To be furious that DS and friends have drawn on faces with sharpie at sleepover

[peoplepleaser1]

Yesterday was DS' 12th birthday. He had 6 friends sleep overnight.

They've been no trouble but I've got up this morning to find they've drawn on the faces of two sleeping friends with sharpie whilst they were asleep.

They have drawn moustaches, bushy eyebrows and cheek roses. I've tried to remove it with them but it's still quite visible. Both kids have quite pale skin which has made it even more visible.

I'm mortified, and upset and angry that DS let this happen under our roof. I was responsible for these kids and I feel terrible that they did this.

I've told DS to carry on as normal and that I'll deal with him once they've all gone home.

I'm not usually very strict and DS is usually a good kid but I'm really annoyed with him- well with all of them tbh but it's not my place to do anything about that.

DS is going to his dads tonight, we aren't together. I have mentioned it to him and he has said I'm ridiculous and overreacting. I planned to ban DS from electronics for a couple of days but his Dad has said he won't back me up so I can't do that.

AIBU and overreacting?!

Kids pick up on your attitude though. These things aren’t nice but unfortunately they are unavoidable throughout life.

Ok someone got teased at football but we have all been teased at school. So you comfort your child and help them to deal with it. You have zero control over whether someone teases your child.

“Some children can’t deal with it” - well, help them to deal with it because they are going to have to deal with it and it’s our place to show them a way through it, not agree with them that no they can’t deal with it. That’s defeatist!

Also - “know your audience” is a very valuable lesson to learn in life. What might be de rigeur on a stag do may not be in another context. Remember-they are all 12 and their brains are nowhere near mature. They had poor judgement.

Hopefully the artistes are able to learn from this. They’ve upset their friends and I expect will have to majorly grovel.

But ‘dealing with it’ means saying “you had no right to do that to me , you have caused me to go to my sports club and spend the first half of half term looking like an idiot, and I am really upset with you”.

It doesn’t involve laughing about it unless you feel you want to.

Supporting a 12 year old with a drawn on stupid face might involve encouraging them to style it out. It doesn’t involve telling them they are a snowflake.

Tne big mistake the boys made was using something as hard to get off as a Sharpie. They need a rocket up their arses to enciurage them to THINK.

Some children can’t deal with it” - well, help them to deal with it because they are going to have to deal with it

Bullshit. Some kids will never be able to deal with it for various reasons and those are the ones who end up school refusing or in specialist educational provision or with long term mental health issues. Look outside your own narrow “well they have to learn” viewpoint.

WallyTheWasher

Oh give over.

This isn't a child upset because Freddie didn't invite them to a party or Susan wouldn't play with them.

These boys have got very obvious marks all over their faces. People get upset and self conscious over their appearance.

Seriously, for 1 minute, put yourself in their shoes. What would you do if it were you? How would you feel? Would you go out in public like it? Go to work like it?

How as a parent do you make it no big deal? They feel like It's a big deal because it is. Everyone who sees them will react to it.

Please tell me how you minimise that effect?

Exactly Hotpot there are ways of dealing with it. Tear a strip off the drawing kids, shout in their face, as the drawn on person I’d say it’s free reign to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible.... when I was at school you’d do the silent treatment.

I am assuming most of the people who are saying that children need to get used to behaviour like this, so deal with it, are probably also the parents who would have laughed it off as a prank if their child had been the artist.

Maybe if there were more parents like the OP who made it abundantly clear to her DS that this was not acceptable behaviour, there would be fewer children having to learn to deal with other people's behaviour towards them.

@LittleChristmasMouse the whole forum knows your point of view! You're shoving it down. Everyone's throats and I'd they don't agree start being rude. Not necessary at all!

Bullshit. Some kids will never be able to deal with it for various reasons and those are the ones who end up school refusing or in specialist educational provision or with long term mental health issues. Look outside your own narrow “well they have to learn” viewpoint.

But the original viewpoint is defeatist - at what point did a child become unable to deal with adversity with the support of the parent. I think personally it’s the parents saying this who cannot deal with it - because they are projecting.

But the original viewpoint is defeatist - at what point did a child become unable to deal with adversity with the support of the parent. I think personally it’s the parents saying this who cannot deal with it - because they are projecting.

^^thus and it's so blatantly obvious on this thread!

cabcab
I don't think it's me being rude.

I don't see how a child being upset because of this is them failing to deal with adversity.

And this isn't some unfortunate accident that are having to deal with it. It was a deliberate act done to them. They've got every right to feel upset and aggrieved by that.

Pcohle I NEVER said it's akin to racial segregation. I was giving examples of things that use to be accepted in the last before they were challenged by those brave enough to stand up for what is right.
And comparing it to how these 'pranks' have been accepted over the years and people have been expected to laugh despite not finding it funny - yet people are challenging this - which is fantastic. No one should accept this and "expect" to have it done at uni parties and stag nights.

You may have read it all - but you clearly didn't take the time to read it properly and comprehend

How can you possibly mention racial segregation and kids drawing on their mates faces with markers in the same breath and no see how ridiculous a comparison it is?

Do you seriously think that being "brave enough to stand up for" not drawing on people's faces is worth comparing to the civil rights movement?

Laughable.

