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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that DS and friends have drawn on faces with sharpie at sleepover

824 replies

peoplepleaser1 · 06/04/2019 09:13

Yesterday was DS' 12th birthday. He had 6 friends sleep overnight.

They've been no trouble but I've got up this morning to find they've drawn on the faces of two sleeping friends with sharpie whilst they were asleep.

They have drawn moustaches, bushy eyebrows and cheek roses. I've tried to remove it with them but it's still quite visible. Both kids have quite pale skin which has made it even more visible.

I'm mortified, and upset and angry that DS let this happen under our roof. I was responsible for these kids and I feel terrible that they did this.

I've told DS to carry on as normal and that I'll deal with him once they've all gone home.

I'm not usually very strict and DS is usually a good kid but I'm really annoyed with him- well with all of them tbh but it's not my place to do anything about that.

DS is going to his dads tonight, we aren't together. I have mentioned it to him and he has said I'm ridiculous and overreacting. I planned to ban DS from electronics for a couple of days but his Dad has said he won't back me up so I can't do that.

AIBU and overreacting?!

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 07/04/2019 14:17

Boffin would you have laughed at the 2 boys crying? Would you think it was funny if it had happened to your child and then your child got a detention at school on Monday?

BoffinMum · 07/04/2019 14:21

I think it's within the realms of 'normal' naughtiness and I would have apologised to their mothers and got my offspring to apologise to the victims as well. I would have been officially cross, which in this house is scary. But ultimately they are 12 and have to sort minor infractions (which is what this is, it's only a bit of pen that will wear off) out by themselves, taking the rap if necessary.

Drawing on someone is certainly not assault, it is just thoughtless and slightly mean.

BoffinMum · 07/04/2019 14:23

(If my child got a detention because someone else had drawn on their face while they were asleep I'd be talking to the school to make sure it wasn't enacted. Schools can be surprisingly understanding about this kind of thing).

LittleChristmasMouse · 07/04/2019 14:25

PBobs

The OP updated yesterday that the boys had gone home and that their parents weren't happy, that they were still unable to get the pen off and that one boy had to go and play a football match like it and had been ridiculed.

BoffinMum

Really? You'd laugh if the children were crying? Would yiu laugh if say your child was going to a wedding yesterday and had to attend with a clown make up drawn in sharpie over his face? Or he was suspended from school next week and you had to take time off work to supervise or your son went to school and this started a bullying campaign against him? Is it still funny then?

starshollow1 · 07/04/2019 14:27

I'm disgusted at the number of people commenting that it's no big deal and boys will be boys - ffs!!

This was a cruel and unkind act, it was done at the expense of two boys who are now upset.

Im with you OP. I would make it clear that the behaviour is wholly unacceptable and there are consequences.

Tavannach · 07/04/2019 14:51

DS has been collected by his dad who called me uptight and pathetic in front of DS and also told DS to take no notice and never to loose his sense of humour like his mum.

Clear to see where your son gets his bullying behaviour from.
I think you've reacted in the right way OP. I think you should try and counter his father by asking one of the parents to talk to your DS explaining why it was wrong. That way your DS sees that this is not a Mum/Dad disagreement, and that his behaviour was unacceptable.
How you deal with your exDP undermining you is a bigger problem.

BoffinMum · 07/04/2019 14:59

I already said wouldn't laugh in front of them, but as I keep saying, this is within the realms of normal naughty behaviour and while I would be publicly cross, it's certainly not in the same league as some of the things I have seen through being a mother of four and a former secondary school teacher. And if a school puts someone in detention all week because someone else drew on them while they were asleep, then their discipline policy needs serious scrutiny. Bet you they don't. Also with regard to the boys crying because someone had drawn on them, I would be initially sympathetic and then tell them to buck up if they carried on dramatising this. It's only a bit of pen. If you give out the message it's OK to cry about this and expect to be bullied, then you'll find they have a worse time of it until the stuff wears off. Better to encourage them to be a bit more sanguine. You did ask.

nutsfornutella · 07/04/2019 15:05

Op- have you checked that nobody took any pics? Many 12yo have Snapchat, Instagram etc

If this was done to my 12yo they would all be humiliated and angry. It's a common prank in YouTube videos but you need to explain to your son that the pranked person has probably consented ahead of time (it's often a friend or relative of pranked) plus the pranked person usual gets revenge in a future video. The 2 parties usually accept this arrangement as there's potential money to be made. Why else would they show their humiliation on film?

LittleChristmasMouse · 07/04/2019 15:25

BoffinMum

You really would tell a child upset that they have to go and face classmates with a face covered in pen (going by the OPs description that they look ridiculous) to buck up and be more sanguine?

Would you go and teach in school had someone hilariously drawn big bushy eyebrows, false moustache and large rosy cheeks? Would you find that quite so funny and been so sanguine about teaching classes of kids?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/04/2019 15:28
Shock
AlaskanOilBaron · 07/04/2019 15:42

Complete overreaction.

Dotty1970 · 07/04/2019 15:49

Some people need to get a grip

Original poster
peoplepleaser1 · 07/04/2019 16:18

I'm not sure if those who are posting about an 'overreaction' are aiming that at me? I've not done a great deal yet other than explain to DS exactly why I'm so disappointed that this happened.

