how they gave birth? Do you secretly feel better about yourself knowing you done it with no pain relief?
I'm really not trying to be goady here please don't take it like that, but does the fact that everything went textbook for someone mean it's more noteworthy than for someone who didn't? I see so many women on here who are disappointed with their birth experiences and I think things like this surely can't help?

OP posts:
PCohle · 07/04/2019 22:45

If it's not down to luck though what do you think it's down to?

Do you think you just have a higher pain threshold, tried harder and prepared better than women who did use pain relief?

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 22:47

Of course luck plays a part. And genetics. But also deciding to try. Learning about breathing and relaxation. No harm in going straight for the epidural. But no harm in not, either.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/04/2019 22:49

It is down to luck.

It’s the luck of the draw:

  • for mother’s physiology (can you open to 9cm? 10cm?)
  • for baby’s physiology (is baby turned the right way? Will baby turn the right way?)
  • clinically; what’s available for pain relief in the birthing centre/midwife unit/fucking ambulance at that time
  • risk appetite of clinicians (how prepared are the experts to let you go as far as you want before intervention happens to reduce/eliminate the risk to mother or baby)

You get one consultant or midwife who’s just that little but too jittery and bang goes your “natural drug free birth”.

MulticolourMophead · 07/04/2019 22:49

It is luck, though. Lucky in the position of the placenta, in the position of the baby at the time of birth, lucky in the genetics you inherited, etc, etc. You might take on board all the advice out there, prepare for any eventuality, yet one tiny thing could tip the balance between a "good" birth, and "action stations".

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 22:50

“Do you think you just have a higher pain threshold”
I don’t know. And a lot of women in here don’t know either because they decided to go for an early epidural.

PCohle · 07/04/2019 22:50

Yes I'm sure lots of women could have avoided epidurals if they'd only bothered to "learn about breathing and relaxation" Hmm

itsabugchicken · 07/04/2019 22:51

But it is also not OK to imply that for women who do have a “natural birth” it is entirely down to luck.

How isn't it though? I'm struggling to understand how you think it's within ones control as to whether they haemorrhage or not, whether their baby gets stuck and needs forceps, whether they need any medical intervention whatsoever?

I'm not looking for a bun fight, I'm genuinely baffled as to why you think it isn't just luck.

MulticolourMophead · 07/04/2019 22:53

I have a stupidly high pain threshold, that's down to luck. My DD has a low pain threshold. We've unfortunatly found out these things the hard way (although everything is fine).

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 22:53

“Yes I'm sure lots of women could have avoided epidurals if they'd only bothered to "learn about breathing and relaxation" hmm”
A lot could- if they had wanted to. It’s absolutely fine not to want to. But not fine to give women who make different choices a hard time.

Zerrin13 · 07/04/2019 22:55

Who bloody cares about who has a higher pain threshold? No one knows how painful another woman's labour is. All this harping on about birth is ridiculous. The aim of the game is to get the baby out with mother and baby still alive. Childbirth can be dangerous for both. If it all ends well then the job is done. The next 18 years is alot more tricky!

Fannydango · 07/04/2019 22:56

I feel lucky that my births were straightforward and normal meaning I only needed gas and air.

But I admit I do feel superior to some of the women you see on One Born Every Minute who scream like banshees the whole way through. I remember seeing one mother on there who was having what I can only describe as a tantrum the whole time (even when she wasn’t contracting) - throwing herself around on the bed and shrieking constantly. The MWs had to have a stern word with her. Yes it bloody hurts more than anything but you’ve got to try to keep it together at least a bit, for your own good and the baby’s!!!

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 22:56

“How isn't it though? I'm struggling to understand how you think it's within ones control as to whether they haemorrhage or not, whether their baby gets stuck and needs forceps, whether they need any medical intervention whatsoever? ”

But those things don’t happen in most births. Most births are reasonably straight forward and pain relief or not is a choice.

PCohle · 07/04/2019 22:58

No one's "giving women a hard time" for having natural deliveries.

I for one am merely irritated at how smug some women are about their natural births and the implication that it's because they some how tried harder and prepared better.

If you were lucky enough to have a straightforward natural birth then good for you, but have the common sense to realise that that isn't the case for everyone and your good fortune doesn't make you morally superior.

MulticolourMophead · 07/04/2019 22:58

I don't care what choices another person makes, I just assume they made the choice that was right for them.

I did get annoyed when a couple of women (I posted about one previously) went on and on at length about their birth experiences were somehow superior and meant they were proper mothers Hmm.

This is of course down to their personalities, as most women I met couldn't be arsed about the births regardless of the kind of experience we all had.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 23:01

“No one's "giving women a hard time" for having natural deliveries.”

Well, we are being told we should shut up about it.....

Zerrin13 · 07/04/2019 23:02

As the years go by you don't find you own birth story that fascinating to yourself let alone anyone else!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/04/2019 23:02

And a lot of women in here don’t know either because they decided to go for an early epidural

Oh @bertrandrussell you goody fucker. You’re straight up saying they’re not trying hard enough with the term “early” right there.

Plus you’re assuming that the clinicians aren’t potentially projecting their own agenda on labouring women.

Jesus, I have to leave this thread now.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/04/2019 23:03

Luck is having a straight forward, no complication birth. After that you make a choice to have pain relief. I chose not to. Someone else may choose to have it with exactly the same "luck" as me. Fair play to them.

gairytoes · 07/04/2019 23:03

I haven't RTFT but I agree. Too many people attribute a straightforward birth to their own strength.

We all come to the time of childbirth with very different life experiences, physiology, external influences and...babies. They all affect how those hours and days progress. There is nothing lioness, just luck.

Backseatonthebus · 07/04/2019 23:06

But it is also not OK to imply that for women who do have a “natural birth” it is entirely down to luck

What is it down to then? That's a genuine question. What should those of us who didn't have a natural birth have done differently?

Delatron · 07/04/2019 23:07

We should have tried harder apparently!

PCohle · 07/04/2019 23:08

I certainly haven't told you to shut up about your birth experience, just that I think it can come across as self-congratulatory to bang on about it.

Your belief that women could avoid pain relief if they'd just learnt more about relaxation and breathing demonstrates exactly why many women perceive those that are "proud" of their natural birth are implying those that used pain relief have failed somehow.

To be honest I probably felt the same as you after my DS1 was born with just gas and air. With subsequent labours I needed a C-section and an epidural respectively. My pain threshold wasn't magically lower and I was, if anything, much better prepared.

tulippa · 07/04/2019 23:16

I had DC1 without pain relief. I didn't feel proud or superior ‐ I felt traumatised and slightly foolish for not being more open minded about an epidural especially as I had to have one after the birth to get my stitches. So glad doctors advised a section for DC2!

doIreallyneedto · 07/04/2019 23:19

@Bearfrills - They can spend all the time learning as much as they want, they can do a degree is breathing and labour position if such a thing existed, they could spend fucking years preparing and not a single bit of it matters because all of it boils down to luck.

Of course it matters. Doing the preparation means that you can take advantage of the luck and have the experience you hoped for. Obviously, if your luck is out and you have a very difficult experience, then the preparation won't ensure that experience.

Bearfrills · 07/04/2019 23:20

we are being told we should shut up about it.....

Please quote exactly where you were told to "shut up" because I haven't seen anyone say that.