*@LittleChristmasMouse

If so, yes they did. Because if you were playing then you had consented. Why is that impossible to understand? How do you not understand the concept of

That was pretty rude, I dare to have a different opinion to yours and it's "why is it impossible for you to understand" don't try and force your opinions on me, I think you're wrong! So t talk to me like I'm stupid.... simples!

Littlechristmasmouse you are so spot on. I was the child who always had the "prank" played on them? Why? Because I was expected to suck it up and not be a snowflake. Rather than people laying off as they didn't get a reaction t actually became "target youare as she'll take it".

Now as an adult people often tell me I'm too passive and too nice and always find the good in people whatever they do.

They say it as a negative side to my personality.

But hey - if I'd been drawn on I'd have laughed - so that's ok then eh?

People get upset and self conscious over their appearance.

Yes and more so if you encourage them to.

Something I learned as a kid was to use humour to diffuse bullying. As I said you cannot control for one second how others react to you but you can control how you behave so focus on that.

Seriously, for 1 minute, put yourself in their shoes. What would you do if it were you? How would you feel? Would you go out in public like it? Go to work like it?

I wouldn’t be too keen and at no point have I said they shouldn’t be upset or said that the drawing was a good idea. However I would have to just get on with it if it really wouldn’t come off. So would any of us. What would you do? I expect it would be embarrassing but 🤷‍♀️You don’t have a solution either but you just like to worry - I prefer not to die of a stroke.

How as a parent do you make it no big deal? They feel like It's a big deal because it is. Everyone who sees them will react to it

You can’t make it no big deal if that’s how they feel. You don’t have to act like it is though. You can acknowledge their feelings and if they’re too upset for school then stay home. Or you could give them some ideas on how to handle unpleasant comments?

I also think that the posters saying to laugh it off, deal with it etc are missing the point.

It's not relevant how they would feel. It's only relevant how the boys felt, and they were upset.

We were burgled a few years ago, overnight, while we were asleep. For some reason that I cannot explain I was not affected by it emotionally. I was annoyed by the inconvenience but not about the burglary, what might have happened, feelings of violation etc that my husband and children felt.

Can I therefore go around telling anyone who has been traumatised by a burglary to man up or be more resilient? No of course I shouldn't. I reacted one way and they are equally valid to react differently. I am still able to empathise with the effect it might have them even though I didn't feel the same

Pcohle can you really not see that people saying they should accept being drawn on and branded temporarily "because they'll get worse at uni and stag do's" (because it's tradition) isn't related in the same way to historical things we once 'accepted' - but don't now it's challenged.

People have challenged the culture of men groping woman.

Now we challenge the culture of altering someone's appearance without consent.

I've not said they are as equally awful - YOU read it that way because you WANTED to make a point.

All I have said is its time to challenge this idea that a prank on someone's sleeping body isn't assault (especially when legally it is) and stop accepting it.

*Today 13:59 LittleChristmasMouse

I don't see how a child being upset because of this is them failing to deal with adversity.

And this isn't some unfortunate accident that are having to deal with it. It was a deliberate act done to them. They've got every right to feel upset and aggrieved by that*

The child being upset isn’t a failure

Once again I’m not saying they shouldn’t be upset. Be upset! Be angry! Have a go at the suspects!

I’m saying a parent who reacts as if this is “life altering” as someone else said and bound to be absolutely awful and just the worst thing ever is projecting their own fears and not helping their child to deal with adversity at all. As I said kids’ brains aren’t mature but ours are! If you think your child can’t deal with upset and they know you think this then you’re doing them a disservice.

This would be a very good time to be having conversations about consent with your child. What else might he do if egged on? Teach him to be an independent thinker.

@cabcab

I think you are being a bit disingenuous here. The reply of mine that you have quoted was in response to this post that you addressed to me. I replied using the exact saw wording that had used to me so how come I'm rude for replying to you but you're not rude for saying it first?

@LittleChristmasMouse I never said it was anything to do what was used, I was explaining to another poster that YOUR point of view did t care what was used, is that impossible for you to read and understand?

And this is another post that you addressed to me.
It's not impossible to understand and I'm. It stupid, so don't try to infer I am. Your batshit issues do not name you a better parent at all! Your user name says it alll....

I guess you don't think that's rude either?

life-altering 😂😂😂

Give me strength. Cabcab is talking good sense.

I think that if you believe a kids prank like this is at all, in any way, comparable to racial segregation then you have so completely lost all sense of reason and proportion that it is simply not possible to have a sensible discussion with you.

"People have challenged the culture of men groping woman. Now we challenge the culture of altering someone's appearance without consent." Seriously, do you genuinely believe the social prevalence of and long term impact on the victim of, on one hand sexual assault and on the other having some pen on your face are genuinely worth comparing?

Jesus wept.

WallyTheWasher

I am discussing on here the potential effects that this could have, for the benefit of the posters who are saying it's a laugh, a joke, lighten up.

I am not advocating wailing and weeping around the boys, telling them that their lives are over.

There is a difference between the two.

And the fact that you are acknowledging that maybe the boys stay away from school indicates that this wasn't just a harmless prank. It has had wider implications for the boys schooling (if they don't go) and possibly a parent who might need to stay at home with them.

That's all that I am saying. What might have seemed like a little joke at the outset goes on to cause real inconvenience for others. That's why I don't think it should just be laughed off.