Had he not gone to his dads I would have said he needs to lay off electronics for a couple of days. IMO this is not a particularly harsh punishment. There are loads of things that he could be doing with his time and sometimes a break from electronics is helpful as it reminds him of everything else life has to offer.

The parents of both kids have again said today that the pen has not come off. Luckily both have been ok about it but I do think this is in part because they know how mortified I am, and that I accept it was out of order.

I have written an email for the parent of the child whose teacher said there may be an issue. The parent will pass this onto the school and it outlines that the child had no part in this and it was out of their control. It also makes it clear that my child has been made aware that this was totally out of order, and why.

I don't agree that the children with pen on them should have taken it in good humour as has been suggested by many posters. I accept that resilience is a vital life skill, but in this instance it's perfectly ok to be upset and I believe that it's unhelpful to encourage kids to be brave when in fact they are feeling unhappy.

I like a joke, and participate in healthy banter. But this wasn't banter, and isn't funny.

I'm not sure how much malice was intended. I do think it was foolish.

Goodness knows what DS now thinks. He was clearly very sorry and contrite before his Dad arrived. Having spent over 24 hours with his dad he may now think I'm boring and overreacting like his dad does. I can't change his dad, and I'm not sure I can undo his influence. I choose not to badmouth DS's dad in front of him.

His dad has just messaged me to say that they haven't had time to tackle the homework that he promised to do with him. So he's coming home early to do it here- further framing me as the strict 'bad cop' as I will now have to make him do it here. Joyful!

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 07/04/2019 16:19

you genuinely think a bit of pen is going to lead to that?
No of course not and you know that's not what I said.

Telling boys they can't get upset or cry is the thin end of the wedge when it comes to toxic masculinity which ultimately leads to men being unable to express their feelings or ask for help.

Original poster
peoplepleaser1 · 07/04/2019 16:24

@gamerwidow I agree with you. I hate the way kids (especially boys) are encouraged to hide their feelings.

I know for a fact that some boys appear to be taking 'banter' in good humour when in reality it is shattering their self confidence and making them very unhappy.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 07/04/2019 16:25

He was clearly very sorry and contrite I think if this is generally out of character for these boys then seeing how upset their prank had made the other boys might be the best lesson of all.
If they're normally good kids they'll all be feeling upset and ashamed at making their friends so upset and that is a lesson in itself.

Original poster
peoplepleaser1 · 07/04/2019 16:30

@gamerwidow I do think it is very out of character for DS. From what he has said he was egged on to participate. I've explained that I understand that peer pressure is tough but that it is not an excuse.

However, having said that I am now doubting my judgement of him a bit. I'm trying to keep my eyes wide open as I know it's all to easy to view our own kids through rose tinted specs.

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 07/04/2019 16:36

This is slightly tangential, but any school which would punish a child for being the victim of at best a prank and at worst bullying is a disgrace, and the parents in question need to think about the wider issues in sending their DS to an institution like that.

OffToBedhampton · 07/04/2019 16:41

@peoplepleaser1
Your ExH undermined you and bad mouthed you. It is not unreasonable yo remind DS that it was a bullying thing to do,to humiliate his friends. A prank would have been eyeliner or.lipatick,not permenant pen/Sharpie.

In the instance you said, I would think you very reasonable to say, "I heard what your dad said - you know in your heart, which is good and kind, that he is wrong to pretend that bullying and humiliating others is ok. It says more about your dad than other parents who are good parents or me. I need you to understand that".

MsTSwift · 07/04/2019 16:43

Op you sound like a great mum who has handled this really well (unlike your ex Hmm). If I was a drawn on upset child’s parent I would take comfort that you weren’t minimising it and were dealing

OffToBedhampton · 07/04/2019 16:44

Bad mouthing a parent is calling them names or stupid. You absolutely have a right to -and should -disagree with/counteract abusive advice, just make sure you specify it's the advice or behaviour that is poor.

OffToBedhampton · 07/04/2019 16:45

Well said @MsTSwift

Original poster
peoplepleaser1 · 07/04/2019 16:50

Thank you @MsTSwift , that's very kind.

@OffToBedhampton you're right, and I think your choice of words are spot on. I'm going to speak with DS as you suggest. My (divorced) parents slagged each other off relentlessly to me as a child and I hated it. It has probably made me too cautious about what I say to DS about his dad.

OP posts:
Cottonwood · 07/04/2019 16:51

Would a 12 year old really get the difference between a felt tip pen and a sharpie? Bet it was just the first thing that came to hand.

LittleChristmasMouse · 07/04/2019 16:53

This is slightly tangential, but any school which would punish a child for being the victim of at best a prank and at worst bullying is a disgrace, and the parents in question need to think about the wider issues in sending their DS to an institution like that.

I kind of agree however I can also see that a child turning up at school looking how these boys look is going to cause a lot of disruption at school.

I really don't know how most schools would deal with it and I really don't think it's going to be easy for the boys to brazen it out.

This is no criticism of you OP. I think you are handling it in the best way you can.

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