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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All natural birth?

565 replies

TerribleTwosPhase · 07/04/2019 11:08

Ok first time posting on AIBU so putting my hard hat on for this one...
Do you genuinely believe that having a baby with no pain relief/intervention or anything makes it a superior birth to someone who hasn't?
Before I had DD I was quite relaxed about my birth plan, didn't want any pain relief or anything if I could manage it, but wasn't against it. In the end after 3 days of labour with a back to back baby and not progressing I had to have an epidural. Fine that's what needed to happen to safely deliver my baby, and as my body was starting to have issues it was the safest way of processing for us both if I needed an emergency c section. I have no issues with this and understand it's just what had to happen, not my ideal birth but we are both happy and healthy so that's all that matters.
Woman on my Facebook has just announced her babies birth with the line " total natural birth, I am a lioness!"
AIBU to think that this is a bit ridiculous, be proud of yourself fair enough, but do we really need to make people feel bad about how they gave birth? Do you secretly feel better about yourself knowing you done it with no pain relief?
I'm really not trying to be goady here please don't take it like that, but does the fact that everything went textbook for someone mean it's more noteworthy than for someone who didn't? I see so many women on here who are disappointed with their birth experiences and I think things like this surely can't help?

OP posts:
doIreallyneedto · 07/04/2019 22:07

@PCohle - but it's disingenuous to claim that specifically stating you had a natural birth doesn't come with a certain self-congratulatory element.

By the same token, does stating you asked for an epidural as you walked in the door not also come with a certain self-congratulatory element?

NewAccount270219 · 07/04/2019 22:08

By all means "go on social media and talk about how brilliant you are for having made a baby and given birth to it" if you want

If we're going down this route then that's actually potentially quite hurtful too. I remember being upset when seeing something someone had posted on Facebook about how amazing their body was for having made a baby when I'd just had my third miscarriage because it felt like another reminder of how not amazing my baby is at making babies, and how I'd failed. But while I think it was ok for me to be upset by it, I don't think it was dickish of her to post her pride in having made her baby. I think the same principle should apply here - it's fine for the OP to be upset by the way it makes her feel about her own birth, but it's not really fair to call the other woman a dick for it.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 22:11

“By the same token, does stating you asked for an epidural as you walked in the door not also come with a certain self-congratulatory element?”

Yep, this. And the “why would you want to do anything as primitive as have a drug free birth?” vibe certainly has an element of superiority about it........

Differentcorner · 07/04/2019 22:12

As a midwife who has cared for hundreds of amazing women, some who’ve had really tough difficult times and those who seem to sail through at super speed I honestly believe that if someone else had the same labour as you they’d have had an epidural. You had a tougher time and did absolutely the right thing, hope it makes sense. Can’t be doing with all the boasting.... it’s great that mum and baby are well... it’s not that straightforward for everyone though

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/04/2019 22:13

it was all down to their amazing vagina and high pain threshold

Well it actually is! The air of superiority is your issue.

Delatron · 07/04/2019 22:14

Yes it’s the terminology ‘I’m so proud I ‘managed’ to have two natural births. ‘

Sounds like you think you are superior to those who didn’t ‘manage’ it. It was luck. You’re implying your ‘natural’ births were better than other births ‘non-natural’?! It’s smug.

It is dickish to show off on social media about something that is down to luck more than anything else.

Damntheman · 07/04/2019 22:16

Any kind of birth is heroic! I had an epidural the first time, no pain relief at all the second because she came to fast (I was not happy!). Neither birth makes me a proud lioness. I was just glad it was over!

I bloody hate people announcing births with how much pain relief they did or didn't have. It's not a competition but those announcements sure make it seem like one.

doIreallyneedto · 07/04/2019 22:16

@Bearfrills - Someone saying they were lucky enough to have had a labour that had no drugs/interventions is fine.

@itsabugchicken - Nothing wrong with knowing your labour went well due to sheer luck

While there is certainly an element of luck involved, most women who have positive natural birth experiences have put in a fair amount of effort too. They have spent time learning how to breathe effectively, learning about the best positions to labour in, etc.

Equally, someone who defiantly wants drugs is more likely to have a positive experience if they do some research too e.g. knowing what their options are, what's available at different stages etc.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 22:16

“t is dickish to show off on social media about something that is down to luck more than anything else.

So. Horror stories only then.

Damntheman · 07/04/2019 22:18

My midwife told me "why suffer when you don't need to?" And I quite agree, if medical science can make a process hurt less then have at it.

Far2go46 · 07/04/2019 22:19

Yes, natural is best, I only had plant based morphine during mine

Delatron · 07/04/2019 22:19

I wouldn’t put my birth story on Facebook! So no I don’t see any horror stories on Facebook. Far more of the ‘I am amazing with my drug free, natural birth’.

SpeedyBojangles · 07/04/2019 22:20

I think any woman who has given birth, no matter how should be proud cause it's really fucking hard!

But the main thing is all labours and births are different. One woman can have a 6 hour relatively straightforward labour and not need any pain relief, another could have a long and arduous 36 hour labour and need the pain relief. It's all relative and really does depended on each individual situation and cannot be compared to someone else.

But more to the point... IT'S NOT A COMPETITION! OP I think you are reading too much into her post, if she feels like a lioness then good for her. She's not saying you are not, just that she is.

itsabugchicken · 07/04/2019 22:20

@doIreallyneedto They have spent time learning how to breathe effectively, learning about the best positions to labour in, etc

And people who end up with scary traumatic births haven't?

Sagradafamiliar · 07/04/2019 22:23

Why can't we just be happy for others in their proudest moments instead of projecting or thinking of a way to find them offensive? Not everything in life has to lead back to us personally. A woman gave birth and felt positive about it: great. It's nothing to do with anyone else's experience.

Delatron · 07/04/2019 22:23

Exactly @itsabugskitchen. I read all the books, did all the yoga. Knackered myself by trying to have an ‘active’ birth. So no I still believe it’s mainly down to luck...

SpeedyBojangles · 07/04/2019 22:26

@BertrandRussell I actually find the opposite to be true. I find with the people I know that the positive birth stores are talked about much more. I've had two 'horror story' births and I haven't spoken about them much as I didn't want to scare people (notably my pregnant friends) as I was mostly just unlucky with how things went, but those who had a more positive experience are more comfortable sharing this. Maybe it's just my circle. I don't know 🤷🏻‍♀️

FenellaMaxwell · 07/04/2019 22:27

@doIreallyneedto
While there is certainly an element of luck involved, most women who have positive natural birth experiences have put in a fair amount of effort too. They have spent time learning how to breathe effectively, learning about the best positions to labour in, etc.
There you go - implying that people who don’t have natural births haven’t put the effort in. Hmm

There are plenty women who put in every bit of effort they possibly can and still don’t get the natural birth they’d planned for. It is not ok to imply those women didn’t try hard enough, or “put the effort in”.

mumwon · 07/04/2019 22:33

I had a truly horrible breech delivery the next mum came into the ward & told me how many stiches she had & how many did I have! Um - I didn't ask - I wasn't in the state to even think about it!I was just happy that baby was ok & it was over! (still went on to have 2 more dc - not breech thank goodness) So you also get "I had the worst delivery" competition too! (daft bats!)

NewAccount270219 · 07/04/2019 22:33

I think what you find more prevalent is about your circles but also about what bothers you. For instance, I find MN is relentlessly pro-C section with a lot of pretty grim comments about how otherwise your vagina will be ruined (the one upthread that got deleted was notable in how crass it was, but I've seen the idea expressed a lot), but I've seen other people say they think MN is full of 'pro natural birth propaganda' - I think this is probably more about what bothers us and so we remember it than actually about seeing different content.

Bearfrills · 07/04/2019 22:34

While there is certainly an element of luck involved, most women who have positive natural birth experiences have put in a fair amount of effort too. They have spent time learning how to breathe effectively, learning about the best positions to labour in, etc.

They can spend all the time learning as much as they want, they can do a degree is breathing and labour position if such a thing existed, they could spend fucking years preparing and not a single bit of it matters because all of it boils down to luck.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/04/2019 22:34

Why can't we just be happy for others in their proudest moments

Because people are offended and need to list the reasons why they couldn't have the same birth and therefore no one should mention if they had a natural birth. Thats what i take from these threads.

The best comments are that it can't be called a natural birth but a vaginal birth, its down to luck, it cant have hurt as much as mine and you wont get a medal!

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 22:41

“There are plenty women who put in every bit of effort they possibly can and still don’t get the natural birth they’d planned for. It is not ok to imply those women didn’t try hard enough, or “put the effort in”.”

Absolutely not. But it is also not OK to imply that for women who do have a “natural birth” it is entirely down to luck.

Delatron · 07/04/2019 22:43

It is down to luck though..... Sorry if you think you have superior birth giving skills. You don’t, you were just lucky.

FactsOfLife · 07/04/2019 22:43

No birth is superior as long as the baby and mother are safe, alive and healthy.

Maybe she means that she feel proud of herself - and so should anyone who's just given birth!